4-11 Cold Dick

4-11 Cold Dick

Cold Dick

It’s my turn to live out a fantasy. Bald men have always driven me crazy.

Miss Parker

Cold Dick

It’s my turn to live out a fantasy. Bald men have always driven me crazy.

Miss Parker

Original air date: February 12, 2000

Written by: Juan Carlos Coto

Directed by: Steven Long Mitchell

Jarod is tricked into assuming the identity of Las Vegas detective Dick Dixon, an identity that repeatedly get him punched in the nose by everyone he’s introduced to – even Wayne Newton!

Jarod’s Discoveries: Golf

Jarod’s Occupations: Private Investigator

Jarod’s Aliases: Dick Dickson


Behind the scenes insights and the Creator’s Take

Official Synopsis

A wannabe detective entangles Jarod in a web of intrigue involving a missing showgirl and a murdered nightclub owner.


(Throughout this adventure in Las Vegas, Jarod frequently narrates in voice-over characterized by language similar to a Raymond Chandler novel).  An e-mail message sends Jarod to the office of Dick Dixon, a private investigator operating out of Las Vegas.  There, Jarod finds a past nemesis, Argyle, hiding under a desk.  Argyle, who is relieved to see Jarod, pleads for his help.  Suddenly, the office door swings open and a man named Mike swaggers in looking for Detective Dick Dixon.  Before Jarod can protest, Argyle identifies Jarod as Dixon.  Mike promptly punches Jarod in the nose with his free hand and pulls out a gun.  He demands to know the whereabouts of a showgirl named Mona Jefferies.

A week earlier, a nervous Mona entered Dick’s office seeking help.  Instead of finding Dixon, Mona encountered Argyle (who was working as a janitor) cleaning up the office.  Immediately smitten, Argyle convinced Mona that he was Dick’s partner and could help her.  Mona’s boss, Dirty Willie, was in trouble and needed protection.  He had asked Mona to deliver a bucket of quarters to Dick.  In the back alley of Dirty Willie’s club, Argyle stumbled upon Dirty Willie’s corpse.

Jarod does not know Argyle’s scenario as Mike moves in on him with the gun.  Mike states that Mona told him she was going to Dixon’s office, but now has disappeared.  Mike lowers his gun as he reveals that he is Mona’s brother.  Jarod is now sucked into the web and agrees (as “Detective Dixon”) to investigate the case.  Unfortunately, Argyle has designated himself as Jarod’s partner.

Elsewhere in Las Vegas, Broots and Miss Parker, masquerading as a honeymoon couple, unpack in the same motel room.  Broots’ interception of Jarod’s e-mail led the pair to Jarod’s Las Vegas trail.  Unfortunately for Miss Parker, Lyle and Mr. Raines do not arrive until the next day.  Broots is beside himself to be in a motel room for the night with Miss Parker.  But for Broots, all his sexual fantasies with Miss Parker remain fantasies as he falls into a dream-laden sleep with an empty Scotch bottle at his side.

Jarod, Dog, (Argyle’s pet), and his “partner” drive to meet Argyle’s father, Benny, at a golf villa.  Benny is a Wayne Newton fan and regales Jarod with stories about the singer.  Later, Jarod discovers how the visit to Benny factored into the investigation: Argyle borrowed his father’s gun.

Jarod and Argyle arrive at Dirty Willie’s club.  The club emcee, tuxedo-clad Nick Noria, stops the twosome.  Jarod naively introduces himself as Detective Dick Dixon.  Noria punches Jarod in the face, shouting, “You slept with my wife, you scumball.”  Jarod shakes off the punch and asks Noria if he knows what happened to Mona. Noria’s minimal information leads the pair to Mona’s small condo. Just as Jarod and Argyle arrive at the ransacked condo, chiseled Clark County Deputy, J.J. Wyatt, stops them and asks for identification.  Jarod prepares for a punch as he identifies himself as Detective Dixon.  Instead, Deputy Wyatt hits Jarod with the accusation that Dick’s affair with one of the deputies drove her from the force.  After surveying Mona’s condo, Jarod surmises that Mona has been kidnapped.

Back at Benny’s golf villa, Jarod and Argyle go through Dirty Willie’s autopsy report, which reveals that he had been tortured with an ice pick and then frozen to death.  Jarod examines a photo of mobster Constantin Falzone, a well-known extortionist interested only in cash and a three handicap.           Jarod and Argyle tee off on a golf course in search of Falzone, who turns up floating face down in a lake.  Falzone splashes to his feet, wearing goggles and holding golf balls in his hand.  Falzone tells Jarod that he had no reason to kill Dirty Willy because he never came up short.  But Falzone reveals that Mona did come to him for help as Willy was being squeezed by goons called the Frost Brothers.

Jarod and Argyle return to the club to requisition the reluctant Noria about the Frost Brothers.  Wyatt enters and throws a punch at Jarod for destroying months of police work trying to pin Falzone for extortion.   Wyatt tells Jarod that “The Frost Brothers” is an abandoned packing plant outside of town.

Jarod, Argyle and Dog arrive at Frost Brothers Packing and Storage and make their way to a freezer.  Tied up and shivering, Mona greets them and reveals that she does not have a brother.  Just as the trio and Dog exit, the Frost Brothers, Mike and Deputy Wyatt confront them with ice picks.  Wyatt tells Jarod and Argyle that Mike is going to drive Mona into the desert.  If Mike doesn’t hear from him in thirty minutes, she will be killed.  Back at Detective Dixon’s office, Argyle and Jarod watch as Wyatt dumps Mona’s tub of quarters.  A micro cassette falls to the floor.  Wyatt plays the tape, which contains a conversation in which Wyatt attempts to extort money from Willie.  Willie recorded Wyatt and wanted to get the tape to Dixon.  Jarod punches Wyatt, ties him up in a chair, and takes the ice pick from his pocket.  Jarod hand Wyatt a cell phone and tells him to make the call to Mike to release Mona.  Wyatt refuses to do so.  Jarod slams an ice pick near Wyatt’s hand…prompting Wyatt to make the call.  Mona is safely released.  Subsequently, Jarod makes a call to the F.B.I to pick up Wyatt.

Jarod finishes his last job as Detective Dixon.  He arranges a personal meeting for Benny with Wayne Newton.  Unfortunately, after the joyous meeting for Benny, Newton turns to Jarod and asks him again for his name.  Just as Jarod gets the words out (“Detective Dick Dixon”), Newton punches him.

4-11 Cold Dick

Cold Dick Transcript


Parker   At least Jarod could have led us to a place near the strip then I could have hit the craps table.
Broots   [Clears Throat] Well, hit this instead: single malt, like you asked for. And you’re forgetting something. Jarod didn’t lead us here. His friend told him to stay here in an e-mail I intercepted. He’s been compromised this time, and he’s gonna walk right into our hands.
Parker   My hands. Now go to your room.
Broots   Oh, this is my room. Our room. This is the honeymoon suite.
Parker   Not even after four of these. [Referring to her scotch]
Broots   Oh, no, no. Miss Parker, it’s perfect. Why do you think Sydney and Lyle are coming tomorrow? If Jarod came here and he saw a woman and three men on the register, well, he’d – he’d know we’re here. This way, if you and I pretend to be the honeymoon couple, well, he’d be none the wiser.
Parker   This was your idea.
Broots   Yeah. I mean, it’s a good one, isn’t it? Nobody’d believe you and Syd. He’s- He’s middle-aged, and he’s Flemish. And you, you’re young and- unless you think that you’d rather room with Lyle. [Watching Parker Disrobe To Just A Blouse and Skirt] Centre’s a sick place but- but your own brother?
Parker   Relax, Romeo. That’s as far as I go. [Referring To Getting Comfortable] Take first watch. Anybody pulls into that parking lot, send up a flare.
Broots   Okay.
Parker   Broots? Fall asleep, it’ll be a hell of a wedding night.
    [Bird Chirping In Distance] [Clothes Scattered About Room, Empty Scotch Bottle, Parker and Broots in bed together]
Parker   [Sighs]
Broots   [Murmurs, Clears Thoat] [Shares Stunned Gaze With Parker]
Parker   [Gasps]
Broots   [Sighs]
Jarod Narrating   Welcome to Sin City- Las Vegas, Nevada. A Pretender could win big here- some other Pretender. I’ve been rolling nothing but snake eyes. I should be having some fun in the sun, and all I got is… frostbite. They say luck is a lady. That must be good luck.
    [Jarod, Argyle Shivering Inside Freezer]
Narration Continues   Bad luck is definitely a man, and he dresses funny.
    [Teeth Chattering]
Narration Continues   Argyle tried to sell me to Centre a couple of years back. Last year, he almost got me killed.
    [Dog Sneezes]
Narration Continues   Why should this year be any different?
    [Dog Whimpers]
Narration Continues   Some days it doesn’t pay to answer your e-mail. Look at me. Some genius. I wish I could pretend myself into some long johns. But in my own defense, this all started when Argyle decided to become a Pretender.
    Three Days Ago
Narration Continues   As usual, his mouth was writing checks his brain couldn’t cash.
    Office Of R.W. Dixon Privat Eye
Jarod   [Knocks] Hello? Hello?
Argyle   [Jumps On Jarod’s back] Ha! Prepare to die, you mamaluke. Ow! Ooh!
Jarod   Ah! Hey! Hey! [Grunts] [Jarod “Disarms” Argyle of the stapler)
Argyle   J-Man! You made it.
Jarod   Argyle, what are you doing?
Argyle   I’m sorry, J-Dog. You saw the door. This is a dangerous business. And when you’re the mac daddy of private dicks, the flyin’ monkeys- all they wanna do is put you on the night train to Emerald City.
Jarod   [Presses Stapler] You’re lucky you didn’t get your ticket punched, [Looks At Name Plate On Desk] Richard Dixon, pirvate investigator.
Argyle   Oh, no. I ain’t Dick Dickson. I’m his partner.
Jarod   So why did you e-mail me? Why don’t you get him to help you?
Argyle   Oh. Well, you see, this ain’t Double “D’s” kind of gig. This is what we in the industry call a “multifacetal” type type. See, there’s a lot of cross-purposing entities, multicultural purposes. You know- all of that and whatnot.
Jarod   [Turns] Good-bye, Argyle.
Argyle   No, no, no! Wait! J-Dog. J-Dog. You can’t leave me. You can’t leave. You’re all I got, man. I’m in trouble, Jarod. Please.
Jarod Narrating   Raymond Chandler had a secret for writing detective stories. “When in doubt,” he said, “have somebody enter with the room with a gun.” [Door Opens] Okay, it’s an ice-cream cone. But it was pistachio and I’m allergic to pistachios.
Mike   You Dick Dixon?
Argyle   Me? No. I’m his partner. That’s Dick Dixon. [Refers to Jarod]
Mike   [Punches Jarod]
Jarod   Oh! Ow!
Mike   Think that hurt? Taste this. [Draws Gun]
Jarod Narrating   Let’s call this story, “Death by Double Dip.” Now, our pistachio-packing friend will have to wait since the Pretender is now Dick Dixon, private eye. Let me give you the skinny. Argyle’s new job was another epic work of fiction. Dick Dixon isn’t even around anymore. He skipped town last year buried in debt. Argyle had only become his partner a week earlier.
    [A Week Earlier]
Narration Continues   ] He was working the building as a “hospitality technician.” And that’s what he called it. I call it “janitor.” He happened to be scrubbing Dick Dixon’s abandoned office when… she walked in.
Mona   I’m looking for Dick?
Argyle   Excuse me?
Mona   You know- Dick.
Argyle   Dick?
Mona   Dick Dixon?
Argyle   Oh. Oh. Dick Dixon. Uh, yeah. Um, no. He’s gone.
Mona   Gone?
Argyle   Yeah. He took the slow boat to China. [Spoken Lyric] ..that kind of thing.
Mona   Do you work for him?
Argyle   Do I work for him?
Mona   Yeah.
Argyle   Do I work for him? I am his nom de plume. I’m his coup de grâce. I am his comrade-in-arms, you know what I’m sayin’? I am his partner, for Pete’s sake.
Mona   Um, you do his dirty work?
Argyle   Thats funny. This mop- you see- I’m undercover. I’m what we in the industry call the “clandestinal” partner. Whatever Dick wants, Argyle gets Dick.
Mona   “Argyle.” That’s an interesting name.
Argyle   Yeah. My parents gave it to me on account of my birthmark. Hey, would you like to see my birthmark? [Begins Disrobing]
Mona   No. [Crying]
Argyle   Oh, no. I’m sorry. I-
Mona   [Sobs]
Argyle   I get that a lot. Please don’t cry. I hate to see a girl cry. Here. Take this. [Offers Cloth] There you go. That’s all right. Say, what’s your name?
Mona   Mona.
Argyle   Like the Lisa?
Mona   Yeah.
Argyle   That’s very beautiful.
Mona   [Blows Nose Loudly]
Argyle   Listen, Mona. I can help. Talk to me.
Mona   Well, I’m a showgirl down at the Club Ali Bar and my boss is in trouble.
Argyle   Trouble? What’s your boss’s name?
Mona   Dirty Willy.
Argyle   He doesn’t bathe?
Mona   No. People just call him that. He’s a good man, takes care of us, and all the girls have comprehensive dental.
Argyle   Wow. That’s key.
Mona   And this bucket of quarters is all he’s got left. And he told me to give this to Mr. Dixon.
Argyle   Okay. I will get this to Mr. Dixon.
Mona   Willy knows things, Mr. Argyle-
Argyle   Oh, yeah?
Mona   ..things that he shouldn’t know. He needs protectcion.
Argyle   Consider it done, Ms. Lisa. Argyle is on the case.
Mona   [Giggles]
[Jarod Narrating]   “Argyle is on the case”- five words to send a chill down your spine. Argyle embraced the cliché, casting himself in the starring role of a big-time private eye extraordinaire. Determined to help Mona, he made his way back into the Club Ali Bar and, like a true detective, was looking for clues- anything he could find that would lead him to where or what happened to Dirty Willy. But he wasn’t ready to be a star. As soon as things got real, Argyle wished he’d taken a bit part.
Argyle   [Spots Body, Gasps] Dirty Willy.
Narration Continues   He’d done the job, solved the case. He had the killer cornered. So Argyle did what Argyle does best.
Argyle   [Spots Killer, Gasps]
Narration Continues   He never saw the hit man. Who could at that speed?
Argyle   Woah! [Runs]
Narration Continues   He was pretty sure the killer didn’t see him- pretty sure. Which brings us back to our pistachio-packin’ porker. He was wondering the same thing as me.
Mike   Where the hell is Mona?
Jarod   Well, I-I-I don’t know.
Mike   She told me she was comin’ to see you, Dixon. And now she’s gone? Did she say where she was going?
Jarod   She hasn’t told me anything.
Mike   Did she leave anything?
Jarod   Look. Normally, I don’t talk to gun-wielding thugs.
Argyle   Yeah. Your mama must be real proud of you now, eh, big boy?
Mike   [Lowers Gun] No. She’d probably give me a lickin’. My mama’s dead. Truth is, I’m not a thug. My name is Mike. I’m Mona’s brother.
Argyle   Oh. Hi, Mike.
Mike   Hi. [Sighs] It just ain’t like her not to check in. Our parents died when we were real little and I made a promise to Mom that I’d take care of Mona. I just gotta know if she’s okay.
Jarod   [Sighs] You will. Just as soon as we find out anything, you’ll be the first to know. I promise. Right, partner? [To Argyle]
Argyle   Yeah. Dick Dixon is on the case, kickin’ tail and takin’ names. [Jarod and Argyle Outside] You area Mr. Positivi-tivity, the Shah of “I can.” Hey, now. Swell ride. Like I always say, private dick’s gotta have a ragtop.
Jarod   You are not going.
Argyle   What are you talkin’ about?
Jarod   I am not a detective. You are not my partner. If I’m going to help, you stay outta my way.
Argyle   That was extremely hostile.
Jarod   I can’t keep saving your life if you keep lying yourself into a corner. You have to think. [Starts Engine]
Argyle   Hey!
    [Engine Stops]
Argyle   I’ve been thinking. I was- [spoken lyric: upside inside out livin’ la vida loca] till I met you. Now after you helped me and Pop last year, I’m mendin’ my wicked way, you know. I ain’t had nothin’ but honest jobs since. Only thing missin’ is the love of my life. And I met her last week. Mona’s the one.
Jarod   You spent six minutes with her.
Argyle   360 glorious seconds, J-Man. Somethin’ happened between us, I’m tellin’ ya. It was like “electronical” chemicals or something. Pheromones, baby. I’m tellin’ ya. And now my future brother-in-law’s weepin’ in his pistachio. You gotta let me come with you, J-ster. You gotta let me help her. J-Man. J-Dog. Please, I’m beggin’ ya. Please, please, please, please, please. [Presses Face Against Windshield]
Jarod Narrating   There are certain times in life when you need to think with your heart, not your head. This wasn’t one of those times, but I thought it was, so I made the following mistake.
Argyle   [Talking With Mouth Pressed To Glass] Please?
Jarod   Get in.
Argyle   Yeah, yeah.
    [Engine Starts]
Argyle   Argyle is on the case. Come on!
    Fun City Motel
Parker   How did I get in this nightmare?
Broots   Well, I-I remember I was watching out for Jarod and you looked at me with bedroom eyes, like you wanted to do the late-night creep.
Parker   I did not. We did not.
Broots   Well, how can you be sure, Miss Parker?
Parker   For starters, pigs aren’t flying, hell hasn’t frozen over, and you are not the last man on earth.
    [Phone Rings]
Parker   What?
Sydney   How’s the stakeout going?
Parker   Sydney, how are you?
Sydney   I… am fine. Sweeper team says you haven’t reported in.
Parker   Huh. Something came up. I… overslept, but- but I was just getting dressed.
Sydney   I’ll be there tomorrow with Lyle and Raines. Parker, is everything all right?
Parker   I am rolling nothing but sevens. [Chuckles, Ends Coversation] [To Broots, Quietly] You so much as hint at this when they arrive, I will amputate your head.
Broots   Well, what about this?
Parker   There is no “this.” Nothing happened, Broots. Like I said, it was a nightmare, and I’m glad I woke up.
Broots   When you say things like that, do you even consider my feelings?
    [Parker Slams Door]
Broots   What is it about me that you find so repulsive?
Parker   [Swings Open Door] You really want to know?
Broots   Yes. I really want to know.
Parker   Okay. Now you shut up and listen. What I find so utterly uninspiring about you is your idea of risk is to go without deodorant. When the bullets stop flying, you’re always the one shaking in the corner. That, in the game of life, is second string. And- [Spoken Lyric]
Broots   Hey. Stop, and let me tell you something, and you- you shut up and listen. You’re right. I have never taken a risk. Because the whole time I’ve known you, I’ve only wanted to take just one.
Parker   Which one would that be?
Broots   You’re in your office. It’s late, and I sneak in. In one hand I have gardenias, and in the other I have a bottle of single malt- two of your favorite things in the world. And I find that little spot on the nape of your neck and I just rub it the right way to get rid of the migraine you always get about 6:20 every night- the one you never anyone about. The truth is, if I had just one shot, you know what I’d do? I would take your pain away. Truth is, you’d be lucky to get a scrub like me.
Parker   Do you hear that, Broots?
Broots   What?
Parker   Pigs are flying.
    [Man Singing Slow Jazz]
Parker And Broots   [Kissing, Moaning]
Parker   [Squeals, Giggles]
[Jarod Narrating]   Life is strange. One hour in the Nevada sun, and I had more unanswered questions than the Warren Commission. There was Dirty Willy’s murder to solve and Mona, the missing showgirl to track down. But Argyle had to see his father, Benny. The old man used to be obsessed with the pope. I was about to find out he converted.
    Benny’s House
Benny   Wayne Newton is more than a holy man. He is the shaman of the strip. He’s the duke of downtown. Wayne Newton is Las Vegas.
Jarod   If you say so.
Benny   You know, I met him once, sort of? My Adella and I, uh, saw him in Vegas long ago. Who’d have thought I’d be back here in Vegas with Argyle livin’ in this exquisite gold villa?
[Man, In Distance]   Fore!
Argyle   Driving range is open.
[Man]   Sorry.
Benny   Yeah. The only one missin’ is my Adella. This week would’ve been our 50th anniversary. She was my inspiration, Jarod. She’s the reason I’m writin’ a song for Wayne.
Argyle   Hey, Pop, we- we don’t have time for that.
Benny   Oh, sure we do. The big “W,” he changed out lives so my Adella suggested that I should write him a song…sort of a companion piece to “Danke Schoen.” She said, Call it ‘Auf Wiedersehen’”… and here goes nothing. [Introduction] [Ends]
Jarod   Where’s the song?
Benny   It’s still a work in progress. It’ll be ready by tomorrow.
Jarod   What’s happening tomorrow?
Benny   Uh, Wayne is playin’ in a charity tournament and he will be right there putting and I will be right here standing when I hit him with the razzamatazz.
Jarod   You know, I’ve never actually played golf, but, um, won’t that disturb his game?
Benny   Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, but it’s worth it for my Adella’s last wish, isn’t it?
Jarod   It’s more than worth it.
Benny   Yeah. Good.
Argyle   And the big “W” will love it, Pop but we gotta get out of here. We gotta catch ourselves a killer.
Benny   I got me a song to write.
Argyle   Catch you later, Pop.
[Jarod Narrating[   It was nice to see Benny again, but Argyle was right. We did have a killer to catch. So we went back to the scene of the crime.
Argyle   Okay. Uh, Dirty Willy bought it right about here and I saw the killer standing right over there.
Nick   Hey, funny face, this area’s off limits, all right? I got top-notch talent makin’ their way through here to the most glorious stage in Las Vegas and I can’t have you or that thing you call a suit in the way.
Jarod   Let me explain.
Nick   No. There’s no explainin’ that, and who the hell are you?
Jarod   My name is Dick Dixon.
Nick   You’re Dick Dixon? [Punches Jarod]
Jarod   Oh!
Nick   You slept with my wife, you scumball!
Jarod   I don’t even know your wife.
Nick   Thrifty Suites, number 38. Ring a bell, pumpkin?
Argyle   Hey, hey, hey, half-pint, this ain’t about your old lady givin’ room service, all right?
Jarod   We’re tryin’ to find Mona Jeffries.
Nick   Yeah, well, I ain’t seen her. What are you gonna do about it, tough guy? [Yelps] You see that? There goes my Chivas.
Argyle [To Jarod]   Where’d you learn how to do that?
Jarod   I ran a dojo once. [To Man] Now tell us what you know.
Nick   Okay. I’ll tell you what I told the cops, all right? Mona ain’t your typical showgirl, all right? She- She won’t show her cones, and she saves her dough. [Yelps] She bought a condo outside of town.
Jarod   Where?
Nick   [Yelps] Okay! God! I’ll tell ya! Geez!
Argyle   I got your back, J-man.
Jarod   Oh, that’s very comforting.
Argyle   Either my Mona’s real messy, J-man, or somethin’ real bad happened to her.
Deputy Wyatt   You can stop right there. Let’s see some I.D.
Jarod   The I.D.’s out in the car. My name is Dick Dixon.
Deputy Wyatt   You’re Dick Dixon?
Jarod   Yes.
Deputy Wyatt   You slept with one of our deputies. She left the force ’cause of you.
Jarod   I seem to have that effect on people. What happened here?
Deputy Wyatt   Been a while since you cracked your detective handbook, huh? We got a report of a disturbance. Door was jimmied, place had been trashed but her car keys, purse and valuables are still here.
Argyle   Mona was leaving?
Jarod   No. She was kidnapped.
    Fun City Motel
Parker   You gonna get that?
Broots   Those are the late-night creepers.
Parker   It is the honeymoon suite.
    [Knocking Continues] [Parker, Still in Bathroom, Closes Door] [Faucet Turns, Water Running]
Broots   [Martial Arts Grunts] [Imitating Elvis] Oh, yeah. Thank you very much. [Opens Door] Oh, Syd. You’re here early. [Clears Throat]
Sydney   I thought something was wrong.
Broots   Oh, no. No. No. As a matter of fact, things are gonna be different from now on.
    [Water Stops]
Parker   Broots, you are gonna pay for using all the hot water, you moron!
Sydney   You were saying, Broots?
Parker   Syd, please tell me you’re here to relieve me. Being cooped up with Felix Ungar here makes me glad to see your sorry mug. [Shoves Broots]
Sydney   Lyle and I are registered at Caesars.
Parker   Separate rooms?
Sydney   Well, separate suites.
Parker   [Scoffs]
Sydney   Lyle will be here later. Perhaps he can take over.
Parker   Hopefully, I won’t have plugged Broots by then. Call me when he gets here. [To Broots] What?
Broots   I thought things were gonna be different between us.
Parker   There is no “us.” At least…not that they know of. Could you imagine what they would do if they knew?
Broots   Right. Right. We don’t- We don’t wanna give them any ammunition, now do we?
Parker   Speaking of which…. my clip is empty.
Broots   Oh, yeah. I get it, baby. But if we’re gonna do this- [Whispering] we gotta do it right. I’ve always had a little fantasy I want to live out with you. But first, I want you to call me “Puff Daddy.” Say it. Say it. Puff.
Parker   [Inhales] Daddy.
Broots   Oh! [Sighs] [Presses Play Button On CD Player] [Slow Soul Music] [Broots Joins Man In Reciting Introduction On Player]
    [Chorus Singing Soul] [Saxophone]
[Jarod Narrating]   They say that life is stranger than fiction. Mine certainly has been, and this was no exception. Mona was kidnapped, but by whom? Whatever trouble her boss, Dirty Willy, found, it had certainly found her and it was only a matter of time before it found us. I did what Sydney always taught me: When in doubt, go back to the evidence.
    Benny’s House
Jarod   A couple of things just don’t make any sense. According to the autopsy report, what killed Dirty Willy was low levels of oxygen in his tissues due to hypothermia- extreme cold.
Argyle   He froze to death. In Vegas?
Jarod   And he had several ice pick holes in his hands.
Argyle   I’m thinkin’ torture. Wait a second, J-Man. You don’t think who’s ever doin’ this might, you know- poke Mona like that?
Jarod   Let’s hope not. According to this file, he is the number one suspect. Constantin Falzone- an extortionist for the Posavac crime family.
Argyle   What other part of your two-plus-two case don’t up to four?
Jarod   Dirty Willy weighed over 300 pounds. Frozen or not, that’s a lot of Willy for one man to carry around.
Argyle   Wait. What are you sayin’, “J?”
Jarod   There were two killers who tortured Dirty Willy and froze him to death. Question is, what did they want out of him?
Argyle   That’s easy, baby- cash, do-re-mi, J-Man. Everybody knows Falzone collects around town so maybe Dirty Willy couldn’t come up with the green and the twins get P.O.’d with him.
Jarod   Twins?
Argyle   Falzone’s got these Frigidaires that work for him. Calls ’em his caddies.
Jarod   Caddies? Why?
[Jarod Narrating]   Falzone- Sin City old-timer. Doesn’t care about shopping malls, pirate ships or the Eiffel Tower in the desert. He’s only interested in cash and a three handicap.
    Golf Course
Argyle   J-Rod, those two goons killed Dirty Willy and kidnapped my Mona. I say we waste ’em and snag Falzone.
Jarod   No. We meet Falzone out there on his own turf.
Argyle   But you don’t know how to play.
Jarod   It’s all geometry and pysics. How hard could that be?
[Jarod Narrating]   Sydney always taught me, the most difficult pretends have an inner secret. Once you reveal that secret, it comes naturally.
    [Club Hits Bushes] [Bird Squawking] [Dog Barks]
[Narration Continues]   In 56 minutes, I found the secret to a perfect golf game. I’ll share it with you sometime. The twins were impressed, just like I said. Falzone wanted to take me on. Then I told them I was Dick Dixon. [Guy Punches Jarod] Guess which one’s married. The twins promised to get us to Falzone, which they did. However in true Chandleresque fashion, we found out it was with a twist. [Falzone Under Water, Appears Dead] Someone else had gotten to him first. And to think I wasted 56 minutes. Raymond Chandler always said, “The best way to get a reader’s attention is with a dead body.” But of course, Chandler wasn’t writing this one.
Falzone   [Emerges From Water With Golf Balls] [Gasps] I got balls! [Splashing] I got balls. Unbe-friggin-lievable. People actually throw these away.
Jarod   And that makes them yours.
Falzone   Possession is 9/10ths. You oughta know. I hear Dick Dixon steals wives.
Jarod   And I hear you hang Dirty Willys. And now you’ve kidnapped Mona Jeffries.
Falzone   How come I get the feeling you cheat at golf?
Jarod   If you’re not cheating, you’re not playing.
Argyle   Hey, we want Mona back.
Falzon   Who are you- Little Dick?
Argyle   All right. I’ll show you little, ya big freak.
Falzone   Hey. Dirty Willy never came up short so there’s no reason to kill him. As for Mona, a Viagra-poppin’ man such as myself can only pray to enjoy a muffin like that in the morning.
Argyle   All right. That’s it. You and me gonna throw right now, paisan. I had it with this mook.
Falzone   Hey. I got no beef with Dirty Willy. I got no beef with you, Dixon. Mona asked me for help. She said that Dirty Willy was gettin’ squeezed by, um, a copule of goons by the name of the Frost Brothers.
[Argyle and Jarod Together]   The Frost Bothers?
Falzone   The Frost Brothers. Now I got my finger in every casino in this whole town. I never heard of these guys. Okay? So that’s it. That’s all I know. All right? Are we done? Are we done?
Jarod   Let’s go.
Argyle   Let’s go.
Falzone   Give me my balls.
    Fun City Motel
Broots   [Humming] [Talking To Bathroom Door With Gardenia In Hand] Room service. I was just talkin’ to the manager. You won’t believe what he was telling me.
Raines   And what would that be, Mr. Broots?
    [Broots Turns To See Raines, Lyle and Parker]
Lyle   Glad you could join us.
Raines   Centre employees of opposite genders don’t room together.
Parker   Just show him.
    [Lyle Offers Broots A Photo]
Lyle   Taken by a security camera at McCarran International Airport. It’s of Jarod heading for the runway. He skipped town.
Raines   Your theory isn’t holding. It’s time to go home.
Broots   No, but the- the e-mail said that he was gonna be here. W-We have to stay.
Parker   Broots, it’s over.
Broots   No. I just talked to the manager. He took a reservation last night under the name of “Jarod Siegel” – as in “Bugsy Siegel,” the man who created Vegas.
Lyle   A reservation doesn’t mean he’s gonna show. We’re leaving.
Broots   We’re staying.
Lyle   Did he just ignore us?
Broots   You wanna barge in here and try and scare me? You go ahead. But don’t question my skills. I’m not second string anymore. I do a job, and I do it well. And if your paranoid minds can’t take that, then you can go chase that photo. Miss Parker and I will catch Jarod.
Lyle   Enjoy your breakfast.
    [Wheels Squeaking] [Door Closes]
Parker   You better hope we catch Jarod, or we’re through.
Broots   You mean us?
Parker   I mean our necks.
[Jarod Narrating]   As Argyle and I drove back to Benny’s, we knew that without the mysterious Frost Brothers, there was no Mona and no dream for Argyle. But Argyle’s dream wasn’t the only one in jeopardy.
Benny   Oh, those bastards. Bastards, all of them!
Jarod   Benny, what happened?
Benny   There I am. I am standing there in the bunker. I am halfway into my “overature,” and they grab me.
Jarod   Wayne’s bodyguards.
Benny   Oh, bite your tongue. Wayne’s people would never do that with a rake.Ah, it was those lowlifes that work for the other half of Wayne’s threesome- those “mugicians” with the big hair? It’s a good thing they bring their tigers, boy. Whew.
Jarod   So Wayne never heard your song?
Benny   No. And I know he would’ve love it. He would have loved it.
Jarod   Of course he would have.
Benny   What’s the matter with him?
Jarod   We haven’t found Mona yet.
Benny   Oh, boy. Oh, boy. It’s always a girl, isn’t it? Let me let you in on a little tiny secret. He’s just exactly like me.
Jarod   No.
Benny   Oh, yes. I was wild. I was unchecked until my Adella tamed me. I still remember that trip to Vegas. We wanted to get away from it all. Dr. Kanapa had told us that we wouldn’t be able to have a family and I know it was really tough for her. But my Adella- God, she looked so beautiful the night we went to see Wayne. Ya never saw a polka dot dress like that in your life. Welll, big Wayne- he picks her out of the whole crowd and he sang “Danke Schoen” right to her. It was-
Jarod   Like a dream.
Benny   Yeah. That night, Adella came back to the motor court all giddy from Wayne’s show, you know? And we drove the cattle across the prairie all night long, if you catch my meaning and… we were blessed.
Jarod   You conceived Argyle.
Benny   Rolled a hard eight.
Jarod   [Chuckles]
Benny   So now, when I see him goin’ through all this-
    [Dog Whimpers]
Benny   I think, “Where would I be today if it weren’t for my Adella?”
Jarod   She was your Mona.
Benny   [Sighs] Jarod, ya gotta find that girl for my boy.
    [Dog Whimpers]
[Jarod Narrating]   It seems everybody who met Mona wanted her. Argyle, her brother, Falzone. It got my detective gears spinning.
Nick   Look, buddy boy. I followed her home once- okay, twice.
[Narration Continues]   Nick had known everthing about Mona: Where she lived, how she saved her money. Maybe he knew who the Frost Brothers were.
Nick   But I swear, I never heard of the Frost Brothers.
[Narration]   It was almost a dead end. Almost.
Deputy Wyatt   Dixon.
[Narration]   Deputy Wyatt hadn’t punched me the first time we met. Guess he figured I was due.
Jarod   [Ducks] Oh, this is gettin’ really old.
Deputy Wyatt   You tryin’ to destroy three months of real police work? We almost got Falzone for extortion.
Jarod   So get him.
Deputy Wyatt   After you talked to him? You of all people should know there’s only one way to do things in this town: the Vegas way.
Jarod   What about the Frost Brothers way?
Deputy Wyatt   What does that place got to do with anything?
Jarod   Place?
Argyle   Place?
Nick   Place?
Deputy Wyatt   Place. It’s an abandoned meat-packing plant outside town. So what?
    Frost Brothers Meat Packing Plant
Dog   [Barking, Whimpers]
Argyle   Mona? Mona?
Dog   [Whimpering, Barks]
Argyle   Mona? [Sees Mona Through Small Window] Mona! Mona! [Opens Freezer Door, Enters With Dog and Jarod] Mona! Mona! Mona.
Mona   I didn’t think you’d come.
Argyle   Oh, you’re so cold. L-Let’s get you out of here.
Mona   Argyle, these two guys- They had masks on. They grabbed me. They’ve been trying to get me to tell them what Dirty Willy told me.
    [Jarod Sees Pistachio Ice Cream Containers]
Mona   But I can’t tell them that secret, ’cause I can’t do that to Willy.
Argyle   Well, you could tell us the secret, Mona.
Jarod   Tell us later. We have to get out of here right now.
Argyle   Yeah. We need to get you back to your brother.
Mona   Brother? I don’t have a brother.
Mike/claimed to be Mona’s brother.   Sure you do. Two of ’em. [Enters Freezer With Deputy Wyatt]
Dog   [Barks] [Growls]
Jarod   Argyle, say hello to the Frost Brothers.
[Jarod Narrating]   It was a case to make Ray Chandler proud. Let’s review. Our two sheriff deputies, Wyatt and Mike- they killed Dirty Willy, tortured him, froze him, hung him. But what did they want out of him? Money? Do-re-mi? You won’t be surprised if I tell you the answer is no. Dirty Willy had one dirty little secret left and these guys were trying to get it out of Monay… and us.
Deputy Wyatt   [Re-enters with Mona and Mike] It’s been eight hours. Start talking.
Jarod   I got nothing to say.
Deputy Wyatt   You just don’t get it, do you, Dixon? We do things the Vegas way. Now, Mona’s brother here is gonna drive her into the desert. If he doesn’t hear from me in 30, she’s gone, and I ice the two of you. Oh, and I keep the dog.
Dog   Growls.
Mona   Don’t give ’em anything, Argyle. Not one quarter!
Dog   Barks.
Argyle   Ah, put a sock in it, Dog.
Jarod   That was a strange thing to say.
Argyle   Yeah, right- especially since dogs don’t wear socks.
Jarod   Not Dog. Mona. She said, “not a quarter.” “Don’t give them one quarter.”
Argyle   Well, J-Man, Mona left a bucket full of quarters in Dick Dixon’s office.
Jarod   Dirty Willy’s secret. Whatever he was tryin’ to protect must have been in that bucket. Wyatt!
Argyle   Hey, what the hell are you doin’?
Jarod   I’m gonna give him what he wants. Wyatt!
    Richard Dixon’s Office
Deputy Wyatt   There is it.
[Recorder]   [Beeps] [Wyatt On Tape] Look, Willy. If you pay us what we need we won’t need to get rough with you. [Beeps]
Jarod   Falzone wasn’t extorting money from Willy and his club. You were.
Deputy Wyatt   And the dirty fat boy recorded me doin’ it.
Argyle   All the time you just wanted that tape, it was right there.
Deputy Wyatt   Nice work, detectives.
Jarod   Willy was just tryin’ to get that tape to Dick Dixon.
Argyle   So now you got it. Call your deputy and let Mona go.
Jarod   Poor Willy didn’t even know that Dick Dixon had skipped town.
Deputy Wyatt   Wait a second. You’re not Dick Dixon?
Jarod   No. [Punches Wyatt]
    [Slot Machine Bell Ringing] [Ice Pick Tapping On Desk]
Argyle   Loser.
Deputy Wyatt   [Regaining Consciousness, Groaning]
Jarod   Oh, hi, there.
Wyatt   [Realizes He’s Restrained, His Hand Is Taped To Desk] Let me outta this.
Jarod   Uh-uh. You know, you should be protecting people not extorting from them. But I guess that’s what they call the “Vegas way,” right?
Argyle   Oh, yeah.
Jarod   Well, we’ve already tried that. Let’s try the Jarod way.
Wyatt   [Sees Ice Pick In Jarod’s Hands] No! No! No!
    [Jarod Slams Ice Pick Between Wyatt’s Fingers]
Wyatt   You’re totally whacked.
Jarod   You don’t know the half of it. You’re going to make a call. You’re going to let Mona go.
Wyatt   I don’t think so.
Argyle   Loser.
Jarod   [Sighs, Slams Ice Pick Again Between Wyatt’s Fingers, Wyatt Yelps] Oh. Ooh, that’s harder than golf.
Wyatt   You’re outta your mind.
Jarod   Make the call.
Wyatt   No.
Argyle   [Still At Slot Machine] Uh, loser.
Jarod   [Slams Ice Pick Again] Last chance.
Wyatt   [Breathes Heavily]
Argyle   Loser.
Jarod   Okay. [Closes Eyes] Fore! [Prepares To Slam Ice Pick]
[Jarod Narrating]   Wyatt finally made the call. And so did I- to the F.B.I. When they arrived at the office, they found a killer waiting for them along with the evidence to convict him- all courtesy of the mysterious Richard. W. Dixon. But the story isn’t over. I still have one more job to do.
Parker   Anything?
Broots   Nothing.
Parker   Which is what we’re gonna be when we get back to the Centre. It was fun while it lasted- [Whispering] Puff Daddy. [Enters Bathroom, Closes Door]
    [Faucet Turns, Water Running]
Broots   [Sees Jarod Drive Up Through Blinds] Miss- [He Sees “Do Not Disturb Sign” On Bathroom Door] [Walks Up Behind Jarod With Gun] Hoo. I guess I’m not a scrub anymore.
Parker   [Opens Bathroom Door, Sees Broots] I hope you like Renewal Wing, ’cause I’m gettin’ you a gift certificate. The Centre reeducators can wipe this entire weekend from your brain.
Jarod   Well, you better tell them that Broots caught me.
Parker   [Pokes Head Out Door, Sees Jarod, Is Shocked]
Broots   [Chuckles]
Parker   Don’t have to. We’re a team, aren’t we… Dr. Funkenstein?
Broots   Well, that all depends on one thing, baby. Am I your Puff Daddy?
Parker   [Sighs] Oh, yeah, baby. And I wanna get funked up. [Advances, Kisses Broots]
Jarod   Oh, I have to watch?
Parker   You get to watch. [She and Broots Giggle, Jarod grimaces, shakes head disapprovingly] I’ll tell you what, Mr. Funkadelic. If we’re gonna do this, let’s do it right. [Shoves Broots Onto Bed] It’s my turn to live out a fantasy. Bald men have always driven me crazy.
Broots   [Chuckles]
Parker   [Presses Play Button On C.D. Player] [Chorus Singing Slow Soul] And it takes more than one to really satisfy me. Mr. Wiggles, get in here!
    [Wheels Squeaking]
Raines   [Spoken Lyric] [Dancers with Parker]
Broots   No. Miss Parker, what about us?
Raines   [To Broots] I want to get funked up.
Broots   [Covers Self With Small Pillow As Raines Approaches Bed] No. No. No. No. No!
Parker   [Tosses Water On Broots]
Broots   What the- Ah! Mr. Wiggles. [Sputters] Ow.
Parker   I told you not to fall asleep.
Broots   I was alseep?
Parker   Yeah.
Broots   The whole time?
Parker   Yes, Rip Van Winkle. You were makin’ some weird noises too. And by the way, what exactly is a “Puff Daddy”?
Broots   [Sees Gardenia]
[Jarod Narrating]   Like I said, I have one more thing to do. But it isn’t this…dream. It’s somebody else’s.
    Benny’s House
Wayne Newton   Can I help you with that?
Benny   Why, I- Oh, God. Oh, God. If you knew, sir, how much I’ve wanted to meet- This is an honor, sir. This is an honor.
Wayne Newton   Listen. Third row, polka dot dress.
Benny   Sir?
Wayne Newton   Adella. She was wearin’ a polka dot dress.
Benny   You are a god.
Wayne Newton   [Chuckles] Listen. I understand there’s something you’d like me to hear.
Benny   Well, as a matter of fact, uh, you probably wouldn’t wanna-
    [Accordion: Stray Notes]
Benny   You know-
Wayne Newton   I’d love to.
Benny   You would?
Wayne Newton   I would.
Benny   Yeah? [Chuckles] Okay. Here we go. [Swing Introduction] [Singing] [Dog Howls] [Singing Ends]
Wayne Newton   [Laughing]
Jarod, Argyle   Whoo!
Newton   Well, that was unmistakably you.
Benny   That was just the first verse. There’s more to come.
Newton   I cannot wait. Uh, listen. I wanna see you all tonight at my show. You’ll be my guest. I’ll leave your names at the front door. And by the way, I want you to know that Adella was my inspiration too.
Benny   Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Newton   See you. See you tonight.
Benny   What a guy.
Jarod   [To Newton] Thank you.
Newton   My pleasure. That could be the worst song I’ve ever heard.
Jarod   I know. But to him it was a dream come true.
Newton   [Chuckles] Guess they mean a lot to you, huh?
Benny   He listened. He liked it.
Argyle   Standing room only, Pop.
    [Jarod Nods]
Newton   Speaking of a lot, thank you for that donation.
Jarod   It was for a good cause.
Newton   You know, I don’t think I ever got your name.
Jarod   Well, everyone in town calls me Dick Dixon.
Newton   You’re Dick Dixon?
Jarod   Yes.
Newton   [Raises Fist]
    [Impact] [Body Hitting Ground]

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