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"Ouch!" He cries out. "Why did you do that?"
"We've been laying here so long your chest hair is turning gray. I just plucked a gray one, you should thank me." She says seriously as he looks down in panic and then back at her.
"It's not turning gray." He scowls as her free hand captures his face between her thumb and middle finger. Before he can say anything she squeezes his lips together so he look like a fish's blowing bubbles.
"I'm bored monkey boy. How much longer do we have to lay here like this?" She sighs as he pulls back then adds. "You're no fun Jarod."
"So, is this your way of getting revenge for all the jokes they have me play on you?" He asks as she blows smoke in his face.
"Jokes? Let's see. If a couple of strip searches, a few wild goose chases, a smelly package or two and locked up in a shipping container to spend some quality time with Lyle qualifies as a few 'jokes', then yes, you deserve more then a few missing hairs. Face it Jarod, deep down inside, you really enjoy doing those things to me." As she starts to pull another hair on his chest, he grabs her hand.
"Ah, let's not start that again." He looks around and tries to change the subject. "Have you ever noticed how writers' brains are like a big empty sound stage?"
"Hmm, it's the thought process that gets on my nerves. If I ever locate the loudspeaker their thoughts are broad casted over, I'm going to put a bullet in it." She blows smoke rings as the sound of someone drumming their fingers on a desk comes over the invisible loudspeaker. "I hate being left hanging and I hate people who drum their fingers while thinking!" Jarod shifts his weight to avoid the smoke.
"Speaking of hanging, that's usually how I end up when Lyle's in the story." With him still on top of her, Jarod's hips began to move without him having a say in the matter. "I think she is ready to go on with her story line."
"Oh Monica, Monica!" Jarod screams her name as he comes.
The writer's words comes over the unseen loudspeaker.
"Oh my God, here we go again. Now I'm Monica. What's wrong with these fan fic writers? They always insist on giving me a first name!" Miss Parker shakes her head and finds herself fully dressed standing next to Jarod. She has a drink in her hand and takes a sip.
"What about Jarod Russell? I don't mind the original writers giving me a last name, it was usually fake and for one episode." He sighs as he zips his jeans.
"Miss Parker, now you're carrying our child, I don't think you should drink." Jarod takes her drink away.
"You're right, I'll have to stop drinking and smoking. But Jarod, don't you think we should tell Sydney the good news?" Miss Parker and Jarod look at Sydney who has just arrived with Broots.
"Syd, Broots! Monica and I are going to have a baby!" Jarod tells his mentor with a big grin.
"Oh Jarod and Monica, I am so happy for you!" Both Sydney and Broots congratulate them.
"Here we go again! Not only am I'm Monica this story, I can't even drink or smoke!" The drink in her hand is gone, looking over at Jarod she sees him holding her glass. She puts one hand on her hip and reaches for the drink with the other.
"Don't worry Miss Parker. At least you're not Sydney Greene. Where in the hell did they come up with that?" Sydney walks up from behind her and takes the drink from Jarod's hand. "Why thank you Jarod."
"And kids! Why do I always have to have babies? And with Jarod no less!" She looks in disgust as her belly becomes more round and bigger, expanding as the minutes go by.
"You didn't have a problem with Debbie." Broots adds as he joins them.
"Yeah but she was your problem not mine. I only had her for a couple of episodes." She answers as she rubs her bulging belly.
"Well remember, your mother did try to rescue the children at the Centre Miss Parker. And it could be worse, you could have them with Lyle or Broots. I don't have a problem with children, as long as they aren't mine and I can give them back to their parents at the end of the episode." Jarod smirks as they hear the writer's thoughts boom through the sound stage of her brain.
- Later that day Jarod sees a car drive up to their house.
"Kyle!" He runs outside and grabs his brother. "I'm so happy you are here little brother! Monica and I are going to have a baby!"
"Oh, so you're in this too huh?" Jarod looks over at Kyle as he joins them.
"Yeah, but don't worry big brother. I always get shot by Lyle and then you name your first born after me." Kyle grins and playfully hits Jarod in the shoulder.
"Give me a cigarette Kyle." Miss Parker holds out her hand.
"I thought you're pregnant in this story?" Looking at her rapidly expanding belly with a smile. "Been at it again big brother?" He winks at Jarod as she snaps her fingers. Kyle pulls a pack out of his pocket, offers her one and lights it for her.
"That's the great thing about fan fic." She takes a drag and exhales the smoke. "You can't die or have ill effects from your bad habits. You can break all the rules and be as bad as you want."
"Getting shot and dragged back to the Centre to be abused by Lyle and the sweepers does hurt a bit. But it was part of the series so I don't have a big problem with that." Jarod winches as he feels the latest shot from a fan fic writer's newest story. Then lowering his voice and adding with a devilish grin. "But I will say sleeping with you Miss Parker does make up for it. "
"Well I'm getting sore from being mauled by you and Lyle." Parker glares at him. "And then there's Thomas, he's a sweetie of course. On the down side, I have the occasional writer who thinks Puff Daddy and I would be a match made in fan fic heaven. No wonder I'm so thin!"
"Someone call my name?" Lyle joins them and smiles at Miss Parker. "God, you're beautiful when you're mad."
"I know it was in the script but can it Lyle." She turns her attention to a woman coming out of the shadows. "Well, well if it isn't Brigitte. Nice to see you could join us. Love the clothes."
"Always a pleasure to see you too Miss Parker." Brigitte adjusts the bright multi-colored jacket with disgust. "Seems this writer has limited imagination. I hate this outfit, I look like a clown. Hated it ever since the episode 'Toy Surprise' came out, the wardrobe person should have been shot."
Lyle and Brigitte approach the two men and after a brief confrontation, Lyle aims his gun at Jarod. As he pulls the trigger, Kyle jumps in front of Jarod taking the bullet meant for his big brother.
"Kyle, hang on little brother. Don't die on me now." Jarod cradles his dying brother in his arms.
"I'm sorry Jarod." With that Kyle dies. Jarod jumps up and faces Lyle.
"You'll never get away with this Lyle!" He shouts.
Lyle laughs, fires another shot and hits Jarod in the shoulder. Brigitte heads inside the house to find Miss Parker.
"Shot again, I have more bullet holes then a practice target." Jarod puts his hand up to his shoulder and glares at Lyle.
Kyle looks down as he begins to fade. "Well see you in another fan fic big brother. Don't forget, name that first kid after me!" And with that he fades from sight.
"Poor Kyle, he always gets killed." Brigitte chuckles. "But I agree with Parker, if I were real and ate this much candy I wouldn't have any teeth and I'd be fat. Of course if it were up to me I'd dress better."
"So tell me Brigitte, how do you feel about your portrayal in these fan fics?" Sydney asks.
"Well Dr. Freud, I'm always a bitch, you never know which side I'm on and I get killed most of the time." She sucks seductively on the red lollipop. "But then again I do get to eat all the sugar I want and threaten people. I'd have to say I love it."
"Brigitte! I should have known that was you from the smell of your perfume." Miss Parker cries as she is cornered by Brigitte.
"Well Luv, you know how that goes, you shouldn't have gotten mixed up with the lab rat."
"Hmm, I do like your perfume. What is it?" Miss Parker asks grinding out her cigarette with the toe of her shoe. "As you know I only get to wear Channel." She inwardly curses Steve and Craig for that little detail.
"Oh it's Hanae Mori." Brigitte replies. Suddenly she notices her body is becoming more and more opaque and sighs. "Well I guess I'm being written out. Those damn writers."
"Too bad Brigitte." Lyle smiles as Brigitte fades away and Jarod suddenly finds himself hanging. "Oh, here comes my favorite part! I love it when I get to torture Jarod."
Lyle has Jarod back at the Centre. Mr. Parker and Raines are delighted and Lyle is given a free hand to encourage the Pretender to co-operate. Mr. Parker and Raines watch as Lyle with the aid of Willie and the other sweepers torture Jarod.
"Hello Angel." Mr. Parker smiles and kisses the top of her head. "I see I'm going to be a grandfather in this story. Can't have too many heirs now can we?" He winks and pats her ballooning belly.
"Miss Parker, Jarod, Sydney." Raines wheezes as he drags his oxygen tank behind him.
"Who are you?" Jarod asks a man without a face standing with Willie who is holding jumper cables.
"I'm a nameless faceless sweeper." The man answers as he checks Jarod's restraints. "I just aid the rest in finding you or torturing you."
Miss Parker has escaped with the help of Sydney and Broots. They take her to the home of Harriet, a friend of Broots.
"Harriet will take care of you Miss Parker. As soon as we find anything out about Jarod, one of us will contact you." Sydney tells her as they leave.
"And just who in the hell are you?" Miss Parker snaps at the woman who appears next to Broots.
"I'm the original character. You know Harriet, the one you're suppose to be staying with because you're too fat and pregnant to go back to the Centre safely." The woman says staring at Miss Parker's huge belly. "You look like you're ready to pop and bitchy too."
"Oh, right. You're the one shot deal, this is your first and only story." Miss Parker looks her up and down. She stops and frowns at the woman's hair. "Why is half your hair brown and the other half blond?"
"Ask the fan fic writer, she doesn't seem to be able to make up her mind." Harriet answers back.
Miss Parker takes a deep breath as she walks over to where she thinks the sound from the loudspeaker originates from and yells. "Hey you up there! The muse who has this writer, get your ass down here now!"
A young woman in flowing Grecian attire with a weary look on her face appears.
"What's the problem?" She asks adjusting the wreath of flowers and leaves on her head.
"The writer! What kind of muse are you? She can't even make a simple decision regarding hair color!"
"It's not my fault. I'm doing the best I can. It seems everyone thinks they're a author these days so we're short of help. I've got everything from creative writing students, political speech writers to actors as well as fan fic writers. And you're complaining about hair color? I can't do anything but try to assist." With that the muse brushes a strand of hair from her face and starts to disappear.
"Not so fast!" Parker growls and grabs the Muse's wrist. "You need to do something about this writer. I'm tired of being of her being stuck."
"Being left hanging doesn't help either." Jarod adds.
"OK." The muse snaps her fingers and a marble table appears covered with scrolls. She begins to dig through them, reading off the titles as she picks each one up."Creative writing students, no that's not it. This one is sermons, newspaper reporters, political speech writers, ah TV script writers. Hmm no, no, let's see."
"Wouldn't it be easier to have everything on a computer?" Broots starts to pick up a scroll only to have her slap his hand.
"Sorry but we're old fashion, like everything on a hard copy. Besides I pre-date you by several thousand years. It was easier when people just drew on cave walls." She pulls a scroll from the bottom of the pile and unrolls it. "Ah yes, fan fiction. Let's see, Airwolf, CSI Las Vegas, CSI Miami, CSI New York, Desperate Housewives....what was the name of your show again?"
"The Pretender!" Everyone yells in unison.
"OK, here we are. Active writers, comic writers, deceased writers, dormant writers.....hmmm, first time writers. Yes, she's here, a first time writer. I'll try to kick it up a notch but you'll have to be patient." With that both the muse, her scrolls and the marble table disappear.
"Well that accomplishes a lot." Lyle growls. "I can just imagine what this writer has in mind for me."
"Get off it Lyle. You're not one of the main characters, you're expendable, easily written out." Jarod scowls at him as he continues to hang.
"Really?" Lyle raises one eyebrow as he approaches him. "And when it comes to torturing you, who do you think the writers are going to call on? Raines? Mr. Parker? Miss Parker?" He strokes his gloved hand and laughs. "Sis here, she's weak. She always running around crying, 'I want to know who killed my mother.' Almost as bad as you sniveling, 'I want to know who I am.' Or better yet!" He imitates Jarod. "Where's my mom and dad?"
"Shut up Lyle. If I don't have this kid soon I'll shoot both of you!" Miss Parker is impatient with the bickering.
"See what I mean? Look how she comes to your defense. No wonder the writers always have her on your side." He picks up the ends of two jumper cables, bringing them together resulting in a shower of sparks. "Face it, when it comes to torture, no one does it better and the writers know it. That's why I'm in ninety nine point nine percent of the fan fics when it comes to torturing you."
"Actually that's ninety one point three percent, give or take." Jarod corrects him. Suddenly he is released from his restraints and is now hooded and handcuffed. "Well here we go again."
"Miss Parker, we've have news about Jarod. Raines and Lyle are shipping him to Africa. I've called Bailey Malone, a friend of Jarod's, for help in a rescue attempt." Sydney tells her on the phone.
"I'll contact Major Charles, Sydney. With any luck, the two of them can work together and free Jarod." She tells him.
Later that day, Lyle and Raines leave the Centre with an entourage of sweepers as they take Jarod to the airport. As they near the air field, several explosions go off creating a diversion. A black car zooms up behind the town car Jarod is in, pulling a perfect pit maneuver by striking the right rear bumper sending it into a spin. As the town car spins off the road, the black car comes to a screeching halt and a man jumps out. He races over to now stalled town car, opens the back door, pulls the hooded and handcuffed Pretender from the car.
"Jarod, it's me Bailey . Your dad and I are here to rescue you. Now hang on and run!" Bailey tells him as they make their way back to the black car. As Lyle regains his senses, he yells to the sweeper team to go after Jarod. Willie is the first to respond. He runs and grabs Jarod but Bailey hits Willie several times in the face and they make their escape.
"Hurry son! This way!"Major Charles yells at Jarod as he struggles to remove his hood and follow his father's voice.
"Dad!" As Major Charles appears beside him Jarod greets him with a hug. "It's good to see you. It's not often we get to be in the same story together."
"It's good to see you too son." Major Charles hugs Jarod back and then eyes Miss Parker's huge abdomen with concern. "Well, I see the two of you are at it again."
"Major Charles." Miss Parker greets him with a icy stare before turning her attention to the writing. "Well she did keep her promise and kicked it up a notch. But the question is, will it stay like this or fall back into crappy writer mode? God forbid she has another writer's block!"
A man suddenly appears next to Willie.
"I take it you're the guy rescuing me?" Jarod who now has several cuts on his fore head asks. "You look familiar."
"Got that one right. I'm Bailey Malone from the Profiler."
"That's where I know you from! The Profiler cross-overs, especially the episode 'Spin Doctor'! Rachel Burke ah yes. " Jarod lowers his voice and asks slyly. "How is Rachel these days? Does she miss me?"
"You don't want to go there, believe me." Bailey tells him grimly.
"Terrific, a cross over!" Miss Parker throws her hands up in the air and begins to pace. "It's bad enough we have to deal with our own problems and original characters but now...." She turns and glares at the man. "Now we have a cross over too. You cross over characters always fuck things up. And you lab rat, we're going to have a little talk about this Rachel character later. "
"Why can't you stay in your own fandom?" Willie asks as he nurses a cut lip.
"Ask the writer. I'm only here because she wrote me into this story." He looks around. "It's not like I asked to be here. I was happy in the Profiler fandom doing my own thing with Sam."
"Dad, it's good to see you again!" Jarod cries. "How did you know where to find me?" As they speed away in the black car, Jarod looks back at Lyle and the sweepers .
"Monica called. You need to get home son, she's ready to have that baby. We'll drop you off up here. There's a car hidden in the trees, the keys are under the seat. It's got a high performance engine and will out run anything the Centre has. You'll be safe. Bailey and I will try to draw them away from you."
"But Dad..." Jarod protests.
"I would go with you son but I have a lead on your mother and I need to drop Bailey off on the way."
"Thanks Bailey. I owe you one." Jarod tells him as Bailey unlocks his handcuffs.
"Don't worry about it Jarod, I know you would do the same for me. Now go to your wife and new baby."
Bailey disappears and Miss Parker looks down with a smile. Her abdomen is flat and she is holding a baby in her arms.
"Nice to see my shoes again. I hate being pregnant in these stories. Now where did I put those dam cigarettes? And someone get me a drink!"
Jarod races home to Miss Parker. She is holding a baby.
"Look honey, it's baby Kyle!" She tells him.
"Hello baby Kyle!" Jarod smiles and takes the baby's small hand in his. "I promise I will always be there for you."
"Told you I'd be back." Hearing Kyle's voice Jarod and Miss Parker looks closely at the baby's face in her arms and sees Kyle's smiling back at them.
"Can't get rid of you can we?" She snaps and turns her attention to a ghostly figure that has appeared. "Hi Mom."
"Hello dear. I can't stay long, I'm only a brief memory in this story. Sorry." With that she disappears from view.
"Here, let me take him." The elderly woman with white hair says as Monica hands her the baby. "You two must want some time alone."
"Thanks Harriet, you're a sweetheart." Monica smiles as Harriet take baby Kyle to the nursery. Then her eyes fill with tears as she looks up at Jarod. "Honey, can we name the next baby after my Mom if it's a girl? Please?" She asks.
"Of course Monica. There's nothing I'd like better. Now let's head up stairs and see about making another baby."
Jarod and Miss Parker find themselves back in bed in the same position as before.
"Well do you think she's going to finish this damn thing or are we stuck here?" She sighs and reaches for a pack of cigarettes hidden under the pillow as Jarod leans on his elbow and snaps her bra strap.
"I think we're stuck here for the time being Miss Parker. I just heard her hit save and the computer turn off."