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disclaimer: I don't own 'em Note:i appoligize in advance to all the Canadian's and Yuppers out there, but I'm aloud to make fun of the accent.

Pretender Payback
by Asslee

Ashlee Lau's House
Stanton Township, MI

"Finally, a night to myself. Mom and Jason 're gone. Now I can try to conger up some ideas." I said as I sat down at my computer in my small room. I clicked on my radio. "Country music. Ach, crappy song. Thank God fer CD players." I throw in my Great Divide CD and start to sing along. "Barmaid play me some Buffet, I'm in a mood to get away. So poor me a vacation, I need to leave here right away. I gotta get down by the ocean, if it's only in my mind, take me out to paradise, if only for tonight I can leave it all behind."

I turned around suddenly hearing someone clear their throat. "Mommy, is that you?" but the person I saw was about ten inches taller than my mom and wearing a dark blue silky shirt and matching pants. Miss Parker, damn. "Um… what the hell?"

"No, Ashlee dear, it's not you 'mommy.' Although you do seem to feel free to pass that line of work along."

Thinking quickly I pass the blame on. "Uh, Habib made me do it. Yupppers, its all his fault!"

"I suppose it's his fault that I have amnesia now too?" came a sultry, chocolaty voice. I could have melted right there. Jarod, the voice in my head sighed.

"Jarod, hi!" I compose myself before I let out a lovelorn sigh. "Um, okay, not that I'm complaining here, but what is it that you guys are here for?" I said now relaxed. I had finally come to terms with what was happening. I should have expected it after the cliffhangers I had been leaving.

Parker gave me a duh look and crossed her arms over her chest. I looked right in her eyes, twirling a pencil in between my fingers as I leaned back in my computer chair. I was feeling really stupid in my sweat pants and flannel shirt, but hey, the trailer isn't well insulated and the furnace isn't working. Not to mention the ten to twenty mile an hour winds out side. Finally she spoke. "We want you hurry the hell up and finish your stories so that we have one less author to bug about closure."

"Oh, well, when you say it like that it sounds so easy. Why don't I just whip out another thirteen pages in the next five seconds and get it over with?" I said sarcasm dripping from the words. My voice softened as I spotted Jarod wince at the harshness. "Look, I'm sorry, but I'm kinda busy." I got a look from Miss Parker. "Okay, that's a lie, I've been procrastinating with my school reports just as much as I have with you guys." I shrug my shoulders. At least I had tried.

"Okay," Jarod started. "I want to know if I killed Brody, and why the hell didn't I tell Parker the reason why I left in FOI? It would have made life a whole lot easier." Jarod demanded in a soft voice.

Damn that voice. I could have died and gone to heaven right then and there. I just stared until I realized what I was doing and pulled myself together. "I'm not sure yet. On either question."

"What are Lyle and that Cox guy planning?" Parker asked, arms still crossed, towering over me.

I just smile a sadistic smile and shrug my shoulders. That's when Miss Parker spotted my sticky notes plastered all over my computer. "Well, well, what do we have here?"

I make a lame attempt to grab them back, but she's a good five inches taller than I am, so I don't stand a chance. "Ah, hell." I say, giving up and plopping back into my chair.

Parker reads them to herself, Jarod looking at them over her shoulder.

"Let's see. Huh? What does this mean?" She showed Jarod the paper and then read it out loud. "ML & MC grw tgthr MC oldr jnd Cntr klld B? Pln tke ovr." She got the next note. "DP hpng MP get pgnt by J." Miss Parker re-read that one and a look of rage came over her. She threw the note at me. "GREAT!

Just what I need, another author getting me knocked up!"

I calmly picked up the note and re-attatched it to my computer. "I DIDN'T say that it was a guaranteed thing." I hope she doesn't remember FOI, please don't remember.

A look of epiphany came over Parker's features. "Oh yeah, that's right I already have a baby don't I? And Merideth might be mine too!" Miss Parker was advancing on me when the sound of someone trying to shut the front door saved me, or so I thought.

I peered around Miss Parker just in time to spot Special Agents Mulder and Scully walking towards me. "We want answers." Mulder said as he and Scully shoved their way into the already full room.

"Join the club." I muttered.

"What's with letting FOWLey kidnap us?" Scully asked, as she too crossed her arms.

"Well, it has ta do wit UST…" I start.

Mulder gave me a look. "What's this UST bullshit?"

"It stands fer 'unresolved sexual tension.' I don't like things ta be unresolved so I'm solving 'em. Agent FOWLey's just helpin' me."

"I thought she wanted Mulder for herself?" Jarod jumped in.

"She does, I told 'er that if she was gunna get him she would have ta help me. I lied, and now that she's dead there's inn't much she can do about it, is there?" I laugh evilly. I stop when no one joins me. I clear my throat.


"So, me and Scully here are going to get together?" He waggles a suggestive eyebrow at me.

"Hey, no ones gettin' any 'till I do. And considering the fact that I'm 17 and a loner I would hold yur breath."

Jarod looked at me with a bemused smile. "That's an odd accent that you have."

"It's a Yupper accent." I explained.

"It sounds Canadian to me." Mulder threw in.

"Yeah, I think it's Canadian too." Scully agreed, as did Parker and Jarod.

"I AM NOT CANADIAN!" I say, rather agitated at the fact that whenever I go further than Minnesota everyone thinks I'm Canadian. I take a deep breath. They're all imitating my accent now.

"I'm frum Canada, eh?"

"Ya, eh?"

"Der ya go now, eh?"

"It's da secon' week a deer camp an all da guys are here." Mulder sang.

"STOP!" I well, trying to get them all to concentrate. "I'm glad that use guys are havin' fun at my expense, but get ta the point."

"Scully and I just came to say that we don't like being held captive by Diana."

Scully added to his response. "I'm just worried about what that doctor is going to do to me."

"Nothing to serious." I assure her. "And yur gunna get some good news out of this whole thing too."

"Thanks, that's all we wanted to know. We'll leave to work now." Mulder said as he snapped his fingers and they disappeared.

"Gee, thanks." I said just before they vanished. "And you two?"

Parker and Jarod were huddled together discussing the situation. "Look, I just don't want to wined up pregnant." Miss Parker said. I would hope it wasn't Jarod. I laughed at that. I stopped at the glare Parker shot me.

"Um, I wouldn't worry about it. Yur not gettin' pregnant 'till I do. Oh, wait I can't guarantee that. There's always invetrial insemination." Parker gave me another glare. I shrug my shoulders. "I can't stop the muses. Go tell them what ya want."

"I will." Parker said, turning to leave.

"There's going to be a happy ending right?" I spotted my black folder in his arms and gasped. He had read my early stories were the bad guys always won.I smiled. "Yeah, there'll be a happy ending." He whispered something in my ear. "That just might so the trick."

"Good. Buy Ashlee."

"Buy Jarod. Miss Parker."

"Yeah, buy." Miss Parker snapped her fingers and they were gone again.

"Weeeelllll, that was interesting, defiantly something I'll keep to myself, but interesting non the less." I stare at the computer screen, and start singing again as I began to type. "Closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world. Closing time, turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl. Closing time, one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."


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