Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Microsoft Word

- Text Size +

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, no infringement is intended and no money is being made.



A/N: Thanks to Nancy for betaing.

This is a companion piece to Sacrifice and A Moment of Weakness


A Lonely Heart
By Melanie-Anne



It's strange to think of mortality. The idea that one day you just stop being… that whatever force it is that keeps you alive is suddenly not enough. Who was it who said we are born dying? Oh well, it's not important.



Death is unavoidable. Sometimes it creeps up slowly and takes you quietly and gently. In my line of work it's usually sudden and comes in the form of a small lead bullet.



I want to die peacefully in my bed, in the middle of the night. Not like Mama. Not like Tommy.



It's been one year since he was taken from me. I'm standing in the cemetery now, staring at the concrete headstone.



'Thomas Gates,' it says.



And there are dates. A date of birth and a date of death.



It should say more. It should say, 'Loving husband and father.' Or something like that. But he never got that chance.



His death was my fault. They killed him because I loved him.



Because I didn't love him enough.



I didn't love him enough to elope with him when he first suggested it. I didn't love him enough to tell him to leave before they could hurt him.



I didn't love him enough because…



Because I loved him too much. Too much to send him back to the Centre so that I could be free. Too much to face the thought of never seeing him again.



So it was my selfishness and not my love that killed Tommy.



And my pride. Too much pride to tell Jarod how I really felt. Too much pride to risk his rejection.



You know what the funny thing is? They were friends. They knew each other. I suspect Jarod may have even sent him to me. Of course I didn't know this until just the other day.



I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that Jarod thinks I'm incapable of falling in love on my own and that he has to set me up!



He got Tommy into this. He's as much to blame as I am.



No. Not us. The Centre. The source of all that is wrong in my life. They killed my mother and they killed Tommy.



I won't let them kill me.



I won't let them kill someone else that I love.



Cupid's got a horrible sense of humor. Pairing me up with the one person I could never have, assuming he even feels the same way. Thanks a lot, asshole.



I lay the yellow rose on the grass in front of the headstone.



Yellow.



The color of friendship.



I'm sorry, Tommy. I'm sorry I couldn't be the woman you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I never told you the truth… that I can't stand Oregon. There are so many things I should have done differently.



Should have. Could have. Would have.



Thinking about what could have been isn't going to help.



I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't the woman you deserved. I'm sorry I came home late all the time and never told you my name when you asked. If I ever get to heaven I'll apologize in person.



Don't hold your breath, though.



If you run into my mother up there, tell her I love her.



And, Jarod, wherever you are, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that you lost your friend. But I'd be here forever if I had to apologize for every way in which I've wronged you.



Most of all, I'm sorry for everything that we could be, for everything that will not come to pass.



Promise me you'll never stop running, okay? 'Cause I think I could handle just about everything except having to take you back there.



Tommy, if you're still listening, keep my secret, please. And, one day, when you see Jarod again, will you tell him what I can't? Will you help him understand why I made the choices I did?



I won't ever forget you, I promise. That's the least I can do.



There is one other thing I can do for you. One step towards redemption. I will find the person who did this to you and I will make them wish they'd never had the misfortune to be born. But I guess thoughts like that aren't helping my case with the man upstairs, right?



I'm sorry. I just… I miss you. I miss being loved. And I wish… I wish things were different.



Great. Now I'm crying. That's just great, Parker. Pull yourself together. It's no use crying over something that's not going to change. Be strong. You're a Parker.



Yes, a Parker. I hate that name. I hate what it stands for. I hate that it means I'm stuck living a life I never asked for, playing a game of cat-and-mouse I don't want to play.



I hate that it means I can't be happy.



Did I ever thank you for making me happy, if only for a little while? Probably not, I've never taken the time to thank anybody for anything. I… well, I guess it's too late for that now. But thank you anyway.



I came here to say goodbye. I can't let this guilt I feel keep eating me up inside. And I can't tell anyone else how I feel because then they'd see how weak I really am. Do you forgive me, Tommy? Do you forgive me for killing you?



I can't stay here any longer. I need to be alone, I need to be in a private space, a safe space where I can cry for Mama and Tommy and Jarod. And me. Except I'm scared that once I let go I'll never stop crying.



As I turn to leave I see a figure in black half-hidden behind a tree. Jarod. His sense of honor, his devotion to his friends, is so strong that he'll risk coming here in broad daylight so that he can pay his respects. He lifts his hand in greeting and I manage to smile back. I'm too tired to fight today.



On the way home, my mind replays this latest exchange over and over again. And, despite all the odds that are stacked against us, I can't help hoping that I'll still get the happy ending Mama wanted for me. The happy ending I dreamed about as a little girl.



My happy ending with Jarod.









You must login (register) to review.