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Note: The title is taken from a Bon Jovi Song I love a lot, form the album “These days” which is special to me because it was my very first concert I attended.
Lyrics: www.songlyrics.co.nz/lyrics/b/bonjovi/heartsbreaking.htm
Response to: Tiffany’s February List challenge
Rating: Hey, it’s me, guess …
Hearts Breaking Even
„Shut up Broots! Go with Sydney, I am old enough to head up to the church on my own!” I shouted and went away from them.
The sun was shining down warm. I should buy some spring clothing when I am back at my hotel room, before I head upstairs. My pair of black trousers is too warm for this weather, absolutely. I’ve not thought that it can get that warm in early April in Vienna, never.
I am even able to smell the different flowers – tulips, iris and daffodils. It was really going to be summer soon. I have once been in Vienna before, but during this journey I was just able to visit all those important discos and some monuments. Just some short views on the major hall and the Schönbrunn castle, things I thought my dad would like to see pictures of, but he never did.
We’ve had a lead on Jarod which brought us, Sydney, Broots and me, to Austria. The flight was nearly a catastrophe because Broots got sick. Thanks to the crew, I didn’t sit next to him during all the flight. He got a seat near the toilets. Syd said that he wasn’t alright back home, so maybe I should have asked him first, before booking the flights, maybe. But hell, I am the boss over here, so he has to do what I want.
So, here we are now, in the botanic garden of Vienna. It’s not as big as the one I visited in Moscow, but it’s different too. For example there isn’t any entry to pay, and it’s much warmer than it was in Russia. It’s getting pretty warm in my sweater.
Syd and Broots are searching for Jarod on the left side of the garden and me on the right, the one which seems to be near the castle. I asked the taxi driver how it is called. He grinned and said that it’s “Belvedere”.
At this time, I started to remember that it was built by a prince called Eugene of Savoy, which helped the Austrians against the Turkish during one of the two battles. I can't remember which it was, but I read this in a book about Austrian history when I was at Boarding School in Italy. But it was a long time ago and I forgot a many things during the years.
Broots had found the lead on Jarod, or maybe it was just a trick of my rat boy, I am not sure. Maybe he is still in Delaware who can know? But we are here now and I have the feeling that he is very close to us, maybe just a few days and we’ll have him.
I try to concentrate on the people who are studying the flowers in the garden. I read at the entry, when I was waiting for Broots and Syd that it’s a part of the University. They are mostly students. The park is full of young people, younger than me but on the benches, there are especially old couples or mothers with their children.
I decided to stop at the small fountain, to watch the people a little, drink some water, and get rid of my sweater. Under it I was wearing a soft white linen blouse, matching my underwear. I really need to buy some lighter cloths. I’ll die in these black jeans of mine if I have to wear them every day, if the heat persists.
I saw a young mother, maybe aged 18 or 19, not sure, with her baby. She was nursing him, while a two years old was playing with stones in front of her. She was looking relaxed and calm, smiling at her baby.
On another bench, I saw an old couple, in the mid seventieth. The man with white hair was talking to his wife. They laughed at something he said and were holding hands.
Will I ever be able to sit somewhere with a baby in my arm or just with the man of my life, arm in arm, for an hour without being disturbed, without being afraid of being caught? I guess no. It would be a miracle.
I could see Broots and Sydney trough the trees and bushes. They were talking to each other. I wasn’t even able to talk to Syd in the same way as Broots does normally. I’m hidden, always, hidden inside myself.
Slowly I went up to the church, a small catholic church which was held by nuns. We’d decided to meet up there, because I wanted to talk to the priest. He was the connection we had with Jarod. By the botanic garden, the entry of the church goes through the playground of the catholic kindergarten.
I knocked twice and a nun opened me the small door. She looked friendly and smiled at me.
“Was kann ich für Sie tun?”, she asked me and I tried to collected the few German I remembered and figured out that she may have asked me if she can help me in any way.
“I want to talk to Father Paul”, I said and smiled at her.
“Oh, yeah right”, she said, “you have to be Ms. Parker. Come with me I will lead you to him.”
Slowly I went through the garden, watching my feet and trying not to see those happy children playing in their sandbox. They giggled and did other typical children like stuff, like all kids do.
“Father Paul, this is Miss Parker.”, the nun introduced me. In front of me was a young man sitting, maybe in his early forties. He was wearing black jeans and a grey polo. His hair was short, he was tall and slim, and he was wearing thin glasses.
“It’s an honour to meet you Miss Parker.”, he said in broken English.
“I hope Jarod has told you something nice of me too.” I answered with a grin and we shook hands. Father Paul smiled back.
“Let’s go for a little walk. Okay?”
“Sure, whatever you want.” I mumbled.
I couldn’t believe it but it was the first time in ages that I felt comfortable around a priest, the first time since Mum died.
“You aren’t Austrian, aren’t you Father Paul?” I asked shyly. I have never been good in talking with priests.
“You are right Miss Parker, I am Slovakian, but please call me just Paul. Father makes me feel like I am already as old as the Pope.”
We both laughed. The man really laughed with me.
“You know, as good as I do that Jarod and I met. I figured it out long ago, that it was important for him, that I will tell you everything.”
“You imagined it out? Jarod is normally an open book …”
“No, Ms Parker he’s a very shy little boy if you know him like I know him. He gave me something for you, but I am not sure that you’ll be comfortable with it. He told me that you two have a very complicated relationship. This present seems to be rather personal. He has told me what it is, I haven't looked at it. It’s yours. I have it stored under my bed in my room.”
We sat down on a small bench near the water fountain, the one where I paused on my way up.
“The water is pretty fine and you seem to sweat a little. Do you want some?” I just nodded.
From an old woman near the fountain, the got a glass. She seemed to sell them or hand them out. And he brought me the glass of water.
I remember the time in Italy when I was able to drink the water from the pipes, pretty good water directly from the Alps. But this time is long ago. I read that they sprinkle their plants with this great water, and this was pretty good. It didn’t smell and tasted perfectly. I really let it run through my mouth, from one side to the other.
We did some small talk before we went up to his room. Paul’s room wasn’t too small but far away from being pretty big, maybe as big as my bedroom. I was standing in the door frame and really felt uncomfortable to stand in a priest’s private room. He knelt down and pulled a box out from under the bed.
“This it is. Open it at home, alone. I won’t tell you what’s inside, but be sure that nobody sees it. I don’t want you to be humiliated.” He smiled at me with a soft red flush over his pale cheeks. “I wish you some nice days here in Vienna, Ms Parker and take care of yourself.”
Outside of the church I met Broots and Syd again, talking about the sense behind being religious. I knew that Sydney was religious, catholic, but never thought about Broots this way.
“And news?” Syd asked me and pointed to the box.
“No, this is just something from Father Paul. I shall take care of it.” I lied, “I am tired boys, let’s call it a day.”
“Sure, what ever will please you” Broots said with a grin on his lips.
I couldn’t wait to get into my room to open it. The box wasn’t big, and Paul gave me a bag for it, so that nobody was able to see the red tissue paper in which it was wrapped. What could it be?
ef
Finally I was alone in room, fresh out of the shower. My hair was still damp and honestly I was tired as hell. This day hasn’t been as I expected, not as I’d expected Vienna to be in spring.
I was wearing my robe. The door of the adjoining room, where Sydney and Broots were, was locked. Whatever Jarod wanted to give me, I don’t want one of those two freaks to see it.
I sat down on the bed, next to the box. Well it seemed to me that it was time to open it and see what my personal freak got me.
Slowly I let the loop glide open, it felt like satin and it was dark blue. My favourite colour. Suddenly I noticed that it had started to rain and heard the sound of drops against the window pane, softly like a sound of music. It remembered me the day I told Jarod about rain and the sound it makes against my window and how much I am afraid of it. I remember clearly that he said nothing against it, and I told him further more, that during these nights of rain I am not able to sleep. Sometimes my mum came to my room to calm me down but since she was died, nobody came to calm me, nobody was ever home.
So the loop was away, I let my fingers trace through the point where the paper was put together with a piece of adhesive tape –cute, not even super glue this time. I opened the box and saw it. God, why now Jarod? In this box I found my dear old Teddy bear, one I have given to Jarod. I had totally forgotten that I have given this bear to him over all those years. So many things had happened but Jarod had still taken care of him, well Mr. Spooky would need some tender loving care, but this is something I could take care of, maybe.
I took the bear out of the box and found under it a note from Jarod.
“Meet me there where many ways get you into but just one brings you out. The place we always met, so nobody can find us. Ask the man at the reception where this could be. Always, J.”
God Jarod you and your games! How shall I know what he means with this, one way out and many ways in? Somewhere where we met when we were young. Somewhere nobody can find us because just one way brings you to the place you want to head to. Only one place? Jarod, please, once without any riddles, just once please.
Suddenly the phone next to me rang and I nearly fell of the bed because it startled me.
“Yes?” I asked shyly, not sure who had this number.
“So you’ve been at Father Paul’s?” this remarkable male voice said.
“Sure, like always, just one step behind you. But you know Jarod, once …”
“Stop it Parker, I will always be one in front at least as long as I want to be one in front of you because you know that I am able to do so and even if I am one behind you, you wouldn’t even recognize it because you are so fixed to find me that you don’t even risk to look back, once.”
”What do you mean?” I asked not sure what he wanted to tell me with this cryptic sentence.
“Were you hot in your sweater today?” He said and I could already feel him smile through the phone.
“You’ve been at the botanic garden, great. So why haven't you given me the gift in person. Afraid I could shoot you?”
“You wouldn’t shoot me in front of a clerical. Parker you won’t even be able to shoot me if I was under your bed now.”
Right, he was right. I couldn’t shoot him not even if he would be under my bed. I wasn’t able to see him hurt. Shit, this can't be Parker, this can't be. You have to bring him back so you get your life and he gets the life they want. No chance to change this plan.
“So see you tomorrow at three.”
“Where is the place I will find you? I haven't a clue what you mean with that!”
“Think, where did we met when we were young in secret?”
“The vent system.” I answered knowing.
“Okay and what is the vent system at all? I mean if you see it all in all and not just the place we met. I mean there are many ways to get into the system but just one way to get out of the Centre, isn’t it so?” he said knowing that he was right.
These were the last words he said before I heard the tone which told me that he had hung up. At least I realised what the riddle should tell me now.
I changed into a pair of dark blue Levis and a light blue linen blouse with ¾ sleeves and headed in my nice typical American cowboy boots downstairs to the reception to ask where this could be.
“Sorry sir, I have a question. May you tell me where I can find any labyrinths in Vienna, sir?”
“I’d say one of the most famous is at Schönbrunn, in park behind the castle. There are some smaller ones and some tourists call the small streets from the city back to the hotel a complete labyrinth, but if you are looking for a real one, go to Schönbrunn.”
“Schönbrunn, that’s the big old castle isn’t it? The one next to the zoo?”
“Yes you are right Miss. Ever been to Vienna before?” he asked me with a smile. He was an old man, maybe in his late sixties, with green eyes and short white hair. His smile was lovely. Unfortunately, I’ve never known any of my grandparents unfortunately, never met one of them. I always wondered how it would be to have somebody to tell you how it was in the past. I’ve learned a lot in history, in all the boarding schools in Europe but never anything about the past of my family, never.
“Not really Sir and thank you, you’ve been a big help.”
With the paper in my hand I got back into the elevator and thought about it. He was good, pretty good with riddles, but I wouldn’t have solved this without his help. Never.
I played with the paper in my hand and turned it from side to the other one and I now noticed that this was a used sheet of paper; I mean something was written on the backside of it. God this was my handwriting!
“Things I want to DO when I grow up
· kiss a boy
· become a grandmother
· read all books my Alexandre Dumas
· once hug Cary Grant
· go to Buenos Aires to see Evita’s grave
· have kids
· once see the Eiffel Tower
· ride on a camel
· see native Americans like Winnetou
· …. “
Where did Jarod have this from? I can remember writing it, I must have been seven or eight. He had made his list too and, god, yes, we’ve exchanged them to hide them. Once, when we’d be grown up we wanted to re- exchange them, so that everybody can see if this had happened or not yet.
“Do you always have to remember me to those things?” I mumbled like a whisper on the way to my room.
“Where do you come from?” Sydney asked me. I hadn’t seen him.
“I have just been downstairs and grabbed a bite to eat. Hope you don’t care that I haven't waited for you.”
“No problem Parker we just finished showering and wanted to go downstairs on our own. Have a nice evening.” he said, Broots nodded with a smile and they went towards the elevator, I unlocked the door and got into my room.
“How could that happen?” I asked myself when I saw the fresh arrangement of red roses on the table in front of the window.
“Always a step near you! J.” was written on the paper next to it.
“God Jarod, it’s always about you, call the time and you haven't even a clue about it.”
ef
“Morning Sydney” I said when he came downstairs for lunch and I headed back to my room with a big bag from Steffl, one of the most expensive cloth shopping centres of Vienna, well maybe it’s the most expensive of Vienna. I don’t know.
“What did you buy Ms Parker?” he asked me and smiled. Sydney mostly always smiled at me. He always seems to be able to read me.
“Just some lighter things to wear, I nearly died yesterday. How can it be that hot in spring?” I asked him and laughed softly.
“Well you know it can, you nearly grew up in Europe but I read at the TV text that it’s all in all very warm, even for Vienna this year.”
“Okay Sydney, well I’ll head back to my room. See you for dinner.” I said when turned around and went up.
I could feel his eyes on my back, wondering why dinner and not lunch. But Sydney would never ask me why.
ef
I paid the taxi driver for the distance from the hotel to Schönbrunn, the old yellow painted castle I remembered very well from some books and postcards. It was really an amazing building. I once read, I think yes, that it should look like Versailles but that the money went out, like most of the time, and that’s the reason why it is smaller than the original.
I slowly sauntered through the pre-park of the castle, where some small tourist shops were, and lots of Japanese took photos of them in front of the castle.
Me wearing my new short light blue linen costume - a short skirt and a soft dress jacket in the same style, somehow remembering to my mother’s Channel costumes. But this dress jacket didn’t have any buttons, instead it holds together with rivets which were nearly invisible because they had the same colour as the jacket. I wasn’t wearing any shirt under it, just some white lace underwear I’ve bought at a shop called Palmas which seemed to be like Victoria’s Secret to me, but more classic, more like me.
I wandered slowly, letting the warm spring sun shine on my face, through the entry to the castle park. In front of me, uphill, I saw the fascinating Gloriette where a nice “Kaffee” shall be in, as I was told by the taxi driver. He said something like “Best Melange up there” or something like that. I can't remember which type of coffee “Melange” really is, but I guess its something typical Viennese, like so many things.
I saw a small plan on the side way of the stony walk I was going along. The labyrinth? Well I have to go the second right. Okay, let’s try to remember the way then because it was shown on the plan, how to come to the middle of it. It seems to be made out of bushes which are cut in the right way to make a labyrinth. Typical Renaissance! I started to like it really.
I made my way along a couple of benches where old people where sitting, relaxing in the midday sun, talking to each other. On the one side, I noticed two old man with a chess board. That’s what I like such a lot about Vienna, everybody seems to be such relaxed, nobody cares about time. Well at least it seems.
What Vienna famous is for? Let me remember what I have read on the flight while Syd and Broots were asleep? It’s famous for the “Kaffeehäuser”, like we’d say coffee shops and really you have one of it at every corner, well then for “Mozartkugeln” – something sweet I don’t like a lot. It’s made of chocolate and marzipan and seems to melt in your mouth. Then they love sitting outside in parks a lot, that’s what we like too I guess, they are famous for their old buildings – and I have just seen a few of them, let me remember those. I saw Belvedere Castle with its wonderful gardens, the botanic garden, and the state opera near the hotel. I love the state opera; it’s so different from what I’d seen before. Somehow it’s similar to other typical European buildings but well it’s different at all. I also saw “Stefanskirche “ or as the man said to me “Saint Stefan’s Cathedral”. It’s much more a cathedral than any American I have seen. It’s a mix of styles. Yes I have made a small shopping walk through the city, and yes the city is pretty small, the centre at least. Thanks to god that I haven't forgotten all my German and pronunciation during the years. It’s a little Gothic and then a little Romanic. Inside it reminds me to of Canterville, the simple way, the high church house, the three ships. Sure Anglican Churches were different, but this one was something special to me. I couldn’t resist heading to a side altar, where people lit candles. It seems to me like there would be a sea of burning candles. So I lit one too, for Mamma. I knelt down for a silent prayer and added:
“I want to swear Mamma, that I will try not to hurt Jarod today. I’ll try to understand him; try to think about what he says. Please god, I am not a very catholic person, but please, let me once remember this oath in the minute I need it.” I finished, made a cross on my chest, like everybody does here and stood up.
Suddenly I saw a bright light coming through one of the windows and a voice was speaking to me. I felt like I would freeze and time with me.
“He’ll always be there for you. He never wanted to see you cry. You’ve been strong through the years, but now come home child, come home my little girl and show him the girl you’ve once been. He will not judge over things you have done or said towards him during the last years, nor will he do anything towards you, nothing you don’t want him to do. Be yourself my little darling, be the girl I remember and not the woman you’ve been changed into. Be the little girl who loved Mr. Spooky so much that you gave him to Jarod, so that he would be able to cuddle with somebody in bed. The little girl who was able to smile and laugh innocently. The girl I loved so dearly.” I stood there, looking into the light. I wasn’t sure but it seemed to me like I’d see mum in there, her beautiful dark hair open and playing childish around her face, her remarkable eyes with this smile in them and not to forget the big smile on her face, which always lightened my day up when I saw it.
Suddenly an old woman grabbed me before she nearly fell to the floor. This ripped me out of my dream or whatever it was. I caught her just in the right moment.
“Entschuldigung” she said to me and I smiled at her. “Sie verstehen mich nicht oder?” she asked me, but I was just smiling at her.
“Ich verstehe sie, aber mein Deutsch ist nicht mehr das Beste. Es ist lange her dass ich es gesprochen habe.“
„Sie sind Amerikanerin?“ she asked me and I nodded in agreement, my accent seemed noticeable .
“Es ist gut zu wissen dass auch junge Leute noch an Gott glauben, es ist doch so selten geworden, dass man ein junges Gesicht in den altern Mauern hier sieht“ she said and I nodded in agreement.
It really had been a long time since I have been in church or even said a prayer for anybody. I had lost the rest of my faith with Thomas death. If a god had have been there, nothing would have happened because he’d warned him or something like that.
I said goodbye to the old lady and she said that she’ll enclose me to her prayers and I thanked her for it and went out of the church.
Was it really my mother?
So I was walking through the castle park now, thinking about the day. Many things have happened since we landed. I totally had forgotten- I smiled about the thought - to tell Syd and Broots where I went to. It was good this way because if Jarod would really show up, I would want him alone, not to share him with my freaks.
Within a couple of minute I was standing at the “entry” of the labyrinth. There were a couple of ways going from where I was standing. Some kids were playing around my feet and I needed to watch where I was stepping.
A woman with a baby on her arm was sitting near by to watch the children when the blanket fell from her knee. It was like a mutual reflex to pic it up. I went towards her, knelt down and picked it up. It was a soft and cosy light blue baby blanket. The woman just smiled at me and thanked but her baby started to cry again and she started to nurse, so it was time for me to leave without words.
I guessed that I remembered the right way would be number four, but I was wrong when I headed through it for about ten minutes. So I went back, which wasn’t that easy at all. Where was my photographic memory? So I was standing at the entry again and thinking.
“Drei” the little boy next to me whispered and I got down at his height.
“Was hast du gesagt?” I asked and he put three little fingers up to let me know that I should try three.
“Danke” I said and smiled at the boy. He was cute. A little three year old with blond curls and big blue eyes. Sooner than his mother might think he’ll be breaking the girls’ heart.
I turned around again to see four or five kids in a circle, hand in hand singing:
“Ringl, ringl reia, simma unsa dreia, simma unterm Hollabusch, machen alle husch husch husch” they sang and giggled.
A child’s rhythm, how long was it since I have heard such a line? Long, that’s sure.
I went into the three and really it was the right way. I managed to remember the right crossings, the right corners to look at and finally I stood in the middle of it where a small table was standing, decorated with fine porcelain dishes, wine glasses and a bottle of white wine was standing in the cooler. Cheese and vines were served on a separate dish, near some bread.
“You made it” I heard a whisper from behind which let me shudder. It was him, really him, standing behind me. God bless my soul if this wasn’t one of the most erotic acts I have ever been in – a little whisper and I was melting, aroused from just the voice and the breath which hit my neck.
I couldn’t turn around to let him see my dilated pupils. And I didn’t need to because he made his way around me, sitting down at the one side of the table.
“If I remember your habits well, you haven't eaten Lunch yet. Have you?”
“No Jarod but how can you be sure that I haven't brought somebody with me?” I asked and sat down on the other side.
”I know you. I knew that if you would come and find me, you would come alone.”
”Why?” I nearly whispered.
“I know you well Parker remember this” he said and smiled. He looked great. He wasn’t wearing the usual black, instead he wore a dark green polo shirt and beige trousers, and over his shoulders was a wool pullover in dark red. God he was just looking more than handsome.
“You look good” he said while he but a vine in his mouth. “Some wine?” he asked me and I nodded.
“Thanks, you don’t look that bad either.”
“Oh and that’s out of Ms. Parker’s mouth –I can't believe that I heard it.”
“I am not Ms Parker today, I am …”
“Lilly” he said with a deep breath. His eyes had found mine. If it would be possible I would be a puddle, melted to the floor.
“Yes Lilly, call me Lilly please.”
“Am I right that nobody has called …”
”Yes since mum is dead.”
We both nodded and sipped at the wine. Many things were going through my head now and one of the main things was which type of wine it is. I was not sure yet, maybe a Zierpfandler, because it tasted somehow like strawberry and quince but it could also be any other erotic fruit. Sure it was a light wine, with a pleasant acidity.
“You like the wine?” he asked me with a smile on his lips.
“Sure it’s a good one. Which type?” I asked shyly.
“Oh I thought you’ve guessed. It’s a Zierpfandler 2001 I guess” he turned the bottle a little, “yes 2001. I bought it from a friend of mine, from a small town near Vienna called Gumpoldskirchen or something like that. He’s a great old guy, good with wines. This is one of his, well now his son in law.”
“Tell him that it’s a very good wine, fresh and light, and not too sweet but full of fruit.” I said and smiled at him. Stop smiling, I said myself but somehow it wasn’t working. He really made me smile all the time.
“So why am I here Jarod?”
“I wanted to see you.”
“I thought you can see me all the time, but I am too stupid to turn around the right way?”
“As much as I love your butt Lilly, I can't always stare it. I like the front too.”
I wasn’t able to agree or disagree, hit him or not for this statement. He was smiling, damned it. He knew that I can't be angry with him, never could.
I ate some vines and we just sitting there, no word was said, no eye to eye contact. Suddenly it started to get darker.
“Let’s head back Parker, I think it will start to rain soon.”
I didn’t said a thing, only stood up, helped him to put the things back together into the basket and we went, nearly ran back through the labyrinth. Thanks to god that he had a photographic memory, because the moment we were out of it, it started to rain. Somehow it seems like somebody would really want to get me wet to my skin. Jarod lead me to a small house near the labyrinth but it was too late, I was soaked to my skin.
“I am sorry Parker” he said and tried not to stare at me.
“Lilly, Jarod it’s Lilly.” Jarod just nodded and turned around, at this moment I noticed that the linen didn’t let me look very decent.
“It’s nothing you haven't seen before Jarod. Or? So turn around and be a man.” I joked. He opened the door and we stepped in. The house was only rarely furnished, just a bed, a small oven, two chairs and a table, some curtains and a cupboard. That was it till I noticed the iron case on the table. It was Jarod’s “cottage”.
“Sit down and make you comfortable. I’ll get you a decent shirt to change. It will cool down fast, so maybe …. I’ll turn on the heater and you can hang your skirt and the jacket over it. Okay?” I nodded.
I wasn’t really embarrassed, which was untypical me, especially if it was about Jarod. Normally I would scream at him, hitting him, calling him bad names but somehow it didn’t feel right today. I just wanted to get out of these wet cloths.
While he was opening the cupboard I had unbuttoned my jacked and hanged it over a chair than I unzipped my skirt and put it over the other one. I was standing there with an innocent look, for sure, just in my underwear, waiting for him to turn around. And so he did. Shortly he stared at me, starting from my eyes he let his eyes wander slowly down neck, over the soft white straps of my bra, the beginning of the lace, my dark erected nipples which were obviously showing in their best way through the lace – there he stopped slowly – but then his eyes trailed down my belly over my belly button, my French cut lace panties and finally over my long legs and my high heels. I really could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t seem to care. I haven't a clue what happened to me. The normal Parker would have killed him for this.
But Jarod was standing there, innocently with a shirt in his hands. Slowly he turned around and grabbed a pair of cotton boxer shorts and handed me both. Then he turned around again to give me some room to change but I didn’t want that. I wanted his eyes on me.
”You can watch Jarod; there is nothing new for you here. I am a woman like every other too.” I whispered. When did my voice went this husky?
“Sure you are.” he whispered. He wasn’t able to look straight into my face. God this boy was even shy! Cute that was really cute. He may be a complete man in all ways but inside he was still this shy boy who hasn’t yet asked a girl out for the homecoming.
“And why are you afraid to watch then?” I asked him and went a step towards this handsome guy with my shirt in his hands.
But he didn’t answer me. Jarod stood, there like frozen, staring at the floor.
With another step I was standing in front of him, only some inches away, his breath was already touching my neck.
“Why are you afraid, Jarod? I am a woman like every other too.” I said letting my hands trail to my back where I started slowly to unhook my bra. I let the straps glide their way down my shoulders and stood there with one arm over my chest to hold the rest of my bra in place. “And I look like every other woman you’ve seen too.” I said and let one hand glide southwards and the bra fall to the floor where his eyes were staring at. My two palms were hiding my already aroused nipples. “Do you think you could look at me like you looked at all those other women?” I asked him.
He was still staring at the floor, shyly. “Jarod I won’t bite you or say something. I just want you to look at me and tell me what you see!”
Suddenly he lifted his head and stared into my eyes, not even noticing my nearly exposed chest.
“I see you Parker, a nice looking woman with amazing eyes which are able to kill.” Jarod said coldly.
Fuck – nice is the worst word I can even think of. Within a minute I had picked up my bra, stepped back into my wet skirt and jacket with clenched to my body, opened the door and headed back into the cold April rain.
I can't believe it that he has thought “nice” to me. This was the worst thing a man could say. I mean you look great, is already something strange and a woman should think twice about it but just “nice” was fucking horrible. How could he? How could he lead me to this nice labyrinth, play with me like that and finally not even look at me in any other way than professional?
It was raining and I already felt my toes getting wet through the light shoes. I stepped out of them and took them in my hand. I ran and ran and ran. There was nobody in sight, nobody. So many tourists had been here when I came, but now, as it was raining, they were all gone for good. I didn’t want to go back to the hotel, to maybe run into the freaks so that they could ask me questions. No way to go back now.
I ran across the big park to the other side. This seemed to be a labyrinth of its own. There were trees and bushes cut in different animal forms but the zoo was into the other direction. There were smaller ones which looked like towers. Somehow I felt like Alice in Wonderland.
I didn’t stop; I ran and ran and ran till I wasn’t able to breathe anymore. It was getting colder now and I was freezing and shuddering like a small animal which was forgotten in the rain.
Without thinking a lot, I sat down on a bench, near a small fountain which was flooding because of the rain. I leaned back and closed my eyes.
ef
“Don’t move” I heard a voice whispering towards me. So I didn’t move, not even dare to open my eyes yet.
I felt like I was laying somewhere, maybe a bed.
I felt something warm and dry around me, maybe a blanket and a t-shirt.
I felt somebody sit down next to me.
“How could you be so stupid?” a familiar voice said.
Slowly I opened my eyes and Jarod was sitting on the bed next to me. Jarod? I freaked and wanted to get out of this darn bed.
“Let me go” I protested till my memory came back. I had been running trough the rain. Oh yes he had told me that I have a nice body. God this man … He pressed me back to bed, his hands on my shoulders.
“You will stay in there. You’ve been out for nearly one day now and you have a fever. You stay in bed as long as the temperature is that high, at least.”
“I have to go” I mumbled before I fell back to sleep.
ef
Somebody was shaking me. This was the moment I opened my eyes and saw him again, bent over me to press his lips against my forehead.
“You are still hot!” he mumbled and smiled down at me. I was in another t-shirt of his, something grey instead of white.
“How long?”, where the only words I was able to ask.
“A little over four days now.”
I tried to get out of the bed but he pressed me back and smiled down, like before, “Stay calm Parker, you nearly died because of pneumonia. Why were you so …” he tried to say, but I ignored him because I remembered the reason very well. He’d been the reason. Shit. Why does this man always want to take care of me?
I tried again to get out of bed.
“You’ll stay in there or I cuff you against the bed.”
“Just in your dreams Jarod, just in your dreams”, I mumbled.
God I have been standing there nearly naked in front of him and he not even tried to make a step towards me, he’d looked away. I really got a little to slim over the years! When I was younger I’d some flesh on my body but all the training, coffee and cigarettes, and then my ulcer made this woman out of me. I’ve created this woman.
“I want to eat something Jarod I am hungry.”
“I bet you are hungry, you’ve slept for such a long time and I was only able to get water into your mouth.”
Within a couple of minutes he brought me some soup and a hot and steamy coffee. I looked around the room and saw a small blanket on the floor next to my bed, and a pillow neatly on it. God he’d really slept on the floor because of me?
“So tell me now why did you ran out into the rain?” he sat down next to me while I tried to get some soup into my mouth, but my hands were shaking. So he grabbed the spoon and started to feed me with the comment, “I don’t want to see all the soup on the fresh sheets”.
I let him do so because it was the only way not to answer his question.
But the minute I’d finished eating, he questioned me again.
“Why Parker, give me one good reason!” he said.
“Nothing” was my only statement and I shook my head in embarrassment.
“There is something Parker and we both know that. Just tell me what I did, or what I said to make you so upset.”
“Like I said, there is nothing, I just went crazy and wanted to be alone.” I lied, more or less because somehow he was right, and he had said something.
“No Parker, don’t lie to me!” he nearly yelled at me, standing near the window, just staring at me.
What should I do now? Tell him that I thought that he’d be sexually interested in me, that he would like to take me till my teeth rattle? And that I had imagined how it would be to wake up in his arms, or pressed against his muscular chest? No, I can't do that!
“I remembered something, that’s it, nothing special, just something.” I lied “And I don’t want to talk about it!”
“But we’ll need to talk about it.”
“No! Jarod don’t do this to me. Just let me live my life, okay? Is this to much to ask for?”
“No it isn’t Parker but you also live my life, that’s why I am allowed to ask.”
Jarod was still standing by the window and from the bed; it looked like it would still be raining outside. The cottage was small and it would get impossible to live near each other within a day.
“Let me get back to my hotel and everything will be fine again. We’ll forget what happened and that’s it.” I said and started to rise from the bed.
“We can't go back to where we’ve been. I don’t want to go back to where we’ve been when you came to Vienna. “
Jarod slowly went to the table and grabbed a book and came back with it and sat down on the bed next to me, laying the book into my lap. Then he sat back onto the bed till his back leaned against the wall.
I don’t know why I did the following move but I did it, I moved back so that I was sitting between his tights, my back pressed against his chest and my head snuggled under his chin.
With another move the warm blanket was over my bare legs and I felt his breath hard against my neck when I moved a little to get into a more comfortable position.
“Look at it” He just said.
It made my nervous not to see his face when he was talking to me.
It made me nervous to feel his ribcage getting up and down with his breathing.
It made me nervous to feel his hands near my body.
It made me nervous to smell him.
And, it made me nervous to feel his hot body pressed against mine.
I took a deep breath through and his scent filled my nose. I thought that I would get unconscious within the next couple of seconds but instead I felt the increasing heat between my legs and this tingle which hadn’t been there before. God!
Slowly I opened the book, inside I noticed that I had once given it to him because he hadn’t known anything about romance and this book was a romance novel. I’ve loved Jane Austen when I was young, and I still like her works.
I remember that he’d read “Pride and Prejudice” within a night and for weeks he just spoke of the Bennet daughters. Sydney once had asked what “his” boy was talking about and I just smiled at Jarod and said that I haven't a clue.
So I’d the book open and the moment I turned the next page, I nearly jumped off the bed. There was a picture in it, a picture of us. God tell me when this one was taken?!
It showed us two, sitting on his bed. His head was near mind. God it had been the moment he’d made me this hickey I had to hide for nearly a week. We’ve been something about 13 when this had happened; I’ve been something about 13. He’d congratulated me to my birthday I guess or something like that, well it had been the day he’d kissed me the second time and more demanding.
We weren’t kids anymore but also far away from being adults. So we shared this kiss and after the kiss he’d suckled on my neck and sure, he didn’t know that from Jane Austen!
“Where do you have this one from?” I asked him shyly, not turning my head towards him.
“Remember they filmed everything! Do you really think that they hadn’t known what was going on in the bedroom? It was the only reason why I stopped you there at the Centre.”
“And why do you stop me now?”
“What are you talking about Parker?”
“I asked you why you haven't made a move on me when it was possible!” I asked.
“Because times have changed.” he said quickly. And tears were straining up my eyes. I pressed my back a little more into his chest, let my head fall so that my chin was hitting my breast bone and cried, cried in silence as so often during the last years.
I didn’t make a sound, didn’t breath harder or sobbed, no, I just cried. I sat there and there was the absolute silence till I saw a small brown mouse running through the room. I didn’t say a word; just let my eyes follow here.
Jarod was feeding here because on the floor near the oven a small piece of cheese was laying. Typical, it was Jarod; he even cared for the mouse.
The moment I let my head rest again under his chin, I felt his arms around my waist.
“Times have changed Parker and with them many other things, but never let never anybody say that I don’t like you, that you don’t mean a lot for me.
“But… But I don’t mean everything to you.” I whispered.
He didn’t say a word. We were sitting there in silence for something that seemed like eternity.
***
The next time I opened my eyes I noticed that he was laying next to me under the bed. It seemed like we’ve just fallen to our side from the last time I remember. Jarod was asleep next to me, my head pressed against his chest, his arm around me to hold me in place. Cute, really cute! His breathing was steady, so he was still asleep. I laid still, my hand trailing over the buttons of the flannel shirt, I really wonder where he’d cotton this ugly peace from. It was black and pink and it really made my eyes ache.
Suddenly I felt something move under me, but he didn’t wake up, he just turned around so that his head was resting on my breast, one hand around my waist. It felt like he would be afraid that I would run away. I tried to relax and breathe steady but it was impossible and got even more impossible when he laid one of his legs over mine and I felt his morning erection pressed into my hip. Jesus, God help me!
Maybe I just went back to sleep or not but the next moment I somehow remembered was that my lips where near Jarod’s neck and his hand under my t-shirt, firmly pressed against my breast.
“Hm …” Moaning, god I was really moaning under his touch and he wasn’t really doing anything yet, just letting his hand rest on my breast, his thumb on my nipple which just adjusted to his touch, just hardened.
And then he woke up. Jarod just stared into my eyes without saying a word to me, just laying there and staring into my eyes. It took him a couple of seconds till he’d moved the shirt high enough to taste my breasts.
If I hadn’t realised when I was younger that his lips are so soft. They were perfect there, soft, wet and with the right pressure. Within another second he had my nipple in his mouth and was sucking it.
I wouldn’t be able to describe this feeling if there were words for, because it was sensational, breathtaking and everything else.
My eyes closed and I needed to breath through my opened mouth. I started to moan and the wetness between my legs increased. I need something there, somebody, somebody’s’ fingers, tongue or whatever.
But Jarod didn’t need a hint. He pulled my, his, the shorts I were wearing down to my knees and started to kiss the way down from my breasts, over my ribcage, belly and belly button, over my hipbone towards my pubic hair. God save me, but I’d be able to die as a happy woman if a flash would hit me now.
He got there, his full body laid between my legs and I? I couldn’t stop moaning. God this man was talented and this tongue! It took him about three minutes and just his tongue to let me come and I never had come like that before, and never screamed his name.
We didn’t need words or long looks. I grabbed the hem of his ugly flannel shirt and got it over his head while he got me completely out of mine. The next step he freed me of my panties and I didn’t need to help him out, I just watched.
I think I have never watched a man before that instant. Normally I wasn’t even able to watch because they were naked before I even had been able to step into my bedroom. But this was different and Jarod wasn’t an ordinary man. He was Jarod.
“You really want this Lilly?” he asked me and I nodded. “Because if you aren’t sure we should stop now.” he said and I smiled at him.
“You know Jarod that I want this, I want it for a long time.”
Suddenly he started to kiss me, this was unexpected. Kissing was unexpected for me. Normally there is a fuck and that’s it, no kissing and especially not on the mouth.
But he did so, started just pressing his lips against mine, letting his chest brush my now sensitive breasts, erected nipples and his hips bones crush mine, softly in a loving way. This pressing started to get a little more mouth open like, till our mouths were both open; slowly he started to outline my lips.
“Do you love me?” I asked shyly between all that and Jarod didn’t respond. I just realised it and put my hand against his chest. “Stop it Jarod.” I said more demanding.
“What’s it Parker? I thought you want this?” he said.
“I asked you a question – do you love me?”
“Why do you want to know that now?” he said directly. Jarod sat up and within this move I laid naked in front of him, our blanket behind his back.
“Because I need to know it,” I pushed some strains of hair out of my face “I need to know it Jarod and I need to know it now!”
But Jarod was just sitting there, sitting there and staring at me. I felt naked and uncomfortable but I couldn’t show it, I didn’t allow me to show it.
“Why?” he asked me and stared at me with these remarkable chocolate coloured eyes.
“It’s important for me to know it Jarod. Please don’t ask me anymore, just answer my question.”
And in this moment he leaned down and kissed me on my mouth.
“Maybe I love you,” he whispered “maybe not, but I want you and I need you.”
“It isn’t enough” I said huskily.
“Why not? Where is the difference with all those others guys who slept with you?"
“Like I said Jarod, I needed the answer and I got it, not let me go.” I said. Tears where really coming up my eyes and I wanted to hide them and wanted to hide my body. But his weight pressed me further into the mattress.
“Tell me you don’t like that” he said and the next thing I felt was his mouth over my right nipples, sucking, enveloping it with his hot wet lips, teasing it with his tongue. I bite myself not to moan out loud. Why does my body has to betray me in situations like that? Could somebody please let me know it!
I said nothing and he continued to torture me. His lips were still closed around my nipple and he was suckling like a baby would do and no other man had ever done before. But hand was going its own way, down my belly and between my legs.
I was already more than wet; I could already imagine the wet spot on the blanket under me. Jarod? Jarod didn’t care and he had an easy game because of my darn body which betrayed me like hell. I mean I didn’t want to spread my legs, but my body did so. And I didn’t want to feel his fingers inside me and his thumb against my throbbing bundle of nerves but my body was aching for it.
“Tell me again that you don’t like it.” he said and lowered his body between my spread tights. I could feel his erection already pressing towards my centre.
“Tell me you don’t want this to happen.” he said again when the tip of his erection touched me where I needed him most.
“Fuck Jarod I want this to happen and I need it. Okay? But the fact is that there are other things I always thought of … things I never thought that they would happen like this one … and then there are things that never should have happened …. and well …there are …”
“Spill it out Parker, just spill it out.”
Okay this isn’t working, shit. Why always me god?
“I thought that it would be different with you.” I took a pregnant break, “I thought that you would love me ‘Lilly’ and not just Ms. Parker’s body.”
Jarod didn’t say a word. He sat up and stared at me while silent tears were running down my already blushed cheeks.
I tried to turn away but I couldn’t. I had to face this situation, face it, see that it was so senseless to flee. I’d get me whatever I do, where ever I would hide. Even if it would be deep in my soul, Jarod would be able to grab this part out of me, to show me what I have done, or said. He would face me again and again with it, even if he didn’t intend to do so.
I heard this voice inside me singing this melody of a song ‘I’m just a lost soul, looking for a home’. This brought me back to reality.
“Look Jarod, we could sleep together now and afterwards do like nothing has happened okay? It would work well; you just have to tell me. Or I get into my dry cloth and head away and we’ll forget THIS has ever happened. Face it and tell me what you want.”
He smiled at me and this smile even hurt more.
“I want you Lilly! I don’t want your body; I don’t want to ‘fuck’ you. I want the little girl, the growing woman I have kissed when the photo was taken.”
“We can't do it; we really can't do it Jarod. I can't do it. Its not the right moment, its … I can't do it okay?
I tried to get out of the bed and he let me, he really didn’t make an attempt to stop me now. He sat there, naked like God has made him, watching me. I got clothed and sat back on the bed.
“I am frustrated, yes Jarod that’s true, even if you’ve never imagined it. And I really would want this to happen, I did over years. But not like that! It can't happen like that. I haven't been with a man in ages, I mean really been. There has been the one or other but nothing which could be compared to what we have, to what we’ve had.” I said. I couldn’t look into his eyes but I felt him breaking apart. Maybe he understood me now, maybe not. I couldn’t tell.
I placed a tender kiss on his cheek and hugged him a last time. “But remember it Jarod, I really love you and nobody can ever destroy it.”
These were my last words before I left the cottage and headed, in silence, back to my hotel.
***
Just the moment I opened the door to my room I heard Broots “God, Ms Parker where have you been. We’ve thought ….”
“Broots” I said and smiled at him, the first time ever? “I just had to do some things and think over others. Nothing has happened to me and I am fine. Thanks for your concern.”
That’s what I told Broots and headed into my room, took a shower, changed into my silk pyjamas and went to bed.
*** a month later ***
We’ve went back home from Vienna about a week after all that happened. I had written a lot down into my online diary at an Online Cafe. I didn’t want to use my personal diary for such intimate things because I could be sure that somebody would read it. This online diary was mine, my personal small diary.
My job went the way it always did, around the country in 24 hours. It was May now and even in Blue Cove summer started. The days got longer and the nights shorter, it was sunny most of the time and rain got more seldom. The sea got a little calmer and wasn’t playing that wild against the shore anymore.
At the moment I walked along the beach, my sandals in my hand. Don’t ask me how I was able to have this time but somehow it was possible at the moment.
I was wearing one of mum’s flower printed dresses which played around my ankles and a soft cotton jacket over my shoulders.
“Stop” I heard a voice behind me and I froze. I didn’t dare to turn around. Nobody knew that I was making a walk here, nobody.
“Stay like this,” I heard his voice whisper, “I love the way your hair plays in the sea wind.”
Jarod! God, thanks he is doing well. I haven't seen or heard from him since Vienna.
I stood there as he asked and didn’t move.
“I like the way this dress hugs your curves”, he whispered and pressed his lips against my neck, while his hands had found their way around my waist.
My eyes went down to the sand, staring at my sandy toes.
“I’ve missed you” I mumbled like in trance when I felt his body pressing against mine.
“I hope you” he answered and let his head rest on my shoulder, his lips against my neck and his arms against my belly. I could feel is smile against me.
I don’t know how long we stood there, but suddenly a higher wave came and got up to my knees and I nearly fell down, if Jarod wouldn’t have caught me.
“Hey, Hey Parker you can't ….” this moment our eyes found each other. He was holding me, one hand around my hip. God these eyes, as dark brown as chocolate. I could dive into them. God help me please before I get lost.
The next moment his lips were against mine, he was humming something I couldn’t understand between this kiss. Our mouth opened, screaming for air, when our tongues met in the middle. “I love you” he whispered in between. These few words only got me a little braver and I let my hands wander about his muscular and hairy chest.
“I love you” he said again a little louder.
“Ditto, Jarod, ditto.” was my answer and I smiled at him.
Together we went out of the water and started to kiss.
“Let’s go back to the house Jarod; I am getting to old for plays in the sand. And at all I hate it to have sand everywhere.”
“I didn’t say that you would have sand everywhere.” he grinned and put an arm around my shoulder when we slowly walked back to my house.
The sky was in a dark shade of red and it was time for the sun to go down. Jarod and I were sitting on a small wooden bench on my porch and remembered the day I told him about the different shades of red.
“I really love you Lilly, I ever did.” he said and snuggled a little closer towards me.
“Me too, Jarod. But let’s forget Vienna, okay?”
With a smile he stood in front of me and led me upstairs to my bedroom. His big hands started to unbutton the small pearl buttons of my dress.
“I can't forget it Lilly, I can't forget that I haven't told you that I deeply love you, that I am in love with you, when you lay naked under me, crying.”
“Please” Jarod I begged him to stop talking.
“I can't understand how I couldn’t be honest with you and myself.” he said and stared to kiss my collarbone when the dress fell down to the floor. I was wearing dark red lace underwear, the colour of the sundown.
Slowly I sat down on the bed, letting him kneel between my legs. My eyes were closed and his hands nearly were too much sensation for my body. His palms rested on my upper tights and his face was pressed against my belly.
“I really love you Lilly, I do much more than just love you. We don’t have to sleep with each other if you think that I am not right. But I really love you, forever.”
To hear these words nearly broke my heart. He was honest, I knew.
I helped him to unbutton the jeans and get him out of the black Armani shirt which fit him so perfectly.
“You’ve an amazing body” I whispered into his ear when we were both lying on the bed, his weight resting on his elbows beside my shoulders, we were nose to nose.
“I want this Lilly and if you want to stop, tell me now or there won’t be ….”
“I want this too Jarod, don’t be afraid.” I said with a smile and touched his heatedly member – big, hot and hard as granite. I was still able to do this to men even after all those years.
There wasn’t a lot of foreplay involved – aren’t more than 30 years of foreplay enough to finally let it happen? We’ve danced around each other as kids and they made us dance around each other like wolf and sheep but hell, we’ve always known that these weren’t the right rules for us.
He entered me and waiting for me to open my eyes. I needed a little time to adjust and he knew it. Jarod didn’t need words from me to know it. He already had noticed that he was a big boy. He started to kiss me, letting our tongues fight. Within this he started to move, softly in the beginning till I told him that he should go faster, till I screamed to go harder.
I have had sex before but this was different. We didn’t need words to see what the other one wanted. I didn’t need to hear that he loves me when he came inside me because I already knew it. He didn’t need to hear that I want being hold afterwards and that I like to cuddle, and prefer no bed talk.
This was me, the person he knew.
****
A voice got me out of sleep. I heard a voice but suddenly it was away again so I thought that I just have had a dream. I snuggled a little more into Jarrod’s chest, pressed myself more into him and let his fingers dance over my hip.
Suddenly the bedroom door opened and Broots was standing there. “Parker” I’ve heard him calling when he entered.
“Shit” he said and turned around on his heels and left my bedroom.
“Shit” was the only word I found to say. Jarod was wide awake by now. “Stop Broots don’t run away now” I said and grabbed my robe from near my bed.
Broots had turned around, not facing me.
“Sorry Ms Parker I thought something might have happened. I’ve called all morning and nobody picked up, so I came and nobody opened the door. I was afraid.”
“Look Broots, nothing has happened okay? You couldn’t know it!”
He nodded in embarrassment. Jarod had buttoned his jeans and stood next to Broots; put a hand on the man’s shoulder.
“It could have been worse” he joked and grinned at Broots. “Let’s have a big breakfast. Do you like animal pancakes?” Jarod asked.
THE END
Lyrics: www.songlyrics.co.nz/lyrics/b/bonjovi/heartsbreaking.htm
Response to: Tiffany’s February List challenge
Rating: Hey, it’s me, guess …
Hearts Breaking Even
„Shut up Broots! Go with Sydney, I am old enough to head up to the church on my own!” I shouted and went away from them.
The sun was shining down warm. I should buy some spring clothing when I am back at my hotel room, before I head upstairs. My pair of black trousers is too warm for this weather, absolutely. I’ve not thought that it can get that warm in early April in Vienna, never.
I am even able to smell the different flowers – tulips, iris and daffodils. It was really going to be summer soon. I have once been in Vienna before, but during this journey I was just able to visit all those important discos and some monuments. Just some short views on the major hall and the Schönbrunn castle, things I thought my dad would like to see pictures of, but he never did.
We’ve had a lead on Jarod which brought us, Sydney, Broots and me, to Austria. The flight was nearly a catastrophe because Broots got sick. Thanks to the crew, I didn’t sit next to him during all the flight. He got a seat near the toilets. Syd said that he wasn’t alright back home, so maybe I should have asked him first, before booking the flights, maybe. But hell, I am the boss over here, so he has to do what I want.
So, here we are now, in the botanic garden of Vienna. It’s not as big as the one I visited in Moscow, but it’s different too. For example there isn’t any entry to pay, and it’s much warmer than it was in Russia. It’s getting pretty warm in my sweater.
Syd and Broots are searching for Jarod on the left side of the garden and me on the right, the one which seems to be near the castle. I asked the taxi driver how it is called. He grinned and said that it’s “Belvedere”.
At this time, I started to remember that it was built by a prince called Eugene of Savoy, which helped the Austrians against the Turkish during one of the two battles. I can't remember which it was, but I read this in a book about Austrian history when I was at Boarding School in Italy. But it was a long time ago and I forgot a many things during the years.
Broots had found the lead on Jarod, or maybe it was just a trick of my rat boy, I am not sure. Maybe he is still in Delaware who can know? But we are here now and I have the feeling that he is very close to us, maybe just a few days and we’ll have him.
I try to concentrate on the people who are studying the flowers in the garden. I read at the entry, when I was waiting for Broots and Syd that it’s a part of the University. They are mostly students. The park is full of young people, younger than me but on the benches, there are especially old couples or mothers with their children.
I decided to stop at the small fountain, to watch the people a little, drink some water, and get rid of my sweater. Under it I was wearing a soft white linen blouse, matching my underwear. I really need to buy some lighter cloths. I’ll die in these black jeans of mine if I have to wear them every day, if the heat persists.
I saw a young mother, maybe aged 18 or 19, not sure, with her baby. She was nursing him, while a two years old was playing with stones in front of her. She was looking relaxed and calm, smiling at her baby.
On another bench, I saw an old couple, in the mid seventieth. The man with white hair was talking to his wife. They laughed at something he said and were holding hands.
Will I ever be able to sit somewhere with a baby in my arm or just with the man of my life, arm in arm, for an hour without being disturbed, without being afraid of being caught? I guess no. It would be a miracle.
I could see Broots and Sydney trough the trees and bushes. They were talking to each other. I wasn’t even able to talk to Syd in the same way as Broots does normally. I’m hidden, always, hidden inside myself.
Slowly I went up to the church, a small catholic church which was held by nuns. We’d decided to meet up there, because I wanted to talk to the priest. He was the connection we had with Jarod. By the botanic garden, the entry of the church goes through the playground of the catholic kindergarten.
I knocked twice and a nun opened me the small door. She looked friendly and smiled at me.
“Was kann ich für Sie tun?”, she asked me and I tried to collected the few German I remembered and figured out that she may have asked me if she can help me in any way.
“I want to talk to Father Paul”, I said and smiled at her.
“Oh, yeah right”, she said, “you have to be Ms. Parker. Come with me I will lead you to him.”
Slowly I went through the garden, watching my feet and trying not to see those happy children playing in their sandbox. They giggled and did other typical children like stuff, like all kids do.
“Father Paul, this is Miss Parker.”, the nun introduced me. In front of me was a young man sitting, maybe in his early forties. He was wearing black jeans and a grey polo. His hair was short, he was tall and slim, and he was wearing thin glasses.
“It’s an honour to meet you Miss Parker.”, he said in broken English.
“I hope Jarod has told you something nice of me too.” I answered with a grin and we shook hands. Father Paul smiled back.
“Let’s go for a little walk. Okay?”
“Sure, whatever you want.” I mumbled.
I couldn’t believe it but it was the first time in ages that I felt comfortable around a priest, the first time since Mum died.
“You aren’t Austrian, aren’t you Father Paul?” I asked shyly. I have never been good in talking with priests.
“You are right Miss Parker, I am Slovakian, but please call me just Paul. Father makes me feel like I am already as old as the Pope.”
We both laughed. The man really laughed with me.
“You know, as good as I do that Jarod and I met. I figured it out long ago, that it was important for him, that I will tell you everything.”
“You imagined it out? Jarod is normally an open book …”
“No, Ms Parker he’s a very shy little boy if you know him like I know him. He gave me something for you, but I am not sure that you’ll be comfortable with it. He told me that you two have a very complicated relationship. This present seems to be rather personal. He has told me what it is, I haven't looked at it. It’s yours. I have it stored under my bed in my room.”
We sat down on a small bench near the water fountain, the one where I paused on my way up.
“The water is pretty fine and you seem to sweat a little. Do you want some?” I just nodded.
From an old woman near the fountain, the got a glass. She seemed to sell them or hand them out. And he brought me the glass of water.
I remember the time in Italy when I was able to drink the water from the pipes, pretty good water directly from the Alps. But this time is long ago. I read that they sprinkle their plants with this great water, and this was pretty good. It didn’t smell and tasted perfectly. I really let it run through my mouth, from one side to the other.
We did some small talk before we went up to his room. Paul’s room wasn’t too small but far away from being pretty big, maybe as big as my bedroom. I was standing in the door frame and really felt uncomfortable to stand in a priest’s private room. He knelt down and pulled a box out from under the bed.
“This it is. Open it at home, alone. I won’t tell you what’s inside, but be sure that nobody sees it. I don’t want you to be humiliated.” He smiled at me with a soft red flush over his pale cheeks. “I wish you some nice days here in Vienna, Ms Parker and take care of yourself.”
Outside of the church I met Broots and Syd again, talking about the sense behind being religious. I knew that Sydney was religious, catholic, but never thought about Broots this way.
“And news?” Syd asked me and pointed to the box.
“No, this is just something from Father Paul. I shall take care of it.” I lied, “I am tired boys, let’s call it a day.”
“Sure, what ever will please you” Broots said with a grin on his lips.
I couldn’t wait to get into my room to open it. The box wasn’t big, and Paul gave me a bag for it, so that nobody was able to see the red tissue paper in which it was wrapped. What could it be?
ef
Finally I was alone in room, fresh out of the shower. My hair was still damp and honestly I was tired as hell. This day hasn’t been as I expected, not as I’d expected Vienna to be in spring.
I was wearing my robe. The door of the adjoining room, where Sydney and Broots were, was locked. Whatever Jarod wanted to give me, I don’t want one of those two freaks to see it.
I sat down on the bed, next to the box. Well it seemed to me that it was time to open it and see what my personal freak got me.
Slowly I let the loop glide open, it felt like satin and it was dark blue. My favourite colour. Suddenly I noticed that it had started to rain and heard the sound of drops against the window pane, softly like a sound of music. It remembered me the day I told Jarod about rain and the sound it makes against my window and how much I am afraid of it. I remember clearly that he said nothing against it, and I told him further more, that during these nights of rain I am not able to sleep. Sometimes my mum came to my room to calm me down but since she was died, nobody came to calm me, nobody was ever home.
So the loop was away, I let my fingers trace through the point where the paper was put together with a piece of adhesive tape –cute, not even super glue this time. I opened the box and saw it. God, why now Jarod? In this box I found my dear old Teddy bear, one I have given to Jarod. I had totally forgotten that I have given this bear to him over all those years. So many things had happened but Jarod had still taken care of him, well Mr. Spooky would need some tender loving care, but this is something I could take care of, maybe.
I took the bear out of the box and found under it a note from Jarod.
“Meet me there where many ways get you into but just one brings you out. The place we always met, so nobody can find us. Ask the man at the reception where this could be. Always, J.”
God Jarod you and your games! How shall I know what he means with this, one way out and many ways in? Somewhere where we met when we were young. Somewhere nobody can find us because just one way brings you to the place you want to head to. Only one place? Jarod, please, once without any riddles, just once please.
Suddenly the phone next to me rang and I nearly fell of the bed because it startled me.
“Yes?” I asked shyly, not sure who had this number.
“So you’ve been at Father Paul’s?” this remarkable male voice said.
“Sure, like always, just one step behind you. But you know Jarod, once …”
“Stop it Parker, I will always be one in front at least as long as I want to be one in front of you because you know that I am able to do so and even if I am one behind you, you wouldn’t even recognize it because you are so fixed to find me that you don’t even risk to look back, once.”
”What do you mean?” I asked not sure what he wanted to tell me with this cryptic sentence.
“Were you hot in your sweater today?” He said and I could already feel him smile through the phone.
“You’ve been at the botanic garden, great. So why haven't you given me the gift in person. Afraid I could shoot you?”
“You wouldn’t shoot me in front of a clerical. Parker you won’t even be able to shoot me if I was under your bed now.”
Right, he was right. I couldn’t shoot him not even if he would be under my bed. I wasn’t able to see him hurt. Shit, this can't be Parker, this can't be. You have to bring him back so you get your life and he gets the life they want. No chance to change this plan.
“So see you tomorrow at three.”
“Where is the place I will find you? I haven't a clue what you mean with that!”
“Think, where did we met when we were young in secret?”
“The vent system.” I answered knowing.
“Okay and what is the vent system at all? I mean if you see it all in all and not just the place we met. I mean there are many ways to get into the system but just one way to get out of the Centre, isn’t it so?” he said knowing that he was right.
These were the last words he said before I heard the tone which told me that he had hung up. At least I realised what the riddle should tell me now.
I changed into a pair of dark blue Levis and a light blue linen blouse with ¾ sleeves and headed in my nice typical American cowboy boots downstairs to the reception to ask where this could be.
“Sorry sir, I have a question. May you tell me where I can find any labyrinths in Vienna, sir?”
“I’d say one of the most famous is at Schönbrunn, in park behind the castle. There are some smaller ones and some tourists call the small streets from the city back to the hotel a complete labyrinth, but if you are looking for a real one, go to Schönbrunn.”
“Schönbrunn, that’s the big old castle isn’t it? The one next to the zoo?”
“Yes you are right Miss. Ever been to Vienna before?” he asked me with a smile. He was an old man, maybe in his late sixties, with green eyes and short white hair. His smile was lovely. Unfortunately, I’ve never known any of my grandparents unfortunately, never met one of them. I always wondered how it would be to have somebody to tell you how it was in the past. I’ve learned a lot in history, in all the boarding schools in Europe but never anything about the past of my family, never.
“Not really Sir and thank you, you’ve been a big help.”
With the paper in my hand I got back into the elevator and thought about it. He was good, pretty good with riddles, but I wouldn’t have solved this without his help. Never.
I played with the paper in my hand and turned it from side to the other one and I now noticed that this was a used sheet of paper; I mean something was written on the backside of it. God this was my handwriting!
“Things I want to DO when I grow up
· kiss a boy
· become a grandmother
· read all books my Alexandre Dumas
· once hug Cary Grant
· go to Buenos Aires to see Evita’s grave
· have kids
· once see the Eiffel Tower
· ride on a camel
· see native Americans like Winnetou
· …. “
Where did Jarod have this from? I can remember writing it, I must have been seven or eight. He had made his list too and, god, yes, we’ve exchanged them to hide them. Once, when we’d be grown up we wanted to re- exchange them, so that everybody can see if this had happened or not yet.
“Do you always have to remember me to those things?” I mumbled like a whisper on the way to my room.
“Where do you come from?” Sydney asked me. I hadn’t seen him.
“I have just been downstairs and grabbed a bite to eat. Hope you don’t care that I haven't waited for you.”
“No problem Parker we just finished showering and wanted to go downstairs on our own. Have a nice evening.” he said, Broots nodded with a smile and they went towards the elevator, I unlocked the door and got into my room.
“How could that happen?” I asked myself when I saw the fresh arrangement of red roses on the table in front of the window.
“Always a step near you! J.” was written on the paper next to it.
“God Jarod, it’s always about you, call the time and you haven't even a clue about it.”
ef
“Morning Sydney” I said when he came downstairs for lunch and I headed back to my room with a big bag from Steffl, one of the most expensive cloth shopping centres of Vienna, well maybe it’s the most expensive of Vienna. I don’t know.
“What did you buy Ms Parker?” he asked me and smiled. Sydney mostly always smiled at me. He always seems to be able to read me.
“Just some lighter things to wear, I nearly died yesterday. How can it be that hot in spring?” I asked him and laughed softly.
“Well you know it can, you nearly grew up in Europe but I read at the TV text that it’s all in all very warm, even for Vienna this year.”
“Okay Sydney, well I’ll head back to my room. See you for dinner.” I said when turned around and went up.
I could feel his eyes on my back, wondering why dinner and not lunch. But Sydney would never ask me why.
ef
I paid the taxi driver for the distance from the hotel to Schönbrunn, the old yellow painted castle I remembered very well from some books and postcards. It was really an amazing building. I once read, I think yes, that it should look like Versailles but that the money went out, like most of the time, and that’s the reason why it is smaller than the original.
I slowly sauntered through the pre-park of the castle, where some small tourist shops were, and lots of Japanese took photos of them in front of the castle.
Me wearing my new short light blue linen costume - a short skirt and a soft dress jacket in the same style, somehow remembering to my mother’s Channel costumes. But this dress jacket didn’t have any buttons, instead it holds together with rivets which were nearly invisible because they had the same colour as the jacket. I wasn’t wearing any shirt under it, just some white lace underwear I’ve bought at a shop called Palmas which seemed to be like Victoria’s Secret to me, but more classic, more like me.
I wandered slowly, letting the warm spring sun shine on my face, through the entry to the castle park. In front of me, uphill, I saw the fascinating Gloriette where a nice “Kaffee” shall be in, as I was told by the taxi driver. He said something like “Best Melange up there” or something like that. I can't remember which type of coffee “Melange” really is, but I guess its something typical Viennese, like so many things.
I saw a small plan on the side way of the stony walk I was going along. The labyrinth? Well I have to go the second right. Okay, let’s try to remember the way then because it was shown on the plan, how to come to the middle of it. It seems to be made out of bushes which are cut in the right way to make a labyrinth. Typical Renaissance! I started to like it really.
I made my way along a couple of benches where old people where sitting, relaxing in the midday sun, talking to each other. On the one side, I noticed two old man with a chess board. That’s what I like such a lot about Vienna, everybody seems to be such relaxed, nobody cares about time. Well at least it seems.
What Vienna famous is for? Let me remember what I have read on the flight while Syd and Broots were asleep? It’s famous for the “Kaffeehäuser”, like we’d say coffee shops and really you have one of it at every corner, well then for “Mozartkugeln” – something sweet I don’t like a lot. It’s made of chocolate and marzipan and seems to melt in your mouth. Then they love sitting outside in parks a lot, that’s what we like too I guess, they are famous for their old buildings – and I have just seen a few of them, let me remember those. I saw Belvedere Castle with its wonderful gardens, the botanic garden, and the state opera near the hotel. I love the state opera; it’s so different from what I’d seen before. Somehow it’s similar to other typical European buildings but well it’s different at all. I also saw “Stefanskirche “ or as the man said to me “Saint Stefan’s Cathedral”. It’s much more a cathedral than any American I have seen. It’s a mix of styles. Yes I have made a small shopping walk through the city, and yes the city is pretty small, the centre at least. Thanks to god that I haven't forgotten all my German and pronunciation during the years. It’s a little Gothic and then a little Romanic. Inside it reminds me to of Canterville, the simple way, the high church house, the three ships. Sure Anglican Churches were different, but this one was something special to me. I couldn’t resist heading to a side altar, where people lit candles. It seems to me like there would be a sea of burning candles. So I lit one too, for Mamma. I knelt down for a silent prayer and added:
“I want to swear Mamma, that I will try not to hurt Jarod today. I’ll try to understand him; try to think about what he says. Please god, I am not a very catholic person, but please, let me once remember this oath in the minute I need it.” I finished, made a cross on my chest, like everybody does here and stood up.
Suddenly I saw a bright light coming through one of the windows and a voice was speaking to me. I felt like I would freeze and time with me.
“He’ll always be there for you. He never wanted to see you cry. You’ve been strong through the years, but now come home child, come home my little girl and show him the girl you’ve once been. He will not judge over things you have done or said towards him during the last years, nor will he do anything towards you, nothing you don’t want him to do. Be yourself my little darling, be the girl I remember and not the woman you’ve been changed into. Be the little girl who loved Mr. Spooky so much that you gave him to Jarod, so that he would be able to cuddle with somebody in bed. The little girl who was able to smile and laugh innocently. The girl I loved so dearly.” I stood there, looking into the light. I wasn’t sure but it seemed to me like I’d see mum in there, her beautiful dark hair open and playing childish around her face, her remarkable eyes with this smile in them and not to forget the big smile on her face, which always lightened my day up when I saw it.
Suddenly an old woman grabbed me before she nearly fell to the floor. This ripped me out of my dream or whatever it was. I caught her just in the right moment.
“Entschuldigung” she said to me and I smiled at her. “Sie verstehen mich nicht oder?” she asked me, but I was just smiling at her.
“Ich verstehe sie, aber mein Deutsch ist nicht mehr das Beste. Es ist lange her dass ich es gesprochen habe.“
„Sie sind Amerikanerin?“ she asked me and I nodded in agreement, my accent seemed noticeable .
“Es ist gut zu wissen dass auch junge Leute noch an Gott glauben, es ist doch so selten geworden, dass man ein junges Gesicht in den altern Mauern hier sieht“ she said and I nodded in agreement.
It really had been a long time since I have been in church or even said a prayer for anybody. I had lost the rest of my faith with Thomas death. If a god had have been there, nothing would have happened because he’d warned him or something like that.
I said goodbye to the old lady and she said that she’ll enclose me to her prayers and I thanked her for it and went out of the church.
Was it really my mother?
So I was walking through the castle park now, thinking about the day. Many things have happened since we landed. I totally had forgotten- I smiled about the thought - to tell Syd and Broots where I went to. It was good this way because if Jarod would really show up, I would want him alone, not to share him with my freaks.
Within a couple of minute I was standing at the “entry” of the labyrinth. There were a couple of ways going from where I was standing. Some kids were playing around my feet and I needed to watch where I was stepping.
A woman with a baby on her arm was sitting near by to watch the children when the blanket fell from her knee. It was like a mutual reflex to pic it up. I went towards her, knelt down and picked it up. It was a soft and cosy light blue baby blanket. The woman just smiled at me and thanked but her baby started to cry again and she started to nurse, so it was time for me to leave without words.
I guessed that I remembered the right way would be number four, but I was wrong when I headed through it for about ten minutes. So I went back, which wasn’t that easy at all. Where was my photographic memory? So I was standing at the entry again and thinking.
“Drei” the little boy next to me whispered and I got down at his height.
“Was hast du gesagt?” I asked and he put three little fingers up to let me know that I should try three.
“Danke” I said and smiled at the boy. He was cute. A little three year old with blond curls and big blue eyes. Sooner than his mother might think he’ll be breaking the girls’ heart.
I turned around again to see four or five kids in a circle, hand in hand singing:
“Ringl, ringl reia, simma unsa dreia, simma unterm Hollabusch, machen alle husch husch husch” they sang and giggled.
A child’s rhythm, how long was it since I have heard such a line? Long, that’s sure.
I went into the three and really it was the right way. I managed to remember the right crossings, the right corners to look at and finally I stood in the middle of it where a small table was standing, decorated with fine porcelain dishes, wine glasses and a bottle of white wine was standing in the cooler. Cheese and vines were served on a separate dish, near some bread.
“You made it” I heard a whisper from behind which let me shudder. It was him, really him, standing behind me. God bless my soul if this wasn’t one of the most erotic acts I have ever been in – a little whisper and I was melting, aroused from just the voice and the breath which hit my neck.
I couldn’t turn around to let him see my dilated pupils. And I didn’t need to because he made his way around me, sitting down at the one side of the table.
“If I remember your habits well, you haven't eaten Lunch yet. Have you?”
“No Jarod but how can you be sure that I haven't brought somebody with me?” I asked and sat down on the other side.
”I know you. I knew that if you would come and find me, you would come alone.”
”Why?” I nearly whispered.
“I know you well Parker remember this” he said and smiled. He looked great. He wasn’t wearing the usual black, instead he wore a dark green polo shirt and beige trousers, and over his shoulders was a wool pullover in dark red. God he was just looking more than handsome.
“You look good” he said while he but a vine in his mouth. “Some wine?” he asked me and I nodded.
“Thanks, you don’t look that bad either.”
“Oh and that’s out of Ms. Parker’s mouth –I can't believe that I heard it.”
“I am not Ms Parker today, I am …”
“Lilly” he said with a deep breath. His eyes had found mine. If it would be possible I would be a puddle, melted to the floor.
“Yes Lilly, call me Lilly please.”
“Am I right that nobody has called …”
”Yes since mum is dead.”
We both nodded and sipped at the wine. Many things were going through my head now and one of the main things was which type of wine it is. I was not sure yet, maybe a Zierpfandler, because it tasted somehow like strawberry and quince but it could also be any other erotic fruit. Sure it was a light wine, with a pleasant acidity.
“You like the wine?” he asked me with a smile on his lips.
“Sure it’s a good one. Which type?” I asked shyly.
“Oh I thought you’ve guessed. It’s a Zierpfandler 2001 I guess” he turned the bottle a little, “yes 2001. I bought it from a friend of mine, from a small town near Vienna called Gumpoldskirchen or something like that. He’s a great old guy, good with wines. This is one of his, well now his son in law.”
“Tell him that it’s a very good wine, fresh and light, and not too sweet but full of fruit.” I said and smiled at him. Stop smiling, I said myself but somehow it wasn’t working. He really made me smile all the time.
“So why am I here Jarod?”
“I wanted to see you.”
“I thought you can see me all the time, but I am too stupid to turn around the right way?”
“As much as I love your butt Lilly, I can't always stare it. I like the front too.”
I wasn’t able to agree or disagree, hit him or not for this statement. He was smiling, damned it. He knew that I can't be angry with him, never could.
I ate some vines and we just sitting there, no word was said, no eye to eye contact. Suddenly it started to get darker.
“Let’s head back Parker, I think it will start to rain soon.”
I didn’t said a thing, only stood up, helped him to put the things back together into the basket and we went, nearly ran back through the labyrinth. Thanks to god that he had a photographic memory, because the moment we were out of it, it started to rain. Somehow it seems like somebody would really want to get me wet to my skin. Jarod lead me to a small house near the labyrinth but it was too late, I was soaked to my skin.
“I am sorry Parker” he said and tried not to stare at me.
“Lilly, Jarod it’s Lilly.” Jarod just nodded and turned around, at this moment I noticed that the linen didn’t let me look very decent.
“It’s nothing you haven't seen before Jarod. Or? So turn around and be a man.” I joked. He opened the door and we stepped in. The house was only rarely furnished, just a bed, a small oven, two chairs and a table, some curtains and a cupboard. That was it till I noticed the iron case on the table. It was Jarod’s “cottage”.
“Sit down and make you comfortable. I’ll get you a decent shirt to change. It will cool down fast, so maybe …. I’ll turn on the heater and you can hang your skirt and the jacket over it. Okay?” I nodded.
I wasn’t really embarrassed, which was untypical me, especially if it was about Jarod. Normally I would scream at him, hitting him, calling him bad names but somehow it didn’t feel right today. I just wanted to get out of these wet cloths.
While he was opening the cupboard I had unbuttoned my jacked and hanged it over a chair than I unzipped my skirt and put it over the other one. I was standing there with an innocent look, for sure, just in my underwear, waiting for him to turn around. And so he did. Shortly he stared at me, starting from my eyes he let his eyes wander slowly down neck, over the soft white straps of my bra, the beginning of the lace, my dark erected nipples which were obviously showing in their best way through the lace – there he stopped slowly – but then his eyes trailed down my belly over my belly button, my French cut lace panties and finally over my long legs and my high heels. I really could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t seem to care. I haven't a clue what happened to me. The normal Parker would have killed him for this.
But Jarod was standing there, innocently with a shirt in his hands. Slowly he turned around and grabbed a pair of cotton boxer shorts and handed me both. Then he turned around again to give me some room to change but I didn’t want that. I wanted his eyes on me.
”You can watch Jarod; there is nothing new for you here. I am a woman like every other too.” I whispered. When did my voice went this husky?
“Sure you are.” he whispered. He wasn’t able to look straight into my face. God this boy was even shy! Cute that was really cute. He may be a complete man in all ways but inside he was still this shy boy who hasn’t yet asked a girl out for the homecoming.
“And why are you afraid to watch then?” I asked him and went a step towards this handsome guy with my shirt in his hands.
But he didn’t answer me. Jarod stood, there like frozen, staring at the floor.
With another step I was standing in front of him, only some inches away, his breath was already touching my neck.
“Why are you afraid, Jarod? I am a woman like every other too.” I said letting my hands trail to my back where I started slowly to unhook my bra. I let the straps glide their way down my shoulders and stood there with one arm over my chest to hold the rest of my bra in place. “And I look like every other woman you’ve seen too.” I said and let one hand glide southwards and the bra fall to the floor where his eyes were staring at. My two palms were hiding my already aroused nipples. “Do you think you could look at me like you looked at all those other women?” I asked him.
He was still staring at the floor, shyly. “Jarod I won’t bite you or say something. I just want you to look at me and tell me what you see!”
Suddenly he lifted his head and stared into my eyes, not even noticing my nearly exposed chest.
“I see you Parker, a nice looking woman with amazing eyes which are able to kill.” Jarod said coldly.
Fuck – nice is the worst word I can even think of. Within a minute I had picked up my bra, stepped back into my wet skirt and jacket with clenched to my body, opened the door and headed back into the cold April rain.
I can't believe it that he has thought “nice” to me. This was the worst thing a man could say. I mean you look great, is already something strange and a woman should think twice about it but just “nice” was fucking horrible. How could he? How could he lead me to this nice labyrinth, play with me like that and finally not even look at me in any other way than professional?
It was raining and I already felt my toes getting wet through the light shoes. I stepped out of them and took them in my hand. I ran and ran and ran. There was nobody in sight, nobody. So many tourists had been here when I came, but now, as it was raining, they were all gone for good. I didn’t want to go back to the hotel, to maybe run into the freaks so that they could ask me questions. No way to go back now.
I ran across the big park to the other side. This seemed to be a labyrinth of its own. There were trees and bushes cut in different animal forms but the zoo was into the other direction. There were smaller ones which looked like towers. Somehow I felt like Alice in Wonderland.
I didn’t stop; I ran and ran and ran till I wasn’t able to breathe anymore. It was getting colder now and I was freezing and shuddering like a small animal which was forgotten in the rain.
Without thinking a lot, I sat down on a bench, near a small fountain which was flooding because of the rain. I leaned back and closed my eyes.
ef
“Don’t move” I heard a voice whispering towards me. So I didn’t move, not even dare to open my eyes yet.
I felt like I was laying somewhere, maybe a bed.
I felt something warm and dry around me, maybe a blanket and a t-shirt.
I felt somebody sit down next to me.
“How could you be so stupid?” a familiar voice said.
Slowly I opened my eyes and Jarod was sitting on the bed next to me. Jarod? I freaked and wanted to get out of this darn bed.
“Let me go” I protested till my memory came back. I had been running trough the rain. Oh yes he had told me that I have a nice body. God this man … He pressed me back to bed, his hands on my shoulders.
“You will stay in there. You’ve been out for nearly one day now and you have a fever. You stay in bed as long as the temperature is that high, at least.”
“I have to go” I mumbled before I fell back to sleep.
ef
Somebody was shaking me. This was the moment I opened my eyes and saw him again, bent over me to press his lips against my forehead.
“You are still hot!” he mumbled and smiled down at me. I was in another t-shirt of his, something grey instead of white.
“How long?”, where the only words I was able to ask.
“A little over four days now.”
I tried to get out of the bed but he pressed me back and smiled down, like before, “Stay calm Parker, you nearly died because of pneumonia. Why were you so …” he tried to say, but I ignored him because I remembered the reason very well. He’d been the reason. Shit. Why does this man always want to take care of me?
I tried again to get out of bed.
“You’ll stay in there or I cuff you against the bed.”
“Just in your dreams Jarod, just in your dreams”, I mumbled.
God I have been standing there nearly naked in front of him and he not even tried to make a step towards me, he’d looked away. I really got a little to slim over the years! When I was younger I’d some flesh on my body but all the training, coffee and cigarettes, and then my ulcer made this woman out of me. I’ve created this woman.
“I want to eat something Jarod I am hungry.”
“I bet you are hungry, you’ve slept for such a long time and I was only able to get water into your mouth.”
Within a couple of minutes he brought me some soup and a hot and steamy coffee. I looked around the room and saw a small blanket on the floor next to my bed, and a pillow neatly on it. God he’d really slept on the floor because of me?
“So tell me now why did you ran out into the rain?” he sat down next to me while I tried to get some soup into my mouth, but my hands were shaking. So he grabbed the spoon and started to feed me with the comment, “I don’t want to see all the soup on the fresh sheets”.
I let him do so because it was the only way not to answer his question.
But the minute I’d finished eating, he questioned me again.
“Why Parker, give me one good reason!” he said.
“Nothing” was my only statement and I shook my head in embarrassment.
“There is something Parker and we both know that. Just tell me what I did, or what I said to make you so upset.”
“Like I said, there is nothing, I just went crazy and wanted to be alone.” I lied, more or less because somehow he was right, and he had said something.
“No Parker, don’t lie to me!” he nearly yelled at me, standing near the window, just staring at me.
What should I do now? Tell him that I thought that he’d be sexually interested in me, that he would like to take me till my teeth rattle? And that I had imagined how it would be to wake up in his arms, or pressed against his muscular chest? No, I can't do that!
“I remembered something, that’s it, nothing special, just something.” I lied “And I don’t want to talk about it!”
“But we’ll need to talk about it.”
“No! Jarod don’t do this to me. Just let me live my life, okay? Is this to much to ask for?”
“No it isn’t Parker but you also live my life, that’s why I am allowed to ask.”
Jarod was still standing by the window and from the bed; it looked like it would still be raining outside. The cottage was small and it would get impossible to live near each other within a day.
“Let me get back to my hotel and everything will be fine again. We’ll forget what happened and that’s it.” I said and started to rise from the bed.
“We can't go back to where we’ve been. I don’t want to go back to where we’ve been when you came to Vienna. “
Jarod slowly went to the table and grabbed a book and came back with it and sat down on the bed next to me, laying the book into my lap. Then he sat back onto the bed till his back leaned against the wall.
I don’t know why I did the following move but I did it, I moved back so that I was sitting between his tights, my back pressed against his chest and my head snuggled under his chin.
With another move the warm blanket was over my bare legs and I felt his breath hard against my neck when I moved a little to get into a more comfortable position.
“Look at it” He just said.
It made my nervous not to see his face when he was talking to me.
It made me nervous to feel his ribcage getting up and down with his breathing.
It made me nervous to feel his hands near my body.
It made me nervous to smell him.
And, it made me nervous to feel his hot body pressed against mine.
I took a deep breath through and his scent filled my nose. I thought that I would get unconscious within the next couple of seconds but instead I felt the increasing heat between my legs and this tingle which hadn’t been there before. God!
Slowly I opened the book, inside I noticed that I had once given it to him because he hadn’t known anything about romance and this book was a romance novel. I’ve loved Jane Austen when I was young, and I still like her works.
I remember that he’d read “Pride and Prejudice” within a night and for weeks he just spoke of the Bennet daughters. Sydney once had asked what “his” boy was talking about and I just smiled at Jarod and said that I haven't a clue.
So I’d the book open and the moment I turned the next page, I nearly jumped off the bed. There was a picture in it, a picture of us. God tell me when this one was taken?!
It showed us two, sitting on his bed. His head was near mind. God it had been the moment he’d made me this hickey I had to hide for nearly a week. We’ve been something about 13 when this had happened; I’ve been something about 13. He’d congratulated me to my birthday I guess or something like that, well it had been the day he’d kissed me the second time and more demanding.
We weren’t kids anymore but also far away from being adults. So we shared this kiss and after the kiss he’d suckled on my neck and sure, he didn’t know that from Jane Austen!
“Where do you have this one from?” I asked him shyly, not turning my head towards him.
“Remember they filmed everything! Do you really think that they hadn’t known what was going on in the bedroom? It was the only reason why I stopped you there at the Centre.”
“And why do you stop me now?”
“What are you talking about Parker?”
“I asked you why you haven't made a move on me when it was possible!” I asked.
“Because times have changed.” he said quickly. And tears were straining up my eyes. I pressed my back a little more into his chest, let my head fall so that my chin was hitting my breast bone and cried, cried in silence as so often during the last years.
I didn’t make a sound, didn’t breath harder or sobbed, no, I just cried. I sat there and there was the absolute silence till I saw a small brown mouse running through the room. I didn’t say a word; just let my eyes follow here.
Jarod was feeding here because on the floor near the oven a small piece of cheese was laying. Typical, it was Jarod; he even cared for the mouse.
The moment I let my head rest again under his chin, I felt his arms around my waist.
“Times have changed Parker and with them many other things, but never let never anybody say that I don’t like you, that you don’t mean a lot for me.
“But… But I don’t mean everything to you.” I whispered.
He didn’t say a word. We were sitting there in silence for something that seemed like eternity.
***
The next time I opened my eyes I noticed that he was laying next to me under the bed. It seemed like we’ve just fallen to our side from the last time I remember. Jarod was asleep next to me, my head pressed against his chest, his arm around me to hold me in place. Cute, really cute! His breathing was steady, so he was still asleep. I laid still, my hand trailing over the buttons of the flannel shirt, I really wonder where he’d cotton this ugly peace from. It was black and pink and it really made my eyes ache.
Suddenly I felt something move under me, but he didn’t wake up, he just turned around so that his head was resting on my breast, one hand around my waist. It felt like he would be afraid that I would run away. I tried to relax and breathe steady but it was impossible and got even more impossible when he laid one of his legs over mine and I felt his morning erection pressed into my hip. Jesus, God help me!
Maybe I just went back to sleep or not but the next moment I somehow remembered was that my lips where near Jarod’s neck and his hand under my t-shirt, firmly pressed against my breast.
“Hm …” Moaning, god I was really moaning under his touch and he wasn’t really doing anything yet, just letting his hand rest on my breast, his thumb on my nipple which just adjusted to his touch, just hardened.
And then he woke up. Jarod just stared into my eyes without saying a word to me, just laying there and staring into my eyes. It took him a couple of seconds till he’d moved the shirt high enough to taste my breasts.
If I hadn’t realised when I was younger that his lips are so soft. They were perfect there, soft, wet and with the right pressure. Within another second he had my nipple in his mouth and was sucking it.
I wouldn’t be able to describe this feeling if there were words for, because it was sensational, breathtaking and everything else.
My eyes closed and I needed to breath through my opened mouth. I started to moan and the wetness between my legs increased. I need something there, somebody, somebody’s’ fingers, tongue or whatever.
But Jarod didn’t need a hint. He pulled my, his, the shorts I were wearing down to my knees and started to kiss the way down from my breasts, over my ribcage, belly and belly button, over my hipbone towards my pubic hair. God save me, but I’d be able to die as a happy woman if a flash would hit me now.
He got there, his full body laid between my legs and I? I couldn’t stop moaning. God this man was talented and this tongue! It took him about three minutes and just his tongue to let me come and I never had come like that before, and never screamed his name.
We didn’t need words or long looks. I grabbed the hem of his ugly flannel shirt and got it over his head while he got me completely out of mine. The next step he freed me of my panties and I didn’t need to help him out, I just watched.
I think I have never watched a man before that instant. Normally I wasn’t even able to watch because they were naked before I even had been able to step into my bedroom. But this was different and Jarod wasn’t an ordinary man. He was Jarod.
“You really want this Lilly?” he asked me and I nodded. “Because if you aren’t sure we should stop now.” he said and I smiled at him.
“You know Jarod that I want this, I want it for a long time.”
Suddenly he started to kiss me, this was unexpected. Kissing was unexpected for me. Normally there is a fuck and that’s it, no kissing and especially not on the mouth.
But he did so, started just pressing his lips against mine, letting his chest brush my now sensitive breasts, erected nipples and his hips bones crush mine, softly in a loving way. This pressing started to get a little more mouth open like, till our mouths were both open; slowly he started to outline my lips.
“Do you love me?” I asked shyly between all that and Jarod didn’t respond. I just realised it and put my hand against his chest. “Stop it Jarod.” I said more demanding.
“What’s it Parker? I thought you want this?” he said.
“I asked you a question – do you love me?”
“Why do you want to know that now?” he said directly. Jarod sat up and within this move I laid naked in front of him, our blanket behind his back.
“Because I need to know it,” I pushed some strains of hair out of my face “I need to know it Jarod and I need to know it now!”
But Jarod was just sitting there, sitting there and staring at me. I felt naked and uncomfortable but I couldn’t show it, I didn’t allow me to show it.
“Why?” he asked me and stared at me with these remarkable chocolate coloured eyes.
“It’s important for me to know it Jarod. Please don’t ask me anymore, just answer my question.”
And in this moment he leaned down and kissed me on my mouth.
“Maybe I love you,” he whispered “maybe not, but I want you and I need you.”
“It isn’t enough” I said huskily.
“Why not? Where is the difference with all those others guys who slept with you?"
“Like I said Jarod, I needed the answer and I got it, not let me go.” I said. Tears where really coming up my eyes and I wanted to hide them and wanted to hide my body. But his weight pressed me further into the mattress.
“Tell me you don’t like that” he said and the next thing I felt was his mouth over my right nipples, sucking, enveloping it with his hot wet lips, teasing it with his tongue. I bite myself not to moan out loud. Why does my body has to betray me in situations like that? Could somebody please let me know it!
I said nothing and he continued to torture me. His lips were still closed around my nipple and he was suckling like a baby would do and no other man had ever done before. But hand was going its own way, down my belly and between my legs.
I was already more than wet; I could already imagine the wet spot on the blanket under me. Jarod? Jarod didn’t care and he had an easy game because of my darn body which betrayed me like hell. I mean I didn’t want to spread my legs, but my body did so. And I didn’t want to feel his fingers inside me and his thumb against my throbbing bundle of nerves but my body was aching for it.
“Tell me again that you don’t like it.” he said and lowered his body between my spread tights. I could feel his erection already pressing towards my centre.
“Tell me you don’t want this to happen.” he said again when the tip of his erection touched me where I needed him most.
“Fuck Jarod I want this to happen and I need it. Okay? But the fact is that there are other things I always thought of … things I never thought that they would happen like this one … and then there are things that never should have happened …. and well …there are …”
“Spill it out Parker, just spill it out.”
Okay this isn’t working, shit. Why always me god?
“I thought that it would be different with you.” I took a pregnant break, “I thought that you would love me ‘Lilly’ and not just Ms. Parker’s body.”
Jarod didn’t say a word. He sat up and stared at me while silent tears were running down my already blushed cheeks.
I tried to turn away but I couldn’t. I had to face this situation, face it, see that it was so senseless to flee. I’d get me whatever I do, where ever I would hide. Even if it would be deep in my soul, Jarod would be able to grab this part out of me, to show me what I have done, or said. He would face me again and again with it, even if he didn’t intend to do so.
I heard this voice inside me singing this melody of a song ‘I’m just a lost soul, looking for a home’. This brought me back to reality.
“Look Jarod, we could sleep together now and afterwards do like nothing has happened okay? It would work well; you just have to tell me. Or I get into my dry cloth and head away and we’ll forget THIS has ever happened. Face it and tell me what you want.”
He smiled at me and this smile even hurt more.
“I want you Lilly! I don’t want your body; I don’t want to ‘fuck’ you. I want the little girl, the growing woman I have kissed when the photo was taken.”
“We can't do it; we really can't do it Jarod. I can't do it. Its not the right moment, its … I can't do it okay?
I tried to get out of the bed and he let me, he really didn’t make an attempt to stop me now. He sat there, naked like God has made him, watching me. I got clothed and sat back on the bed.
“I am frustrated, yes Jarod that’s true, even if you’ve never imagined it. And I really would want this to happen, I did over years. But not like that! It can't happen like that. I haven't been with a man in ages, I mean really been. There has been the one or other but nothing which could be compared to what we have, to what we’ve had.” I said. I couldn’t look into his eyes but I felt him breaking apart. Maybe he understood me now, maybe not. I couldn’t tell.
I placed a tender kiss on his cheek and hugged him a last time. “But remember it Jarod, I really love you and nobody can ever destroy it.”
These were my last words before I left the cottage and headed, in silence, back to my hotel.
***
Just the moment I opened the door to my room I heard Broots “God, Ms Parker where have you been. We’ve thought ….”
“Broots” I said and smiled at him, the first time ever? “I just had to do some things and think over others. Nothing has happened to me and I am fine. Thanks for your concern.”
That’s what I told Broots and headed into my room, took a shower, changed into my silk pyjamas and went to bed.
*** a month later ***
We’ve went back home from Vienna about a week after all that happened. I had written a lot down into my online diary at an Online Cafe. I didn’t want to use my personal diary for such intimate things because I could be sure that somebody would read it. This online diary was mine, my personal small diary.
My job went the way it always did, around the country in 24 hours. It was May now and even in Blue Cove summer started. The days got longer and the nights shorter, it was sunny most of the time and rain got more seldom. The sea got a little calmer and wasn’t playing that wild against the shore anymore.
At the moment I walked along the beach, my sandals in my hand. Don’t ask me how I was able to have this time but somehow it was possible at the moment.
I was wearing one of mum’s flower printed dresses which played around my ankles and a soft cotton jacket over my shoulders.
“Stop” I heard a voice behind me and I froze. I didn’t dare to turn around. Nobody knew that I was making a walk here, nobody.
“Stay like this,” I heard his voice whisper, “I love the way your hair plays in the sea wind.”
Jarod! God, thanks he is doing well. I haven't seen or heard from him since Vienna.
I stood there as he asked and didn’t move.
“I like the way this dress hugs your curves”, he whispered and pressed his lips against my neck, while his hands had found their way around my waist.
My eyes went down to the sand, staring at my sandy toes.
“I’ve missed you” I mumbled like in trance when I felt his body pressing against mine.
“I hope you” he answered and let his head rest on my shoulder, his lips against my neck and his arms against my belly. I could feel is smile against me.
I don’t know how long we stood there, but suddenly a higher wave came and got up to my knees and I nearly fell down, if Jarod wouldn’t have caught me.
“Hey, Hey Parker you can't ….” this moment our eyes found each other. He was holding me, one hand around my hip. God these eyes, as dark brown as chocolate. I could dive into them. God help me please before I get lost.
The next moment his lips were against mine, he was humming something I couldn’t understand between this kiss. Our mouth opened, screaming for air, when our tongues met in the middle. “I love you” he whispered in between. These few words only got me a little braver and I let my hands wander about his muscular and hairy chest.
“I love you” he said again a little louder.
“Ditto, Jarod, ditto.” was my answer and I smiled at him.
Together we went out of the water and started to kiss.
“Let’s go back to the house Jarod; I am getting to old for plays in the sand. And at all I hate it to have sand everywhere.”
“I didn’t say that you would have sand everywhere.” he grinned and put an arm around my shoulder when we slowly walked back to my house.
The sky was in a dark shade of red and it was time for the sun to go down. Jarod and I were sitting on a small wooden bench on my porch and remembered the day I told him about the different shades of red.
“I really love you Lilly, I ever did.” he said and snuggled a little closer towards me.
“Me too, Jarod. But let’s forget Vienna, okay?”
With a smile he stood in front of me and led me upstairs to my bedroom. His big hands started to unbutton the small pearl buttons of my dress.
“I can't forget it Lilly, I can't forget that I haven't told you that I deeply love you, that I am in love with you, when you lay naked under me, crying.”
“Please” Jarod I begged him to stop talking.
“I can't understand how I couldn’t be honest with you and myself.” he said and stared to kiss my collarbone when the dress fell down to the floor. I was wearing dark red lace underwear, the colour of the sundown.
Slowly I sat down on the bed, letting him kneel between my legs. My eyes were closed and his hands nearly were too much sensation for my body. His palms rested on my upper tights and his face was pressed against my belly.
“I really love you Lilly, I do much more than just love you. We don’t have to sleep with each other if you think that I am not right. But I really love you, forever.”
To hear these words nearly broke my heart. He was honest, I knew.
I helped him to unbutton the jeans and get him out of the black Armani shirt which fit him so perfectly.
“You’ve an amazing body” I whispered into his ear when we were both lying on the bed, his weight resting on his elbows beside my shoulders, we were nose to nose.
“I want this Lilly and if you want to stop, tell me now or there won’t be ….”
“I want this too Jarod, don’t be afraid.” I said with a smile and touched his heatedly member – big, hot and hard as granite. I was still able to do this to men even after all those years.
There wasn’t a lot of foreplay involved – aren’t more than 30 years of foreplay enough to finally let it happen? We’ve danced around each other as kids and they made us dance around each other like wolf and sheep but hell, we’ve always known that these weren’t the right rules for us.
He entered me and waiting for me to open my eyes. I needed a little time to adjust and he knew it. Jarod didn’t need words from me to know it. He already had noticed that he was a big boy. He started to kiss me, letting our tongues fight. Within this he started to move, softly in the beginning till I told him that he should go faster, till I screamed to go harder.
I have had sex before but this was different. We didn’t need words to see what the other one wanted. I didn’t need to hear that he loves me when he came inside me because I already knew it. He didn’t need to hear that I want being hold afterwards and that I like to cuddle, and prefer no bed talk.
This was me, the person he knew.
****
A voice got me out of sleep. I heard a voice but suddenly it was away again so I thought that I just have had a dream. I snuggled a little more into Jarrod’s chest, pressed myself more into him and let his fingers dance over my hip.
Suddenly the bedroom door opened and Broots was standing there. “Parker” I’ve heard him calling when he entered.
“Shit” he said and turned around on his heels and left my bedroom.
“Shit” was the only word I found to say. Jarod was wide awake by now. “Stop Broots don’t run away now” I said and grabbed my robe from near my bed.
Broots had turned around, not facing me.
“Sorry Ms Parker I thought something might have happened. I’ve called all morning and nobody picked up, so I came and nobody opened the door. I was afraid.”
“Look Broots, nothing has happened okay? You couldn’t know it!”
He nodded in embarrassment. Jarod had buttoned his jeans and stood next to Broots; put a hand on the man’s shoulder.
“It could have been worse” he joked and grinned at Broots. “Let’s have a big breakfast. Do you like animal pancakes?” Jarod asked.
THE END
