Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story 
Chapter or Story
Chap. 2
Almost two hours later, Jarod sat in one of the kitchen chairs a few feet behind the couch watching Blair and Jim work and stunned by the amount of trust and faith he could sense flowing between the two. He had never experienced anything like it. To him, it seemed the two men were parts of a whole, two halves of one spirit who both knew they had found their place.
Feeling Blair had had enough for a while, he caught Jim's eye and tilted his head toward the kitchen. The other acknowledged the signal and turned back to bring his partner out.
"Okay. Time to find your peaceful place. Go there now. In a minute I'll begin to bring you back up to the light. Drifting in the warm water, breathing easily, let the tension and stress go. Let it float out of your body, let it float away. Good. Counting back from five. When I reach one, you'll be fully awake and aware, feeling refreshed and remembering everything that's passed between us. Five; floating upward now, slowly up. Four; coming up at just the right speed, breathing gently. Three; closer to the surface, the light's getting brighter. Two; rising to the light, you can almost touch it now. One. Welcome back, buddy."
"Must be break time." Blair grunted, stretching his neck. "Damn. We'll have to supplement that instruction about the tension and stress. It's having less and less effect."
Turning Blair to face away from him, Jim vigorously massaged from the shoulders up through the back of his guide's neck then back down. "Ohh. Better. Thanks, man."
"Anytime. Stay here and stretch a little. I'll be back."
Blair grunted his assent and his disappointment with another failed attempt as he slowly pulled his left hand around to the right side of his body. Jim rose stiffly and walked back into the kitchen where Jarod waited for him. "So? Anything?"
"Several things. How long have you been working with him on this phobia?"
"I don't know. Six weeks, maybe."
"And he's never gotten any further than where he is now?"
"Not an inch. If you've figured something out, spill it. Is it me? Am I using the wrong words or am I backing off when I should push..."
"No. Your technique is fine. It just won't work in this case."
"What are you saying, that it's him?"
"In a way. He trusts you completely, detective. He couldn't be any more open to your suggestions and instructions if he tried. You still can't get through. That tells me there's something else going on here."
"Like what?"
"Like this blackness he's trying to fight his way through is artificial."
"Artificial. You mean he didn't create this... black wall he keeps talking about?"
"Exactly. Someone else put it there and only they, and Blair, hold the key to pulling it down."
"But if he has the solution to it, why..."
"Think about standing on the beach and heaving a sea shell as hard as you can out into the ocean. How easy would it be to find it? His subconscious is about as deep and wide as that ocean and we're probably talking about trying to find one, maybe two specific words. It could take minutes or it could take years."
"Or it might never happen."
"And the deeper you dig, the more dangerous it is for the one under hypnosis. Do you really want to know what lives at the bottom of your subconscious?"
"Probably something that would make Godzilla look like a day at Disneyland."
"Probably."
"I don't get this. It's not like Blair's a CIA spy or an alien abductee or anything. He isn't holding state secrets or the blueprints to a nuclear missile in his head."
"Nothing but the truth behind his iatrophobia. It doesn't make much sense to me either, but then phobias rarely do."
"I've just been trying to get him through to the source of his fear so he can get past it, but if I even say the word hospital or doctor while he's under he shuts down so completely I have trouble even bringing him out."
"I understand. Unusual... He has to be told about this, detective. That's the only thing there's no question about."
"Jim. Call me Jim, okay?"
"Sorry. Jim. If you'd rather I..."
"No. I'll do it. How, I don't know... but I'll think of something. I always do."
"Be straightforward. Just tell him."
Shooting Jarod a swift, dubious, expression, Jim moved back and reclaimed his seat beside Blair.
"I don't like that expression, Jim. What did Kyle say? Did he see something? Does he know why this is happening?"
"Yeah, he thinks so, Chief. The problem isn't you or me. Well, not exactly anyway. He.... he seems to think this block you're fighting is artificial, not something you created. Someone else put this so-called 'black wall" in your head."
"You can't be serious. That's.... Oh, no, no, no. That's just ridiculous.... Kyle?"
Dragging his chair a little closer, Jarod tried his best to expand on Jim's basic description.
"It's the only explanation that fits. As strange as it sounds, someone doesn't want you to understand why you fear hospitals so deeply. The block appears to be very powerful. You may not be able to break it.... ever."
Hopelessness beginning to crack the edges of the desire he'd held to so strongly for so many months, Blair steadied himself, then gazed up at Jarod, voicing his last chance at finding real peace.
"But you can?"
"No. What I mean is, I won't even try. I promised both of you that I wouldn't interfere. I've broken that already. I have no right to go any further..."
"Even if I ask? Hell with it, I am asking. Please. Help me."
Gazing from Blair to Jim, Jarod found fires blazing hotly in the older man's eyes; fires of passionate caring and a powerful need to shield his younger partner from any more pain, sorrow or frustration.
"If you're both sure you want this.... there is one thing I could try. I won't guarantee anything."
"Are you positive... that someone else did this to me?" Blair asked, his eyes on Jim, his hands shaking almost imperceptibly.
"As badly as you want this, if you'd hidden this memory from yourself, I have to believe you'd have uncovered it by now, or at least part of it. Yes. I'm positive."
"Then do it. You can't possibly be any less successful than we were."
"I agree." Jim acceded. "Anything is better than going nowhere. I'll follow whatever directions you give me to the letter. Just tell me what to do."
"Okay. Blair. Are you too tired to go on now? Do you want to wait until tomorrow or the next day?"
"Forget that. I'm a little tired, but most of what's wearin' me out is fightin' the stupid memory block. Get me through it... and trust me, the last thing I'll be ready to do is sleep."
"Let's hope I can help then. Go ahead and put him back under, Jim."
"Me? I thought this was your show from here on in."
"You've been the one working with him all this time. It's your voice, your intonation he responds to. Go on."
Once Blair was deeply hypnotized, Jim gave Blair a command that allowed him to hear and answer Jarod's questions and directives as well as those given by his partner.
"Blair. This is Kyle. Can you hear and understand me?"
"Perfectly."
"Good. Tell me where you are."
"The loft. Jim's apartment."
"How are you feeling right now?"
"Not so good. Tense, worried."
"Can you identify the source of those feelings?"
"I haven't been able to make any progress in my sessions with Jim. I thought this would be so easy when we started, but... it's nothing but a mess."
"How so? What caused it to become a mess?"
"I don't know... I just... don't know. I kept coming up against this wall that I couldn't get past. It made me so... so mad... and scared." Blair responded, becoming visibly upset as he voiced the loss of control he still felt when discussing his failure at breaching the memory block.
Seeing how disturbed the younger man was, Jarod calmed him with a common technique he'd learned long ago.
"Where do you feel safest, Blair? Where is the one place noone can hurt you?"
"With Jim... anywhere with Jim. He's my best friend.... Blessed Protector. I'm always safe with Jim."
Jarod shot Jim a brief upraised eyebrow at the unfamiliar term, but the other was utterly focused on Blair and took no notice.
"I want you to picture yourself standing in a small room, Blair. It's painted light blue. The whole room, every surface, is light blue. Jim is standing right beside you in this room. When things get too frightening or painful this is where you go, alright? This room is safe and calming. It's easy to breathe in the blue room. There's noone here but you and Jim. You're safe here."
"I see it. I understand."
"Good. Are you ready to leave here for a while?"
"I can come back?" Blair asked quickly, panic rising in his voice.
"Of course you can, if things get really scary, but for now we have work to do. Are you ready?"
"Yeah. Okay."
"Great. Take me to the black wall, Blair. I know it's hard, but I need your help. You're at the wall, standing at the base of it. Tell me when you're there."
"No.... "
"It's okay. Be strong, Blair. You can do this."
"I... I'm there. I don't wanna be...."
"I know. You said it's totally black, like looking into a night sky without stars or a moon. If you can't use your sight to describe it then use your other senses. What do you smell, taste, hear.... give me everything you can."
"No! I can't. It hurts! It hurts... don't make me do that..."
"What hurts, Blair? Tell me."
"Looking at it... thinking about it.... my head hurts... I wanna go away.... go to the blue..."
"Not yet, Blair. Stay with me for a minute, okay?"
Reaching over, Jarod grasped Jim's hands and placed them around Blair's. "Can you feel that?"
"Someone's holding my hands."
"That's right. Picture a car gas gauge and put it just at the edge of your vision. Jim is holding your hands, Blair. He's here for you to draw strength from when you need it. If it hurts, give him the pain. If you're scared, think about him talking to you, comforting you and it won't be so bad anymore, but if the gauge goes too far toward the empty mark, you have to tell me so we can stop, alright?"
"I understand."
"Very good. Now, face the wall, Blair. Look up at it. Remember you can give Jim the pain and the fear. He won't let anything happen to you and he won't leave you. Let him be strong for you."
Blair whimpered softly, but his chin tilted up as if there were a real surface in front of him.
"Hurts... it's too hard, man. I can't do this..."
"Yes, you can. Use the connection to Jim. Let him take it away."
It took several minutes before Blair's brow smoothed and he began to relax, but by that point Jim's expression said he was in dire need of a handful of buffered aspirin and a straight scotch to wash them down. When Jarod silently questioned him, he only mouthed that the session should continue and refocused on Blair.
"Try again, Blair. This time you'll be able to look at the wall without pain."
"I'm scared..."
"I know. It's okay to be frightened but you have the power here. Take control of the fear. Are you looking at the wall?"
"Yeah. Man, this is so hard..."
"You're safe here, remember. Everything's alright. Try again for your other senses. Tell me."
Abruptly, Blair's nose wrinkled and he pushed back into the couch cushions a little.
"Ughhh! I hate that... get it away!"
"What is it you don't like?"
"The smell... antiseptic, alcohol... ahhhh... that's nasty! Damn...."
"It's okay. You don't smell it anymore. It's totally gone. Alright?
"Yeah. It's gone."
"Good. Go to the next sense."
"Nothing there... or there. This place is totally silent and all I feel is Jim's hands. My mouth tastes... metallic almost. Like I bit my tongue. I hate it when I do that. I always have to drink and drink anything I can get my hands on until I don't taste it anymore."
"Okay. Let's go to the blue room for a minute and take a rest. Peaceful and relaxed, completely at ease. No fear, no stress. Becoming very quiet, your mind is becoming quiet, breathing becoming quiet, heart-rate slowing to normal...."
The three men sat silent and still until Jarod's watch told him a full five minutes had passed. "How do you feel, Blair?"
"Much better. I'm really relaxed."
"That's good. It's time to come out for a while. We'll come back here when we're finished, I promise. It's dark around you again, but the wall is far away. This darkness feels good, calming. I want you to look down a few inches in front of your feet. You're standing at the top of a well-lit flight of stairs. All you can see is this first set of steps, but you can tell it goes on farther than that, down and down. There are ten steps in each flight, including the landing. When I tell you to start, I want you to move slowly down the first set of steps, counting them out loud and stopping on the landing until you're instructed to continue. As you move down, you'll remain relaxed and calm and the answer to the following question will become clearer. What is the key? Do you understand everything I've told you?"
"Yes. I understand."
"Excellent. Begin now."
When Blair reached ten and stopped counting, Jarod prompted him. "What is the key?"
Receiving no response, he sent him down the next flight, and the next, and the next, but still got nothing. About to begin the ninth set of steps, Jarod realized nothing was changing. He decided to finish there and go no deeper, pulling Blair back to the blue room and letting Jim bring him out from there. Blair, however, pleasantly surprised him.
"What is the key?"
"The key is simpatico."
Mildly shocked, Jarod's back straightened and his voice held excitement for the first time in nearly forty minutes.
"Listen very carefully, Blair. When I tell you to begin, I want you to turn and start back up the stairs, taking the key and your relaxed, calm state with you. This time, as you reach each landing you can start up the next flight on your own. Tell me when you reach the darkness at the top."
Ten minutes later, Blair spoke up.
"I'm here."
"Do you still have the key?"
"Yes."
"Very good. The stairs are gone now, but they'll return the next time we need them. I want you to move back to the wall, Blair. I know it's hard but you can do it. Relaxed... and calm. Are you there?"
Though his face betrayed his fear and his words shook, Blair responded.
"Yes."
"Alright. Now lay your hands on the wall."
"No! Don't make me let go! I'll die if I let go!"
"You won't die and you won't lose the connection. Picture him standing right there with you, his hands on your shoulders. Then just let go."
Scribbling a fast note on a pad from the coffee table, Jarod held it up for Jim to read.
ONCE HE'S ABLE TO LET GO, SWITCH YOUR HANDS TO HIS SHOULDERS, BUT DO IT FAST SO THERE'S AS LITTLE LAG TIME AS POSSIBLE. HAVE TO KEEP HIM FEELING SAFE.
Smiling grimly, Jim nodded his understanding. "When you're ready, let go of his hands. You can do it, Blair. You need your hands free. Be brave. Be strong, just like Jim is, like he's shown you how to be. Make him proud of you, Blair. Prove to him you understand what he's taught you. C'mon. That's it. Good. Right. A little more..."
Glancing away from Blair momentarily, Jarod looked to Jim and found the fires in the blue eyes had turned into ice and every ounce of it was being driven in his direction. He met the other's gaze with all the confidence he didn't possess, held it for a long moment, then scribbled something else on the note, held it aloft again and refocused on his subject.
TALK TO HIM. REASSURE HIM YOU DIDN'T JUST VANISH.
"Chief? I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Do what he says. Lay your hands on the wall." Jim told him, his hands now gripping Blair's shoulders firmly.
"Okay. I... I did it." Blair replied, palms lifted in reality as well as in his mind.
"Good job. Breathe deeply and slowly. Close your eyes. In a minute you're going to use the key to bring down this wall. You'll keep your eyes tightly shut until I instruct you to open them. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Alright. Use the key, Blair. Speak it aloud."
"Simpatico."
Blair lurched slightly forward as if he'd lost his balance then began to panic utterly, flailing and kicking, his breathing so wild that Jim was barely able to control him and both he and Jarod feared the young man would hyperventilate.
"Oh God... oh no... I don't wanna be here! Let me out! Oh God, oh God.... Help me! Jim! No,... no,no,no,no... Not here... not again! God save me, please...."
"Come out to the blue room, Blair. You aren't in that frightening place anymore. The blue room. Do you hear me? The blue room. Come out, Blair. Come to the blue room and be safe." Jarod pleaded, unable to breathe properly himself until he saw Blair begin to relax, at which point he let Jim take control and escaped to the farthest point in the apartment he could reach without leaving the loft entirely.
Jim calmed Blair for another few minutes, then brought him out of the hypnosis, wrapping his arms tightly around his young friend, cradling and verbally soothing him down from his intensely terrified state. Like Jarod, he knew something had gone very wrong, but while the newcomer hid in the kitchen blaming himself, Jim's thoughts traveled another track.
"Paxson."
"Please... you have a right to hate me. Just know... I'm... so sorry. I never meant... I have to leave." he choked out, heading for the door.
"Stop. Come here and sit down."
"I can't... Not after what I just did..."
"What you did was something I couldn't have. You knew how to pull him out of wherever he was. You saved his sanity, most likely. Now... come back and sit. Please."
Reluctantly, guilt still dragging his heart practically to the floor, Jarod returned and dropped into the straight-backed kitchen chair. "Will he be alright?"
"I think so. It was only a few seconds. We pulled him out quickly. He should be fine. It will take time to recover fully. For now, just keep reassuring him. Ground him in where he really is, the fact that you're still here."
"Look at me, Chief. C'mon, partner. Say my name, recite the alphabet in Mayan, call me an ass for agreeing to this... anything. Just show me some signs of life."
Gradually, Blair looked up at Jim wearily, but with a wan smile working its way across his mouth.
"Name, rank or serial number. That's all I'm givin' up..."
"I'll take it. Damn, I'm glad you're okay. For a minute there..."
"I know. I wasn't sure I was ever gettin' out of that."
"Well, that's it for hypnosis. No more. I don't ever want to see you... like that again. It's over."
"I can't let it be over, Jim. I have to understand what I saw. I only have half the truth. I can't live with that. If you don't want to be involved... I'll understand, I guess, but I can't let this go now. If I do, I'll always be afraid. I'm sick of being afraid, Jim."
Despite fearing any advice he might toss out would be cruelly rejected out of hand, Jarod spoke up.
"I agree, as long as you're not planning on trying anymore right away. You're exhausted. Your mind and body both need at least one solid night's sleep and a good meal. Give yourself time to recover and begin to process what you've learned."
To his unending relief, and great surprise, Blair smiled over at him as well.
"Trust me, if my mind starts processing that... sleep will be a long time coming."
"Your courage amazes me. Whatever was behind the block... it obviously terrified you. How can you be smiling?"
"Jim. And I quote 'Courage is nothing more than being able to get back up one more time than you get knocked on your butt.' It may take awhile, but no matter what happens... I'll always be okay as long as I can stand up one more time. Man! Food sounds like absolute heaven. Can we eat... like now?" Blair asked, his mind switching tracks as fast as ever as he gazed back to Jim for approval.
"Sure. You feel like staying for lunch, Kyle?"
When he seemed about to decline the offer, Blair spoke up.
"Please stay. I admit I didn't know about that separate room technique. I could have been lost in there and that was an ugly place to be lost, man. You saved me."
"I also got you there in the first place."
"Yeah, that too. I have at least part of the truth now and for that I owe you big-time. Stay? The night too... if you don't mind. I mean... nightmares are pretty much a guarantee tonight. Two friends are better than one, you know?"
Though Blair's reassurances didn't lessen his guilt by much, Jarod smiled lightly and agreed.
"Okay. The couch isn't too lumpy, I hope."
"Nah. It's actually pretty comfortable."
"Good. I'll go get a few things from my hotel and be right back."
Watching Blair move off to the bathroom to splash a little cold water on his face, Jarod took advantage of the opportunity and asked Jim a question he didn't want Blair to hear, then he left.
"Jim. When I suggested Blair give you his pain... were you actually feeling it physically? I couldn't help but notice...."
"Yeah, I was. Freaked me out a little at the time. I think he was just holdin' my hand too tight. It's gone now, though."
"I thought as much." Jarod mumbled, strolling out the door and skipping down the stairs before Jim had a chance to question him.
Despite mutually agreeing on the hour they would all head to bed that night, the three men sat up an hour and a half beyond the curfew, talking, laughing and trying to avoid difficult subjects and the tension that went with them.
Eventually, Jim realized Blair was moments away from falling face first onto the table and ordered him to bed. Almost as tired, the other two were not far behind but, as Blair had predicted, rest was short lived for all.
Jarod rose and went to his side to comfort him after the first nightmare, but gave way to Jim the second time. When the sobs and screams faded, but Jim did not emerge, Jarod walked just to the door and saw Jim asleep on the floor by Blair's bed. He quickly, and silently, retreated to his couch. Blair did not wake again the rest of the night.
((((((((((((((((((((
The following morning, after completing their morning necessities privately, Jim and Blair emerged much more alert and cheerful than either had been the previous day. When Blair spotted Jarod leaning against the wall near the door with his chin deeply sunk into his chest, he shot a glance at his partner that alerted him to damp his enthusiasm.
"You okay, Kyle?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I was just waiting for you both to be here so I could say good-bye. I need to be getting back to my hotel."
Striding swiftly to where the other stood, Jim laid a firm hand on Jarod's forearm and tilted his face up with the other hand.
"We only have one house rule for friends. Little white lies are still lies and they aren't welcome here."
Gently removing Jim's hands, Jarod met his gaze evenly as he replied.
"I'd like to consider you both friends, but what you don't know about me could fill a set of encyclopedias... and put you in grave danger."
Smiling, Jim grasped both Jarod's arms this time. "I've been there before. You're in the inner circle now and you're not getting out, so you might as well tell the truth. What's bugging you?"
"I... Something I thought Blair said last night... after he woke up that first time. We may have something big to talk about later... I need time and a little space to straighten it out in my head... time to be absolutely sure before I say anything. I promise I'll be back."
"No, no, no. If you're holding back intel we have a right to, you spill it..."
Sensing the mule in Jim's personality preparing to surface, Blair stepped between Jarod and his partner, throwing Jarod a tight, apologetic, smile.
"I warned you. It's a cop thing. Go on. When you get back we'll sit down and we'll see... what we see. Jim. Enough with the paranoia stuff, okay? Chill."
Silent, Jarod finally broke eye contact with Jim and moved out of the loft and down the stairs to his car.
Almost two hours later, Jarod sat in one of the kitchen chairs a few feet behind the couch watching Blair and Jim work and stunned by the amount of trust and faith he could sense flowing between the two. He had never experienced anything like it. To him, it seemed the two men were parts of a whole, two halves of one spirit who both knew they had found their place.
Feeling Blair had had enough for a while, he caught Jim's eye and tilted his head toward the kitchen. The other acknowledged the signal and turned back to bring his partner out.
"Okay. Time to find your peaceful place. Go there now. In a minute I'll begin to bring you back up to the light. Drifting in the warm water, breathing easily, let the tension and stress go. Let it float out of your body, let it float away. Good. Counting back from five. When I reach one, you'll be fully awake and aware, feeling refreshed and remembering everything that's passed between us. Five; floating upward now, slowly up. Four; coming up at just the right speed, breathing gently. Three; closer to the surface, the light's getting brighter. Two; rising to the light, you can almost touch it now. One. Welcome back, buddy."
"Must be break time." Blair grunted, stretching his neck. "Damn. We'll have to supplement that instruction about the tension and stress. It's having less and less effect."
Turning Blair to face away from him, Jim vigorously massaged from the shoulders up through the back of his guide's neck then back down. "Ohh. Better. Thanks, man."
"Anytime. Stay here and stretch a little. I'll be back."
Blair grunted his assent and his disappointment with another failed attempt as he slowly pulled his left hand around to the right side of his body. Jim rose stiffly and walked back into the kitchen where Jarod waited for him. "So? Anything?"
"Several things. How long have you been working with him on this phobia?"
"I don't know. Six weeks, maybe."
"And he's never gotten any further than where he is now?"
"Not an inch. If you've figured something out, spill it. Is it me? Am I using the wrong words or am I backing off when I should push..."
"No. Your technique is fine. It just won't work in this case."
"What are you saying, that it's him?"
"In a way. He trusts you completely, detective. He couldn't be any more open to your suggestions and instructions if he tried. You still can't get through. That tells me there's something else going on here."
"Like what?"
"Like this blackness he's trying to fight his way through is artificial."
"Artificial. You mean he didn't create this... black wall he keeps talking about?"
"Exactly. Someone else put it there and only they, and Blair, hold the key to pulling it down."
"But if he has the solution to it, why..."
"Think about standing on the beach and heaving a sea shell as hard as you can out into the ocean. How easy would it be to find it? His subconscious is about as deep and wide as that ocean and we're probably talking about trying to find one, maybe two specific words. It could take minutes or it could take years."
"Or it might never happen."
"And the deeper you dig, the more dangerous it is for the one under hypnosis. Do you really want to know what lives at the bottom of your subconscious?"
"Probably something that would make Godzilla look like a day at Disneyland."
"Probably."
"I don't get this. It's not like Blair's a CIA spy or an alien abductee or anything. He isn't holding state secrets or the blueprints to a nuclear missile in his head."
"Nothing but the truth behind his iatrophobia. It doesn't make much sense to me either, but then phobias rarely do."
"I've just been trying to get him through to the source of his fear so he can get past it, but if I even say the word hospital or doctor while he's under he shuts down so completely I have trouble even bringing him out."
"I understand. Unusual... He has to be told about this, detective. That's the only thing there's no question about."
"Jim. Call me Jim, okay?"
"Sorry. Jim. If you'd rather I..."
"No. I'll do it. How, I don't know... but I'll think of something. I always do."
"Be straightforward. Just tell him."
Shooting Jarod a swift, dubious, expression, Jim moved back and reclaimed his seat beside Blair.
"I don't like that expression, Jim. What did Kyle say? Did he see something? Does he know why this is happening?"
"Yeah, he thinks so, Chief. The problem isn't you or me. Well, not exactly anyway. He.... he seems to think this block you're fighting is artificial, not something you created. Someone else put this so-called 'black wall" in your head."
"You can't be serious. That's.... Oh, no, no, no. That's just ridiculous.... Kyle?"
Dragging his chair a little closer, Jarod tried his best to expand on Jim's basic description.
"It's the only explanation that fits. As strange as it sounds, someone doesn't want you to understand why you fear hospitals so deeply. The block appears to be very powerful. You may not be able to break it.... ever."
Hopelessness beginning to crack the edges of the desire he'd held to so strongly for so many months, Blair steadied himself, then gazed up at Jarod, voicing his last chance at finding real peace.
"But you can?"
"No. What I mean is, I won't even try. I promised both of you that I wouldn't interfere. I've broken that already. I have no right to go any further..."
"Even if I ask? Hell with it, I am asking. Please. Help me."
Gazing from Blair to Jim, Jarod found fires blazing hotly in the older man's eyes; fires of passionate caring and a powerful need to shield his younger partner from any more pain, sorrow or frustration.
"If you're both sure you want this.... there is one thing I could try. I won't guarantee anything."
"Are you positive... that someone else did this to me?" Blair asked, his eyes on Jim, his hands shaking almost imperceptibly.
"As badly as you want this, if you'd hidden this memory from yourself, I have to believe you'd have uncovered it by now, or at least part of it. Yes. I'm positive."
"Then do it. You can't possibly be any less successful than we were."
"I agree." Jim acceded. "Anything is better than going nowhere. I'll follow whatever directions you give me to the letter. Just tell me what to do."
"Okay. Blair. Are you too tired to go on now? Do you want to wait until tomorrow or the next day?"
"Forget that. I'm a little tired, but most of what's wearin' me out is fightin' the stupid memory block. Get me through it... and trust me, the last thing I'll be ready to do is sleep."
"Let's hope I can help then. Go ahead and put him back under, Jim."
"Me? I thought this was your show from here on in."
"You've been the one working with him all this time. It's your voice, your intonation he responds to. Go on."
Once Blair was deeply hypnotized, Jim gave Blair a command that allowed him to hear and answer Jarod's questions and directives as well as those given by his partner.
"Blair. This is Kyle. Can you hear and understand me?"
"Perfectly."
"Good. Tell me where you are."
"The loft. Jim's apartment."
"How are you feeling right now?"
"Not so good. Tense, worried."
"Can you identify the source of those feelings?"
"I haven't been able to make any progress in my sessions with Jim. I thought this would be so easy when we started, but... it's nothing but a mess."
"How so? What caused it to become a mess?"
"I don't know... I just... don't know. I kept coming up against this wall that I couldn't get past. It made me so... so mad... and scared." Blair responded, becoming visibly upset as he voiced the loss of control he still felt when discussing his failure at breaching the memory block.
Seeing how disturbed the younger man was, Jarod calmed him with a common technique he'd learned long ago.
"Where do you feel safest, Blair? Where is the one place noone can hurt you?"
"With Jim... anywhere with Jim. He's my best friend.... Blessed Protector. I'm always safe with Jim."
Jarod shot Jim a brief upraised eyebrow at the unfamiliar term, but the other was utterly focused on Blair and took no notice.
"I want you to picture yourself standing in a small room, Blair. It's painted light blue. The whole room, every surface, is light blue. Jim is standing right beside you in this room. When things get too frightening or painful this is where you go, alright? This room is safe and calming. It's easy to breathe in the blue room. There's noone here but you and Jim. You're safe here."
"I see it. I understand."
"Good. Are you ready to leave here for a while?"
"I can come back?" Blair asked quickly, panic rising in his voice.
"Of course you can, if things get really scary, but for now we have work to do. Are you ready?"
"Yeah. Okay."
"Great. Take me to the black wall, Blair. I know it's hard, but I need your help. You're at the wall, standing at the base of it. Tell me when you're there."
"No.... "
"It's okay. Be strong, Blair. You can do this."
"I... I'm there. I don't wanna be...."
"I know. You said it's totally black, like looking into a night sky without stars or a moon. If you can't use your sight to describe it then use your other senses. What do you smell, taste, hear.... give me everything you can."
"No! I can't. It hurts! It hurts... don't make me do that..."
"What hurts, Blair? Tell me."
"Looking at it... thinking about it.... my head hurts... I wanna go away.... go to the blue..."
"Not yet, Blair. Stay with me for a minute, okay?"
Reaching over, Jarod grasped Jim's hands and placed them around Blair's. "Can you feel that?"
"Someone's holding my hands."
"That's right. Picture a car gas gauge and put it just at the edge of your vision. Jim is holding your hands, Blair. He's here for you to draw strength from when you need it. If it hurts, give him the pain. If you're scared, think about him talking to you, comforting you and it won't be so bad anymore, but if the gauge goes too far toward the empty mark, you have to tell me so we can stop, alright?"
"I understand."
"Very good. Now, face the wall, Blair. Look up at it. Remember you can give Jim the pain and the fear. He won't let anything happen to you and he won't leave you. Let him be strong for you."
Blair whimpered softly, but his chin tilted up as if there were a real surface in front of him.
"Hurts... it's too hard, man. I can't do this..."
"Yes, you can. Use the connection to Jim. Let him take it away."
It took several minutes before Blair's brow smoothed and he began to relax, but by that point Jim's expression said he was in dire need of a handful of buffered aspirin and a straight scotch to wash them down. When Jarod silently questioned him, he only mouthed that the session should continue and refocused on Blair.
"Try again, Blair. This time you'll be able to look at the wall without pain."
"I'm scared..."
"I know. It's okay to be frightened but you have the power here. Take control of the fear. Are you looking at the wall?"
"Yeah. Man, this is so hard..."
"You're safe here, remember. Everything's alright. Try again for your other senses. Tell me."
Abruptly, Blair's nose wrinkled and he pushed back into the couch cushions a little.
"Ughhh! I hate that... get it away!"
"What is it you don't like?"
"The smell... antiseptic, alcohol... ahhhh... that's nasty! Damn...."
"It's okay. You don't smell it anymore. It's totally gone. Alright?
"Yeah. It's gone."
"Good. Go to the next sense."
"Nothing there... or there. This place is totally silent and all I feel is Jim's hands. My mouth tastes... metallic almost. Like I bit my tongue. I hate it when I do that. I always have to drink and drink anything I can get my hands on until I don't taste it anymore."
"Okay. Let's go to the blue room for a minute and take a rest. Peaceful and relaxed, completely at ease. No fear, no stress. Becoming very quiet, your mind is becoming quiet, breathing becoming quiet, heart-rate slowing to normal...."
The three men sat silent and still until Jarod's watch told him a full five minutes had passed. "How do you feel, Blair?"
"Much better. I'm really relaxed."
"That's good. It's time to come out for a while. We'll come back here when we're finished, I promise. It's dark around you again, but the wall is far away. This darkness feels good, calming. I want you to look down a few inches in front of your feet. You're standing at the top of a well-lit flight of stairs. All you can see is this first set of steps, but you can tell it goes on farther than that, down and down. There are ten steps in each flight, including the landing. When I tell you to start, I want you to move slowly down the first set of steps, counting them out loud and stopping on the landing until you're instructed to continue. As you move down, you'll remain relaxed and calm and the answer to the following question will become clearer. What is the key? Do you understand everything I've told you?"
"Yes. I understand."
"Excellent. Begin now."
When Blair reached ten and stopped counting, Jarod prompted him. "What is the key?"
Receiving no response, he sent him down the next flight, and the next, and the next, but still got nothing. About to begin the ninth set of steps, Jarod realized nothing was changing. He decided to finish there and go no deeper, pulling Blair back to the blue room and letting Jim bring him out from there. Blair, however, pleasantly surprised him.
"What is the key?"
"The key is simpatico."
Mildly shocked, Jarod's back straightened and his voice held excitement for the first time in nearly forty minutes.
"Listen very carefully, Blair. When I tell you to begin, I want you to turn and start back up the stairs, taking the key and your relaxed, calm state with you. This time, as you reach each landing you can start up the next flight on your own. Tell me when you reach the darkness at the top."
Ten minutes later, Blair spoke up.
"I'm here."
"Do you still have the key?"
"Yes."
"Very good. The stairs are gone now, but they'll return the next time we need them. I want you to move back to the wall, Blair. I know it's hard but you can do it. Relaxed... and calm. Are you there?"
Though his face betrayed his fear and his words shook, Blair responded.
"Yes."
"Alright. Now lay your hands on the wall."
"No! Don't make me let go! I'll die if I let go!"
"You won't die and you won't lose the connection. Picture him standing right there with you, his hands on your shoulders. Then just let go."
Scribbling a fast note on a pad from the coffee table, Jarod held it up for Jim to read.
ONCE HE'S ABLE TO LET GO, SWITCH YOUR HANDS TO HIS SHOULDERS, BUT DO IT FAST SO THERE'S AS LITTLE LAG TIME AS POSSIBLE. HAVE TO KEEP HIM FEELING SAFE.
Smiling grimly, Jim nodded his understanding. "When you're ready, let go of his hands. You can do it, Blair. You need your hands free. Be brave. Be strong, just like Jim is, like he's shown you how to be. Make him proud of you, Blair. Prove to him you understand what he's taught you. C'mon. That's it. Good. Right. A little more..."
Glancing away from Blair momentarily, Jarod looked to Jim and found the fires in the blue eyes had turned into ice and every ounce of it was being driven in his direction. He met the other's gaze with all the confidence he didn't possess, held it for a long moment, then scribbled something else on the note, held it aloft again and refocused on his subject.
TALK TO HIM. REASSURE HIM YOU DIDN'T JUST VANISH.
"Chief? I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Do what he says. Lay your hands on the wall." Jim told him, his hands now gripping Blair's shoulders firmly.
"Okay. I... I did it." Blair replied, palms lifted in reality as well as in his mind.
"Good job. Breathe deeply and slowly. Close your eyes. In a minute you're going to use the key to bring down this wall. You'll keep your eyes tightly shut until I instruct you to open them. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Alright. Use the key, Blair. Speak it aloud."
"Simpatico."
Blair lurched slightly forward as if he'd lost his balance then began to panic utterly, flailing and kicking, his breathing so wild that Jim was barely able to control him and both he and Jarod feared the young man would hyperventilate.
"Oh God... oh no... I don't wanna be here! Let me out! Oh God, oh God.... Help me! Jim! No,... no,no,no,no... Not here... not again! God save me, please...."
"Come out to the blue room, Blair. You aren't in that frightening place anymore. The blue room. Do you hear me? The blue room. Come out, Blair. Come to the blue room and be safe." Jarod pleaded, unable to breathe properly himself until he saw Blair begin to relax, at which point he let Jim take control and escaped to the farthest point in the apartment he could reach without leaving the loft entirely.
Jim calmed Blair for another few minutes, then brought him out of the hypnosis, wrapping his arms tightly around his young friend, cradling and verbally soothing him down from his intensely terrified state. Like Jarod, he knew something had gone very wrong, but while the newcomer hid in the kitchen blaming himself, Jim's thoughts traveled another track.
"Paxson."
"Please... you have a right to hate me. Just know... I'm... so sorry. I never meant... I have to leave." he choked out, heading for the door.
"Stop. Come here and sit down."
"I can't... Not after what I just did..."
"What you did was something I couldn't have. You knew how to pull him out of wherever he was. You saved his sanity, most likely. Now... come back and sit. Please."
Reluctantly, guilt still dragging his heart practically to the floor, Jarod returned and dropped into the straight-backed kitchen chair. "Will he be alright?"
"I think so. It was only a few seconds. We pulled him out quickly. He should be fine. It will take time to recover fully. For now, just keep reassuring him. Ground him in where he really is, the fact that you're still here."
"Look at me, Chief. C'mon, partner. Say my name, recite the alphabet in Mayan, call me an ass for agreeing to this... anything. Just show me some signs of life."
Gradually, Blair looked up at Jim wearily, but with a wan smile working its way across his mouth.
"Name, rank or serial number. That's all I'm givin' up..."
"I'll take it. Damn, I'm glad you're okay. For a minute there..."
"I know. I wasn't sure I was ever gettin' out of that."
"Well, that's it for hypnosis. No more. I don't ever want to see you... like that again. It's over."
"I can't let it be over, Jim. I have to understand what I saw. I only have half the truth. I can't live with that. If you don't want to be involved... I'll understand, I guess, but I can't let this go now. If I do, I'll always be afraid. I'm sick of being afraid, Jim."
Despite fearing any advice he might toss out would be cruelly rejected out of hand, Jarod spoke up.
"I agree, as long as you're not planning on trying anymore right away. You're exhausted. Your mind and body both need at least one solid night's sleep and a good meal. Give yourself time to recover and begin to process what you've learned."
To his unending relief, and great surprise, Blair smiled over at him as well.
"Trust me, if my mind starts processing that... sleep will be a long time coming."
"Your courage amazes me. Whatever was behind the block... it obviously terrified you. How can you be smiling?"
"Jim. And I quote 'Courage is nothing more than being able to get back up one more time than you get knocked on your butt.' It may take awhile, but no matter what happens... I'll always be okay as long as I can stand up one more time. Man! Food sounds like absolute heaven. Can we eat... like now?" Blair asked, his mind switching tracks as fast as ever as he gazed back to Jim for approval.
"Sure. You feel like staying for lunch, Kyle?"
When he seemed about to decline the offer, Blair spoke up.
"Please stay. I admit I didn't know about that separate room technique. I could have been lost in there and that was an ugly place to be lost, man. You saved me."
"I also got you there in the first place."
"Yeah, that too. I have at least part of the truth now and for that I owe you big-time. Stay? The night too... if you don't mind. I mean... nightmares are pretty much a guarantee tonight. Two friends are better than one, you know?"
Though Blair's reassurances didn't lessen his guilt by much, Jarod smiled lightly and agreed.
"Okay. The couch isn't too lumpy, I hope."
"Nah. It's actually pretty comfortable."
"Good. I'll go get a few things from my hotel and be right back."
Watching Blair move off to the bathroom to splash a little cold water on his face, Jarod took advantage of the opportunity and asked Jim a question he didn't want Blair to hear, then he left.
"Jim. When I suggested Blair give you his pain... were you actually feeling it physically? I couldn't help but notice...."
"Yeah, I was. Freaked me out a little at the time. I think he was just holdin' my hand too tight. It's gone now, though."
"I thought as much." Jarod mumbled, strolling out the door and skipping down the stairs before Jim had a chance to question him.
Despite mutually agreeing on the hour they would all head to bed that night, the three men sat up an hour and a half beyond the curfew, talking, laughing and trying to avoid difficult subjects and the tension that went with them.
Eventually, Jim realized Blair was moments away from falling face first onto the table and ordered him to bed. Almost as tired, the other two were not far behind but, as Blair had predicted, rest was short lived for all.
Jarod rose and went to his side to comfort him after the first nightmare, but gave way to Jim the second time. When the sobs and screams faded, but Jim did not emerge, Jarod walked just to the door and saw Jim asleep on the floor by Blair's bed. He quickly, and silently, retreated to his couch. Blair did not wake again the rest of the night.
((((((((((((((((((((
The following morning, after completing their morning necessities privately, Jim and Blair emerged much more alert and cheerful than either had been the previous day. When Blair spotted Jarod leaning against the wall near the door with his chin deeply sunk into his chest, he shot a glance at his partner that alerted him to damp his enthusiasm.
"You okay, Kyle?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I was just waiting for you both to be here so I could say good-bye. I need to be getting back to my hotel."
Striding swiftly to where the other stood, Jim laid a firm hand on Jarod's forearm and tilted his face up with the other hand.
"We only have one house rule for friends. Little white lies are still lies and they aren't welcome here."
Gently removing Jim's hands, Jarod met his gaze evenly as he replied.
"I'd like to consider you both friends, but what you don't know about me could fill a set of encyclopedias... and put you in grave danger."
Smiling, Jim grasped both Jarod's arms this time. "I've been there before. You're in the inner circle now and you're not getting out, so you might as well tell the truth. What's bugging you?"
"I... Something I thought Blair said last night... after he woke up that first time. We may have something big to talk about later... I need time and a little space to straighten it out in my head... time to be absolutely sure before I say anything. I promise I'll be back."
"No, no, no. If you're holding back intel we have a right to, you spill it..."
Sensing the mule in Jim's personality preparing to surface, Blair stepped between Jarod and his partner, throwing Jarod a tight, apologetic, smile.
"I warned you. It's a cop thing. Go on. When you get back we'll sit down and we'll see... what we see. Jim. Enough with the paranoia stuff, okay? Chill."
Silent, Jarod finally broke eye contact with Jim and moved out of the loft and down the stairs to his car.
