Table of Contents [Report This]
by Brynna and Trixie
Disclaimer: The characters portrayed in this fan fiction belong to NBC and any other copyright holders. No infringement is intended.
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"JAROD!"
Miss Parker's voice echoes above the din of the cat walk as Jarod rushes across it. "STOP!"
Jarod glances back at her and continues moving across the catwalk. Miss Parker sighs deeply and places her gun in the waist band of her pants, taking a deep breath, holding on tightly to the railing, then dropping over the edge, landing about five feet in front of Jarod. She grabs her gun and levels it at him. "I said stop," she grits out.
Jarod looks from her face to the gun and back again. "I'm stopped."
Miss Parker takes a deep breath and motions with the gun. "Move it. Over there." She inclines her head toward a small closet off to the side.
Jarod glances over at the closet and shuts his eyes for a moment. He opens them and looks back at her. "Stop. Move. Stop. Move. Make up your mind already."
"It's made. Move. When you get into the closet, stop." She gives him a 'like duh, stupid' look. "Go."
Jarod smiles a little menacingly. "I'd really rather not."
Miss Parker steps behind him and places the gun in the small of his back. "I don't care what you'd rather do. In five minutes, ten of Mr. Raines sweepers will pile through that door. Would you rather deal with me, or them?"
Jarod turns his head looking behind him at her. "You really that possessive you can't let anyone else bring me in?"
"I'm really that possessive. I prefer you stay alive." She pokes him in the back again. "Move Jarod. Now."
Jarod stumbles a little and starts moving forward very slowly. "Since when do you care whether I live or die, Miss Parker?"
"I've always cared," she mutters. "It's why you're still alive. I've had many clear shots." She pushes him harder. "MOVE!"
Jarod keeps moving slowly, but speeding up a little. "And here I always thought it was because someone else always got in the way of the bullet."
"You think I didn't have the strength to push Syd or Angelo out of the way?" she asks in an acidic tone. She pushes his back hard again, propelling them both to the door. She flings it open and shoves him inside. She shuts the door, locking, and taking her first real deep breath of the day.
Jarod blinks his eyes a few times and looks around the small closet. He paces the eight by ten area for a few moments before sinking down into a small ball in the corner, staring at the door. "Shit," Miss Parker mutters. She drops her gun to the floor and kneels down in the tiny area, looking him in the eye. "Jarod, I know you hate little spaces. I hate 'em too. But believe
me, this closet is preferable to out there."
Jarod flicks his eyes from the door to her face and back to the door. "What are you doing?"
"Keeping you alive," she grits out in a pained voice. "Raines gave the order this morning. They don't want you back anymore Jarod. They just want you dead."
Jarod sighs. "Took them long enough. So what are you going to do with me?"
"I'm going to let you go. As soon as it's safe, and they're gone, I'm going to let you go." She looks at him carefully. "You have to cut all ties with the Centre. No more phone calls, no more little 'fuck you, I'm free and I can destroy you' plots on the computer. No contact. Disappear Jarod. I know you can."
Jarod turns his head and looks her in the eye. "Why are you doing this? And don't tell me to keep me alive. Why?"
"I refuse to engage in some trite exchange of pleasantries as to why I'm doing this. It would sound corny and ridiculous. Just go with it," she says in a guttural insistent voice.
Jarod leans forward and grasps her face between his hands. "Why?" he asks in a harsh tone. "I don't want your bullshit. I want the truth. For once. Indulge me. You've got me in a little room. You have the ability to hold me here at gun point. Just enlighten me as to why you would in turn, let me go."
"I have the ability to hold you at gun point, but I'm not," She hooks a finger behind her. "Gun's over there on the floor somewhere."
Jarod lightly shakes her, his hands still grasping her face. "Why?!" he asks sharply.
"Because I care about you Jarod," she grits out. "I always have. You were my only friend. I've realized some things over the course of the last three years. Isn't that enough?" she asks, almost desperately.
Jarod looks into her eyes, his searching her carefully, intently. He lets go of her face and leans back into the corner again. "It's enough. For now."
Miss Parker nods slowly. "Thanks for letting me know when I was allowed to stop speaking," she says in a shaky voice that tries to be tough. She runs a hand through her hair.
Jarod shrugs off handedly, his eyes focused back on the door. "I'm surprised you spoke that much."
"You had my face held so tightly I was afraid you were cutting off blood," she mumbles.
Jarod shakes his head a little. "I wouldn't have hurt you and you know it."
"Just like you know I'd never hurt you?" she asks in a sarcastic voice.
Jarod looks back at her, his eyes narrowed. "Do you want me to push? Do you want me to make you say the things that are in your head that you don't want to say out loud? Cause I can."
Miss Parker shakes a little. "Maybe I feel like it's all been in there too long and it's slowly starting to drive me insane," she says in low, intense voice.
Jarod raises an eyebrow. "So you do want me to force you to tell me?"
"You know if I actually manage to sleep at night, I wake up screaming from terror?" she asks in a distracted tone. "I would kill to have someone hold me sometimes, but I can't. Because if I let anybody in, they'll be the worse for it." She blinks and looks at him. "I kill people's souls," she says simply.
"Is that what has you so scared? That you think you're just going to be he one to finally kill my spirit? Kill my soul? Is that it?"
"More like suck it dry," she mutters bitterly.
Jarod shakes his head. "If they haven't done it yet, you can't."
She shuts her eyes, her entire body shaking subtly. "You have no idea Jarod," she murmurs. "No idea how hard it would be," she mutters a little disjointedly.
"Try me," he says in a soft voice.
"I'm scared to say it out loud," she admits in a little girl's voice.
Jarod leans forward again, cupping her face in his hands, this time gently. "You don't have to be afraid with me."
Miss Parker's face crumbles a little. "You already know," she murmurs. "I said it once when were children."
Jarod strokes his thumbs over her cheeks gently. "I don't need to hear it. You said you need to say it."
"I love you Jarod," she says on a silent sob. She shuts her eyes tightly, as though anticipating a blow.
Jarod leans forward a little more and wraps his arms around her waist. "Was that as hard as it looked?"
She nods a little. "Harder," she murmurs, her arms hanging at her sides, her hands fisting.
Jarod nods, tightening his arms a little. "I figured."
Miss Parker lifts her head, her ears visibly perking up. "I hear something," she mutters.
Jarod leans back a little, looking at her. "What?"
"Sweepers," she murmurs. "They're on silent." She looks around frantically, finding and picking up her gun, checking to make sure the clip was in firmly. "Stay here," she tells him firmly. She stands up shakily and takes a few breaths, brushing her hair back from her face.
Jarod looks up at her. "I will. Be careful."
Miss Parker nods, once and opens the door, peeking out. "All clear!" she yells, slamming the door shut and walking into the fray.
~~~~~
Miss Parker takes a deep, fortifying breath, standing outside her father's office. She slowly opens the door and walks in, feigning a commanding air over the room. "You wanted to see me Daddy?" she asks tightly.
Mr. Parker glances up from his desk, a steely expression on his face. "I've been hearing things that are very disconcerting about your actions recently."
Miss Parker swallows. "Disconcerting how?" sh asks casually.
Mr. Parker thumbs through some papers on his desk. "I understand," he says hardly, looking up at her, "that you let Jarod go."
Miss Parker licks her lips. "Actually, Daddy, he got away. He was never there once I'd arrived."
Mr. Parker stands up. He walks around his desk, standing directly in front of her. "Your eyes betray you. They always have. You let him go."
Miss Parker looks into his eyes defiantly. "What would you know about my eyes?" she asks harshly. "You have never been around long enough to learn how to read them."
Mr. Parker narrows his eyes a little and leans a hand over his desk, picking up the phone. He hits a button and speaks sharply into the receiver. "Come in here." He hangs up the phone.
"Mr. Raines and I have been conferring, and we've decided that you're behavior and betrayal of the Centre need to be rectified."
"Rectified how?" she asks in a tone that hides her fear.
Mr. Parker raises an eyebrow. "I believe you know." He looks behind her as two sweepers walk into the room, one with a syringe in his hand. The sweeper with the needled walks up behind Miss Parker and injects the substance into her arm. Miss Parker's eyes roll into the back of her head and collapses to the floor. Mr. Parker nods at the sweepers. "Take her down
to Jarod's old room."
~~~~~
Miss Parker slowly comes awake in the small cell. Her entire body twitches once and she sits up, groaning loudly and clutching the side of her head when a sharp, shooting pain runs through it. The room is disjointed and things look off. She feels the back of her arm where the needle went in. She wonders briefly what they gave her, then decides it was probably the standard hallucinogen and psychotic. She starts to twitch a little bit more, feeling the drug overtake her body. She unconsciously scratches along her arms and legs, looking down and letting out an ear piercing scream when she sees spiders crawling over her body. "Jesus! Help! Get them OFF ME!!" she screams, vacillating between high piercing and low guttural. She
claws at her skin, nails breaking it and drawing blood.
Suddenly the spiders are gone and she stands up quickly, too quickly, clutching the side of her head as another sharp pain runs through it. She looks around the cell helplessly, searching, needing a way out. She can hear them laughing at her. All of them. Daddy. . . Raines. . . Jarod. . . Sydney. . . Broots. . . cold, cruel laughter. A hand snakes around her waist and pulls her
back against the wall. She lets out another scream. "Shh," a voice mutters in her ear. "It's okay."
She blinks and she looks around. Nothing's there. She begins to twitch again, eyes darting around the room helplessly. The door opens and she flips her head around. A large figure she can't quite make out grabs her around the waist and heaves her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. She beats at his back and claws at him, screaming as loudly as she can as she's carried into the Sim lab.
~~~~~
Sydney looks at his watch again, frowning. Miss Parker was almost thirty minutes late. Miss Parker was never thirty seconds late. He slowly stands and walks from his office to Mr. Parker's. "Excuse me, have you seen your daughter today? We had an appointment half an hour ago."
Mr. Parker glances up at Sydney. "She won't be keeping any appointments that she has for a good while."
Sydney narrows his eyes. "May I ask why?" he asks suspiciously.
Mr. Parker rifles through some papers on his desk, not looking back at Sydney. "She's elsewhere, and will be there for an undetermined length of time."
"Where is she?" he bites out.
Mr. Parker stands up and walks to the door of his office, opening it. "I have an appointment with Mr. Raines in five minutes, if you'll excuse me."
Sydney walks out of the office quickly, a feeling of dread creeping over him. He hurries down to the Sim Lab. He watches them put her in the sensory depravation tank before a large sweeper informs him this area is currently off limits to all unauthorized personal. Sydney practically runs back to his office, grabbing his cell phone and dialing Jarod's number.
Jarod answers on the second ring. "Hello?"
"Jarod she needs your help," he says quickly.
Jarod leans against the wall he's standing next to. "What did they do to her?"
"They have her in the Tank," he says slowly. "They did the standard, I'm sure. Shot her up, locked her in the cell until she woke up, then took her straight to the lab. Mr. Parker told me she'd be unavailable for quite some time."
Jarod shuts his eyes and balls his hands into fists, resting the cell phone between his shoulder and his ear. "How long has she been in there? Do you know?"
Sydney looks at his watch. "They were putting her in fifteen minutes ago."
Jarod takes a couple of unsteady breaths. "If only she hadn't let me go. That's why they did this."
"Let you go?" Sydney asks, confusion in his voice.
Jarod sighs. "She finally admitted a few things to herself, and to me, that she's been keeping bottled up. And she let me go."
"Well they found out somehow," Sydney says slowly. "Because Raines has a new Pretender now."
Jarod shakes his head. "Not yet he doesn't. It's not going to get to that point. I'm going to get her outta there."
"What can I do to help?"
Jarod sighs. "I'll call you when I get closer. I'm going to need a distraction to get in, and I'll be fine to get out."
Sydney nods, once. "All right. Good luck Jarod."
Jarod takes another deep breath. "Thanks for calling me Syd."
"Thanks for trusting me with the ability to Jarod," Sydney says softly.
Jarod sighs. "I'll talk to you soon Syd." He hangs up the phone and darts his eyes around the room, grabbing for his jacket and his wallet and heading out the door.
~~~~~
Light pierces Miss Parker's face after four hours in the sensory depravation tank. "Throw her in the water," Raines wheezes. Miss Parker is hurled into a tank of water, then lid closing over it. She panics for a moment, then tells herself to stay calm, panicking will only make her drown faster. She opens her eyes under the water, staring out and seeing nothing but Raines
and his sweeper. Raines looks down at his stop watch. "One minute," he wheezes. "Minute twenty." He waits. "Minute thirty." He smiles evilly. "Minute forty."
Miss Parker feels herself starting to lose consciousness and the urge to breath in is almost overwhelming. "Minute fifty," Raines continues. "Two minutes. Two minutes ten." Miss Parker feels her heart stop and she loses consciousness. "Two minutes twenty. Take her out."
The sweeper opens the tank and lifts her from it, setting her on a table and ripping open her shirt, taking out paddles. After a few tense moments, a small blip appears on the machines she'd been hooked up to. Slowly, her heartbeat returns. Her eyes fly open and she gasps air. Mr. Raines looks down at her. "Put her in the box," he wheezes.
The sweeper lifts her off the table, peeling away her torn blouse and tosses her in a small little round box that looks almost like a dog house. She has to curl her arms around her legs into a little ball to fit inside. She can't move, she can't see. She couldn't see before. She hadn't been able to see since she came out of the tank.
~~~~~
Jarod sits in the car, half a mile down the road from the Centre. He pulls out his cell phone and dials Sydney's number. Sydney picks up on the first ring. "Sydney."
"I'm five minutes away."
"I'll be ready."
Jarod nods. "Thank you."
"No thanks necessary." Sydney disconnects.
Jarod tosses the cell phone in the passengers seat of the car and turns around, driving down the road to the Centre.
~~~~~
"FIRE!" a sweeper yells, running out of Mr. Parker's office. Sydney stands on the opposite wall, chuckling softly. He turns and walks away, heading back to his office as the fire grows and spread into the hall.
~~~~~
Amid the commotion, Jarod ducks into the Centre, heading straight for the Sim Lab. The lab is empty. Miss Parker is still curled in the box, having been in there for almost two hours now. Silent tears fall down her cheeks because she found when she sobbed, it constricted her weight to the point that she couldn't breathe. Jarod locks his eyes on the box and quickly moves over to it, opening it. He lets out a ragged breath and reaches his hands inside, gently pulling her out. She struggles and lets out a few whimpers. "God no more," she moans.
Jarod wraps his arm around her waist, steadying her a little. "Shh. It's okay," he whispers in her ear.
Miss Parker stares blankly at the other end of the room and clutches his arm. "Jarod?" she asks in a hopeful, unsure voice.
Jarod's arm tightens. "Yeah. Come on, we're getting out of here."
Miss Parker's knees buckle. "Jarod, I can't. . . . Oh God Jarod I can't see. . . my legs are numb. ."
Jarod wraps his free arm under her knees and picks her up. "We have to get out of here."
Miss Parker nods, laying her head on his shoulder. "Okay."
Jarod tightens his arms around her and quickly heads out of the room, making his way back to the back entrance he got in from, occasionally ducking into dark corners to avoid sweepers. He gets them outside and through the garden to the other side of the wall where his car is. He opens the passenger door of the car and carefully sets her in the seat. Miss Parker curls her body back into a ball, wrapping her arms around her knees and lying her cheek against her arm. Jarod shuts the door and moves around the car to the driver's side, getting in and driving away quickly.
~~~~~
Miss Parker opens her eyes quickly, only to find herself stillsurrounded in dark. She quickly moves her arms and legs, just to see if she can, and breathes a small sigh of relief when she's able to stretch them out. "Hello?" she asks in a quiet, unsure voice.
Jarod reaches a hand over to one of hers and squeezes gently. "Hi."
"Jarod?" she asks in a desperate voice.
"Yeah. It's me."
"Why did you come for me?" she asks quietly. "You could've been killed."
Jarod pulls the car over to the side of the road and turns the ignition off. "I couldn't leave you in there."
"Why not? It was a hell of my own making. I deserved it," she says quietly.
Jarod shakes his head. He puts a hand on her cheek. "You didn't deserve to be in there. And I had to get you out."
"I did deserve it," she bites out angrily, reaching her hand out for the handle on the door, fumbling until she feels it, then opening the door and almost falling out of the car. She sits on her knees outside the car, in a patch of grass, shaking a little.
Jarod gets out of the car and goes around, kneeling next to her. "No you didn't. No one deserves to go through that hell."
"I was better off there," she mutters. "I can't see Jarod. I can't feel, I haven't been able to feel in years."
Jarod puts his hands on her shoulders, squeezing gently. "So were you lying when you said you loved me?"
Miss Parker shakes her head. "No, but. . . . no," she admits in a small voice.
Jarod nods a little. His hands gently rub her shoulders. "Then you can feel something."
"It's the only good thing in my life," she murmurs. "That love that somehow survived our childhood. If you can call what we had a childhood." A few tears run down her cheeks. "I hate myself Jarod. I've hated myself since I was. . .. since she died."
Jarod moves his hands to her sides, and gently pulls her into his lap. "I want you to listen to me, and really hear what I'm saying. You did not deserve to be in there, you were not better off there. What you went through and however long he had you in there was nothing of your own making. And your hatred of yourself serves no purpose."
"Yes it does," she murmurs softly. "It serves to remind me who and what I am. That above all else I am my father's daughter."
"You are your mother's daughter. If you are more of him then her, you would not have let me go. You would not have even contemplated anything but pulling the trigger yourself and taking me down."
"I couldn't do that to you," she says slowly, "but I could've done it to someone else. I *have* done it to someone else," she bites out. "Even monsters eventually love something."
Jarod tightens his arms around her waist almost painfully. "So what does it say about the monsters when someone loves them back?"
She shakes her head softly. "They say that he who loves a monster is either insane, or a monster himself."
"Well I don't see this monster inside you that you do."
"You should Jarod," she says in a low, hurt voice. "You should see it, and you should get as far away from it as you can. Because if you don't, it'll destroy you. And if it destroys you. . . Jarod I won't be able to live with myself."
Jarod places a soft kiss against her temple. "You already don't seem to be able to live with yourself Lanie."
Miss Parker shuts her eyes. "Don't call me that," she mumbles. "That name belongs to a child. To someone they killed a long time ago."
"They didn't kill her. They may have broken her and buried her, but they didn't kill her. She's still inside you."
"If she wasn't dead before, she is now," Miss Parker says in a firm, aching tone. She scrambles away from him and stands up, moving her head, blinking her eyes, trying to see anything, and failing. She stumbles a little and keeps herself from falling by grabbing onto the hood of the car. "God DAMN THEM!" she screams, tears running down her cheeks again and her body shaking with sobs.
Jarod stands up and moves behind her, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist, not letting her go. "Exactly," he says softly. "Blame them. Not yourself."
"I am them," she almost screams, leaning her body, bending it over his arms. "I am them."
Jarod leans over with her, keeping his chest pressed against her back. "No you're not."
"Then what am I?" she asks brokenly. "I'm not them. . . and I'm not an innocent. . . what am I?"
"You're human. You've made some mistakes, big ones. . . and you're human."
"I don't feel human," she whimpers softly. "I feel like a monster!" she screams again, crying harder, sobs wracking her body. "I Feel like a fucking monster!"
Jarod kisses the back of her neck gently. "I know you do. But I know you're not."
She turns slowly in his arms and wraps hers around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder, knees still weak, still sobbing. "I know it would be better for you if I pushed you away but I'm not that selfless," she whispers. "I need you so much Jarod."
Jarod leans his cheek against the side of her head and nods, taking a deep breath. "I know you do. And even if you pushed me away, you wouldn't get me to leave. I won't leave you."
"I need you to be my eyes Jarod," she murmurs. "I need you to see for me."
Jarod shuts his eyes and kisses the side of her face. "I'll do whatever you need me to."
Nodding slowly, she pushes away from him a little and takes a few deep breaths. "I need to get back in the car, and we need to go. We're not far enough away yet."
Jarod nods. "I know. I wasn't planning on stopping for a few more hours, but. . ."
"But I decided to have a breakdown," she mutters in a self directed acidic tone. "Please just put me back in the car," she mutters under her breath.
Jarod kisses her forehead softly and leans down, picking her back up in his arms. He carries her over to the car and sets her down in the passengers seat. "Everything will be okay Lanie. Eventually."
"My name is Elaina," she says softly. "Lanie is dead."
Jarod leans down and kisses the top of her head softly. "No she's not. But we'll do it your way, for now, Elaina."
Miss Parker shuts her eyes in exhaustion and leans her head against the car window after he shuts the door. Jarod gets back in the car, turns it back on, and drives back up the road.
~~~~~
Nine hours later, Jarod pulls up outside a small cabin in an isolated area just outside Quebec, Canada. He reaches into the back seat and pulls out a couple of heavy jackets. He hands one to Miss Parker. "You might want to put this one. It's a little chilly out here."
Miss Parker furrows her eyebrows. "Where are we?" she asks softly, putting the jacket on.
"North Eastern Canada."
Nodding slowly, she opens the door and walks out of the car. "What does it look like?" she equally soft.
Jarod climbs out of the car and walks around to her side, putting an arm around her waist. "Well, right now it's dark, but there's trees, big tall trees, everywhere. I think they're mostly pines, but I can't really tell. And about a hundred and fifty feet to your right there's a lake, with a boat dock. The edges of it are frozen. There's snow on the ground everywhere, and the full moon above us is making glittering patterns on the ground and the tree branches."
Miss Parker nods slowly. "Thank you," she whispers.
Jarod nods. "Come on. Let's get in the cabin. It's cold out here."
They slowly make their way inside the cabin. Miss Parker shucks her jacket and runs her hands through her hair. "Is there anything to eat around here?" she asks softly.
"Yeah. My friend stocked the cabin for me."
"Could you please make me a cup of tea?" she asks, slowly extending her hands in front of her and feeling her way around the cabin until she finds a small couch. She collapses on top of it with a sigh of relief, and curls into a ball again. Jarod watches her for a moment and then looks over to one of the cabinets, opening it. "Sleepy Time or Peppermint?"
"Sleepy Time" she murmurs in a small voice.
Jarod puts the kettle on and moves over to the other side of the cabin, opening a closet and pulling out a blanket. He walks over to the couch and unfolds it, draping it over her. "It'll be a couple minutes. Do you want anything else?"
"I can't have what I want," she mutters, burying her face into the couch, pulling the blanket up to her neck.
Jarod sits down next to her and cups her cheek in his hand. "What do you want?"
She turns her face away from him and curls into herself again. "Doesn't matter. Forget I said anything."
Jarod sighs. "It matters to me."
"Look, if I say it out loud, it'll sound needy and completely. . . . just forget it," she snaps.
Jarod sighs again, a little deeper. "Will you stop this? Tell me."
"I want you," she mumbles raggedly. "I know I'm probably disgusting, and completely unappealing, and please do feel free to laugh at me, or tell me I'm repulsive, but. . . I want you." she shuts her eyes again, tightly.
Jarod leans his head down and kisses her lips softly. "You're the only one who sees all those negative things about you. I certainly don't."
Miss Parker licks her lips, opening her eyes, cursing a little internally that she can't see his face. "I'm sure I don't look so hot physically, either," she mumbles.
Jarod chuckles softly. "You look beautiful. You always do."
Her eyes shut tightly again and she takes a deep breath. "Does it sound weak to you when I say I want you? That I. . . that I need you?" she asks softly.
"No," Jarod says equally softly. "It doesn't sound weak. It just sounds," he smiles a little. "It's something I've wanted to hear from you for a long time."
Miss Parker reaches her hands up, tracing her fingers over his face lightly, smiling when she feels his smile. She brushes her index finger over his forehead, along the bridge of his nose, the crinkles on the sides of his eyes. "I love you," she whispers softly, tracing his lips with her finger.
Jarod kisses her fingers softly. "I love you too," he says simply.
A tear runs down her cheek and she leans up, kissing his cheek softly, then his lips. "You don't know what it means to me to hear that," she whispers. "Even if you think you know, you don't."
Jarod kisses her softly. "You're probably right. I have an idea, but I don't know."
"Hearing it makes me believe you just might be able to save my soul," she whispers.
Jarod shuts his eyes and swallows deeply. He leans his forehead against hers and runs one of his hands down her cheek gently. "Maybe we can save each other."
"What do you need saving from Jarod?" she asks softly, genuinely wanting to know.
Jarod takes a shaky breath. He takes one of her hands in his and places it against his forehead. "From all the stuff that's in here. The stuff that keeps me from sleeping and torments me while I'm awake."
Miss Parker shuts her eyes and a few tears roll down her cheeks. She leans up and presses her lips against his forehead, brushing them down over his temple. "I love you," she whispers. "I love you and I'll save yours, if you'll save mine."
Jarod brushes his thumbs over her cheeks, wiping away her tears. "Deal," he murmurs softly. "And I love you too."
A loud whistling noise pierces the air. Miss Parker smiles softly. "Water's read," she murmurs.
Jarod kisses her forehead and stands up. "I'll be right back."
"You better."
He walks over and quickly fixes her tea. He brings it back to her and sits down next to her. "Here."
Miss Parker takes a sip and smiles. "You remembered," she murmurs, taking another sip.
Jarod brushes a hand down the side of her face. "Of course I did."
Miss Parker licks her lips and sets the tea down. "So how many other woman have you served tea with cinnamon and brandy in it to?" she asks softly.
Jarod chuckles a little. "Jealous?"
"Insanely," she murmurs.
He leans over and kisses her forehead. "You don't have to be. None."
She takes a deep breath. "I met that woman, Nina," she mutters.
"Nia," Jarod says softly.
Miss Parker rolls her eyes. "Nia," she says too sweetly. "She. . . loved you. A lot. I recognized the look in her eye," she murmurs.
Jarod swallows deeply and nods a little. "Yeah."
Miss Parker licks her lips and opens her mouth to speak, then changes her mind, laying down on the couch again. She turns onto her stomach, placing her face in the pillow. Jarod moves off the couch onto his knees next to her on the floor. Gently, he runs his hand down her back. "What's wrong?"
"I know you had sex," she murmurs. "I know we both have. But. . . . I guess it's just. . . . a little hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you loved somebody else." She swallows. "It's stupid and sophomoric, but. . . . I mean we weren't even. . . close to what you'd call together. . ." she trails off. "Never mind," she mumbles into the couch. "I shouldn't try
to express what I'm thinking and feeling, it always fails."
Jarod continues rubbing her back gently. "No it doesn't. Yes I loved her. But I've always loved you more."
Miss Parker shuts her eyes, refusing to cry anymore. "More, better, longer," she mumbles. "You loved her best, because she never hurt you." She shakes her head a little. "And I Don't mean best in the way it sounds. . . I mean best in. . . the purest."
Jarod sighs and kisses the side of her face. "Again, you're wrong. I loved you long before you ever did anything to hurt me."
Miss Parker turns over on the couch to face him, misjudges and falls off. She lands on the floor and blinks a few times. "Ow," she murmurs attempting to lift her head, failing, and smacking it against the floor. "Shit," she mutters.
Jarod places his arms under her shoulders and her knees and carefully lifts her back up onto the couch. "Careful until you get more used to this."
She nods slowly. "No shit, Sherlock," she mutters, rubbing the back of her head.
Jarod leans his head around and kisses the back of her head softly. "You were going to say something?"
She reaches her hand out, smacking him on the shoulder, and smiling happily when actually connects with what she was aiming at. "I don't recall," she murmurs haughtily.
Jarod sighs and glances heavenward for a moment. He takes her hand and kisses it gently. "Would you like me to help refresh your memory, or would you just like to move on?"
"Depends," she murmurs. "What would we move on to?"
Jarod smiles. "Whatever you want."
"I told you what I want," she murmurs in a sultry tone.
Jarod chuckles softly. "I don't think you're up for that right now."
She raises an eyebrow at him. "Are you telling me I *can't* do something?" she asks, a challenging note in her voice.
Jarod sighs overly dramatically. "No. I would never say that. But Love, you can barely stay on the couch."
"The couch is small," she says as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "There is a bed in this place, isn't there?"
Jarod picks her back up in his arms. "King size."
"Oo," she murmurs. "Take me there," she whispers, kissing his mouth softly.
Jarod kisses her back and walks over to the bed, laying her down on it gently. "Comfy mattress," she murmurs in rapture, stretching her back out.
Jarod smiles. "Down mattresses tend to be."
She pats the bed next to her. "At least lie down with me," she murmurs. "Since you seem to believe I can't do anything else," she says in a mocking voice.
Jarod kicks his shoes off and lays down next to her. "And I'm sure you'll prove me wrong."
"I'm sure as hell going to try," she mutters, wrapping an arm around his waist and nuzzling her nose against the side of his neck.
Jarod wraps one of his arms around her back and kisses her forehead. "Well I hope so," he says softly, running his fingers over her back gently.
Miss Parker feels her way up his chest to the top button on his shirt. She undoes it quickly, one handed, then feels her way to the second button, then the third, undoing every button until he reaches the waist band of his jeans. She pulls his shirt out and pushes it to either side, moving her head down and trailing her lips over his skin. Jarod lets out a soft groan and runs his hands up her back, one of them stroking down her shoulders, the other running through her hair. Miss Parker's hand locates the button on his jeans, and undoes it, moving to the fly and zipping it down. She reaches her hand inside his boxers and cups him, moving her mouth along his breast bone.
Jarod sucks in a breath, shutting his eyes. He arches his hips a little against her hand and runs one of his hands around to her chest, unbuttoning the shirt he had put on her earlier. Miss Parker moves her free hand behind his back, lifting him enough to pull his shirt off, sliding it down his arms and tossing it away. She leans her head back down and sucks on one of his nipples, running her tongue over it. Jarod takes a couple of deep, steadying breaths and moves both of his hands to the front of her shirt, parting it and pushing it off of her shoulders. He tosses it to the side and runs his hands up her back to her bra, undoing the clasp, sliding the straps down her arms. He tosses it away and brings his hands up, cupping her breasts, his thumbs gently stroking over her nipples. Miss Parker gasps a little, running her hand over his stomach and back underneath his boxers again, grasping his erection and stroking it softly.
Jarod leans his head back into the pillow, groaning again. He squeezes her breasts and rolls her nipples between his thumbs and forefingers, pulling on them softly. Miss Parker lets out a groan, tightening her hand around his erection reflexively, then stroking again, a little faster. She places her mouth over his stomach, trailing her lips over his abs, darting her tongue inside
his belly button, nipping lightly at his skin. Jarod shuts his eyes, his breathing becoming more labored. He continues gently massaging her breasts. Miss Parker bites down on his stomach, licking the small mark with her tongue, still stroking him. She moves her head, licking the tip of his erection with her tongue, then placing her mouth over it, sucking gently.
Jarod sucks in a sharp breath and moves one of his hands up from her breast to tangle in her hair. He groans and leans his head back further in the pillow, whispering her name softly. Miss Parker keeps her hand firmly around the bottom of his shaft, and moves her mouth down further, sucking harder, hollowing her cheeks and licking along the sides of his erection.
Jarod tries to catch his breath unsuccessfully. He tightens his fingers in her hair, tugging a little. Miss Parker's response is to move her other hand around, cupping his balls, sucking a little harder, stroking short, hard strokes along the base of his shaft with her hand. Jarod squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, then opens them, lifting his head and staring down at her. He takes shallow, shaky breaths and tightens his hand in her hair again, leaning his head forward a little more, then back into the pillow again groaning, his body shaking a little as he comes.
Miss Parker continues to suck and lick until his body is still. She moves her hands up his ribs, following their path with her mouth, kissing his collar bone, his throat, his chin, brushing her lips over his, running her hands back down to his jeans, pulling them and his boxers completely off. Jarod kicks his feet a little and gets his jeans and boxers off to the side. He wraps his hands around her back and he kisses her hard, rolling over so that he's on top of her. He runs his hands down her back. He finds the zipper on her skirt and unzips it, moving his hands to the sides of the waist, he slides both her skirt and her panties off. Moving his lips from hers, he kisses his way down her throat, finding the pulse at the base of her neck, sucking gently and grazing his teeth over the skin.
Miss Parker moans softly and runs her hands up and down his back, clutching at his shoulders, moving restlessly beneath him. Jarod kisses his way down her chest to one of her breasts. He places a series of soft kisses around her breast, working in circles into her nipple. Taking the nipple in his mouth, he sucks hard, his tongue running in small circles over the tip. He clasps his hands around her waist, his thumbs stroking the skin of her stomach softly. He moves one of his hands between her legs, flicking his fingers over her clit. Miss Parker leans her head back into the pillow, groaning, tightening her hands around his shoulders. She arches her back, pushing her breast into his mouth. Jarod moves his hand, slipping two fingers inside of her, his thumb still stroking her clit. He grazes his teeth over her nipple gently, then licks it. Miss Parker whimpers, eyes tightly shut, neck and back arched. Jarod moves his mouth from her nipple over to her other breast, giving it the same treatment as the first. He pumps his fingers in and out of her, at a slightly frenzied pace. Miss Parker arches her hips against his hand, biting her lip, then moaning, turning her head back and forth against the pillow.
Jarod moves his head again, kissing his way down her stomach. He places his lips against her clit, sucking on it gently, stroking the tip of his tongue over it, his fingers continuing to move in and out of her. Miss Parker runs one of her hands up his back to the hair at the base of his neck, the other moving down his side to the sheet, fisting around it. She digs her nails into her palm around the sheet, her fingers tightening on his neck. Jarod continues to lick and suck at her clit, occasionally grazing his teeth over it lightly. Miss Parker tightens her entire body and lets out a quiet scream as she comes, hard, arching her hips off the bed. Jarod continues licking and sucking her clit, his fingers still moving in and out of her. Miss Parker moans continuously, her orgasm prolonging, her hips remaining off the bed, her head as far back in the pillow as she can push it. Jarod moves his free hand under her lower back, supporting her gently. He gently withdraws his fingers from her body and moves his head down, his tongue licking at her.
Miss Parker lets out a few whimpers, sensations still shooting through her body every time his tongue touches her. Jarod moves his mouth up to her stomach and slowly kisses his way up her body, moving up with his head until his hips are settled between hers. He takes one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking, and wraps both his hands around her hips, slipping his erection inside her with one, hard thrust. Miss Parker groans and moves her legs up around his body, tightening her feet over his lower back. Jarod thrusts into her, hard, fast. He continues to suck on her nipple and moves his hands up to her other breast, massaging it. Miss Parker runs her hands up and down his back, digging her nails into his skin, her mouth opening on a silent moan, thrusting her hips against his. Jarod lifts his head and kisses her lips hard, pulling almost completely out of her and slamming back in, hard, fast. Miss Parker moans into his mouth, running one hand up to his hair at the back of his head, holding him still, kissing him as hard as she can, running her tongue into his mouth, thrusting it in and out.
Jarod moves one of his hands between their bodies, running his fingers over her clit as he continues to thrust into her hard, forcefully. He moves his tongue into her mouth, running over hers and over the inside of her cheeks, her teeth. Miss Parker tightens her legs around him, digging the nails of one hand into his scalp, the other into his back, kissing him harder, moving her tongue against his, lapping at the inside of his mouth. She moves her hips against his, hard and fast, almost completely pulling herself off the bed. Jarod continues thrusting into her as deeply and as hard as he can, his fingers working over her clit faster, harder. He tears his lips from hers and kisses her ear. "Come for me," he whispers.
Miss Parker lets out a scream, loud, long as she comes violently, still moving her hips against his, her entire body tightening around him, her nails digging deeply into his skin. Jarod watches her, a smile on his face as he continues to thrust into her. He leans his head back down and kisses her lips, thrusting harder into her and groaning against her mouth as he starts to come, his body shuddering. Miss Parker wraps her arms and legs even tighter around him, still moaning a little with the sensations running through her body, licking his lips, pulling his lower into her mouth and biting down on it, then licking her tongue over it. Jarod groans again, slowing down the pace of his thrusts. He wraps both of his arms around her back, pulling her to him tightly.
Miss Parker runs her lips to his ear, pulling on the lobe softly. "I wish I could've seen your face," she murmurs, nibbling on his ear.
Jarod takes a deep breath and places soft kisses over both of her eyes. "I know. I wish you could've too."
"Then again," she murmurs, "with the loss of sight, ever other nerveending was heightened."
Jarod smiles a little and kisses her forehead. "Not an acceptable trade."
She shakes her head. "No," she says softly, "it isn't." She leans up and kisses his mouth, running her hands up and down his back. "But Jarod," she murmurs, "you make the darkness not quite so black."
Jarod tightens his arms around her back and rolls over a little, pulling her with him. "I wish I could fix everything for you."
Miss Parker smiles, kissing his forehead. "You did," she murmurs. "You fixed everything that was wrong for right now. Everything else just takes time."
Jarod kisses her temple and smiles against her skin. "I think I'm the one who's supposed to be saying that."
"You need to save your breath for more important things," she murmurs, kissing his neck softly.
Jarod takes a deep breath and kisses her forehead again. "Can you get some sleep?"
Miss Parker nods slowly. "I think so. What about you?"
Jarod shrugs. "I can try."
"That's all we can ever really do," she murmurs, lying her head down against his chest, her ear over his heart.
Jarod brings a hand up and strokes her hair softly. "I love you."
"I know," she whispers. "The knowledge kept me alive more times then I can count. I love you back Jarod."
~~~~~
Late the next morning Jarod moans a little and opens his eyes, staring down at Miss Parker's head. He glances out the window at the trees, sunlight streaming through the branches. He looks at Miss Parker.
"Hi." She whispers, almost shyly, her cheek against his chest.
"Hey." Jarod smiles and leans his head down, kissing the top of hers. "How'd you sleep?"
"Not bad until I had the nightmare," she murmurs softly. "I woke up and opened my eyes, and I couldn't see. And I thought I was still trapped in that little box. But then I heard your heartbeat and felt you breathing underneath me." "Why didn't you wake me?"
"Because you were sleeping so peacefully. I didn't want to disturb you. And just have you to hold while I cried was enough. It was more than I've ever had before."
Jarod sighs and tightens his arms around her. "Next time, wake me up. I want to be able to hold you while you cry."
"Honestly," she begins in a ragged voice. "I really wasn't sure what the etiquette was. I have never wanted to share my tears with anyone I was in bed with. And once I wanted to, I didn't know if I should. Especially since you were asleep."
Jarod smiles a little. "I think we're writing our own rules of etiquette. Anything goes."
Miss Parker lays her cheek against his chest and rub her body against his softly. "Then please hold me."
Jarod wraps his arms tightly around her. "Always."
Miss Parker turns her face fully into his chest and sobs like she wanted to in the little box and couldn't. Deep, wracking sobs. She digs her nails into his chest, holding on as tightly as she can.
Jarod holds her to him as tightly as he can, and runs his hands up and down her back, soothingly. He whispers nonsense to her in a calm, even voice.
"You were with me the entire time Jarod," she murmurs brokenly. "You kept me alive. That piece of you I carry around in my heart kept me alive."
Jarod kisses her temple. "That would be how I stayed alive myself."
"How did I live without you holding me for this long Jarod?" she asks in a completely baffled, broken tone.
"I don't know. Just like I don't know how I lived so long without holding you."
Miss Parker licks her lips and leans her tear-stained face up to his, kissing him softly. "I love you Jarod." she whispers against his mouth, kissing him again.
Jarod kisses her back, equally softly. "I love you too Lanie."
"You know," she says softly. "You're just asking for it by doing that, right?"
Jarod chuckles. "Am I?'
Miss Parker shakes her head softly. "No," she whispers, kissing him again, a little harder. "I could not stay mad at you, even when I tried. And I couldn't be mad at you right now, period."
Jarod runs his hand up her back to her hair. "Good. Because even if you've given up on her, I won't."
"Then it's a good thing I have you," she mutters softly. "I hope you're up for this Jarod. Because I'm going to need so much from you. Last chance to back out." she warns softly, her eyes filling with tears again.
Jarod squeezes her to him for moment. "I'm not going anywhere Lanie."
Miss Parker wraps her arms around his torso and kisses his lips again, short soft kisses, over and over again, punctuating each with the words, whispered, "I love you, my hero."
~~~~~
"I'm hungry," Miss Parker murmurs.
Jarod smiles against the top of her head. "What do you want?"
"I don't know," she murmurs. "But I'd also kill for a cigarette."
Jarod chuckles. "How did I know that?" he responds in a resigned tone, tinged with amusement.
"Because you're a genius," she says in a voice filled with childlike mocking.
"Oh, is that why?" Jarod reaches down under the bed and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He sticks them into her hand. "Guess I'm psychic too."
Miss Parker groans in pleasure, unwrapping the cigarettes by feel, popping one in her mouth and lighting it, all under a minute. She takes a long drag, and sighs, exhaling. "If I didn't love you before," she murmurs, "I am endlessly devoted to you now."
Jarod kisses her forehead and climbs out of bed. "Nicotine depravation is a bad thing."
Miss Parker nods enthusiastically. "Very bad," she agrees. "Now what are my choices food wise?"
Jarod chuckles. "Just about anything you want."
"Smores?" she asks hopefully, her face lighting up.
Jarod reaches a hand out and ruffles her hair lightly. "Of course."
"With hot cocoa?" she hedges.
"Is there any other way?"
Miss Parker bites her lower lip, smiling. "Nope," she murmurs. "Hurry."
"Yes Love." Jarod leans over and kisses the top of her head. "Smores and hot cocoa, coming up."
"I didn't mean that," she mutters. "Hurry *back*. I miss you."
Jarod leans down and wraps an arm around her waist. "Come with me."
Miss Parker takes a drag off her cigarette. "Okay," she says softly. "Help me up."
Jarod tightens his arms and tugs a little, pulling her to her feet. She sways for a moment, then regains her balance. "Lead me Obi Wan," she mutters, taking another drag.
Jarod laughs quietly and leads her towards the kitchen.
~~~~~
Miss Parker sits in the middle of the living room floor wearing Jarod's shirt. Her eyes are closed and she appears to be listening intently to something. Jarod comes in from outside with an armful of firewood. He sets it down and looks at Miss Parker. "Whatcha doing?"
Miss Parker smiles a little. "I'm listening to a bird build a nest outside," she whispers softly.
Jarod takes his jacket off, tosses it over a chair. He walks over and sits behind Miss Parker, wrapping his arms around her waist. "That's pretty good hearing."
"Yeah, well, I suppose I had to get *something* out of the deal," she mutters a little bitterly.
Jarod kisses her temple softly. "I'm sure all of your other sense got heightened really fast."
"Is that supposed to make me happy?" she snaps in an acid filled tone.
"No." Jarod tightens his arms around her. "It's not supposed to do anything. It's just a statement of fact."
Miss Parker shrugs her entire body, taking a deep, hard breath. "I don't know how I'm supposed to do this Jarod," she says in a shaky voice. "I don't know how I'm supposed to live with this."
Jarod sighs quietly. "You're supposed to take everything very easily, one step at a time. You're supposed to lean on me when you need to."
Miss Parker shakes her head, moving out of his tight embrace, turning to face him, desperately wishing she could see him. "That's not who I am," she manages to get out tightly. "I don't lean on other people. Not being able to see makes me necessarily weak." She sighs, shutting her eyes. "I hate feeling needy and I hate having to ask for help to do normal things, like eat, go to the bathroom, shower," she grits out, curling her hands into fists.
Jarod swallows and brings a hand up to her face, brushing some hair back. "I know. None of this is you. It's not who you're used to being. But Lanie, you've got to learn how to deal with this. You won't always have to ask me for help with things. I can't tell you if this is permanent or not - I hope it's not. But if it is, you'll learn how to deal with it."
Miss Parker takes a few deep breaths. "Jarod I think it might be for the best if you just left me alone," she says in a firm tone.
Jarod shakes his head. "No it wouldn't."
"Yes, it would," she insists. "I. . . *hate* having you see me like this," she says in a low, frightening voice.
Jarod sighs. "Remember what I said to you when we were sitting on the side of the road?"
"Which part?" she mumbles. "It was all so profound," she adds in an acidic voice.
"I said, and I meant, that I will not leave you."
"Even if it's what I want?" she asks in an angry voice.
Jarod sighs again. "Even then. It's not good for you. It's not good for me. And I won't."
Miss Parker shakes her head in agitation. "Why is this so hard for you to understand Genius?" she bites out. "I just want to be left alone."
Jarod moves his hands to her cheeks, and holds her head firmly between his hands. "It's not hard to understand. It's just not something I can to. Actually, I can leave you alone. Within the cabin, I can not talk to you, and I can just stay on the other side of the room. But I will not let you out of my sight."
Miss Parker pulls her head out of his hold, scooting further across the floor from him. "It defeats the purpose," she says in a strangled voice. "The point is I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want you to have to take care of me," she shuts her eyesand takes a deep breath. "I don't just want to be alone," she says in a small voice. "I want to be away from you."
Jarod sighs. "Fine. I won't take care of you. But I'm going to stick around because I will feel better if I'm here. I love you Lanie. I don't want to just walk out on you."
"But I want you to walk out," she says desperately. "I know you love me. Jarod I do love you too. That's why I. ." she shakes her head, then rests it in her hands, tightening her fingers in her hair. "There is no one on this earth I love and respect as much as you," she says slowly. "And it eats away at me from the inside out for you to see me like this. In a state I perceive as being weak, needy, not at all self sufficient, and basically just waiting around until I either regain my sight, or I die."
Jarod shuts his eyes tightly. He takes a deep, ragged breath. "Do you want to know how I see you when I look at you right now?"
"No, but I bet you're gonna tell me," she says in a sarcastic voice.
"Damn straight I am. When I look at you, I see a beautiful, vibrant woman who has had one of the most basic and important things stolen from her, and who is fighting it, and trying to stay as strong as she always has been. I don't see this weak, needy person that you do. I see you as being as self sufficient and self reliant as you possibly can be. More then you ever should
be, even if you had every sense perfectly intact."
"Well that's part of the problem, isn't it?" she asks in a bitter voice. "I don't see myself at all," she says slowly. "I feel this way. I feel weak, and I feel needy. And I hate myself like this." She takes a few deep, unsteady breaths. "And my entire world is crumbling at my feet. It started three yeahrs ago, and it finally collapsed totally two days ago." She licks her lips. "I don't know how. . . I don't *want* to live with myself like this. I sure as hell don't want you to."
Jarod moves next to Miss Parker, wraps his arms tightly around her, not letting her go. "Why don't you let me decide what's best for me?"
Miss Parker struggles in his arms for a moment, then gives up, collapsing against him with a sigh of resignation. "Because if you decide," she bites out, "you'll always put what I need first."
Jarod nods. "You're right. Because what's best for you is what's best for me."
"So basically," she says slowly, "you're taking away my free choice so you can do what's best for me?" she asks in patronizing tone.
"That's not what I'm doing Lanie. I'm simply trying to be here for you. I'm willing to completely leave you alone around here. I won't even look at you more then I absolutely have to if that's what you want. But I will not walk out and leave you up here."
She shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes. "It doesn't matter how little you do around here," she says in a broken voice. "You'll still be here. You'll still be witness to my smacking into things I can't see, or forgot were there. . . you'll be here for every time I put sour cream on the toast instead of butter. . . every time I pour orange juice in my coffee instead of milk." She
shuts her eyes and a tear runs down her cheek. "You'll be here when I can't find the bathroom, and you'll be here when I forget exactly where the bed is." She takes a deep breath as a couple more tears run down her cheek. "I don't want that. I don't want you to have this image of me in your mind always. Because like it or not, it will be. Even though you say you see me as strong, you'll think 'Oh, poor Lanie, I better figure out what she wants to eat and make for her before she can get into the kitchen and break something else.' Eventually you're gonna start thinking of me like that, and it's going to break my heart, and I can't handle it," she states in a tear roughened voice.
Jarod tightens his arms around her a little for a moment, and lets her go. "I will give you twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours of being completely alone, in this cabin. And when I come back, then you can tell me if you really want me gone."
Miss Parker nods, once, sharply. "Good," she says, wiping a tear away. She places her palms against the floor and pushes up, standing shakily. She sways for a moment, then finds her footing. She walks straight ahead until her hand hits the wall. She feels along until she reaches the head of the bed. She curls up into ball in the center of the bed, crying softly.
Jarod stands up and walks over to the bed. He leans down and kisses her temple softly. "I love you Lanie. And I'll be back in twenty-four hours."
"I love you too," she murmurs softly. "If I didn't, it wouldn't matter."
Jarod stares down at her for a moment, turns and walks out of the cabin.
~~~~~
Jarod sits in his car, staring at the cabin. The heat is on full blast, and he's leaning on his hands resting on the steering wheel. His eyes periodically glance at the clock, then focus back on the cabin. It's been six hours since Jarod granted her wish - temporarily.
About two hours into it, Miss Parker had gotten out of bed, made her way to the windows and closed all the curtains. She'd then went back to bed, collapsing again and curling into a ball. This had taken her almost thirty minutes.
Jarod sighs and takes a drink of water from the bottle next to him on the passengers seat. He goes back to staring at the cabin.
Miss Parker drags herself out of bed and goes into the kitchen. She opens the refrigerator and takes out a bottle, opening the cap and smelling, smiling at the scent of grapefruit juice. She puts the cap back on and digs through the refrigerator, searching for the carrots she knows are in there. Finally finding them, she makes her way back to bed. This takes her an hour.
Twelve hours. . . .. .
Jarod sighs and climbs out of the car, stretching his legs and his arms. He walks in a circle around the car, a path that he's worn a few times over. He looks up at the sky and out at the lake. He walks down to the lake and sits on the boat dock, staring out at the water, occasionally glancing back at the cabin.
Miss Parker picks the juice up and takes a sip, then goes to place it back on the table, cursing when she misses and it falls to the floor, shattering. She closes her eyes briefly, then rolls out of bed on the other side and slowly crawls around to where the glass is. She feels around for a towel, shoving the bits of glass to the side as best she can, mopping up the spilled juice. She stands up and winces when she feels a couple pieces of glass go into her feet. She sits down on the bed again and runs her fingers lightly over the bottoms of her feet, feeling blood. She sighs and pulls the bits of glass out of her feet, wincing more from disgust then pain.
Jarod stands up and walks back to the car. He climbs in and turns the heat back on, rubbing his hands together, trying to get some of the chill off them. He glances back at the clock. Eighteen hours.
Miss Parker curls into a little ball on the bed, wrapping her arms around her knees and staring, unseeing in the direction of the door. Her feet are tucked under, still bleeding a little, red stains all over the blanket. She's filled with abject misery, but doesn't cry. She doesn't think she'll ever cry again.
Twenty-four hours. . . .
Jarod looks at the clock again and breathes a sigh of relief. He climbs out of the car and heads back into the cabin. "Welcome back," Miss Parker says in a mean voice.
Jarod looks around the cabin. "Well, you didn't start any fires. . . you didn't break. ." his eyes hit the glass on the floor. "Too much."
"I'm sure you're proud," she murmurs sarcastically. "And in answer to your question, yes, I'd still like you to leave."
Jarod shrugs a shoulder, walking towards the bed. "Yeah, I figured. So, Miss Parker," he says in a rather neutral tone, laced with a little bit of anger, "you think you can do this full time?"
"Or die trying," she says in a voice that's equal parts sarcasm, tearful exuberance and misery.
Jarod sits down on the end of the bed. "Yeah, probably." He looks at the bottoms of her feet and shakes his head. "Why don't you drop the attitude for a minute? It's really getting annoying."
"Good, leave and you won't have to deal with it," she bites out.
"I'm not leaving. I just want to attempt to have a civil conversation with you for five minutes."
"Not gonna happen," she says sharply.
Jarod sighs. "Figured as much." He stands up for a moment and walks to the other side of the room, grabbing the first aid kit. He walks back over to the bed and sits down, taking one of her feet in his hand firmly. "Don't fight me right now. I'm cleaning these wounds. I don't want them getting infected."
"Why fight you?" she asks in an innocent voice. "You'll do what you damn well please anyway," she snarls under her breath.
Jarod goes about cleaning the cuts on her feet. After a minute, both of her feet are taken care of. He closes the first aid kit and he stands back up. Miss Parker curls her legs back underneath her upper body, hugging her arms around herself. Jarod looks
down at her. "I know that you think the only way you can deal with this is by shutting me out, and pushing me away. But that's only going to serve to make this harder on you."
"You're making it harder on me with your refusal to respect my wishes," she bites out slowly. "This would be so much easier on both ends if you would just leave me."
"Leave you to do what? To stumble around and hurt yourself? To potentially wander outside and get lost?" Jarod takes a deep breath. "Leave you alone to die? Is that it?"
"Yeah Jarod, that's it," she says in an angry, pain laced voice. "I just wanted to spare you the experience of finding my body."
Jarod walks to the other side of the room and sits down heavily on the couch. "Do you think that my leaving you would make this all easier on me?"
"No," she says in a shuddering voice. "I'm not that altruistic. It'd make it easier on me."
Jarod leans his head against his hands and takes a couple of short, ragged breaths. "So you're giving up," he says simply. "You are just going to curl up into a little ball and wait to die, as opposed to doing something about it. You're right. This did change you. A lot more then I wanted to admit."
"Congratulations, give the man a silver dollar," she announces with false glee. She lays her head back down against her arm, curling back up tighter. "They don't call you genius for nothing," she whispers.
"You're right, they don't." Jarod lifts his head and looks over at her, tears in his eyes. He steels his voice. "So would you prefer I just shoot you now and put you out of your misery?"
"You couldn't shoot me if you tried," she murmurs in a husky voice.
"That doesn't answer my question. If I could, would you want me to? It would get things over a hell of a lot faster."
"The answer is no," she says hoarsely. "Because I wouldn't want you to do that to yourself."
Jarod shuts his eyes tightly. "I wouldn't be doing anything to myself, I'd be doing it to you."
She shakes her head. "You and I both know that isn't true," she says in a low tone. "Killing me would. . ." she shakes her head. "You couldn't do it."
"So how 'bout if I let you do it?" he says in a neutral voice. "Hand you the gun, make sure it's loaded. Or I could just hand you a bottle of pills, let you sleep forever. And you'd be doing it to yourself." She sits up sharply.
"Same deal," she grits out. "You wouldn't be able to do it. Not even give me the ammunition to do it myself." She shakes her head. "You'd end up doing make shift surgery if I actually shot myself, and figure a way to pump my stomach if I downed pills."
Jarod stands up and wipes a couple tears from his cheeks. He walks over to the table picks up her gun. He places the gun in her hand. "I won't do a damned thing. I've never broken a promise to you, and I'm not gonna start now. I won't touch you."
Miss Parker licks her lips. "Leave," she says in a low voice. "Leave and go so far away you won't hear the shot."
"No." Jarod sits down on the end of the bed. "I'm not letting you die alone."
"But that's the purpose of my death, Jarod!" she practically screams. "So that I don't effect you."
Jarod lets out a ragged sigh. "But that's what you don't seem to get. It will effect me. If I'm sitting here, if I do it myself, or if I'm three thousand miles away. It will still effect me just as badly."
Miss Parker runs her fingers over the barrel of her gun, holding it in her right hand, rubbing the trigger with her index finger. She places the gun against the side of her head and looks in the general direction his voice came from. "What do you think? Bullet to the temple?"
Jarod swallows. "It's not my decision," he says, the tears obvious in his voice.
Miss Parker runs the barrel of the gun down her jaw, across her chin, then back up to her temple again. Her finger tightens a little on the trigger, then loosens again. She repeats the motion. She licks her lips and shrugs a little. "Too bad it isn't loaded." She pulls the trigger, the 'clicking' sound echoing inside the cabin. She shrugs again and tosses the gun to the floor.
Jarod sighs deeply. "Would you like me to find the bullets?"
"Yes Jarod," she says in an exasperated tone. "I'd like you to find the fucking bullets, load the fucking gun, and blow my fucking brains out for me."
Jarod leans forward a little and places a gentle hand on her leg. "You know that if this were something I didn't think you could live with I would."
Miss Parker's face crumples and she takes a few steadying breaths. "Jarod I can't live like this," she says in a broken voice. "You know me. I'm afraid of the dark."
Jarod moves up on the bed and wraps his arms around her. "I know you are Lanie. I know you are."
Miss Parker's body shakes with silent, deep gut wrenching sobs. She wraps her arms around his neck, squeezing tight enough to cut off circulation. "It's so dark," she finally gets out. "It's so dark and it scares me so much and I just want it to stop. Jarod I just want it to stop."
Jarod holds her to him tightly. "Let me be your light Lanie."
She cries against his shoulder, tears running, unheeded, down her cheeks. She wraps her legs around his, holding onto him as tightly as she can. "I will try," she promises softly.
Jarod turns his head and kisses her temple softly. He rubs his cheek against her hair, brushing some of his tears off into her hair. "That's all I can ask."
"I do love you so much," she whimpers. "I know it's got to be hard to believe after all this, but I do. I love you Jarod."
Jarod shuts his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths. "Believe it or not, I find it easier to believe after all this. And I love you too."
"I'm so sorry Jarod," she says in a shaky, rough, miserable voice. "I won't even ask you to forgive me for what I said and did to you earlier. . . . just now. . . but I am so sorry," she whispers. "So sorry."
Jarod tightens his arms around her and kisses her forehead. "There's nothing to be sorry for. And there's nothing for me to forgive."
She nods. "Yes there is," she murmurs. "I know it, even if you don't. I know what some of the things I said and did. . did to you. . . I did it on purpose. . . and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I intentionally. . ." she shuts her eyes tightly, more tears running down her cheeks.
Jarod shakes his head and kisses away her tears. "Hey, I'm the one who handed you the gun. And if it had been loaded, I wouldn't have taken the bullets out."
Miss Parker licks her lips. "I wish I could tell you I wouldn't have shot myself if it had been loaded," she says softly. "I wish I could tell myself that," she adds in an almost whimsical tone.
Jarod swallows deeply. "It would be nice if I didn't firmly believe that had there been bullets in that gun I would be crying over your dead body right now." He shakes his head. "But Lanie, that's not what's important. You're still here. That is what matters. Not what might have happened, but what did."
"No use worrying about what might've been," she muses softly. "I don't ever want to hurt you Jarod," she says in a soft, even voice. "But I can't say I never will, because I'm hurting so much I probably will lash out at you. . . mostly because the monotony of lashing out at myself will have gotten to me."
Jarod squeezes her to him firmly. "That's okay. I'm expecting it. I don't want you to keep this all aimed at yourself. I can take a lot of shit. I just can't take you shutting me out and pushing me away."
Miss Parker takes a deep breath. "So just for clarities sake, let me ask this - years and years of putting up with my shit and insanity is preferable to a quick blow and my being no more?"
Jarod smiles sadly against the side of her face. "Absolutely. I've still got you."
~~~~~
Miss Parker rolls her head against the pillow, twisting the sheet around her legs as she thrashes. A long, low moan leaves her body, followed by a shrill, ear piercing scream. She bolts straight up in bed, opening her eyes, closing them, then opening them
again. A muffled sob leaves her mouth as she collapses against the bed, curling onto her side and crying softly. Jarod comes dashing into the cabin, dropping the wood in his arms. He hurries over to the bed, stripping his jacket off. "Lanie?"
"Jarod," she cries on a sob, reaching her arms out, feeling for him.
Jarod sits on the bed and wraps his arms around her. "What happened?"
She wraps her arms around his neck as tightly as she can, taking deep, shuddering breaths, schooling her voice before she speaks. "I had a nightmare that I was trapped inside the box again. I couldn't move, and more importantly, I couldn't see. I finally dragged myself out, and I opened my eyes, and I still couldn't see. And I was alone. . ." She licks her lips and takes a
deep, staggering breath. "I just lost it for a minute," she says in a calm voice.
Jarod kisses her forehead. "You're allowed. You're allowed to lose it for more then a minute."
"But that's just it," she says softly, placing her hands against his chest and pushing away. "I don't want to lose it. I want to keep everything together, and I want to be my cool, calm and collected self. The only time I want to lose any control at all is when I make love with you." She shuts her eyes.
Jarod brings a hand up and cups her cheek. "So you want to be who you were before. Calm, collected constantly, but sitting at home and crying over every little thing that upset you?"
"It's preferable to shed a few tears, rather then gut wrenching hysterical sobbing, and holding a gun to my head," she says in a low, shaky voice.
Jarod's thumb strokes her cheek softly. "Well, I would agree with you."
"Hallelujah," she mutters under her breath.
Jarod smiles a little. "So are you better now?"
"Define better," she says on a hysterical laugh.
"Better. As in you don't need me to sit here and hold you while you sob. Not that I don't want to if you do."
Miss Parker licks her lips. "No, that's okay," she murmurs quickly, turning over and curling onto her side. "I'll be fine. Go back to doing whatever it was you were doing."
Jarod sighs deeply and kicks his boots off. He curls up on the bed behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I'm done."
Miss Parker blinks furiously, holding back tears. She places a hand over his. "You're sure?" she asks, a bit warily.
Jarod pulls her back against him a little tighter. "Why would I start lying to you now?"
"Because you know I might need you to?" she asks, as though genuinely fielding a guess.
Jarod shakes his head. "No. I have never, and will never lie to you."
Miss Parker nods slowly. "Thank you Jarod," she whispers, wrapping both her arms over his and holding them against her. "Thank you for everything."
Jarod places a soft kiss against the back of her ear. "You're welcome Love."
~~~~~
Miss Parker shuffles a deck of cards, then slowly, one by one, begins to fling them away. Jarod glances up at her from where he's sitting on the couch reading a book. He shakes his head a little and looks back at the book. After all fifty-two cards have been dispensed, Miss Parker looks over to Jarod's general direction. "What are you reading?" she asks softly.
Jarod flips the book closed over his finger and looks at the cover. "Interview with a Vampire, by Anne Rice."
Miss Parker raises an eyebrow. "Jarod's reading Anne Rice," she murmurs in an amused tone. "Learning anything?"
Jarod chuckles. "I really must visit New Orleans with a lot of time to spare."
Miss Parker smiles a little. "It's a beautiful city," she murmurs.
Jarod looks up at her. "Would you like me to read to you?"
Miss Parker's face lights up. "Only if you want to," she says softly.
Jarod smiles. "I'd love to. Now, have you read this? You know the story enough so that I can start where I am, or I can go back to the beginning."
Miss Parker nods. "I've read it," she says softly. "Read the book, saw the movie, bought the t-shirt," she mutters.
Jarod raises an eyebrow. "There's a movie?"
Miss Parker quirks her lips at him. "Yes. A movie. Tom Cruise. Brad Pitt. Fun," she says in a laconic tone.
Jarod snickers a little. "I take it you don't approve of the casting choices?"
"Hmm," Miss Parker says, considering for a moment. "Tom Cruise as the Vampire Lestat - nope, don't approve."
Jarod wrinkles his nose a little in disgust. "Me either." He smiles at her. "Now, would you like to stay where you are, or would you like to join me on the couch while I read to you?"
Miss Parker bites her lower lip. "Couch," she murmurs, slowly getting onto her knees and crawling toward the couch, hand outstretched so she doesn't bump into anything. After a moment, she reaches the couch, placing her hands on the cushions and pulling herself up. "Are you left or right?" she asks, breathing a little heavy.
Jarod smiles. "About six inches to your right."
Heaving a sigh, Miss Parker moves toward him, dropping the back of her head into his lap and breathing a deep sigh of relief and contentment. Jarod brings a hand down and brushes back some hair from her face. He opens the book and starts reading.
~~~~~
A loud crash sounds from the kitchen. Jarod sits bold upright from his reclining position on the couch. "Lanie? You okay?"
"Jarod," she replies in a strangled voice.
Jarod drops the book in his hand to the cushion of the couch and stands up, walking toward the kitchen. "What is it?"
Miss Parker looks up at him, then back down to the floor. "I dropped a bottle of grape juice," she says in a neutral, clear voice.
Jarod nods. "I can see that. Are you okay?"
Her head snaps up and a small semi-hysteric smile spreads across her face. "Jarod," she says, as though speaking to an idiot, "I dropped a bottle of grape juice."
Jarod's eyes widen a little. He reaches his hands down and cups her cheeks. "You can see that," he says tentatively.
Miss Parker throws her arms around his neck, jumps over the spilled grape juice, and wraps her legs around his waist. "Mmhhmm," she murmurs, kissing him hard.
Jarod wraps his arms around her back. "Oh thank God," he murmurs, kissing her back.
"God nothing," she mutters against his mouth. "Thank Jarod for keeping me alive."
Jarod tightens his arms and kisses her again. He moves his lips and kisses her forehead. "Well in that case, thank Lanie for having taken bullets out of the gun in the first place."
She laughs a little, then moves her hands to his face, legs still tightly around his waist. "I've had a lot of time to think about it," she murmurs softly, "and I know I wouldn't have shot myself then." She leans her head to the side. "You may not like my easoning so much, but. . . I wouldn't have shot myself because I refuse to do that to you. To make you carry that picture
around in your head." She runs her fingers down the side of his face.
Jarod shuts his eyes for a moment and leans his forehead against hers. "Whatever the reason, you didn't, and you wouldn't have. And it's not something we have to worry about. Not anymore."
"I couldn't have done it," she murmurs. "If it hadn't been temporary. . . I'm sorry Jarod, but I couldn't have done it."
Jarod nods, his forehead still pressed against hers. "Don't apologize."
She licks her lips. "I feel like I need to. Like you deserve to hear it."
Jarod leans his head back from hers and looks her in the eye. "But you don't need to. There's nothing that you have said or done that I need to hear an apology for."
Miss Parker nods slowly. "My own, personal one stop absolution shop," she murmurs, running her fingers over his eyebrows and kissing his lips softly.
Jarod smiles a little. "Is that what I am?"
"Yeah," she agrees softly. "That and so much more." She leans forward and kisses his jaw. "You're everything Jarod," she murmurs. "You're my light."
Jarod blinks back a few tears. "I tried my best."
"Your best puts other people's best to shame," she says, smiling. "Your best pulled me out of a nightmare. Your best kept me sane, kept me alive." She kisses him again. "Your best lit my path."
Jarod kisses her lips softly. "I love you Lanie."
"I love you too Jarod," she whispers. "I love you too."
The End
