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07/26/03
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The Last Notebook
By Phenyx
-
Dear Mom and Dad,
I wish so much of our lives had been different. But wishing and wanting just isn't enough to change the reality of what we had.
I am so glad for the time you and I did spend together, Dad. Brief as it was. You cannot understand how important it was to me, to learn my name, to know my birthday. They will be little more than numbers and letters carved into my tombstone, but without them, I am no one. I was nothing before I found you and learned that simple truth.
For a long time as a child, I wondered if I had been abandoned. I had been told that my parents left me at The Centre in order to train my gifts. Learning that I had been stolen from you was a frightening discovery. But it helped, knowing that I had not been discarded, forgotten or sold. I didn't belong to The Centre. They did not own me.
Knowing that I had been taken, and that my parents still searched for me, made a huge difference in my outlook on life. I was not one of the forgotten lonely masses. I was loved. There were people who cared about me because of who I was, not what I could do for them. My self-worth improved more than you can know.
To love and be loved is a gift many people never receive, and far too many others take for granted. I am so grateful that you have allowed me to learn just how wonderful that gift really is.
I sometimes try to imagine what our lives would have been like if we had never been separated. To be honest I have nothing on which to base these musings except for tales in the books I've read and old shows I've seen on television. As a result the picture that comes to mind is some oddball combination of Happy Days and Oliver Twist.
It sounds strange, I admit, but I can be a pretty strange character sometimes. Just ask Miss Parker, she'll be glad to expound on that fact. I've always had a weird sense of humor. I've often wondered if that was something I inherited from one of you. I hope so.
I want you to know that my faith in you has kept me sane through many a difficult time. Even when I thought you both dead, I tried to keep your memory close to my heart. When I could no longer remember who you were or what you looked like, I made things up. I would think up scenarios that would explain your long absence. I pretended you were secret agents, deep undercover in Asia. I made believe you were scientists researching the deepest crevasses of the ocean.
I came up with some wild stuff. That is what I do best.
But regardless of what you were doing or how I imagined you to look, you were there. In my heart, in my mind, I always carried you with me.
Believe me when I tell you now that there is nothing either of you could have done to prevent what happened. I know that if it had been at all possible, you would have come for me. You protected me as best you could.
Most of all, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was the cause of so much pain in our lives. I'm sorry that Kyle and Emily both suffered because of me. I wish I could make it up to all of you somehow.
Please don't give up. Find each other. Now that I am gone, The Centre won't pursue you so intently. Perhaps you will be safer. Being together and staying that way can be a real possibility.
I will leave this journal with someone I trust, along with instructions to give it to Ethan when the chance arises. I want him to share these ramblings of mine with you. Give you some insight into the man I have become.
I hope it is someone you can be proud of.
As a final favor to me, I ask that you take Ethan into our family in my stead. He is a part of us, even though he is part of the Parkers as well. He wasn't as lucky as I am. He never understood what it felt like to be loved. I believe he can learn from you.
I was told once that Ethan would one day find you for me. I hope it is true. I hope these pages find their way to you one day.
Know that I loved you. I thought of you every day of my life.
My love goes with you. And love never really dies.
-
Your son, Jarod.
07/26/03
-
The Last Notebook
By Phenyx
-
Dear Mom and Dad,
I wish so much of our lives had been different. But wishing and wanting just isn't enough to change the reality of what we had.
I am so glad for the time you and I did spend together, Dad. Brief as it was. You cannot understand how important it was to me, to learn my name, to know my birthday. They will be little more than numbers and letters carved into my tombstone, but without them, I am no one. I was nothing before I found you and learned that simple truth.
For a long time as a child, I wondered if I had been abandoned. I had been told that my parents left me at The Centre in order to train my gifts. Learning that I had been stolen from you was a frightening discovery. But it helped, knowing that I had not been discarded, forgotten or sold. I didn't belong to The Centre. They did not own me.
Knowing that I had been taken, and that my parents still searched for me, made a huge difference in my outlook on life. I was not one of the forgotten lonely masses. I was loved. There were people who cared about me because of who I was, not what I could do for them. My self-worth improved more than you can know.
To love and be loved is a gift many people never receive, and far too many others take for granted. I am so grateful that you have allowed me to learn just how wonderful that gift really is.
I sometimes try to imagine what our lives would have been like if we had never been separated. To be honest I have nothing on which to base these musings except for tales in the books I've read and old shows I've seen on television. As a result the picture that comes to mind is some oddball combination of Happy Days and Oliver Twist.
It sounds strange, I admit, but I can be a pretty strange character sometimes. Just ask Miss Parker, she'll be glad to expound on that fact. I've always had a weird sense of humor. I've often wondered if that was something I inherited from one of you. I hope so.
I want you to know that my faith in you has kept me sane through many a difficult time. Even when I thought you both dead, I tried to keep your memory close to my heart. When I could no longer remember who you were or what you looked like, I made things up. I would think up scenarios that would explain your long absence. I pretended you were secret agents, deep undercover in Asia. I made believe you were scientists researching the deepest crevasses of the ocean.
I came up with some wild stuff. That is what I do best.
But regardless of what you were doing or how I imagined you to look, you were there. In my heart, in my mind, I always carried you with me.
Believe me when I tell you now that there is nothing either of you could have done to prevent what happened. I know that if it had been at all possible, you would have come for me. You protected me as best you could.
Most of all, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was the cause of so much pain in our lives. I'm sorry that Kyle and Emily both suffered because of me. I wish I could make it up to all of you somehow.
Please don't give up. Find each other. Now that I am gone, The Centre won't pursue you so intently. Perhaps you will be safer. Being together and staying that way can be a real possibility.
I will leave this journal with someone I trust, along with instructions to give it to Ethan when the chance arises. I want him to share these ramblings of mine with you. Give you some insight into the man I have become.
I hope it is someone you can be proud of.
As a final favor to me, I ask that you take Ethan into our family in my stead. He is a part of us, even though he is part of the Parkers as well. He wasn't as lucky as I am. He never understood what it felt like to be loved. I believe he can learn from you.
I was told once that Ethan would one day find you for me. I hope it is true. I hope these pages find their way to you one day.
Know that I loved you. I thought of you every day of my life.
My love goes with you. And love never really dies.
-
Your son, Jarod.
