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Disclaimer: See part 1
07/26/03
-
The Last Notebook
By Phenyx
-
I walked down to the boardwalk today. Spent the day wandering through the tourist shops and buying greasy, salty food from a variety of vendors. Greedy seagulls flocked overhead, hoping to get some discarded scrap of junk food. I obliged them more than once.
Thoughts of Parker haunted me. Everything reminded me of her.
I found a little antique shop full of odds and ends. Wouldn't you know, they had a funny little collection of rabbits. Ceramic rabbits, pewter and cast iron rabbits. There was a little planter and a set of salt and pepper shakers shaped like the little critters. A couple of them were really cute, some were garish, and there was a lovely broach with the bunny peeking out between two rose petals.
I bought every rabbit I could find.
As I headed back to the condo, I passed a gaming booth and found one more. The stand was one of those carnival games where you need to toss the ring over a bottle to win the prize. One of the prizes was a powder blue stuffed bunny like you find all over the place at Easter. It's very plush and soft. Its glass eyes are painted a warm and twinkling gray.
I set out to win it. I should have simply handed the guy at the stand a fifty and bought it outright but winning it seemed so important at the time. I spent just as much in the effort. During the process, I discovered that I can't see out of my left eye. I'm not sure how long my vision has been impaired and it scared me a bit.
But I had no time to dwell on it. I had to concentrate on my task.
I year ago I could have won with the first toss of a ring. But now, my hand to eye coordination is gone. I should have realized. I've been dropping things lately. Even my handwriting has started to change.
So it took nearly an hour and more attempts than I am willing to admit, but I finally won the plush toy.
I brought my booty back to the beach house and sorted them, wrapped them and packed them each in boxes. I'm going to give her the prize rabbit first. I'll leave it on her doorstep tonight. The others I will take to the lawyer and arrange for annual deliveries on her birthday. I'll be dead for fifteen years before she gets her last present from me.
Each box contains a little card. At first, I thought of writing nonsense clues on each card. She will expect something like that. But I decided against it. I considered snippets of poetry, but that seemed too out of character. She would get suspicious. Finally, I settled for a simple Happy Birthday.
I signed each note with "Love, Jarod." That will really piss her off, but I just couldn't resist.
--
I fell asleep after wrapping all the boxes. As a result, I didn't head for Parker's until very early this morning. The cabbie looked at me funny when I asked him to drop me off on a dark corner at the end of her street. But he didn't say anything about me or the strange bit of fluff I carried.
It was still dark when I crept up to her house and propped the stuffed bunny in a sitting position on her front step. I hid in the bushes at the end of her yard to watch her find it.
Dawn was just creeping over the horizon when her front door opened. She must have been looking for the newspaper. Her hair, still tangled from sleep, was a soft mop around her face. She wore a green silk bathrobe with some kind of design across the lapel. I could see bare leg all the way up her thigh as she bent over to retrieve my offering.
I had left no note this time, but I think she knew that it was from me. Who else knows about her soft spot for bunnies?
She was wary at first. Frowning at the silly little object as she turned it over in her hands. She brushed the soft fabric across her cheek and I saw her eyes flutter closed for a moment. Then the most incredible thing happened. She smiled.
Her face broke out in the most innocent, delighted grin I've ever seen.
I won't go back. I won't see her again.
I want my last image of her to be the one I saw this morning. Standing on her front porch, with the rising sunlight glimmering in her hair, her smile transformed her into a creature of such wonder and beauty that I felt my heart stop. I know now why fate has always been so cruel to her. The angels envy her magnificence and they punish her out of pettiness and spite.
The devil may take me and force me to toil in the deepest flames of Hell for all eternity, but he can never take the miracle of that smile away from me.
It is mine.
--
I'm on the beach again. I've spent the afternoon swimming, sun bathing and walking along the surf.
In my mind's eye I can still see her on her porch. I close my eyes and bring up that mental picture and I am just as enthralled as I was the first time. She'd been gone for hours, driven off to work I assume, before I found the will to move from my hiding spot.
I've thought of little else all day.
One thing troubles me though. I can't help but wonder, how long will she continue looking for me? Will she go on searching? Her only clues to follow will be the annual gift-wrapped boxes containing the rabbit knickknacks. How long will she go on before she gives up? Will she ever give in?
Something tells me that she won't.
She is a stubborn woman. She would never submit. Especially if she thought that by doing so, I would somehow gain the upper hand.
How long will she continue searching, not realizing that she chases only my ghost? How many phone calls will she answer, thinking that the silence on the other end is me?
It gives me chills, just thinking about it. I can easily imagine her wasting her life pursuing nonexistent leads, chasing a specter around the globe.
I can't do that to her. She must know. I can't just disappear, never to return. I refuse to be another unanswered question in her life. Lord knows she already has enough of those.
I need to put closure on this aspect of her existence. I can't leave her in the dark about what has happened to me.
Perhaps that is what this notebook is ultimately all about. These notes are my way of learning to let go. I am coming to terms with the fact that my life is ending. There are others. Parker is not the only one I need to release.
I need to say goodbye.
07/26/03
-
The Last Notebook
By Phenyx
-
I walked down to the boardwalk today. Spent the day wandering through the tourist shops and buying greasy, salty food from a variety of vendors. Greedy seagulls flocked overhead, hoping to get some discarded scrap of junk food. I obliged them more than once.
Thoughts of Parker haunted me. Everything reminded me of her.
I found a little antique shop full of odds and ends. Wouldn't you know, they had a funny little collection of rabbits. Ceramic rabbits, pewter and cast iron rabbits. There was a little planter and a set of salt and pepper shakers shaped like the little critters. A couple of them were really cute, some were garish, and there was a lovely broach with the bunny peeking out between two rose petals.
I bought every rabbit I could find.
As I headed back to the condo, I passed a gaming booth and found one more. The stand was one of those carnival games where you need to toss the ring over a bottle to win the prize. One of the prizes was a powder blue stuffed bunny like you find all over the place at Easter. It's very plush and soft. Its glass eyes are painted a warm and twinkling gray.
I set out to win it. I should have simply handed the guy at the stand a fifty and bought it outright but winning it seemed so important at the time. I spent just as much in the effort. During the process, I discovered that I can't see out of my left eye. I'm not sure how long my vision has been impaired and it scared me a bit.
But I had no time to dwell on it. I had to concentrate on my task.
I year ago I could have won with the first toss of a ring. But now, my hand to eye coordination is gone. I should have realized. I've been dropping things lately. Even my handwriting has started to change.
So it took nearly an hour and more attempts than I am willing to admit, but I finally won the plush toy.
I brought my booty back to the beach house and sorted them, wrapped them and packed them each in boxes. I'm going to give her the prize rabbit first. I'll leave it on her doorstep tonight. The others I will take to the lawyer and arrange for annual deliveries on her birthday. I'll be dead for fifteen years before she gets her last present from me.
Each box contains a little card. At first, I thought of writing nonsense clues on each card. She will expect something like that. But I decided against it. I considered snippets of poetry, but that seemed too out of character. She would get suspicious. Finally, I settled for a simple Happy Birthday.
I signed each note with "Love, Jarod." That will really piss her off, but I just couldn't resist.
--
I fell asleep after wrapping all the boxes. As a result, I didn't head for Parker's until very early this morning. The cabbie looked at me funny when I asked him to drop me off on a dark corner at the end of her street. But he didn't say anything about me or the strange bit of fluff I carried.
It was still dark when I crept up to her house and propped the stuffed bunny in a sitting position on her front step. I hid in the bushes at the end of her yard to watch her find it.
Dawn was just creeping over the horizon when her front door opened. She must have been looking for the newspaper. Her hair, still tangled from sleep, was a soft mop around her face. She wore a green silk bathrobe with some kind of design across the lapel. I could see bare leg all the way up her thigh as she bent over to retrieve my offering.
I had left no note this time, but I think she knew that it was from me. Who else knows about her soft spot for bunnies?
She was wary at first. Frowning at the silly little object as she turned it over in her hands. She brushed the soft fabric across her cheek and I saw her eyes flutter closed for a moment. Then the most incredible thing happened. She smiled.
Her face broke out in the most innocent, delighted grin I've ever seen.
I won't go back. I won't see her again.
I want my last image of her to be the one I saw this morning. Standing on her front porch, with the rising sunlight glimmering in her hair, her smile transformed her into a creature of such wonder and beauty that I felt my heart stop. I know now why fate has always been so cruel to her. The angels envy her magnificence and they punish her out of pettiness and spite.
The devil may take me and force me to toil in the deepest flames of Hell for all eternity, but he can never take the miracle of that smile away from me.
It is mine.
--
I'm on the beach again. I've spent the afternoon swimming, sun bathing and walking along the surf.
In my mind's eye I can still see her on her porch. I close my eyes and bring up that mental picture and I am just as enthralled as I was the first time. She'd been gone for hours, driven off to work I assume, before I found the will to move from my hiding spot.
I've thought of little else all day.
One thing troubles me though. I can't help but wonder, how long will she continue looking for me? Will she go on searching? Her only clues to follow will be the annual gift-wrapped boxes containing the rabbit knickknacks. How long will she go on before she gives up? Will she ever give in?
Something tells me that she won't.
She is a stubborn woman. She would never submit. Especially if she thought that by doing so, I would somehow gain the upper hand.
How long will she continue searching, not realizing that she chases only my ghost? How many phone calls will she answer, thinking that the silence on the other end is me?
It gives me chills, just thinking about it. I can easily imagine her wasting her life pursuing nonexistent leads, chasing a specter around the globe.
I can't do that to her. She must know. I can't just disappear, never to return. I refuse to be another unanswered question in her life. Lord knows she already has enough of those.
I need to put closure on this aspect of her existence. I can't leave her in the dark about what has happened to me.
Perhaps that is what this notebook is ultimately all about. These notes are my way of learning to let go. I am coming to terms with the fact that my life is ending. There are others. Parker is not the only one I need to release.
I need to say goodbye.
