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the lurker
He had forgotten how hot and sticky it could be at the lake. How many summers had it been since he had bothered to vacation at the cabin? He couldn't recall, although he suspected that the last time was before Jacob's coma. It had to be close to thirty years. He looked across the lake from his vantage point on the porch; it was slightly hazy, and the afternoon sun simply added to the feeling of oppression weighting down his heart.
Momentarily he returned his attention to the book he was reading, The Pilot, by Cooper. One of the dryer books by the author, it was largely a tale of the hardships of nautical life, and unfortunately befit Sydney's dark mood. And worse still, he knew how it was going to end.
He closed the book, and once again, stared out across the lake. He wasn't exactly sure from where the sadness within him was emanating, but his entire being felt burdened by it. He had thought that he just needed some time away from the arduous air at the Centre, to relax and clear his mind; but he had merely been fooling himself. His mood had nothing to do with the Centre, and everything to do with himself. And more to the point, his feelings of isolation.
The sensation had crept upon him more than a month ago. Sydney couldn't really say what specifically had triggered it, but the emptiness and loneliness had quickly overwhelmed him. No one at the Centre had noticed, all of them too caught up in their own affairs to realize that he had withdrawn completely, rarely speaking unless first spoken to. And of course, he hadn't really expected anyone to catch it, except maybe Broots or Miss Parker; but even they had failed to notice his waning enthusiasm.
A slight smile of irony curved his lips. The very thing he had warned Miss Parker of regarding her own life, he had done. He had slowly been erecting a wall around himself, and knew he shouldn't be wondering why he was alone. The smile turned into a chuckle of reality and despair. It was so poignant, it was funny to him. His entire life had turned into the search for Jarod. There was nothing else, and no one. There was also no one to blame, save for himself.
Sydney stood slowly, pulling in a breath of air. He set his book down on the porch railing, and shoving his hands far down into the pockets of his shorts, he walked toward the shoreline of the lake. He strolled to the old wooden dock, the one that he and Jacob had built one summer, and stopped short, tears suddenly filling his eyes. Jacob. God did he miss him.
Allowing the sadness to wash over him, he stood, his head tilting up toward the blue sky. Was he so terrible a human being that he deserved to lose everyone he had ever loved in his life? He couldn't help but ponder the question. He knew that for his part in the dealings of the Centre, and specifically the pretender project, he deserved whatever came his way; but how much more could he be expected to pay in this lifetime? He closed his eyes as the tears rolled down his cheeks, and he allowed his chin to fall to his chest.
"I think I've only seen you cry one other time."
Sydney started, but did not turn, "How did you know to find me here?"
"It seemed logical, so I took a chance." Jarod let the silence lie for a moment, then continued, "I've never known you to take a vacation Sydney. What's wrong?"
Sydney smiled to himself and began walking on the dock, Jarod following a pace behind, "Nothing and everything, Jarod."
"That's not an answer."
The psychiatrist shrugged slightly, "Perhaps not. Maybe I don't have an answer."
"You have an answer for everything."
Sydney turned sharply, "No, Jarod, you're the one with all the answers. I'm afraid I have none left."
Jarod stared into the deep brown eyes of his mentor, "Sydney..... you look so sad."
Sydney glanced away, and after a moment felt the sting of tears, and he turned his back to Jarod once again, "It's nothing, Jarod. I'm just a little....."
His voice died out, and a frown creased Jarod's face. For a long moment, neither man moved, and the humidity in the air hung on their silence. Jarod was at a loss; he had never known Sydney to have a problem which he couldn't handle, nor was it the man's way to wallow in self pity.
The young man's voice softened, "Can I do anything?"
Sydney shook his head and walked toward the end of the dock, "No, Jarod, thank you, but no."
Jarod watched his mentor stop at the end of the dock, and sit down, allowing his feet to dangle over the side. He shook his head; this wasn't the man he knew. This was not Sydney. The pretender shuffled out to the end of the dock, and quietly sat next to the only man he had really known as a father. He stared at the familiar profile, and for the first time, noticed how Sydney had aged.
"It's odd to see you so vulnerable." His mentor merely shrugged in answer, so Jarod pushed on, "Miss Parker's worried about you, you know. So is Mr. Broots."
Sydney looked into Jarod's eyes, "What makes you think that?"
"I spoke with them this morning."
"Then you took an awful chance coming here, Jarod. If Miss Parker really is concerned, this is the first place she will think of looking."
"Is that why you chose it?"
Sydney smiled ironically, "Probably......I couldn't get Jacob out of my mind."
A light of recollection flashed across Jarod's face, "Oh Sydney, this is the anniversary of Jacob's death, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"You still miss him....."
Sydney's eyes once again filled with moisture, "I will always miss him. The best part of me died with my brother."
Jarod put a tentative arm around Sydney's shoulder, and after a moment, Sydney allowed himself to be pulled into a warm embrace.
"It's okay, Sydney. Jacob knew how much you loved him. You have to hold onto that....and onto the people who are still your family."
Sydney closed his eyes and let the man he thought of as a son, continue to hold him tightly. The weight of his heart lifted slightly, knowing that there were still people who cared about him; knowing that he was still loved. It was good to know he wasn't alone.
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