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the lurker
He walked along the shoreline of Blue Cove, staring out at the water; the sting of her words, still fresh....
“I wasn’t the one who used him for experiments and simulations, and I didn’t keep him locked up for thirty years. That’s all on your head, Sydney. I’m just trying to clean it up. If anyone needs to feel guilty about Jarod, it’s you, not me, nor anyone else here at the Centre.”
He stopped near the edge of the rocks, the Centre looming in darkness behind him. He shivered inside his coat, it was chilly and damp, and the cold was cutting right into him. He sat down on a large rock and listened to the waves slap against it. The water looked threatening at night, more so than the day, at least to him. The blackness of it was immense and unforgiving. And perhaps that was what he deserved.
Sydney had always tried to tell himself that the work he was doing at the Centre was important, that in the end, it would all be worth it. But deep down, he knew differently. He should have left years ago; he should never have agreed to take part in the pretender project. Yet at the time, the scientist in him couldn’t turn away. The Centre had also not been entirely honest with him. A sarcastic smile lit his face at that thought. How many things over the years had they lied to him about? It would fill a phone book.
There had been many moments through the years during which he had consoled himself with the idea that had it not been for him, Jarod would not have survived it. But Parker was right; everything that had happened to Jarod was his responsibility. While he had not condoned many of the things which had been done, he hadn’t stopped them either. He had gone along in the name of science.
Science. How he had grown to despise the word. At first he had embraced it, and the love of its discovery. The chance to unleash a great mind like Jarod’s onto so many paths previously not explored had been a wonderful opportunity. Or at least it should have been. A small smile tugged at the corners of Sydney’s mouth as he remembered the endless hours the two of them had spent, working on projects that could have made a difference in the world. It was only in later years that Sydney had realized that their work was being distorted and sold to the highest bidder, instead of being used to help others.
And even then he made excuses to himself. He had continued on by telling himself that it was only through this avenue that he could work with Jarod, mentor him, teach him, and mold him into a man who could solve almost any problem; more than that, a man who knew the distinction between right and wrong. A man who ultimately could make a difference in the world, if only given the chance. It had all been a lie. Sydney’s entire life’s work had been used for the purposes of destruction and heartache, and he had taken Jarod down this road with him.
The sadness of it was almost too much to bear. How many years had been wasted, trying to hunt Jarod down like some kind of escaped animal? At least Jarod had eluded them, and he continued to make a dent in the trash of the world, by using the skills that Sydney had taught him. Discovering Jarod’s deeds from afar was all Sydney had left, and he clung to it as tightly as his damaged soul allowed. Jarod was his only source of pride, and he knew in reality, he had no right to claim any part of it. Maybe that simple fact was what hurt most of all.
He slammed his eyes shut against the pain of memory as it drifted through his mind. How many times over the years had he betrayed Jarod? A hundred? A thousand? He couldn’t say for sure. The only thing of which he was certain, was that whatever misfortunes had come his way over the years, he deserved them. Parker was right, it was all on his head, and he knew it. A solitary tear rolled down his cheek, and he wiped it away. There was no use crying over what was done, and no use wishing for things to be different. He had made his bed, and now he must lie in it. Jarod would never completely forgive him, nor trust him; he had to accept that.
The worst part was in the knowing. Knowing what might have been. Knowing that had he made other choices, the man he thought of as a son, would not think of him as an enemy. It had all been such a senseless waste. Parker may have said it in anger, but that didn’t make her words any less valid. The shrill ringing of the cell phone in his pocket jolted him from his morbid thoughts.
“Sydney...”
“That was a nice try this morning, Sydney, but you were way off the mark.”
“Yes.”
“I guess the Centre will have to try again tomorrow.”
“Yes.”
Jarod frowned on his end; Sydney wasn’t accepting his chiding with his normal cheery banter. “Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“Sydney, where are you?”
“It doesn’t matter, Jarod.”
“Has something happened?”
“No.”
“You don’t normally answer me in monosyllables.” Sydney remained silent, and Jarod pushed further, “Sydney, are you still there?”
“Yes.”
Jarod sighed, it was not at all what he had intended, “Look, I shouldn’t have gone so far this morning, I meant it as a joke on Miss Parker and the Centre. I’m sorry Sydney, I didn’t think of how it might affect you--”
“--Jarod.....” Sydney swallowed hard, the words forming in his mouth, tasted like a bitter pill, “You owe me nothing, least of all an apology. I’m the one who’s sorry. I know there’s nothing I can ever say or do to make up for everything that’s happened to you, but I want you to know that I.....well, I regret all of it.”
Sydney terminated the call with one stab of a button. He turned the phone off and put it back into his coat pocket. A gust of wind pounded into him, causing his teeth to chatter. He no longer cared. His heart was consumed by guilt. The guilt of thirty years, the guilt of hurting someone he loved, the guilt of destroying a child.
He could feel the pain of it in the pit of his stomach, it began as a dull throbbing, and it rose through him like a runaway steam engine. He stood, with the thought that he could escape it, but fell to his knees as the vile contents of thirty years came spilling from his guts to the surface with a force of ten thousand trains. After a few minutes, it subsided, and he sat back, on the sand, exhausted. He knew he would never be free of the guilt, nor the grief. They were the only companions that would truly be his in this lifetime.
****************
She had watched him from a glass corridor in Centre, through a pair of binoculars. There was little doubt in her mind that some of what she said to him had been true, but she had had no right to say it. The last thing Sydney ever needed, was help in feeling guilt over Jarod. No one knew that better than she.
Even when Parker was a little girl, she could sense it from him. There had often been an overwhelming sadness hanging over the man like a cloak. While he tried to cover it most of the time, he had never been able to fool her. Not then, and certainly not now. It had been pure cantankerous cruelty on her part to speak to him the way she had, and she knew it. She knew what her words would do to him, and she had been right.
Silently she stood there, observing him from behind the safety of the Centre. She almost went down to the beach after him, but had decided against it; better to let him get it out of his system. Tomorrow would be another day, she knew that; things would return to normal. A tiny smile curved her lips; normal, as if that word could ever be used to describe the Centre.
She watched Sydney walk slowly up from the beach, and back into the building. She glanced at her watch: 11:37pm. It had taken him almost four hours to calm down, and Parker knew where he would wind up. She thought about her best course of action, and made a decision. Her heels clicked on the polished floors as she headed toward the elevator.
***************
Sydney keyed in the code and the door opened. He didn’t bother with the lights; he didn’t need them. Besides, there was a low level glow from the wall simulator, which was always operational. He walked through the door, and closed it behind him. For a long time, he just stood there, taking in the essence of the one person he had never meant to hurt. He walked over toward the desk, which was still as Jarod had left it. Lightly he fingered some of the items upon it, a sad smile curving his lips.
“This morning wasn’t your fault.”
The voice from the darkness made him start, but he didn’t need to turn to know who it was who was waiting there for him.
“I thought we killed him.”
“I know. But it was a ruse on Jarod’s part. A rather cruel one, I might add.”
“He didn’t mean it that way.”
He felt her standing right behind him, “Don’t make excuses for him, Sydney, he’s old enough to know better than that.”
Sydney turned to face her, the blue light from the simulator, casting an eerie halo upon her features, “It doesn’t matter. I got what I deserved from him, and everything you said earlier is true.”
“Bullshit.”
“You merely stated the facts, Parker.”
“I was talking out of my ass. I was angry, Syd, and I was out of line. I was way out of line.” She looked deeply into his eyes, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
Parker stepped away from him and sat down in a nearby chair. For a long moment, there was nothing but the hum of a generator in the room.
Sydney turned toward the chair she was sitting in, “You know, I used to pride myself on the professional distance I kept with him. That was always my reasoning for never showing him the slightest concern, nor offering even a hint of comfort when he needed me--”
“--No, Sydney, that’s Jarod talking. That’s not the complete truth.”
“Isn’t it? He reached out to me so many times, and I turned away from him. I was afraid, Parker; I was afraid the Centre would pull me off the project if they....”
She finished for him, “....if they discovered that you loved him like a son and had lost all scientific perspective?”
He didn’t answer, but she could see in his eyes that it was the truth.
“Well Freud, it’s just a wild guess, but I’d say that cat broke outta that bag long ago.”
Anger tinged his tone, “What do you know of it? You were a child.”
“I was there, Sydney. I remember the way it was. You are way too hard on yourself.” Parker stood up and gripped his arms, “You were there for him, many times when he needed you. And if you hadn’t hidden your feelings from the Centre, you would have been yanked from the project, and who do you think would have raised Jarod then? Nosferatu, that’s who, and we both know where that would have gone. Instead of racing around doing your charity work, Sydney, Jarod would be just another psychotic serial killer loose on the streets.” She let go of his arms, but the intensity in her eyes continued to hold him, “My god, do you have any idea how jealous I was of him? Your entire world revolved around Jarod; I had to piss my father off to get his attention, and even then, it never lasted long. Ironic isn’t it?”
Sydney stared at her for a few moments, too astonished to speak. When he finally did, his voice was guilt ridden, and so soft she could barely hear him.
“I tried to.....care for both of you.”
A sardonic laugh escaped her lips, “I wasn’t accusing you of anything Sydney, just pointing out the irony of our sick little family here at the Centre.” She paused for a beat, then, “Besides, it’s not as if I wanted your attention then, anymore than I do now. Get over yourself Dr. Doolittle, we’re not all as needy as your prized pupil. Which reminds me,” she reached into his pocket, pulled out the cell phone and turned it back on, “You don’t want to miss any of wonderboy’s calls, now do you?”
Parker smiled at him and walked toward the door.
“How did you know the phone was--?” Then it hit him, “You were watching me. You were worried.”
She turned toward him as she opened the door, “Don’t flatter yourself, Freud. I was just protecting the Centre’s interests; you miss a call, we could miss a chance to catch Jarod. Now go home and get some sleep. You look like shit.”
Before he could say anything, she was gone. He smiled in her wake; in her own way, Parker cared deeply for him, no matter how hard she tried to cover it. His cell phone rang, seizing his attention.
“This is Sydney.”
“Are you all right?”
Sydney smiled at the sound of Jarod’s voice, “Yes. I’m sorry if I worried you.”
“I wasn’t worried exactly; I knew Miss Parker would take care of you.”
Sydney could see the smile he knew to be on Jarod’s face. The two little devils had maneuvered him since there were children; why should now be any different? He got the message.
“And I love both of you, too.”
It was a simple statement of fact. Sydney terminated the call and walked out of Jarod’s room.
