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Chapter or Story
The Visit - by MMB
Chapter 11 - Crucible
"You've decided WHAT?"
Parker didn't need to turn from rinsing the breakfast dishes to see the expression on her Papa's face - his tone of voice had communicated his surprise and consternation quite adequately. "I said I'm going to tell Paul everything," she repeated softly so as not to let the quiver of nervousness shake her determination. "Today, at lunch."
"Are you sure, ma petite?" Papa moved behind her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Are you ready for that?"
"It isn't going to be a question of getting ready," she glanced into his warm and concerned eyes quickly and then back down to her work. "I thought about it for a long time last night - and I've decided I don't want any of that in the way. I need to know if..."
"If he would still want you in his life if he knew who you really are," Papa finished for her. "Under normal circumstances, I'd be applauding you. But how many nightmares did you have last night?"
"That has nothing to do with it..."
"Yes," his hand on her shoulder pressed firmly enough to turn her to look at him, "it does. "If you intend to tell him everything, you need to be ready for the questions - for having to touch memories that still make you scream at night to explain yourself." His hand cupped her cheek. "I'm very proud of you for wanting to set the record straight. Never doubt that. My only concern is that you don't do yourself more damage in the process."
She looked at him with an expression of deep sadness. "I can't let this go on any longer, Papa. It seems that this relationship has a chance of actually going somewhere - I've decided that I'd like to see if it CAN go somewhere - and I don't want to jeopardize my chance by having him only know lies and misdirection about me." She took a deep breath. "And if it means that my nightmares get worse for a while, then sobeit. That will have to be the price I pay for having misled him in the first place."
"Tell me the deliberate lies you've told him," Papa insisted.
"I called my half-brother my nephew, I claimed that you're my father..."
Papa nodded thoughtfully. "You know how much lies and half-truths were a part of day-to-day living at the Centre - you and I, we've just continued in that way without even thinking about it. But when it comes to the boy, certainly you remember what Broots told us about finding Lyle and Brigitte together in a compromising situation in your father's office, don't you? Mr. Parker was virtually sterile, sweetheart - his chance of being your father was less than one in ten, remember? Tell me how a man who couldn't conceive a child with his wife in his prime was going to get a woman with fertility problems of her own pregnant as an old man. We can't be sure if he's..."
Parker shook her head. "Do you think I haven't thought of this before, Papa? That little boy could be anybody's child. For all I know, he could be another of Daddy's and Raines' eugenics experiment using reproductive material from me and Jarod to try to create a new generation of Pretenders, my SON!" That took Papa aback - his face paled by several degrees. "This IS the Centre we're talking about after all - anything could be possible. But. It. Doesn't. Matter. On paper, he's my half-brother. Paul needs to know this." She gazed at him determinedly. "Just as he needs to know that while you ARE going to be adopting me legally, you aren't my real father. Just the father I wish I'd had all along."
"How much do you intend to tell him?"
"As much as he wants to know about. Everything, if need be." She turned slightly, shut off the rinse water, and then leaned back against him. "I'm scared, but I have to do this."
His arms enclosed her and held her close. "I'm behind you, one hundred percent," he promised her softly. "Whatever happens."
She turned in his arms and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Hold me, Papa."
"I have you, ma petite," he reassured her gently. "You're safe with me. Everything will be as it should be." He felt her snuggle. "And if Paul really is falling in love with you, he'll recognize and appreciate what you're doing."
"I'm just afraid that he's going to be so angry - IF he even believes me, that is..."
"What do you mean, IF he believes you?"
She shook her head against his shoulder. "You have to admit that, coming from anybody else, the truth as we know it would sound pretty far out..."
"Hmmmm." Unfortunately, she had a point. "Still, granted that he believes you, the worst I'd expect of him would be to be quite disappointed that you didn't trust him from the start," Papa hushed at her, rubbing her back with one hand moving in small circles. "But either way, I doubt he'll be genuinely angry with you. I told him enough yesterday, I think, that he should be able to make the connections properly. He could see for himself how ill you were when you first came..." He fell silent and just held her close for a long moment. "I do wonder about the timing, however. Do you think telling him and then taking off for Delaware is the proper way to do things?"
She nodded against his shoulder. "It will give him some time to think things through too, if he needs it - and hopefully it will give me the time to prepare myself for having things fall apart when I get back." She sighed. "I read somewhere once that it was always wise to expect and plan for the worst and hope for the best - because that way, one would never be disappointed."
Papa kissed her hair near her ear and just held her, letting her lean for as long as she wanted to. He closed his eyes and prayed silently that Paul be as understanding and accepting a man as he had always seemed. Parker's inner strength had been sorely tested of late - losing Paul to the truth would be a hard blow for her new life to survive this soon. He could appreciate the wisdom of telling the tall professor the truth now, before leaving for an indeterminate time. She was right - her time away would give Paul the time he'd need to decide if he wanted to pursue matters further while also giving her the chance to mentally prepare herself for the worst.
And not for the first time, he felt the helplessness of being a parent having to let a beloved child make her own way in the world. He knew he couldn't protect her from this - he could only be here to give her support and comfort no matter which way things went in the end. He wondered suddenly if Jarod had ever appreciated how much he'd relied on his old mentor for comfort and support in those long-gone days - or if Jarod could have known how much he'd enjoyed filling the role of touchstone. He also chastised himself mentally one more time for ever having tried to fool himself into believing that he hadn't been just emotionally invested in his protégé back when as he could ever be in his daughter now. Holding his only remaining child to his heart tightly, he counted his blessing that he was being openly allowed this double-edged gift of parenthood after all.
~~~~~~~~
Papa pulled his silver sedan to the curb not far from the ASU student union building and pointed out to Parker the door she'd want to go through. He then turned and gazed at his daughter sympathetically and appreciatively. She'd dressed in his favorite sundress - the cream colored one with the blue sunflowers - and donned her topaz necklace like an amulet. She rarely went anywhere without it anymore, which was something that touched and pleased him in a very private way. With a small purse on a thin, white, leather shoulder strap and lightweight sunglasses holding her curls back from her face, she looked like the quintessential Arizona woman. She was so beautiful - and so very frightened. Her face was pale, and he could see her having to work hard to maintain a very neutral expression otherwise.
He picked up her hand as it lay on the seat next to him. "You'll be fine," he told her gently. "You can do this."
"I know," she said, her fingers curling around his. "I'll just be glad when it's over, you know?"
He nodded, then leaned over and deposited a fond kiss on her cheek. "You have your cell phone, so you can call me when you're through?"
She nodded and patted her little purse. "Right here."
"Ready?"
She knew that behind those dark glasses that Papa wore to drive in the daytime, his chestnut eyes were filled with love and concern for her. "Not really, but..." She drew in a long, deep breath. "Here goes." She leaned over and kissed his cheek in return. "Wish me luck, Papa."
"You know I do," he replied gently as she positioned her sunglasses where they could do some good and then climbed from his car. "You'll be fine," he repeated.
She pasted on a shaky smile and patted the top of the sedan and then began walking sedately across the sidewalks toward the student union building. Behind her, she eventually heard the soft purr of Papa's car pulling away from the curb. She took a deep breath as she reached the darkened glass doors, and then reached out to pull one open.
"There you are," Paul's voice sounded from not far away. Her eyes were barely getting used to the internal shade before she felt his hand at her elbow, his kiss on her cheek. "And wouldn't you know it, you're the prettiest lady on campus today."
She smiled as she settled the sunglasses back amid her curls, grateful for the compliment as a way to begin her difficult lunch on an optimistic note. "Thanks," she replied softly as she slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow.
Paul enjoyed the fact that several of the pretty coeds who had been chasing him this past term were in attendance when he escorted Parker down the stairs toward the combination lunch counter and cafeteria, and that they suddenly found an excuse to avert their eyes. Maybe now they'd stop hanging around his office building in the hopes that catching the professor's eye would lead to a date. A couple of his colleagues from the Social Sciences Department glanced up and then stared as he let Parker lead the way into the cafeteria and the line to the cashier. Paul wasn't too unhappy about that either - he was getting tired of the less-than-subtle suggestions for blind dates from them. Maybe now they'd see that he'd managed quite nicely without their help!
"You're very quiet today," he said softly as they each collected a tray, populated it with plate and silver and then moved toward the salad bar.
"I know," she responded with a glance up into his face. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'm just glad you're actually here." He dished some of the lettuce from the deep bowl onto her plate. "Is everything OK?"
"We need to talk," she answered him frankly and then met his startled and apprehensive hazel gaze. "When we sit down," she added with a glance at the people around them.
"All right," he conceded warily. From her expression, he couldn't be sure that what she had to tell him was good news or bad - he only hoped that he hadn't overstepped himself the day before on her landing. "Tell me one thing though?"
"What's that?"
"Are WE still OK?"
The grey eyes connected solidly with his. "That will be up to you after you've heard what I have to say," she replied very cryptically before returning her attention to studying the array of appetizing foods she had from which to choose. Paul followed suit feeling even more confused and a-sea. What WAS it about this woman that kept him continually off-balance?
Finally they had their plates and drinks and headed toward the back of the room, where a number of semi-private booths were situated - one conveniently unoccupied. The two slipped quietly into their seats on opposite sides of the table. "OK," Paul said almost immediately. "We're alone..."
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," she began lamely, then paused for a brief moment of pain as she remembered saying something very similar to Thomas not very long before his death years ago. She deliberately turned away from that to look up into concerned hazel. "And since last night, I've been thinking that you... no, that I..." She paused to organize her thoughts. "I've been thinking that the time has come for you to know some of these things - because they may change the way you feel..."
"Parker, no." His big hand came out to grasp hers across the table. "I told you that you wouldn't lose me - I meant what I said."
"Hear me out first," she asked in a plaintive voice, "and then you can decide if you want to be held to that."
"All right," he agreed, hanging onto her hand still. "What is it that you want to tell me?"
"First," she started, feeling a slight sense of nausea beginning to build in her stomach, "my name isn't Parker Green." The way his eyes folded in concern only stirred the nausea. "My name IS Parker - but it's the family name of the man I believed to be my father, not my given name. Daddy never let anybody call me anything but MISS Parker - so people began to call me Parker for short. Papa..." Here she looked down, not willing to watch the disillusion that would inevitably come. "And Papa isn't my real father. He's the father I wish I'd had - and a man who did help raise me when I was younger. He's the only one who cared enough to come back for me..."
"I don't know about your exact relationship with Sydney, but watching you two together generally leaves very little doubt that you love each other as if you were his daughter," Paul said. "And I know you two have known each other since you were quite young. You were remembering chess games that took place when you were what? Twelve?" He tipped his head. "But if your name isn't Parker, what is it?"
"My mother named me Mariel."
"Pretty name for a pretty lady," he commented earnestly.
She shook her head. "That may be, but I've been Parker too long. When we get all the paperwork straightened out, my name WILL be Parker Green - legally - and I WILL be Papa's daughter - legally. I've asked him to adopt me, and he's agreed."
Paul gazed at her with cautious skepticism. "What about your real parents? Where are they - dead?"
"My mother... faked her suicide when I was ten, and then was murdered a few months later by a man she'd trusted to keep her safe." Parker's voice was stark. "The man I believed to be my father jumped from a plane in the middle of the night in the middle of the Atlantic a little over a year ago."
The steel grey eyebrows had climbed halfway to his hairline. "Is this for real? Parker..."
"I didn't want to lie to you, but..." She sighed. "You see, it was easier to just tell you I was Papa's daughter because the truth was so hard to believe, too fantastic." A single tear dropped from her eyelashes onto her cheek. "I also wasn't sure that it was safe to tell anyone who I was - they might have been looking for me..."
"Who?" Paul's voice had gained a note of real disbelief. "Was someone after you?"
Parker took a deep breath. His reaction was nothing less or more than what she'd hoped WOULDN'T happen - she knew her story sounded like the rantings of a conspiracy fanatic. "You've heard of The Centre in the news recently..."
"Yes..." Paul frowned. Some of the reports starting to trickle out to the media about what had gone on in that organization had been pretty fantastic. "What about it?"
"The man I believe was my father was the Chairman there until his death a little over a year ago. My last job, the one I really didn't want to talk about on Sunday, was as the head of the Security and Information Systems department. Papa - Sydney - was the head of the Psychogenics department."
Now Paul was shaking his head. "You didn't really expect me to believe all this, do you?" He asked, then took a bite of his salad and chuckled. "Honestly, Parker, you had me worried there for a moment, until I remembered that your father has a pretty quirky sense of humor too... I bet you two worked for days thinking this one through... I'll have to admit that this is a pretty decent pay-back for not telling him about Lydia, though..."
She'd gone too far to quit now. He needed to at least hear all of it - whether he believed it or not, it seemed, was going to be another question. "Paul, listen to me. Lyle - the man they picked up for all those murders of Asian girls?" He nodded. "That's my twin brother."
"Parker... Stop." She wasn't stopping, even though he'd figured out the prank. Paul blinked. Either she was an excellent actress, for her look of guilt was quite believable, or what she was saying actually WAS the truth. If so...
"And the little boy that Papa and I are going back to Delaware for? We're not exactly sure how or even if he's related to me. He could be Lyle's son, he could be Daddy's - the man I believed to be my father - and then again, he could be just a genetics experiment. On paper, he's my half-brother - and he was imprisoned at the Centre and abused there..."
God, he hoped that she wouldn't pull his leg about a child in this way! That would be going TOO far. "Did you know this - about the little boy?"
She shook her head. "Not until Sam came." She saw Paul frown. "The man you saw me hugging? He was my personal bodyguard while I worked at the Centre. He came looking for me after they found the child, in case I wanted to take responsibility for the boy because of our supposed blood tie."
"This Sam then - he really was just an old friend, then..."
"Yes." She pushed her tray back, not hungry.
Paul sat back in his seat and looked at her. She looked defeated, as if telling this tale had taken nearly every ounce of strength she had in her. "Is that all of it?"
Startled grey eyes came up to meet his. "Isn't that enough?"
"You have to admit that there are TV shows on the air that have more believable plots than that one..."
"I suppose," she shrugged. "But I can't help it if it's the truth."
Paul stared at her for a long moment, spaghetti hanging forgotten from his fork that he held suspended in mid-air while his mind worked to wrap itself around her story. "All right," he said slowly at last. "Your dad told me yesterday that whatever situation you were in before he went back to get you almost killed you." She nodded somberly. "What almost killed you?"
She swallowed hard. Papa had warned her... "I had been assigned to track down a man who had escaped from the Centre a few years back - he was a security risk for us. When my team and I kept coming up empty on clues to his whereabouts, as team leader I was taken aside in order to supposedly have more incentive instilled in me." The memory that Papa had helped her retrieve was a small mote of psychic agony - but she'd promised herself that she would tell him whatever he wanted to know. "The man who took over the Chairmanship from my father had me drugged and then made a subject in a reanimation experiment." At Paul's look of confusion, she closed her eyes briefly against the memory and asked, "Did you ever see the movie "Flatliners"?"
"Yeah..."
"Yeah." At his look of horror, she merely nodded. "When I was revived, I was told that this would happen again if I didn't start producing results - and maybe the next time, he wouldn't bring me back." Another tear hit the cheek, and then another. "Everyone I'd ever cared about was gone, and I had no way to defend myself against a man who wanted me dead..." She covered her mouth with her hand for a long moment while she at least got her emotions halfway back under control, after which she wiped at her eyes and looked at him directly. "I knew that I was going to die soon - so I stopped eating, stopped caring, gave up living. Then Papa came back and found me, and brought me here..."
"Geez!" Paul could see from the horrified expression in her eyes that this latest detail hadn't been just a story - that just retelling it had upset her greatly. He reached out a hand to her again. "They really did that to you?" She could only nod. "And these were the people you were afraid would find you if you told anyone..." She nodded again. "God! How do you sleep at night?"
"I don't," she answered bitterly. "You can ask Papa - I usually wake him up at around two in the morning just about every night with my screams."
"You ARE serious!"
He was starting to believe, and her nausea surged; but there was more that just HAD to be said. "I have said and done things, Paul, that no self-respecting person should ever have thought of, much less done. I am NOT all sweetness and light." Her voice had grown wispy, as if voicing her own self-judgment was almost more than she could bear. "I don't..." She looked at him, sitting there stunned and confused and very concerned. "You deserve better than me, Paul, and you don't deserve to be held to any kind of promise to be here when I get back from Delaware." She wiped away the tears that were threatening with a frustrated hand and then rose. "I should..."
He grabbed her hand before she could move an inch. "You should sit down and eat your lunch," he directed, not letting her pull away. "Don't you DARE run away from me yet - give me a chance to think my way through everything you just told me..."
"Paul..."
"Sit down, Parker." He looked up at her, her hand firmly in his control. "Please." When she still remained standing, he glanced around. "You don't want to cause a scene, do you?"
"That's blackmail," she complained after glancing around herself and then slipping back into her seat.
"As long as it works," Paul told her seriously, finally letting go of her hand. "Answer me this then: are you really interested in me - in US - or is that just a story too?"
Parker sighed and leaned her forehead into her hand. "If I weren't interested in you, I wouldn't bother trying to make sure you knew exactly what you were getting yourself in for with me," she told him in a frustrated tone. "I wouldn't have bothered telling you a truth that sounds more like the rantings of a crazy woman. I wouldn't have taken the chance that you'd tell me to take a hike." Her voice hitched, and then after a long moment, she sighed again. "I had nothing to gain by telling you this, Paul - and everything to lose. Yes, I'm interested. The question now is whether I've destroyed everything about US by telling you what you wanted to know."
Hazel eyes looked deeply into her grey, as if trying to measure how much he could believe the fantastic tale she'd just spilled into his ear. "God, Parker - you haven't destroyed anything, but..." He wiped a hand down his face. "You gotta admit that this all is pretty far-fetched..."
"I know," she said quietly, picking up her ice water and taking a sip to sooth a mouth suddenly gone quite dry. "I don't know that I would believe me either, if our roles were reversed."
"The stuff that you were able to tell me on Sunday - the stories you told Janine and me - that was the truth?"
She nodded and met his eye directly. "I don't like to lie, Paul. Except for those things that I just told you were about which you'd either been misled or lied to, everything I've told you has been the truth." She looked at him with a combination of frustration and sympathy. "Part of the reason I knew that the time was coming when you had to know everything was that some of the stories I was telling you about Daddy contradicted what you knew about the way Papa - Sydney - would behave. I knew I was confusing you. You had no way of knowing that Daddy and Papa were two different people."
"You can say THAT again," he nodded vigorously. "I can't imagine your fath... Sydney... leaving you in the lurch one Christmas after another. He has always been a man of his word - if he says that he's going to be in a place at a certain time, he's either there or I hear about why he's not going to make it as far ahead of time as he can call. And I've never seen his priorities be anywhere other than where mine would be - and that would be with you, with family." He chewed on his spaghetti for a while. "I'm glad to know that I hadn't misjudged him that badly after all."
"When Papa gives his word," Parker nodded, finally taking another bite of her salad and chewing carefully, "I know he doesn't break it under any circumstance - even when it would be better for HIM if he did. For example, he knew that my mother's suicide was faked - but because he promised her that he wouldn't ever tell me, I had to find it out on my own many years later." Her eyes darkened in memory. "I was so angry with him that day - I think that if he hadn't told me that he'd been keeping a promise to my mom, I'd have killed him."
"You don't really mean that..." Paul's voice died away as her gaze came up to meet his in deadly seriousness.
"I was a different person then," she told him calmly, but in a voice that had a whisper of cold steel behind it that he'd never heard before. "At the time, I was VERY capable of killing him - I even had my gun to his chest, if memory serves..." At his expression of shock, she shrugged. "I told you, I am NOT all sweetness and light. The kind of work the Centre wanted me to do couldn't be done by someone with many scruples."
"What about now?" he wanted to know. "Who are you now?"
She looked down into her food. "I honestly don't know," she answered in a soft voice. "Papa told me that I could begin a new life out here - and that's what I'm here to talk to Dr. Prouse about getting started. Before I came to work for the Centre, I graduated from law school - but never got to use my degree."
"And scruples?"
"I have them," she admitted, looking up. "Papa had been trying to teach them to me before I was sent away to boarding school - and even when we were working together - but now that I've been staying with him, I'm starting to see the reason for them. I'm not proud of the things I did as Miss Parker, Paul. I'm hoping I can make Parker Green a much more decent human being."
"Only hoping?"
She gave him a tiny look of chagrin. "I don't know her very well. She's still in the process of being born."
"Well, then let me tell you about the Parker Green I've come to know in these past few weeks," Paul said gently, reaching out to capture her free hand with his again. "She has a dark and mysterious past that she doesn't want to talk about very often, but she has her heart in the right place. She's been hurt very badly, and still she's willing to take risks to make a good new life for herself. She strikes me as a woman of integrity - someone who would make a very good friend."
"Paul..."
"And I'm very proud to say that somehow she's managed to catch my eye, and I've managed to catch hers." His hazel eyes began to glow. "I'm thinking that I still can't see any reason not to be here when she gets back from Delaware. If I have her father's example to live up to, then I guess I'd better get started, eh?"
When she looked up at him, her storm-grey eyes were swimming in tears. "You mean that?"
He leaned forward across the table and reached out a long arm so that he could cup a hand about her cheek. "I happen to agree with the notion that a person should never make a promise they don't intend to keep. So you listen to me very carefully, Mariel Parker Green, or whatever the hell you intend to have as your name when you get your paperwork straight. I promise you that I will be here waiting for you when you get home from Delaware and taking care of your little brother, nephew, or whatever the hell he is to you. I said I want you in my life - I meant it then, and I mean it now."
It took a while for Parker to compose herself to the point that she could speak without sounding like she was on the verge of tears again. "I was afraid you'd be angry with me - or not believe me."
He smiled at her. "I'm assuming that someday something will happen - someone like this friend of yours, Sam, will come to visit - and confirm what you've told me. And until then, pretty lady, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt."
"Why?" she asked him bluntly. "Why do you want to believe me?"
"Because," he hedged and then looked her directly in the eye. "OK. You told me some hard truths about you - here's one about me: I'm falling in love with you. I know that this is dangerous, letting my emotions get the better of my head..."
"I think I'm falling in love with you too," Parker confessed abruptly, the words tumbling unplanned and like unexpected pebbles into a pond. She blinked in surprise to hear herself, then looked at his directly. "I think I'm in love with you too," she repeated more softly. "It's too soon - you don't know me, I don't know..."
"Sometimes, Parker, we just have to go with these things," he replied with a quirky smile. "If your heart is anything like mine, it never listens to my logic or reason anyway."
"But I told Janine..."
"I heard all about what you told her," he told her, his smile getting wider. "And at the time, your assurance was enough to calm her fears. But she knows you a little bit now - and believe it or not, she genuinely likes you - which is a real accomplishment, BELIEVE me! You have no idea how many conversations I've had with her lately start out with the words, 'Do you think that Parker likes...!'"
"But she's running under the assumption that you and I wouldn't be trying to put anything together as far as a relationship was concerned for a long time... And I know how hard it is when a father starts to think about other women..."
His hand tightened around hers. "We'll just let things happen the way they're going to happen - and deal with Janine's reactions when we face them, OK?"
Her hand turned in his, and her fingers curled around his and squeezed gently. "OK."
"Now," Paul let her go so that he could continue eating his lunch, "you didn't have any OTHER bombshells to drop on me today, did you? Or can we enjoy the rest of our lunch in peace?"
~~~~~~~~*
Parker waited until Sydney had brought the silver sedan to a complete stop at the curb before she rose from the bench, and she held onto the packet of reading material that Dr. Prouse had given her so as not to lose a single one of the valuable papers. "I take it your day went better than you'd expected," Sydney smiled at her as she climbed into the seat next to him. He had been worried all afternoon long and had studied her face and movements as she'd walked over to the car. There was no upset in her face, no hesitation in her steps. She looked and moved as if she knew exactly what she was doing and was secure about it.
"Much better, thanks," she replied, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Paul is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and didn't get angry..."
"See? I told you that I didn't think he'd be the kind of person who'd get angry with you," Sydney patted her hand and put the car into drive again. "Pardon me for being an “I told you so” today..."
"...And Dr. Prouse gave me all kinds of reading material to go through as well as a reading list to begin collecting sometime before next term. He's accepted my application to be included in the post-grad bar exam program to give me a chance to brush up on my law skills before actually sitting the exam."
Papa shifted the car into drive and pulled smoothly away from the curb. "I'd say this calls for a celebration of sorts. Where would you like to go for dinner?"
Parker leaned back against the headrest of her seat and thought for a minute. "Let's do Chinese - but let's order in, if you don't mind. I've been surrounded by more people today than I have since I came here, and I'm ready for some peace and quiet with just the two of us."
"Does being around a large number of people make you nervous now?" he asked, glancing in her direction. Was this something new just rising out of that seemingly bottomless well of despond that they had been patiently pumping dry?
"No," she replied quietly. "I just would like not to feel embarrassed if I suddenly decide I want a hug."
Papa reached down with his right hand and patted her left hand as it lay on the armrest between them. "Chinese take-out it is, then." He drove in silence across the bridge between Tempe and Scottsdale, feeling that she was relaxing and unwinding from more tension than she'd expected. Finally, as he eased the sedan around the corner and onto the boulevard that would take them home, he asked, "Tired?"
She nodded slowly. "I didn't think I would be, but I am." She glanced at him. "I'm sorry I'm not very good company right now."
He reached down and patted her hand again. "That isn't something you have to apologize for, Parker. I'd have been surprised if you hadn't been completely exhausted, the way you were keying yourself up for your talk with Paul." She was quiet next to him as he drove into the parking lot of their favorite Chinese restaurant. "What do you want?"
"You're just going to have steamed vegetables again?" He nodded. "Then get me some egg drop soup. I'm not very hungry, and that will be just enough for now."
Papa frowned slightly and covered her hand with his. "Are you OK, sweetheart?" he asked gently. "You haven't wanted just soup for a while now..."
"Believe it or not," she said with a small smile turned in his direction, "but ever since that first night here, I've thought of egg drop soup as a kind of comfort food. When my mind has put me through hell, the only thing I want to eat to unwind is egg drop soup. Besides, I really don't travel well on a full stomach - and I don't want to leave leftovers in the fridge when we take off tomorrow. A mug of soup to get me going will be just right."
"Worried about going back to Delaware?" he asked then.
She nodded again. "I know the fear is just in my mind - that there really isn't anything back there that will hurt me. But until I get there and see it for myself..."
He patted her hand again. "We'll talk about this more when we get home," he told her gently. "I'll be right back."
Parker watched Papa walk resolutely toward the glass door of the restaurant with a fond smile on her face and then leaned her head back against the headrest and let her eyes fall closed. It was a month, almost to the day, since Sydney, her former colleague, had brought her back with him after dragging her out of that bleak cemetery where she'd been mourning for a mother not buried there and waiting to die. It had taken him a month of nearly non-stop counseling and therapy and comforting to take the zombie he'd found in the cemetery and turn her back into a functioning human being with a life and a future.
And now, here she was. Her old friend Sydney had become her Papa and loved her in a way she'd only dreamed of being loved by a parent. Papa would go back with her to Delaware and be her support while she would put a very final end to her old life, literally and figuratively, by having him legally adopt her into a new one as his daughter in fact. And then, with the old life finished, her Papa would once more bring her home with him, this time to stay for good. This WAS her home now, and Papa her only real family. After a lifetime of want and loneliness, it was more than enough.
And now there would even be a tall college professor waiting anxiously for her return - a man who was beginning to love her in a way she'd only started to understand with Thomas, a man with a pretty daughter who was already beginning to look up to her. Paul at least now knew the truth of who she'd been once and for some reason still wanted to try to make their relationship work - he'd been very clear about the fact that he'd fallen in love with the woman she was NOW. His oh-so-gentle kiss goodbye at Dr. Prouse's door that afternoon had been bursting with hopefulness and optimism, despite the ugliness she'd dumped into his ear. She would miss his imposing tallness at her side, his never-fail ability to make her smile, while she was back east putting an end to her old life. But she had Paul to come home to - and the thought made her feel warm inside. She took a long, deep breath and let herself relax for a long moment into the reality of that new life that was just waiting her return to start in earnest.
Papa opened the car door and handed the small cardboard box with their meals across to her before climbing in. "Ready?" he asked as he turned the key in the ignition.
"Let's go home," she said quietly. "It's been a long day."
He didn't answer, but simply pulled the sedan from its parking place and nosed it back onto the boulevard, heading homeward.
"I love you, Papa." Somehow Parker doubted that she'd ever get tired of telling him that.
"I love you too, ma petite." And she knew she'd NEVER get tired of hearing him say that. That sentence had saved her life.
The rest of the drive to the complex was a quiet one, and yet the silence was not an uncomfortable one. That which she had so dreaded was now behind her, and only a long transcontinental flight and a list of legal formalities were left to deal with. Papa led the way back up the stairs and opened the door for her since she was carrying the food.
She followed him into the kitchen and set the cardboard box on the counter while Papa began pulling dishes and eating utensils from their places in cupboards and drawers. Parker filled the teakettle with water for tea and then moved the little plate with the seemingly endless supply of shortbread cubes out of the way. Her eyes caught his as she moved the plate to the far side of the table. "Dessert," she smiled at him.
"I'm surprised you're not sick of the stuff by now," he smiled back. "I've fed you enough of that these past weeks..."
"Egg drop soup and shortbread," Parker mused. "Helluva recipe for health, Papa - but it worked."
"You're in a strange mood tonight, cheri..."
She sat down and began sorting through the white paper containers. "I know - I was just thinking that it was just a month ago today that you and I shared a meal very much like this one..."
Papa snorted. "I don't think “share” is the proper word for what happened that night," he chuckled, then grew serious again. "You've come a long way since then," he said as he joined her, his eyes warm.
"I don't think I've ever said "thank you" for everything you've done..."
"Parker," he stopped her, "what's going on? You're talking like something's ending."
"It is." She looked at him. "This is the last time we'll sit at this table as just friends or former colleagues who merely feel like family. The next supper we have together at this table, you'll be my father for real. My name really WILL be Parker Green. I don't know if you understand just how much that means to me."
"I think I do," he said, his voice grown husky with emotion. "At least as much as it means to me."
"Then you know why I need to say "thank you" now. You saved my life - and my sanity." She reached out and touched the plain silver ring that had graced his right pinky finger since she put it there.
He caught her fingers with his and held on. "That's what fathers are supposed to do. It was my privilege - and honor." He squeezed and then let go so that he could begin dishing up his own meal. "Now, ma petite, tell me what you're feeling afraid of about going back to Delaware."
She looked up from carefully pouring some of her soup into a mug. "I love you, Papa."
"I love you too, Parker, but you didn't answer me..."
Chapter 11 - Crucible
"You've decided WHAT?"
Parker didn't need to turn from rinsing the breakfast dishes to see the expression on her Papa's face - his tone of voice had communicated his surprise and consternation quite adequately. "I said I'm going to tell Paul everything," she repeated softly so as not to let the quiver of nervousness shake her determination. "Today, at lunch."
"Are you sure, ma petite?" Papa moved behind her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Are you ready for that?"
"It isn't going to be a question of getting ready," she glanced into his warm and concerned eyes quickly and then back down to her work. "I thought about it for a long time last night - and I've decided I don't want any of that in the way. I need to know if..."
"If he would still want you in his life if he knew who you really are," Papa finished for her. "Under normal circumstances, I'd be applauding you. But how many nightmares did you have last night?"
"That has nothing to do with it..."
"Yes," his hand on her shoulder pressed firmly enough to turn her to look at him, "it does. "If you intend to tell him everything, you need to be ready for the questions - for having to touch memories that still make you scream at night to explain yourself." His hand cupped her cheek. "I'm very proud of you for wanting to set the record straight. Never doubt that. My only concern is that you don't do yourself more damage in the process."
She looked at him with an expression of deep sadness. "I can't let this go on any longer, Papa. It seems that this relationship has a chance of actually going somewhere - I've decided that I'd like to see if it CAN go somewhere - and I don't want to jeopardize my chance by having him only know lies and misdirection about me." She took a deep breath. "And if it means that my nightmares get worse for a while, then sobeit. That will have to be the price I pay for having misled him in the first place."
"Tell me the deliberate lies you've told him," Papa insisted.
"I called my half-brother my nephew, I claimed that you're my father..."
Papa nodded thoughtfully. "You know how much lies and half-truths were a part of day-to-day living at the Centre - you and I, we've just continued in that way without even thinking about it. But when it comes to the boy, certainly you remember what Broots told us about finding Lyle and Brigitte together in a compromising situation in your father's office, don't you? Mr. Parker was virtually sterile, sweetheart - his chance of being your father was less than one in ten, remember? Tell me how a man who couldn't conceive a child with his wife in his prime was going to get a woman with fertility problems of her own pregnant as an old man. We can't be sure if he's..."
Parker shook her head. "Do you think I haven't thought of this before, Papa? That little boy could be anybody's child. For all I know, he could be another of Daddy's and Raines' eugenics experiment using reproductive material from me and Jarod to try to create a new generation of Pretenders, my SON!" That took Papa aback - his face paled by several degrees. "This IS the Centre we're talking about after all - anything could be possible. But. It. Doesn't. Matter. On paper, he's my half-brother. Paul needs to know this." She gazed at him determinedly. "Just as he needs to know that while you ARE going to be adopting me legally, you aren't my real father. Just the father I wish I'd had all along."
"How much do you intend to tell him?"
"As much as he wants to know about. Everything, if need be." She turned slightly, shut off the rinse water, and then leaned back against him. "I'm scared, but I have to do this."
His arms enclosed her and held her close. "I'm behind you, one hundred percent," he promised her softly. "Whatever happens."
She turned in his arms and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Hold me, Papa."
"I have you, ma petite," he reassured her gently. "You're safe with me. Everything will be as it should be." He felt her snuggle. "And if Paul really is falling in love with you, he'll recognize and appreciate what you're doing."
"I'm just afraid that he's going to be so angry - IF he even believes me, that is..."
"What do you mean, IF he believes you?"
She shook her head against his shoulder. "You have to admit that, coming from anybody else, the truth as we know it would sound pretty far out..."
"Hmmmm." Unfortunately, she had a point. "Still, granted that he believes you, the worst I'd expect of him would be to be quite disappointed that you didn't trust him from the start," Papa hushed at her, rubbing her back with one hand moving in small circles. "But either way, I doubt he'll be genuinely angry with you. I told him enough yesterday, I think, that he should be able to make the connections properly. He could see for himself how ill you were when you first came..." He fell silent and just held her close for a long moment. "I do wonder about the timing, however. Do you think telling him and then taking off for Delaware is the proper way to do things?"
She nodded against his shoulder. "It will give him some time to think things through too, if he needs it - and hopefully it will give me the time to prepare myself for having things fall apart when I get back." She sighed. "I read somewhere once that it was always wise to expect and plan for the worst and hope for the best - because that way, one would never be disappointed."
Papa kissed her hair near her ear and just held her, letting her lean for as long as she wanted to. He closed his eyes and prayed silently that Paul be as understanding and accepting a man as he had always seemed. Parker's inner strength had been sorely tested of late - losing Paul to the truth would be a hard blow for her new life to survive this soon. He could appreciate the wisdom of telling the tall professor the truth now, before leaving for an indeterminate time. She was right - her time away would give Paul the time he'd need to decide if he wanted to pursue matters further while also giving her the chance to mentally prepare herself for the worst.
And not for the first time, he felt the helplessness of being a parent having to let a beloved child make her own way in the world. He knew he couldn't protect her from this - he could only be here to give her support and comfort no matter which way things went in the end. He wondered suddenly if Jarod had ever appreciated how much he'd relied on his old mentor for comfort and support in those long-gone days - or if Jarod could have known how much he'd enjoyed filling the role of touchstone. He also chastised himself mentally one more time for ever having tried to fool himself into believing that he hadn't been just emotionally invested in his protégé back when as he could ever be in his daughter now. Holding his only remaining child to his heart tightly, he counted his blessing that he was being openly allowed this double-edged gift of parenthood after all.
~~~~~~~~
Papa pulled his silver sedan to the curb not far from the ASU student union building and pointed out to Parker the door she'd want to go through. He then turned and gazed at his daughter sympathetically and appreciatively. She'd dressed in his favorite sundress - the cream colored one with the blue sunflowers - and donned her topaz necklace like an amulet. She rarely went anywhere without it anymore, which was something that touched and pleased him in a very private way. With a small purse on a thin, white, leather shoulder strap and lightweight sunglasses holding her curls back from her face, she looked like the quintessential Arizona woman. She was so beautiful - and so very frightened. Her face was pale, and he could see her having to work hard to maintain a very neutral expression otherwise.
He picked up her hand as it lay on the seat next to him. "You'll be fine," he told her gently. "You can do this."
"I know," she said, her fingers curling around his. "I'll just be glad when it's over, you know?"
He nodded, then leaned over and deposited a fond kiss on her cheek. "You have your cell phone, so you can call me when you're through?"
She nodded and patted her little purse. "Right here."
"Ready?"
She knew that behind those dark glasses that Papa wore to drive in the daytime, his chestnut eyes were filled with love and concern for her. "Not really, but..." She drew in a long, deep breath. "Here goes." She leaned over and kissed his cheek in return. "Wish me luck, Papa."
"You know I do," he replied gently as she positioned her sunglasses where they could do some good and then climbed from his car. "You'll be fine," he repeated.
She pasted on a shaky smile and patted the top of the sedan and then began walking sedately across the sidewalks toward the student union building. Behind her, she eventually heard the soft purr of Papa's car pulling away from the curb. She took a deep breath as she reached the darkened glass doors, and then reached out to pull one open.
"There you are," Paul's voice sounded from not far away. Her eyes were barely getting used to the internal shade before she felt his hand at her elbow, his kiss on her cheek. "And wouldn't you know it, you're the prettiest lady on campus today."
She smiled as she settled the sunglasses back amid her curls, grateful for the compliment as a way to begin her difficult lunch on an optimistic note. "Thanks," she replied softly as she slipped her hand into the crook of his elbow.
Paul enjoyed the fact that several of the pretty coeds who had been chasing him this past term were in attendance when he escorted Parker down the stairs toward the combination lunch counter and cafeteria, and that they suddenly found an excuse to avert their eyes. Maybe now they'd stop hanging around his office building in the hopes that catching the professor's eye would lead to a date. A couple of his colleagues from the Social Sciences Department glanced up and then stared as he let Parker lead the way into the cafeteria and the line to the cashier. Paul wasn't too unhappy about that either - he was getting tired of the less-than-subtle suggestions for blind dates from them. Maybe now they'd see that he'd managed quite nicely without their help!
"You're very quiet today," he said softly as they each collected a tray, populated it with plate and silver and then moved toward the salad bar.
"I know," she responded with a glance up into his face. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'm just glad you're actually here." He dished some of the lettuce from the deep bowl onto her plate. "Is everything OK?"
"We need to talk," she answered him frankly and then met his startled and apprehensive hazel gaze. "When we sit down," she added with a glance at the people around them.
"All right," he conceded warily. From her expression, he couldn't be sure that what she had to tell him was good news or bad - he only hoped that he hadn't overstepped himself the day before on her landing. "Tell me one thing though?"
"What's that?"
"Are WE still OK?"
The grey eyes connected solidly with his. "That will be up to you after you've heard what I have to say," she replied very cryptically before returning her attention to studying the array of appetizing foods she had from which to choose. Paul followed suit feeling even more confused and a-sea. What WAS it about this woman that kept him continually off-balance?
Finally they had their plates and drinks and headed toward the back of the room, where a number of semi-private booths were situated - one conveniently unoccupied. The two slipped quietly into their seats on opposite sides of the table. "OK," Paul said almost immediately. "We're alone..."
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," she began lamely, then paused for a brief moment of pain as she remembered saying something very similar to Thomas not very long before his death years ago. She deliberately turned away from that to look up into concerned hazel. "And since last night, I've been thinking that you... no, that I..." She paused to organize her thoughts. "I've been thinking that the time has come for you to know some of these things - because they may change the way you feel..."
"Parker, no." His big hand came out to grasp hers across the table. "I told you that you wouldn't lose me - I meant what I said."
"Hear me out first," she asked in a plaintive voice, "and then you can decide if you want to be held to that."
"All right," he agreed, hanging onto her hand still. "What is it that you want to tell me?"
"First," she started, feeling a slight sense of nausea beginning to build in her stomach, "my name isn't Parker Green." The way his eyes folded in concern only stirred the nausea. "My name IS Parker - but it's the family name of the man I believed to be my father, not my given name. Daddy never let anybody call me anything but MISS Parker - so people began to call me Parker for short. Papa..." Here she looked down, not willing to watch the disillusion that would inevitably come. "And Papa isn't my real father. He's the father I wish I'd had - and a man who did help raise me when I was younger. He's the only one who cared enough to come back for me..."
"I don't know about your exact relationship with Sydney, but watching you two together generally leaves very little doubt that you love each other as if you were his daughter," Paul said. "And I know you two have known each other since you were quite young. You were remembering chess games that took place when you were what? Twelve?" He tipped his head. "But if your name isn't Parker, what is it?"
"My mother named me Mariel."
"Pretty name for a pretty lady," he commented earnestly.
She shook her head. "That may be, but I've been Parker too long. When we get all the paperwork straightened out, my name WILL be Parker Green - legally - and I WILL be Papa's daughter - legally. I've asked him to adopt me, and he's agreed."
Paul gazed at her with cautious skepticism. "What about your real parents? Where are they - dead?"
"My mother... faked her suicide when I was ten, and then was murdered a few months later by a man she'd trusted to keep her safe." Parker's voice was stark. "The man I believed to be my father jumped from a plane in the middle of the night in the middle of the Atlantic a little over a year ago."
The steel grey eyebrows had climbed halfway to his hairline. "Is this for real? Parker..."
"I didn't want to lie to you, but..." She sighed. "You see, it was easier to just tell you I was Papa's daughter because the truth was so hard to believe, too fantastic." A single tear dropped from her eyelashes onto her cheek. "I also wasn't sure that it was safe to tell anyone who I was - they might have been looking for me..."
"Who?" Paul's voice had gained a note of real disbelief. "Was someone after you?"
Parker took a deep breath. His reaction was nothing less or more than what she'd hoped WOULDN'T happen - she knew her story sounded like the rantings of a conspiracy fanatic. "You've heard of The Centre in the news recently..."
"Yes..." Paul frowned. Some of the reports starting to trickle out to the media about what had gone on in that organization had been pretty fantastic. "What about it?"
"The man I believe was my father was the Chairman there until his death a little over a year ago. My last job, the one I really didn't want to talk about on Sunday, was as the head of the Security and Information Systems department. Papa - Sydney - was the head of the Psychogenics department."
Now Paul was shaking his head. "You didn't really expect me to believe all this, do you?" He asked, then took a bite of his salad and chuckled. "Honestly, Parker, you had me worried there for a moment, until I remembered that your father has a pretty quirky sense of humor too... I bet you two worked for days thinking this one through... I'll have to admit that this is a pretty decent pay-back for not telling him about Lydia, though..."
She'd gone too far to quit now. He needed to at least hear all of it - whether he believed it or not, it seemed, was going to be another question. "Paul, listen to me. Lyle - the man they picked up for all those murders of Asian girls?" He nodded. "That's my twin brother."
"Parker... Stop." She wasn't stopping, even though he'd figured out the prank. Paul blinked. Either she was an excellent actress, for her look of guilt was quite believable, or what she was saying actually WAS the truth. If so...
"And the little boy that Papa and I are going back to Delaware for? We're not exactly sure how or even if he's related to me. He could be Lyle's son, he could be Daddy's - the man I believed to be my father - and then again, he could be just a genetics experiment. On paper, he's my half-brother - and he was imprisoned at the Centre and abused there..."
God, he hoped that she wouldn't pull his leg about a child in this way! That would be going TOO far. "Did you know this - about the little boy?"
She shook her head. "Not until Sam came." She saw Paul frown. "The man you saw me hugging? He was my personal bodyguard while I worked at the Centre. He came looking for me after they found the child, in case I wanted to take responsibility for the boy because of our supposed blood tie."
"This Sam then - he really was just an old friend, then..."
"Yes." She pushed her tray back, not hungry.
Paul sat back in his seat and looked at her. She looked defeated, as if telling this tale had taken nearly every ounce of strength she had in her. "Is that all of it?"
Startled grey eyes came up to meet his. "Isn't that enough?"
"You have to admit that there are TV shows on the air that have more believable plots than that one..."
"I suppose," she shrugged. "But I can't help it if it's the truth."
Paul stared at her for a long moment, spaghetti hanging forgotten from his fork that he held suspended in mid-air while his mind worked to wrap itself around her story. "All right," he said slowly at last. "Your dad told me yesterday that whatever situation you were in before he went back to get you almost killed you." She nodded somberly. "What almost killed you?"
She swallowed hard. Papa had warned her... "I had been assigned to track down a man who had escaped from the Centre a few years back - he was a security risk for us. When my team and I kept coming up empty on clues to his whereabouts, as team leader I was taken aside in order to supposedly have more incentive instilled in me." The memory that Papa had helped her retrieve was a small mote of psychic agony - but she'd promised herself that she would tell him whatever he wanted to know. "The man who took over the Chairmanship from my father had me drugged and then made a subject in a reanimation experiment." At Paul's look of confusion, she closed her eyes briefly against the memory and asked, "Did you ever see the movie "Flatliners"?"
"Yeah..."
"Yeah." At his look of horror, she merely nodded. "When I was revived, I was told that this would happen again if I didn't start producing results - and maybe the next time, he wouldn't bring me back." Another tear hit the cheek, and then another. "Everyone I'd ever cared about was gone, and I had no way to defend myself against a man who wanted me dead..." She covered her mouth with her hand for a long moment while she at least got her emotions halfway back under control, after which she wiped at her eyes and looked at him directly. "I knew that I was going to die soon - so I stopped eating, stopped caring, gave up living. Then Papa came back and found me, and brought me here..."
"Geez!" Paul could see from the horrified expression in her eyes that this latest detail hadn't been just a story - that just retelling it had upset her greatly. He reached out a hand to her again. "They really did that to you?" She could only nod. "And these were the people you were afraid would find you if you told anyone..." She nodded again. "God! How do you sleep at night?"
"I don't," she answered bitterly. "You can ask Papa - I usually wake him up at around two in the morning just about every night with my screams."
"You ARE serious!"
He was starting to believe, and her nausea surged; but there was more that just HAD to be said. "I have said and done things, Paul, that no self-respecting person should ever have thought of, much less done. I am NOT all sweetness and light." Her voice had grown wispy, as if voicing her own self-judgment was almost more than she could bear. "I don't..." She looked at him, sitting there stunned and confused and very concerned. "You deserve better than me, Paul, and you don't deserve to be held to any kind of promise to be here when I get back from Delaware." She wiped away the tears that were threatening with a frustrated hand and then rose. "I should..."
He grabbed her hand before she could move an inch. "You should sit down and eat your lunch," he directed, not letting her pull away. "Don't you DARE run away from me yet - give me a chance to think my way through everything you just told me..."
"Paul..."
"Sit down, Parker." He looked up at her, her hand firmly in his control. "Please." When she still remained standing, he glanced around. "You don't want to cause a scene, do you?"
"That's blackmail," she complained after glancing around herself and then slipping back into her seat.
"As long as it works," Paul told her seriously, finally letting go of her hand. "Answer me this then: are you really interested in me - in US - or is that just a story too?"
Parker sighed and leaned her forehead into her hand. "If I weren't interested in you, I wouldn't bother trying to make sure you knew exactly what you were getting yourself in for with me," she told him in a frustrated tone. "I wouldn't have bothered telling you a truth that sounds more like the rantings of a crazy woman. I wouldn't have taken the chance that you'd tell me to take a hike." Her voice hitched, and then after a long moment, she sighed again. "I had nothing to gain by telling you this, Paul - and everything to lose. Yes, I'm interested. The question now is whether I've destroyed everything about US by telling you what you wanted to know."
Hazel eyes looked deeply into her grey, as if trying to measure how much he could believe the fantastic tale she'd just spilled into his ear. "God, Parker - you haven't destroyed anything, but..." He wiped a hand down his face. "You gotta admit that this all is pretty far-fetched..."
"I know," she said quietly, picking up her ice water and taking a sip to sooth a mouth suddenly gone quite dry. "I don't know that I would believe me either, if our roles were reversed."
"The stuff that you were able to tell me on Sunday - the stories you told Janine and me - that was the truth?"
She nodded and met his eye directly. "I don't like to lie, Paul. Except for those things that I just told you were about which you'd either been misled or lied to, everything I've told you has been the truth." She looked at him with a combination of frustration and sympathy. "Part of the reason I knew that the time was coming when you had to know everything was that some of the stories I was telling you about Daddy contradicted what you knew about the way Papa - Sydney - would behave. I knew I was confusing you. You had no way of knowing that Daddy and Papa were two different people."
"You can say THAT again," he nodded vigorously. "I can't imagine your fath... Sydney... leaving you in the lurch one Christmas after another. He has always been a man of his word - if he says that he's going to be in a place at a certain time, he's either there or I hear about why he's not going to make it as far ahead of time as he can call. And I've never seen his priorities be anywhere other than where mine would be - and that would be with you, with family." He chewed on his spaghetti for a while. "I'm glad to know that I hadn't misjudged him that badly after all."
"When Papa gives his word," Parker nodded, finally taking another bite of her salad and chewing carefully, "I know he doesn't break it under any circumstance - even when it would be better for HIM if he did. For example, he knew that my mother's suicide was faked - but because he promised her that he wouldn't ever tell me, I had to find it out on my own many years later." Her eyes darkened in memory. "I was so angry with him that day - I think that if he hadn't told me that he'd been keeping a promise to my mom, I'd have killed him."
"You don't really mean that..." Paul's voice died away as her gaze came up to meet his in deadly seriousness.
"I was a different person then," she told him calmly, but in a voice that had a whisper of cold steel behind it that he'd never heard before. "At the time, I was VERY capable of killing him - I even had my gun to his chest, if memory serves..." At his expression of shock, she shrugged. "I told you, I am NOT all sweetness and light. The kind of work the Centre wanted me to do couldn't be done by someone with many scruples."
"What about now?" he wanted to know. "Who are you now?"
She looked down into her food. "I honestly don't know," she answered in a soft voice. "Papa told me that I could begin a new life out here - and that's what I'm here to talk to Dr. Prouse about getting started. Before I came to work for the Centre, I graduated from law school - but never got to use my degree."
"And scruples?"
"I have them," she admitted, looking up. "Papa had been trying to teach them to me before I was sent away to boarding school - and even when we were working together - but now that I've been staying with him, I'm starting to see the reason for them. I'm not proud of the things I did as Miss Parker, Paul. I'm hoping I can make Parker Green a much more decent human being."
"Only hoping?"
She gave him a tiny look of chagrin. "I don't know her very well. She's still in the process of being born."
"Well, then let me tell you about the Parker Green I've come to know in these past few weeks," Paul said gently, reaching out to capture her free hand with his again. "She has a dark and mysterious past that she doesn't want to talk about very often, but she has her heart in the right place. She's been hurt very badly, and still she's willing to take risks to make a good new life for herself. She strikes me as a woman of integrity - someone who would make a very good friend."
"Paul..."
"And I'm very proud to say that somehow she's managed to catch my eye, and I've managed to catch hers." His hazel eyes began to glow. "I'm thinking that I still can't see any reason not to be here when she gets back from Delaware. If I have her father's example to live up to, then I guess I'd better get started, eh?"
When she looked up at him, her storm-grey eyes were swimming in tears. "You mean that?"
He leaned forward across the table and reached out a long arm so that he could cup a hand about her cheek. "I happen to agree with the notion that a person should never make a promise they don't intend to keep. So you listen to me very carefully, Mariel Parker Green, or whatever the hell you intend to have as your name when you get your paperwork straight. I promise you that I will be here waiting for you when you get home from Delaware and taking care of your little brother, nephew, or whatever the hell he is to you. I said I want you in my life - I meant it then, and I mean it now."
It took a while for Parker to compose herself to the point that she could speak without sounding like she was on the verge of tears again. "I was afraid you'd be angry with me - or not believe me."
He smiled at her. "I'm assuming that someday something will happen - someone like this friend of yours, Sam, will come to visit - and confirm what you've told me. And until then, pretty lady, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt."
"Why?" she asked him bluntly. "Why do you want to believe me?"
"Because," he hedged and then looked her directly in the eye. "OK. You told me some hard truths about you - here's one about me: I'm falling in love with you. I know that this is dangerous, letting my emotions get the better of my head..."
"I think I'm falling in love with you too," Parker confessed abruptly, the words tumbling unplanned and like unexpected pebbles into a pond. She blinked in surprise to hear herself, then looked at his directly. "I think I'm in love with you too," she repeated more softly. "It's too soon - you don't know me, I don't know..."
"Sometimes, Parker, we just have to go with these things," he replied with a quirky smile. "If your heart is anything like mine, it never listens to my logic or reason anyway."
"But I told Janine..."
"I heard all about what you told her," he told her, his smile getting wider. "And at the time, your assurance was enough to calm her fears. But she knows you a little bit now - and believe it or not, she genuinely likes you - which is a real accomplishment, BELIEVE me! You have no idea how many conversations I've had with her lately start out with the words, 'Do you think that Parker likes...!'"
"But she's running under the assumption that you and I wouldn't be trying to put anything together as far as a relationship was concerned for a long time... And I know how hard it is when a father starts to think about other women..."
His hand tightened around hers. "We'll just let things happen the way they're going to happen - and deal with Janine's reactions when we face them, OK?"
Her hand turned in his, and her fingers curled around his and squeezed gently. "OK."
"Now," Paul let her go so that he could continue eating his lunch, "you didn't have any OTHER bombshells to drop on me today, did you? Or can we enjoy the rest of our lunch in peace?"
~~~~~~~~*
Parker waited until Sydney had brought the silver sedan to a complete stop at the curb before she rose from the bench, and she held onto the packet of reading material that Dr. Prouse had given her so as not to lose a single one of the valuable papers. "I take it your day went better than you'd expected," Sydney smiled at her as she climbed into the seat next to him. He had been worried all afternoon long and had studied her face and movements as she'd walked over to the car. There was no upset in her face, no hesitation in her steps. She looked and moved as if she knew exactly what she was doing and was secure about it.
"Much better, thanks," she replied, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Paul is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and didn't get angry..."
"See? I told you that I didn't think he'd be the kind of person who'd get angry with you," Sydney patted her hand and put the car into drive again. "Pardon me for being an “I told you so” today..."
"...And Dr. Prouse gave me all kinds of reading material to go through as well as a reading list to begin collecting sometime before next term. He's accepted my application to be included in the post-grad bar exam program to give me a chance to brush up on my law skills before actually sitting the exam."
Papa shifted the car into drive and pulled smoothly away from the curb. "I'd say this calls for a celebration of sorts. Where would you like to go for dinner?"
Parker leaned back against the headrest of her seat and thought for a minute. "Let's do Chinese - but let's order in, if you don't mind. I've been surrounded by more people today than I have since I came here, and I'm ready for some peace and quiet with just the two of us."
"Does being around a large number of people make you nervous now?" he asked, glancing in her direction. Was this something new just rising out of that seemingly bottomless well of despond that they had been patiently pumping dry?
"No," she replied quietly. "I just would like not to feel embarrassed if I suddenly decide I want a hug."
Papa reached down with his right hand and patted her left hand as it lay on the armrest between them. "Chinese take-out it is, then." He drove in silence across the bridge between Tempe and Scottsdale, feeling that she was relaxing and unwinding from more tension than she'd expected. Finally, as he eased the sedan around the corner and onto the boulevard that would take them home, he asked, "Tired?"
She nodded slowly. "I didn't think I would be, but I am." She glanced at him. "I'm sorry I'm not very good company right now."
He reached down and patted her hand again. "That isn't something you have to apologize for, Parker. I'd have been surprised if you hadn't been completely exhausted, the way you were keying yourself up for your talk with Paul." She was quiet next to him as he drove into the parking lot of their favorite Chinese restaurant. "What do you want?"
"You're just going to have steamed vegetables again?" He nodded. "Then get me some egg drop soup. I'm not very hungry, and that will be just enough for now."
Papa frowned slightly and covered her hand with his. "Are you OK, sweetheart?" he asked gently. "You haven't wanted just soup for a while now..."
"Believe it or not," she said with a small smile turned in his direction, "but ever since that first night here, I've thought of egg drop soup as a kind of comfort food. When my mind has put me through hell, the only thing I want to eat to unwind is egg drop soup. Besides, I really don't travel well on a full stomach - and I don't want to leave leftovers in the fridge when we take off tomorrow. A mug of soup to get me going will be just right."
"Worried about going back to Delaware?" he asked then.
She nodded again. "I know the fear is just in my mind - that there really isn't anything back there that will hurt me. But until I get there and see it for myself..."
He patted her hand again. "We'll talk about this more when we get home," he told her gently. "I'll be right back."
Parker watched Papa walk resolutely toward the glass door of the restaurant with a fond smile on her face and then leaned her head back against the headrest and let her eyes fall closed. It was a month, almost to the day, since Sydney, her former colleague, had brought her back with him after dragging her out of that bleak cemetery where she'd been mourning for a mother not buried there and waiting to die. It had taken him a month of nearly non-stop counseling and therapy and comforting to take the zombie he'd found in the cemetery and turn her back into a functioning human being with a life and a future.
And now, here she was. Her old friend Sydney had become her Papa and loved her in a way she'd only dreamed of being loved by a parent. Papa would go back with her to Delaware and be her support while she would put a very final end to her old life, literally and figuratively, by having him legally adopt her into a new one as his daughter in fact. And then, with the old life finished, her Papa would once more bring her home with him, this time to stay for good. This WAS her home now, and Papa her only real family. After a lifetime of want and loneliness, it was more than enough.
And now there would even be a tall college professor waiting anxiously for her return - a man who was beginning to love her in a way she'd only started to understand with Thomas, a man with a pretty daughter who was already beginning to look up to her. Paul at least now knew the truth of who she'd been once and for some reason still wanted to try to make their relationship work - he'd been very clear about the fact that he'd fallen in love with the woman she was NOW. His oh-so-gentle kiss goodbye at Dr. Prouse's door that afternoon had been bursting with hopefulness and optimism, despite the ugliness she'd dumped into his ear. She would miss his imposing tallness at her side, his never-fail ability to make her smile, while she was back east putting an end to her old life. But she had Paul to come home to - and the thought made her feel warm inside. She took a long, deep breath and let herself relax for a long moment into the reality of that new life that was just waiting her return to start in earnest.
Papa opened the car door and handed the small cardboard box with their meals across to her before climbing in. "Ready?" he asked as he turned the key in the ignition.
"Let's go home," she said quietly. "It's been a long day."
He didn't answer, but simply pulled the sedan from its parking place and nosed it back onto the boulevard, heading homeward.
"I love you, Papa." Somehow Parker doubted that she'd ever get tired of telling him that.
"I love you too, ma petite." And she knew she'd NEVER get tired of hearing him say that. That sentence had saved her life.
The rest of the drive to the complex was a quiet one, and yet the silence was not an uncomfortable one. That which she had so dreaded was now behind her, and only a long transcontinental flight and a list of legal formalities were left to deal with. Papa led the way back up the stairs and opened the door for her since she was carrying the food.
She followed him into the kitchen and set the cardboard box on the counter while Papa began pulling dishes and eating utensils from their places in cupboards and drawers. Parker filled the teakettle with water for tea and then moved the little plate with the seemingly endless supply of shortbread cubes out of the way. Her eyes caught his as she moved the plate to the far side of the table. "Dessert," she smiled at him.
"I'm surprised you're not sick of the stuff by now," he smiled back. "I've fed you enough of that these past weeks..."
"Egg drop soup and shortbread," Parker mused. "Helluva recipe for health, Papa - but it worked."
"You're in a strange mood tonight, cheri..."
She sat down and began sorting through the white paper containers. "I know - I was just thinking that it was just a month ago today that you and I shared a meal very much like this one..."
Papa snorted. "I don't think “share” is the proper word for what happened that night," he chuckled, then grew serious again. "You've come a long way since then," he said as he joined her, his eyes warm.
"I don't think I've ever said "thank you" for everything you've done..."
"Parker," he stopped her, "what's going on? You're talking like something's ending."
"It is." She looked at him. "This is the last time we'll sit at this table as just friends or former colleagues who merely feel like family. The next supper we have together at this table, you'll be my father for real. My name really WILL be Parker Green. I don't know if you understand just how much that means to me."
"I think I do," he said, his voice grown husky with emotion. "At least as much as it means to me."
"Then you know why I need to say "thank you" now. You saved my life - and my sanity." She reached out and touched the plain silver ring that had graced his right pinky finger since she put it there.
He caught her fingers with his and held on. "That's what fathers are supposed to do. It was my privilege - and honor." He squeezed and then let go so that he could begin dishing up his own meal. "Now, ma petite, tell me what you're feeling afraid of about going back to Delaware."
She looked up from carefully pouring some of her soup into a mug. "I love you, Papa."
"I love you too, Parker, but you didn't answer me..."
