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Chapter or Story
Suite For A Lonely Heart - by MMB
Chapter 3: Fugue
Sydney looked up from the current issue of his psychiatric journal and gazed contentedly across the living room at where Miriam sat at the baby grand piano he'd purchased for her for Christmas several weeks back. She was happily turning the pages of an old and favorite book of Mendelssohn sheet music pieces and pondering what to play next. She felt his eyes on her and smiled softly to herself, contented in knowing that he was an appreciative audience for whatever she should choose to play and was more than happy to oblige by continuing a little longer. It was getting late, and she knew they both had to be at work early in the morning. She chose one of the shorter Kinderstücke, and with a deep breath, began reading music she hadn't touched in years and moving her fingers nimbly across the keyboard.
Sydney sighed and set his journal aside on the end table to listen more attentively. He closed his eyes so as to better let his mind follow the musical phrasing without visual distraction, for she had chosen a piece his mother had once played long ago that was one of his favorites. This had become their normal routine - they would eat their evening meals with Sarah, Miriam's mother, in her apartment; and then they would come home to the house on Washington Street to relax before retiring. Sydney would settle into his favorite chair to slowly catch up on reading he'd always managed to put off and then never do. Before the piano, he would have turned on some soothing soft-classical music on the stereo while Miriam would have pulled out some knitting or needlework, but now she would head for the piano bench to continue slowly reading through books of sheet music she hadn't bothered attempting for years.
He still could hardly believe the changes she had wrought in him, in his home, and in his life since she had begun sharing his life and home with him. He was settled in a way he'd only been able to imagine before now that he had another person in his life that he cared deeply about to consider. Evenings were no longer long and empty spaces of time defined only by the sun not shining - time that used to be spent as often as not devouring murder mystery novels in his subterranean office until he only had just enough energy to drive home, munch on a sandwich and salad and fall into bed. No, his evenings now had music, laughter, companionship. Love. He wasn't alone anymore - and life as he knew it would never be the same. Even Jarod had noticed the change in his voice over time, and never failed now to ask after the woman who had so lightened his mentor's existence.
They entertained as a couple in what had rapidly become their home - where entertaining was something he would never have considered doing at all when he had lived alone. Miss Parker had become a regular dinner guest of late, as had Sarah when she felt like getting out and about; and they inevitably saw Broots and Debbie sometime over the course of their weekends. Sydney and Miriam had become just as regular as weekend dinner guests of both Miss Parker and Broots.
Thanksgiving had been quite the collaborative affair, with Sarah holding court in Miss Parker's kitchen while Debbie, Miriam and Miss Parker divided the dinner cooking assignments between them and Broots and Sydney played chess in the living room. Christmas had seen much the same, only the locale had been Sydney's instead that time, with carols on the new piano with friends and family gathered around. That night, when all the guests had departed back to their own homes and he lay in bed holding Miriam close as she slept peacefully, he had come to an important decision - and had only a day or two later quietly enlisted Miss Parker's assistance and advice.
And now there was a lump in his pocket as he sat in his chair, a small square lump he had placed there himself when he'd picked up the item he'd ordered from the jeweler during a quick lunchtime escape from the Centre. He hadn't quite figured out yet how he was going to give the ring to her, and the anticipation and insecurity of what he was planning could still make him shaky inside. But he could no longer imagine his life without his Miriam as an integral part of it, and the moment was rapidly approaching when he could no longer wait to ask her to be his wife and share the rest of his life with him.
The Mendelssohn piece came to a gentle conclusion, and Sydney rose from his chair and walked over to where Miriam sat and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I haven't heard that one for a very long time," he commented softly and deposited a kiss on her neck below her ear. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," she smiled, unable to control blushing from the compliment. She knew he liked to hear her play - indeed, he'd bought this magnificent piano for her so that he didn't have to take her to her mother's to practice anymore - but hearing his encouragement was still very new.
He bent and bumped her hip with his on the piano bench to get her to scoot over a little so he could sit next to her. He could wait until a fancy dinner at a restaurant, but something told him that putting his question to her right away would be far more effective at preventing his nervous anticipation from giving his intentions away than waiting. There was really no way to prepare for this, after all. "I have something for you..." he began a little hesitantly.
"You've given me so much already, Sydney," she responded, turning to him and putting a hand on his chest after closing the keyboard cover.
He wrapped an arm around her waist and held her close. "I need to give you this, though, because it's really a gift I'm giving myself in the process," he responded mysteriously and slipped his other hand into his pocket. "But I have to ask you something first."
"What's that?" she asked, closing in to nestle her head on his shoulder comfortably.
It was now or never - and Sydney decided that clear and concise was the best way to proceed. He closed his eyes and tried not to gulp, then simply asked, "Will you marry me?"
As Miriam straightened and turned to stare into Sydney's face with shock in her ebony eyes, Sydney's hand came up, holding the little jeweler's box open to reveal the diamond and platinum ring nestled in its depths. The larger round stone was bracketed on either side by a line of smaller square baguettes in elegant simplicity. She gazed for a long moment without moving at the ring in its little box, then back up into those well-loved chestnut eyes. "You mean it?" she whispered, stunned.
"I've never meant anything so much in my life," he replied in a voice so overwhelmed by emotion that it, too, was reduced to a whisper. "I love you more than my life, and I know I can't live without you anymore. I want you in my life from now on, completely." His arm tightened around her waist. "God, Miriam! Please say yes..."
"It's times like this that I start to fear that this is only just a dream," she replied, a hand reaching up for his face, "because I love you so much that it's almost painful." She pushed her head forward and dropped a very soft kiss on his lips. "Yes, Sydney, I will marry you. Gladly."
A smile that was nearly blinding in its brightness broke out across that normally controlled face. Sydney quickly pulled his arm from around her so that he could use the hand to remove the ring from its temporary home and place it on the left hand of the woman who had stolen his heart from almost the first moment. He didn't even give her a chance to admire the sparkle on her finger that indicated her new status before he had reached out and gathered her to him in a tight, possessive embrace. "My Miriam," he whispered determinedly. "Mine."
"My Sydney," she whispered back, her arms surrounding him and holding him back just as tightly, still barely able to believe what had happened in the past few moments. And yet, deep within, she could feel that tiny little nugget of doubt and worry that had been her protection against losing his affection begin to disintegrate at long last. "Husband," she whispered even softer, tasting the word on her tongue.
"Wife," he whispered back, then loosened his hold on her just enough so that he could lower his lips to hers and claim them in a fiery kiss that literally stole her breath from her body. With her affirmative answer to the most important question he'd ever asked anyone in his life, all of the nervousness that he had so carefully hidden from her lately had evaporated, leaving him supremely happy. Suddenly, it didn't matter that they both needed to be at work early the next morning - nothing else mattered at all except having her in his arms and making slow and passionate love to her as if they had all the time in the world.
His lips slipped seductively from hers, traced a hot and moist trail up the line of her chin to rest against her ear. "I love you so much, my Miriam," he whispered hoarsely to her as one hand left its companion spread wide across the small of her back to come seeking upwards and forwards for more interesting terrain.
Miriam groaned as nimble fingers teased at the very edges of her breast before slipping slowly and insistently for a nipple already hard and aching in anticipation beneath the material of her clothing. Sydney's touch never failed to enflame her senses, and he seemed to know instinctually what to do to set her every nerve quivering with desire. She arched herself into his chest and dropped one hand to his thigh, running her hand slowly from mid-thigh to his hip. She smiled in triumph when she heard his answering groan.
"This needs to move to a more appropriate setting," she managed just before he captured her lips again and kissed her deeply and thoroughly and turned her very bones to jelly.
When at last lack of oxygen made them separate, Sydney nuzzled her hair. "I agree entirely," he responded, then pulled her with him to stand and head for the open archway and the staircase beyond.
"The lights," she remembered suddenly and pulled away to reach for the light switch.
"Later," he countered impatiently, pulling her back to him just as suddenly and then bending and sweeping a hand behind her knees to lift her off her feet and up into his arms. She squeaked in surprise, but then settled her arms contentedly around his neck and tangled her fingers into the long hair at his collar playfully. As he bore her carefully up the stairs, he stole first one fleeting kiss after another, each getting just a little more passionate than the last as the bedroom door drew nearer.
When at last the front of his knees hit the edge of their bed, Sydney pulled his head back so that he could once more lose himself in her dark eyes, then lowered his lips to hers again. When he bent to deposit her gently on the bed, Miriam held onto him and pulled him down on top of her, then began reaching for shirt buttons as soon as she felt his weight settle on her comfortably.
She only managed one more breathy "My Sydney," before his lips closed on hers again and his hands began exploring newly uncovered and sensitive skin. And then no more words were needed.
~~~~~~~~
Sydney closed down his daily report and shut off his computer terminal early. He hadn't come down from the exhilaration of having had her accept his proposal the night before, and it had shown. He'd been as giddy as he had been when their relationship was new, giving even Miss Parker cause to comment knowingly on his mood and Broots cause to smirk conspiratorially. And now he awaited the arrival of her mail cart with the same kind of impatience that he had demonstrated as he had slowly fallen so deeply in love, barely wanting to draw the murder mystery novel from its drawer.
He had leaned back in his comfortable chair, propped his feet up on the desk and was daydreaming - reliving their lovemaking from the night before - when the phone on his desk rang sharply and broke his reverie.
"This is Sydney."
"Sydney?"
He pulled his feet back under him in surprise. "Michelle? Is that you?"
"How are you?"
He blinked, rallying his scattered wits as quickly as he could as the mail cart chose that moment to begin rumbling through the Sim Lab outside his door. "I'm fine. Is everything alright with Nicholas?"
"Yes, of course." Michelle's laughter was bell-like. "I was wondering if you were free for dinner tonight? I'm staying in Dover and thought I might drive down for a visit this evening."
Sydney reached out almost blindly for Miriam with one arm and dragged her over to hug her as if holding an amulet when she hurried to his side. "Dinner? Tonight?" He raised his eyes to her and cringed at the insecurity he saw swelling in her eyes, insecurity that he'd evidently never completely been able to banish. He shook his head at her. "I'd love to, but you should know I'll be bringing someone with me." He smiled up at Miriam encouragingly. "Somebody I'd like very much for you to meet."
He nodded at the phone a couple of times without letting go of his hold on Miriam. "Eight-thirty at the Rawhide Steakhouse. You'll make the reservations?" He paused again. "We'll see you there, then." Carefully he reseated the receiver, then looked back up at Miriam, who stared down at him with the question she needed answered obvious in her eyes. "It's Michelle. She's in town and wants to meet for dinner. I want you to come too."
"Sydney..." Miriam knew very well that Michelle occupied a very special place in Sydney's life as the mother of his only child. "She probably wants to see just you - I'll just be in the way."
He rose to his feet next to her, shaking his head. "No, you won't. You are a part of me now, practically my wife - you will never be in the way for me. Besides, you will need to at least meet her, since I would like very much for Nicholas to be at our wedding." He bent and put a hand on both sides of her face gently. "Besides, I saw that look you gave me. I remember seeing one just like it the day I asked you out the first time - and I refuse to have the same kind of misunderstanding between us this late in the game."
He kissed her nose, then her cheek. "Finish your rounds, and I'll meet you at the car. I made sure we'd have time to see to your mother's meal before we left, but we will have to make it a short visit with her tonight, I'm afraid."
"Are you sure? I can just have you drop me at the house..."
"Absolutely not. I want you with me, my love, if for no other reason than to show you once and for all that you have nothing to fear." He pulled her close and held her gently, then set her away from him. "Now finish your rounds," he urged, taking his own outbox and putting it in the cart for her. "I'll see you in a bit. Just remember, I love you, and I'm going to marry you, no matter what."
Miriam cast him a lingering glance over her shoulder as she exited the Sim Lab. Even with the beautiful diamond on her left hand branding her visibly as his, she knew that Michelle commanded a part of Sydney's life that she would never be able to touch. Michelle had been Sydney's first love; he had been very open with Miriam about what had happened, how deeply Michelle's leaving him all those years ago had wounded him. He'd not hidden how he had hoped for a resumption of his relationship with Michelle after her husband had died - only to be continually disappointed that it never came about. And while Miriam had come to feel secure in his affections among his present-day comrades and friends, she had always secretly entertained the occasional nightmare about Michelle hopping back into Sydney's life and whisking him away from her with but a crook of her finger.
And now it seemed as if the nightmare had come to pass.
She forced herself to keep up her regular pace on the mail drop, but inside her heart was weeping blood and making her feet feel as if made of lead. Each step she imagined taking her closer to the moment when Michelle would look up at Sydney and steal him from her arms. As she walked past the Sim Lab heading toward the elevator, her eyes were too full of tears to see whether he was still in his office, or if he had already headed for the car to wait for her.
It seemed that a day that had started on such a joyous note was heading for disaster, and there was nothing she could do to prevent the catastophe.
~~~~~~~~
While Sarah was overjoyed at the news when Sydney broke it to her, and clucked approvingly over the ring, she could tell that Miriam was upset enough to have lost the sparkle that should have been in her demeanor from becoming engaged within the last twenty-four hours. The old lady laid a hand on Sydney's arm when Miriam went back into the kitchen to finish the meal preparations. "Talk to me, Sydney," was all she said.
"We're meeting Michelle for dinner after we leave here," he explained patiently with a note of worry. Sarah, too, knew the story of Michelle. "I think Miriam's feeling a little insecure."
"I know she is," Sarah confided with a careful glance into the kitchen to make sure her daughter was otherwise occupied. She then turned deeply concerned ebony eyes - so like her daughter's - in Sydney's direction and leaned forward to explain, "She told me once there was only one person she thought capable of ruining everything between you. I would assume from her mood tonight, considering everything else that's happened, that this Michelle must be that one person."
Sydney shook his head. "That's what I was afraid of. I don't know what else I can do, Sarah, besides simply have her there with me the whole time. Maybe she can see that I'm ready to let that part of my life be finished finally - that I'm ready to let Michelle be a part of my past so that SHE can be my future."
"Be patient with her, then, Sydney," Sarah advised in a soft voice, patting the arm she had continued to hang onto and then returning her arm to her wheelchair. "It will be alright in the end."
"What are you two conspiring about?" Miriam asked as she came from the kitchen wiping her hands on a small towel.
"Nothing, dear," Sarah said, pushing at the wheels of her chair to get it moving toward the kitchen and then sighing as Sydney obliged to save her the extra effort by pushing her the rest of the way. "I'm just telling your beau that I'm happy that he'll soon be officially family at last, because I've considered him a son-in-law in fact for quite a while now."
"Mom," Miriam sighed and rolled her eyes indulgently, then kissed her mother's cheek as Sydney rolled her past and up to her place at the kitchen table. "We'll see you tomorrow evening."
"Have a nice dinner, dear," Sarah called, then looked up into Sydney's face and reached over a shoulder to pat his hand on the handle one last time with a meaningful and encouraging look on her face. "Enjoy yourselves, both of you." Sydney bent and gave the old lady a fond peck of his own on her cheek, whereupon the woman tsked at him. "Go on with you, now."
He squeezed her shoulder gently in gratitude, was rewarded by an acknowledging nod, then moved to help Miriam with her coat and scarf. He then made a point of capturing a hand and holding it tightly in his as they walked side by side down the sidewalk through the enclosed entry out to the car.
Miriam settled into the passenger seat, buckled her seatbelt, then sat with her hands in her lap, playing absently with the ring on her left hand. All too soon, they were pulling into the parking lot of the steakhouse.
Sydney had just stepped to Miriam's door and was handing her out when a woman's voice sounded behind him: "Sydney! So good to see you again!" He turned just in time to have a small body push itself into his arms and hug him tightly.
"Michelle!" he responded as he gave her a gentle hug in response and then set her very gently and deliberately away from him. "You're looking well."
"And you look marvelous, my dear. Better even than you did the last time I saw you," Michelle purred at him with a confident smile.
"Um... thank you," Sydney answered, then turned to wrap a possessive arm around Miriam's shoulders and pull her forward. "But if I'm looking better, then I'll have to give credit where credit is due. This is Miriam." He could see Michelle's look of surprise, and he knew that he needed to set the record straight immediately. "My fiancée." He turned to Miriam and noted that the look of insecurity had wavered slightly, and he smiled at her in his most loving way. "Miriam, this is Michelle, a very old and dear friend of mine - Nicholas' mother."
Michelle recovered first, and put out a hand to the woman who now was carefully and lovingly tucked into Sydney's embrace. "Fiancée? This is..." she swallowed and looked up at Sydney's face, which he had carefully schooled into gentle firmness, "...quite a surprise. Very nice to meet you."
Miriam nodded, not daring to speak lest her tremulous voice give away her tumultuous emotions. Michelle was far more pretty that she had even imagined, a petite woman a petite woman with stylishly short auburn hair. She had the kind of beauty that age only enhanced and made gracious. Even though she was even smaller than Michelle, the woman's dancer's grace made Miriam feel like a clumsy peasant with her long salt-and-pepper braid.
"Let's go in, shall we?" Sydney suggested, well aware that the tension of the evening had just gone up several levels and determined to provide leadership through the meal.
Miriam leaned up to Sydney's ear. "I think I'm going to duck into the ladies' room for a minute. Why don't you and Michelle go on to our table, and I'll join you shortly."
"Don't be long," Sydney whispered at her and dropped a kiss on her cheek. "I'll miss you." He watched her head off down the hall, then turned to Michelle.
"A fiancée, Sydney?" she asked with raised eyebrows, then turned to follow the waiter to their table. "Whatever happened to the man who would call me every weekend, to see how I was faring?"
"He woke up and smelled the coffee after two years of unrequited pining, Michelle," he replied gently, with understanding, as he pulled out her chair for her, "and then he happened to work late one night and met someone new." He seated himself directly across the table from her, very obviously and deliberately putting a seat between them.
Michelle let her blue eyes speak her feelings across the table. "I came this evening, hoping that you would still be ready to try again with US, Sydney." She laid her hand palm up on the table, reaching for him. "We share a son, can't we..."
"No," he shook his head gently yet firmly, and took her hand in his with no trace of the passion with which he had once held her. "I'm engaged to be married, Michelle. I love Miriam - as much as I ever loved you. I will always love you; and you're right, we share a son that will tie us together for the rest of our lives. But I'm IN love with Miriam. I belong with her."
Michelle pulled back her hand from Sydney's keeping and looked down at her place setting. "I waited too long," she chided herself. "I did the one thing I promised I'd never do to another human being, I took you for granted, took your always being there patiently waiting for me for granted." Then she looked up again, and her blue eyes were swimming. "And now I've lost you."
"I'm sorry, Michelle," Sydney responded sadly. "When the Centre convinced you to leave, our time really was ended - even when the Centre was no longer an obstacle. You eventually found happiness with George; can't you see that I'm finding it with Miriam now?"
"I can see very little else, my dear," she said, sniffling and wiping at an escaped tear with trembling fingers, then rose. "Look, I'm not going to make a fuss, or try to convince you to change your mind. I know you've waited a very long time for happiness, and I'm glad you've finally found it. Really." She stepped over to him and bent to drop a very soft and sad kiss on his cheek. "Congratulations, Sydney. I hope you two will be very happy together." She gathered up her coat, which she'd laid over the back of one of the extra chairs, and walked resolutely toward the door.
Sydney had risen the moment he'd figured out what Michelle was up to, then seated himself with a sigh of released tension to wait for Miriam to return. They would be having a private dinner after all.
Another five minutes passed, and when no Miriam had come to the table, Sydney motioned to the waiter. "There was another lady in my party," he began, whereupon the waiter began nodding.
"Yes. She left about ten minutes ago."
Sydney stared at the man. "She WHAT? Did she leave a message?"
"No, sir, she just rushed out after calling a cab, I think."
Sydney reached numbly into his wallet for a few bills and dropped them abruptly on the table. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, and rushed from the restaurant.
His car was still sitting in the parking lot where he'd left it. He looked madly up and down the street, then remembered the waiter telling him she had called a cab to get home. He quickly climbed into the car and brought the engine to life. The trip through the streets of Blue Cove had never seemed to take so long, but soon he was pulling up into his driveway.
And his heart fell into his shoes when the garage door had lifted far enough that he could see that her little Nova was no longer in its spot next to where his town car fit.
Frantic now, he rushed into the kitchen and grabbed up the handset to the phone and dialed a number from memory.
"Hello?"
"Sarah? This is Sydney..."
"Sydney! And how did..."
"Is Miriam over there?"
There was a pause on the other end of the line. "No," the old woman answered slowly and with deep concern in her voice. "What happened?"
"She never even came and sat down at the table," he related, his voice raising as his worry approached critical mass, "she excused herself to the ladies' room and then evidently left from there."
"Oh, Sydney..." He could tell that Sarah was as stunned and upset as he was. "She isn't here, dear, and I haven't heard a word from her."
"Will you tell her..." His voice broke before he could finish his sentence.
"Of course I will," the old woman reassured him. "Don't worry. She'll be back."
"God..." Sydney replaced the receiver in its cradle and sank into a kitchen chair when his legs would no longer support him. He had just buried his face in his hands when the phone began ringing. He snatched at the handset.
"Miriam? Where are you?" he demanded frantically.
"Sydney?" Jarod inquired in a puzzled tone after a short pause of surprise. "Is something wrong?"
"Jarod." Sydney breathed the name of his protégé in frustration.
"What's going on, Syd?" the younger man now demanded.
"Miriam's gone." Sydney stood, no longer able to stay quietly seated, and carried the handset of the phone with him as he walked slowly through the house. At every step he couldn't help noticing painfully all the little changes of décor that wore Miriam's signature. He paused in the doorway of the living room, then turned on the light so he could see the piano, sitting silent in the corner of the room.
"Oh, God!" he choked, hardly able to breathe and feeling his heart constrict even more painfully at the sight of the diamond ring sitting on top of the closed keyboard cover. It was an exquisitely clear message; and in that moment, Sydney's life shattered.
"Sydney!" Jarod was getting seriously worried.
Sydney merely pushed the button to disconnect the call with numb fingers, then set the handset gently on an end table and sank to his knees next to the piano bench. "My Miriam," he whispered brokenly, carefully taking the ring in his hand, "come home to me." He then laid his head on the piano bench and cried.
~~~~~~~~
Miss Parker guided her Boxter through the nighttime streets of Blue Cove with grim intent. She had been just about to turn in when she had received two phone calls in rapid succession. The first was from Sarah, knowing that she was Sydney's close friend and worrying into her ear about his reaction to Miriam's extreme response to Michelle's return. That was enough to get Miss Parker scrambling back into her street clothing, but then Jarod had called and nearly screamed into her ear to get to Sydney immediately - that the older man was in trouble and needed help.
She pulled her car in behind Sydney's town car, and shuddered at the sight of the empty space in the garage even as she hurried through the connecting door and into the house, calling his name. She stopped, paused, and listened, then followed the sounds of the soft sighing and weeping to the door of the living room. The sight of a man whom she'd known since childhood, reduced to tears and in a crumpled heap on the floor with his head buried in his arms on the piano bench, was almost more than she could handle. She took a deep breath to steel herself against her own tears, and walked quietly to her old friend's side, knelt next to him and put an arm around his shoulder.
"Syd?" she called gently. "C'mon, Sydney, I'm here."
"Miriam's gone," he repeated in a toneless, dead voice. "I've lost her."
"We'll find her," Miss Parker reassured him quickly, his grief jelling her determination. "I'll get Broots and Jarod to help, and we'll find her for you."
It took considerable urging, but finally she was able to convince the grieving psychiatrist to get to his feet and sit at the end of his couch. Only then, when she finally seated herself next to him and put her arm about his shoulders again, did Sydney break down completely and begin sobbing out his loss on her shoulder. At a loss at first, Miss Parker remembered the last time she had found herself in the position of having to comfort her old friend as he grieved. Then once more she encircled him with her arms and held him and let him cry himself out, murmuring the occasional words of comfort and soothing in his ear when she thought he might hear them.
At last exhausted and without any strength left with which to argue with her, Sydney numbly let her bully him into laying down and letting her stuff sofa pillows beneath his head. With the knit afghan from the back of the couch thrown over him for warmth, he conceded to her urging him to close his eyes and try to sleep on the couch for the night. Miss Parker dimmed the light and then carried the phone handset with her toward the kitchen. She caught the next call after the first ring.
"What?"
"Is he OK?" Jarod was too worried to bother with niceties or games.
"We gotta find her for him, Jarod," she responded, dropping into a kitchen chair and putting her face in her hand. "I've never seen him like this. It's like he's gone dead inside."
"What the hell happened?" Jarod demanded. "He was deliriously happy, the last time I talked to him."
Miss Parker sighed. "He'd just asked Miriam to marry him..."
"About damned time..."
"Do you want to hear this or no?"
The chagrin of his pause communicated clearly. "Sorry. Please..."
"Well, Michelle chose this moment to come back."
Now the pause communicated shock - the same kind she'd experienced when Sarah had filled her in. "Oh damn."
"Yeah. And evidently Miriam made a wrong assumption, and left him at the restaurant."
"How? Did she take Syd's car?"
"Nope. Called a cab."
"That's where we start, then..."
Miss Parker sighed again, this time in frustration. "Ya think, boy-genius?"
"Look, we can't afford to bicker right now, Parker. This is Sydney's life we're trying to salvage."
"I know..." she sighed again, then straightened. "But the fact is that we already know that she came home - to Sydney's, that is. Her car is gone. Going to the cab company won't give us anything we don't already know."
"Then get her license plate from the Centre database, and I'll get her inputted into the police database with an APB." He paused, thinking. "What about Sydney?"
"I've got him laying down and sleeping on the couch for the moment," she informed him tiredly.
"Can you stay with him?"
"I suppose I can bed down in an easy chair next to him," she responded, rubbing her eye tiredly.
"We'll find her, Parker. And until we do, we'll have to have one of us stick to him like glue, so he doesn't do anything... precipitous."
"You don't think..."
"You saw him," Jarod reminded her grimly. "You're the one there in the house with him. What do you think?"
She shuddered. "We have to find her, Jarod." She gazed in the direction of the living room. "You're right, one of us is going to have to stay with him; because I don't think I want to face what will happen if we don't."
~~~~~~~~
Miriam rolled over in bed and groaned, then covered her eyes against the bright sunlight that streamed through the motel window and onto her face. That's right, she reminded herself, she WAS in a motel - and today she would not be going to work. Her work in Blue Cove was finished; she would never be able to return there. She would re-establish herself, then send for her mother eventually.
No, that wasn't right. Her mother needed her close by. Miriam's eyes filled with tears that she let flow freely. She was still trapped in Blue Cove, where she would be forced to know that another woman had taken her place at her Sydney's side and have that fact shoot a crippling dart into her heart every day for the rest of her life. Her worst nightmare had come to pass - she'd known it when she'd stepped into the dining room and seen Sydney take Michelle's hand across the table.
She stumbled from bed toward the bathroom and stood for a very long time under the hot spray of the shower until the water was beginning to get uncomfortably cold. Then, shivering, she dried herself and climbed back into her work clothes from the day before. She was hungry - she hadn't eaten dinner after all nor purchased herself any food after fleeing the restaurant - but the pain in her stomach was one she could focus her mind on in order to distract herself from the agony of a broken heart.
Without having even opened her suitcase except to extract her toiletries, she had very little to repack again. Then, finished, she was sitting on the edge of her bed struggling to control the tears that just kept flowing down her cheeks when she heard a gentle tapping on her door.
She wiped swiftly at her face with backs of her hands then opened the door as far as the security chain would allow. "Yes?"
The young man outside her door had gentle, dark eyes. "Are you Miriam?" he asked without any preamble.
The question took her aback. "Why?"
"My name is Jarod," he stated softly. Jarod. Sydney had told her so much about his protégé - the man whom he considered as a son to him, the man whom he assured her was a genius who had managed to keep the Centre resources completely bamboozled and at a loss to find him for well over five years. And he'd found her in just a few hours.
"Jarod," she breathed. "What do you want?"
"Can I come in?"
If everything Sydney had told her about this young man were true, then she had little to fear from him. She closed the door enough to dislodge the security chain, then opened the door to him.
"I hope you don't mind, but I brought somebody with me that I think you need to talk to," the young man said as he stepped through the door, then turned and stretched out a hand to someone standing out of sight and pulled Michelle with him into the room.
A hand to her mouth in shock and confusion, Miriam backed up until the bed caught her behind the knees and forced her to sit down suddenly. "Michelle!"
"Can I have a moment with her, alone?" the mother of Sydney's son turned and asked Jarod quietly, and the young man ducked his head and stepped back through the open motel room door and out onto the sidewalk of the parking lot.
Michelle looked down at the confused woman on the bed. "Do you have any idea what you've done?" she asked her with no small amount of frustration.
Miriam blinked, then found strength for her voice in the grief she bore. "Of course I do. I stepped aside so that Sydney could be happy with you."
The other woman got the strangest look of disbelief and frustration on her face, then shook her head and backed up until she too could sit down, only in one of the uncomfortably padded chairs near the door. "That's what Jarod said you'd say, and I couldn't believe that you'd be that foolish."
"Foolish? Is it foolish to want Sydney's happiness?" Miriam cried, her voice breaking.
"No. But it IS foolishness to think that Sydney's happiness included me." Michelle's voice held a note of grief of her own that made Miriam sit up and take notice.
"What are you saying?"
"That he told me that he was marrying you - that while he would always love me as the mother of his son, that he was IN love with you and belonged with you." Michelle smiled sadly. "I remember when the look on his face when he looked at you was the one he gave me. I waited too long, and now I've lost him. It's so obvious, I can't understand how you could possibly believe otherwise: he's completely devoted to you. I didn't stand a chance - and if I'd been honest with myself, I would have known that the moment he introduced you to me."
"What?!"
Having unashamedly listened to the two women speak through the still-open door, Jarod decided to stay out of the conversation no longer. "She means that she walked out on Sydney just a few minutes after you left the restaurant, leaving him alone and waiting for you to come back from the restroom." Those expressive chocolate eyes rested on her with mild reproach. "And when you didn't, he became frantic. Then, when he got home and found you gone, leaving your engagement diamond behind..."
Miriam swallowed. How could she have been so wrong? Hadn't he told her that she had nothing to fear? Why hadn't she believed him? Why hadn't she trusted him?
"Miriam." Jarod called to her to break through her self-condemnation. "For God's sake, please. He needs you. Your disappearance has just about killed him."
"He loves YOU," Michelle added her voice to Jarod's. "You need to go home. Take good care of him for me, will you? I know you already have, but I need to know that you'll keep on taking care of him. Please, I love him too..."
"But..." Miriam swallowed, and then shook her head. "I've... hurt him badly now... He won't want..."
"Please." Jarod had never known such desperation. "If you don't love him after all, that's one thing. But if you do love him at all, then for God's sake go home NOW! I don't know how much longer he can survive without you with him. Parker and Broots are doing shift work to stay with him every minute, in case he gets it in his head to harm himself..."
Miriam looked at her beloved's protégé closely, then at Michelle, and finally allowed their desperate worry for Sydney's welfare to register fully. "My God!" she whispered. "What have I done?"
~~~~~~~~
Miss Parker sat in the Sim Lab, pushing the papers around in front of her in distraction, barely paying attention to what they said. She had moved into the Sim Lab, and her paperwork that normally would keep her in her own office was now scattered across the test subject table. All this so that she could keep her eye on the man seated dejectedly inside the glass doors of his office, staring at the walls without seeing them.
Jarod had called very early that morning to tell her he had a lead and that he would be in touch. Since that call, however, he had been uncommunicative - something that had not helped her mood one bit.
Sydney had been passively responsive to being bullied again into showering and changing into clean clothes to come in to work. Miss Parker had decided to take the shaving razor out of his hand and perform that intimate task for him herself, however, when she saw the way he'd been looking at the razor. It had been a long day since then. She had given him busy-work paperwork to occupy his mind after she'd canceled his psychological research for the day and sent all of his test subjects packing.
Now, with the day ended and nearly everyone gone home, she knew she would soon have to go into that office and bully him again - something she really DIDN'T enjoy doing very much at all under the circumstances - into coming home with her. She would take him to her house this time, so that he wouldn't be surrounded with reminders of his lost love to make his agony more acute. Miss Parker sighed for what was the probably at least the hundredth time that day and started pushing her paperwork back into their respective file folders so the whole lot could be shoved unceremoniously back into her briefcase. She would need to get moving now, because it was nearly seven-thirty, and yet another reminder of what he'd lost would soon be coming...
Too late. She could hear the rumble of the mail cart making its way down the corridor from the elevator door toward the Sim Lab. With a quick glance at the office to see whether Sydney had noticed yet, she got to her feet and walked swiftly over to the Sim Lab doors in order to close them. Then she saw the person pushing the mail cart and froze in her tracks as the cart came steadily closer.
"If you EVER hurt him like that again," she snarled in a fierce whisper into Miriam's ear, "I'll kill you myself. Do you understand me?"
Miriam looked up into the tall brunette's enraged face, a tear she'd promised herself she wouldn't shed escaping to her cheek anyway. She remembered her first meeting with the imposing Chairman's daughter and the quick reassurance that, contrary to popular belief, her bark was far worse than her bite. Now, suddenly, she was very certain that both could be quite dangerous and potentially lethal. "I swear to you that if I ever hurt him again like that," she whispered back penitently, "you won't have to worry. I'll do the job myself long before you could get to me."
Miss Parker nodded, satisfied that Miriam had understood the serious nature of her threat, then stood aside and jerked her head at the Sim Lab office door. "Leave the cart to me, then. Just get your ass in there and fix what you broke."
Without a word, Miriam stepped away from the mail cart and into the Sim Lab proper, her eyes fixed on the open door to the office and the slumped figure sitting at the desk. Now she could see his despond, his utter defeat - and she understood the fear that had motivated his friends and former lover to move Heaven and Earth to find her. Sydney's hair was unkempt, as if he had run his hands through it so many times that it looked as if he'd been in a wind tunnel. His chestnut eyes, so expressive of emotions he would otherwise hold in check, were blank, dead.
It was like a stab in the heart. SHE had done this - over nothing.
There was no way she could prevent the tears from streaming down her face. She moved quietly into the office, not avoiding being seen by him but knowing he wasn't paying attention to anyone or anything around him, and over to his side to kneel by his chair. "I'm so sorry, my Sydney," she whispered finally, and put her hand on his arm.
Slowly the chestnut eyes focussed marginally on the room around him, then looked down at the weeping woman at his arm. It was too much to hope that he wouldn't start hallucinating again, he thought with the portion of his mind that was the scientist being the only one capable of function. Grief could drive a man insane - make him see things that weren't there. "My Miriam," he murmured brokenly to himself, staring at the vision of his love kneeling next to him. How he wished she were really there, but he knew better.
Miriam suddenly realized that he hadn't really perceived her return yet. She reached up a hand and cupped his cheek. "Sydney," she called softly to him. "My love. Come back to me."
He smiled sadly at the hallucination, which had apparently advanced to the point that he could even feel a touch on his face. Madness. "I didn't leave," he complained with very little inflection, his voice as dead as his expression. "I didn't leave."
"Sydney!" She was getting worried, and her hand moved back to his arm and shook him a little, and then again. "Sydney!"
He blinked. This hallucination was different from the others he'd had so far - he had felt that shake as surely as if it were Miss Parker bullying him again. Maybe it was... He sighed and stretched tiredly, feeling in his neck and back the stiffness of having stayed seated for nearly the entire day - and yet found it inexplicably impossible to move his arm. He looked down again. The vision was still there, hanging onto the arm tightly now.
"God, I wish you were real," he sighed, reaching out his other hand and expecting it to pass straight through her head without encountering anything but air - only to land it in soft hair and against a very solid-feeling skull. He blinked again, and shook his head.
"I AM real, my Sydney," Miriam breathed, tears flowing down her chin and neck. She put her hand on his as it lay against her face. "I'm here. I'm real."
He was like a drowning man suddenly dragged to the surface and able to pull air again. His eyes widened, first in surprise and then in desperation, and he reached out the other trembling hand for the other side of her face. "Miriam?"
Miriam turned and landed a kiss in the palm before it had settled against her.
"Miriam?" The chestnut eyes had lost their deadness, but had filled with tears of pain and betrayal instead. He pulled his hands from her as if burned, accepting her presence at last as reality but still reeling enough from his shock and grief that he was instinctively unwilling to make himself vulnerable to her. "At least I know you're safe," he managed after several deep breaths to steel his heart against being abandoned again.
"Sydney, I'm so sorry," Miriam choked, then leaned her head against his thigh. "I saw... I thought..." She felt his hand brush against her hair very fleetingly.
"I know what you saw," he replied as if from a distance. "I told you I didn't want another misunderstanding, remember? Only it happened anyway..." He sighed deeply, and Miriam could hear the broken heart in that sigh in a sound that shattered her composure utterly. "I don't know else what I could do to make you believe me. Why didn't you trust me?"
It was a question she had asked herself during the entire time Jarod had driven her back to Blue Cove from Dover, and a question which had required her to do some painful soul-searching to answer.
"It wasn't you, my love. It was me I couldn't trust," she replied, and began sobbing. "I told you that I kept waiting for the dream to end, because I couldn't imagine anybody loving me that way. And then Michelle was so pretty - graceful - and she had given you a son. I knew I couldn't compete - I'm too old to give you a child now. I just couldn't let myself believe you'd choose me over that beauty and history." She raised her head and looked at him. "Can you forgive me?"
"I can't do anything else, Miriam. I love you," he answered simply, too tired and depleted to do more than keep his emotions carefully locked behind walls usually used to keep himself scientifically neutral. "But I can't live like this, with your distrust of yourself putting our life together at risk. If I can't convince you that you mean more to me than life itself, then this needs to end here - WE need to end here. Now." A tear slipped from his eye and onto the pale cheek beneath. "No matter how painful that might be."
"Sydney," she was sobbing again. "I never knew anybody could love me as much as you do - and I don't know how I'll go on if you feel we need to end this." The pain was too great - and suddenly the urge to escape was overwhelming. She moved quickly to her feet. "I'm sorry, Sydney. I swear to you I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much... But if this needs to end now, then I need to..." She spun on her heel and began toward the office door, her eyes clouding with tears that made it hard to see.
Finally, with her sudden movement, Sydney snapped out of his torpor. He sprang to his feet and reached out a desperate hand and snagged an arm to yank her to a stop before she could get more than just a few steps. "NO! Not like this. Not again!"
"Sydney," she pleaded, turning to him blinded with tears.
"Do you love me?" he demanded, his voice, once dead, now hoarse with his demand.
"Yes," she sobbed. "So much it hurts."
"Do you still want to marry me?" he insisted in a still-demanding voice.
"Yes," she sighed, the question shocking her from her sobs. "More than anything."
"Do you believe me when I say I love you?" he insisted, his voice growing softer.
"Yes," she whispered. "I know I could never have hurt you like this if it weren't true. I'm so sorry..."
"Then stay with me," he responded and pulled on her until he could gather her into his arms and hold her against him tightly. "I can't live without you, my Miriam. I don't even want to try anymore."
"Sydney," Miriam wrapped her arms around him and held him back as tightly as he held her, for the moment unable to believe that she had survived her nightmare with a life intact. That her fear that she had lost him was nothing but illusion after all. She felt him lean his cheek on the top of her head, and then felt the moisture of his tears on her scalp. "I'm so sorry." The apology came from the very bottom of her soul.
"Shhhhhhhhhh..." he soothed brokenly. "I'm sorry too. We're together now, and that's all that matters. It will be alright..."
They stood in the Sim Lab holding each other close without speaking for a very long time. Then, finally, Miriam stirred in his arms. "Take me home, Sydney? Please?"
Sydney loosened his hold on her and put a hand in his trouser pocket and pulled it out again slowly. Between his fingers, the diamonds sparkled. Hoping against hope, he hadn't been able to leave it behind that morning, fearing that it would be all he would ever have of her. He took a deep breath, then took her left hand in his and put the ring back on her finger where it belonged. He lifted the hand to his lips, then held it against his wet cheek. "It's you who'll have to take ME home, I'm afraid. Miss Parker wouldn't let me drive this morning," he informed her with tired chagrin.
"My purse is in clerical," she replied with a very shaky smile and then wrapped her hand into the crook of his elbow. "And so are my keys. I'm afraid you'll have to try to fit into the Nova..."
He put his other hand on top of hers and held on tightly, as if fearful that she would pull away from him again. "I can do that. You're home. I can do anything if I know you're with me."
They walked together to the elevator and waited for the sliding door to open, only to find themselves facing a very concerned Miss Parker stepping out of the elevator instead. She handed Miriam her purse after satisfying herself that Sydney had at last regained a measure of composure, control and peace of mind. "Take him home and take CARE of him," she demanded quietly and insistently. "And I want you both to take the day off tomorrow to put yourselves back together again." She leaned and deposited a gentle kiss on Sydney's pale cheek, then landed a fond and meaningful glare at Miriam. "Go on, now. Get out of here and don't let me see either of you for at least another thirty-six hours. I've already cleared it with your supervisor."
Then she stepped out of the way so they could get into the elevator car.
~~~~~~~~
Miriam lay quietly within the warm circle of Sydney's arms, her head pillowed comfortably on his pectorals, and wept her relief and her guilt. This was where she belonged - the one and only place she ever really and truly wanted to be - and she would never stray far again. She had learned her lesson.
They had driven home quietly and with very little discussion shared a light meal designed more to take the edge from their hunger than anything else. Neither could remember the last time they'd eaten. Miriam had finally worked up the courage to call her mother, and then sat quietly and listened patiently as Sarah chastised her verbally at length for what she'd put Sydney through. Sydney had come to sit next to her at the table at about the time the tears began to fall again and had held her in his arms. Eventually he took the phone away from her and assured Sarah gently that Miriam was well aware of her error and would never make the same mistake again before saying goodbye and hanging up.
Then there had been the phone call from Jarod, checking up on his mentor and then demanding to speak to her so that he could quietly issue a threat of his own that was identical to Miss Parker's. She smiled sadly. Sydney had very loyal, very capable friends who were determined to see to his welfare - friends that included her own mother now - and she knew she had her job cut out for her if she were ever to win their trust back. She knew she deserved that mistrust now, and she stifled a sob at the thought that she'd failed so many people with one incredibly stupid move - and that she'd failed herself the worst of all.
Sydney's arms immediately tightened around her, and he bent his head down to drop a kiss onto the top of her head. He hadn't been asleep after all, but also resting quietly and enjoying the peace that came from holding his beloved in his arms. "Shhhhhh," he soothed in a whisper. "Don't cry, my love."
"I can't help it," she replied, turning into him and laying a possessive arm across his waist. She kissed his chest through the pajama top and nestled her head in closer. "I almost ruined this."
"But you came back." Sydney's whisper was firm, almost as if he was reclaiming his security with that statement. His hand came up to hold her face against him gently. "That's all that matters."
Her hand at his waist began stroking his side slowly and gently. "I love you, my Sydney."
He shifted against her until he could capture her lips with his. The kiss began as a soft and gentle kiss of comforting, but very quickly became insistent, hungry, and demanding that she respond in kind. It was as if all of the strong emotions he'd held in check up to this point were suddenly let loose again. "Don't ever leave me again," he whispered fiercely as he gently settled her back into her pillow and began running one hand down her side, over her hip to her thigh to seek out the hem of her nightgown and slip beneath it.
"I won't," she replied, breathless with desire as she surrounded him with her arms and pulled him over on top of her. "Love me!"
"I do love you. Wife," he murmured passionately as his hand found what it was seeking and soon had her arching against him and reaching out in turn.
"Husband," she managed as he claimed her lips as his again in a searing kiss and made her heart sing again at last.
And then no more words were needed.
Chapter 3: Fugue
Sydney looked up from the current issue of his psychiatric journal and gazed contentedly across the living room at where Miriam sat at the baby grand piano he'd purchased for her for Christmas several weeks back. She was happily turning the pages of an old and favorite book of Mendelssohn sheet music pieces and pondering what to play next. She felt his eyes on her and smiled softly to herself, contented in knowing that he was an appreciative audience for whatever she should choose to play and was more than happy to oblige by continuing a little longer. It was getting late, and she knew they both had to be at work early in the morning. She chose one of the shorter Kinderstücke, and with a deep breath, began reading music she hadn't touched in years and moving her fingers nimbly across the keyboard.
Sydney sighed and set his journal aside on the end table to listen more attentively. He closed his eyes so as to better let his mind follow the musical phrasing without visual distraction, for she had chosen a piece his mother had once played long ago that was one of his favorites. This had become their normal routine - they would eat their evening meals with Sarah, Miriam's mother, in her apartment; and then they would come home to the house on Washington Street to relax before retiring. Sydney would settle into his favorite chair to slowly catch up on reading he'd always managed to put off and then never do. Before the piano, he would have turned on some soothing soft-classical music on the stereo while Miriam would have pulled out some knitting or needlework, but now she would head for the piano bench to continue slowly reading through books of sheet music she hadn't bothered attempting for years.
He still could hardly believe the changes she had wrought in him, in his home, and in his life since she had begun sharing his life and home with him. He was settled in a way he'd only been able to imagine before now that he had another person in his life that he cared deeply about to consider. Evenings were no longer long and empty spaces of time defined only by the sun not shining - time that used to be spent as often as not devouring murder mystery novels in his subterranean office until he only had just enough energy to drive home, munch on a sandwich and salad and fall into bed. No, his evenings now had music, laughter, companionship. Love. He wasn't alone anymore - and life as he knew it would never be the same. Even Jarod had noticed the change in his voice over time, and never failed now to ask after the woman who had so lightened his mentor's existence.
They entertained as a couple in what had rapidly become their home - where entertaining was something he would never have considered doing at all when he had lived alone. Miss Parker had become a regular dinner guest of late, as had Sarah when she felt like getting out and about; and they inevitably saw Broots and Debbie sometime over the course of their weekends. Sydney and Miriam had become just as regular as weekend dinner guests of both Miss Parker and Broots.
Thanksgiving had been quite the collaborative affair, with Sarah holding court in Miss Parker's kitchen while Debbie, Miriam and Miss Parker divided the dinner cooking assignments between them and Broots and Sydney played chess in the living room. Christmas had seen much the same, only the locale had been Sydney's instead that time, with carols on the new piano with friends and family gathered around. That night, when all the guests had departed back to their own homes and he lay in bed holding Miriam close as she slept peacefully, he had come to an important decision - and had only a day or two later quietly enlisted Miss Parker's assistance and advice.
And now there was a lump in his pocket as he sat in his chair, a small square lump he had placed there himself when he'd picked up the item he'd ordered from the jeweler during a quick lunchtime escape from the Centre. He hadn't quite figured out yet how he was going to give the ring to her, and the anticipation and insecurity of what he was planning could still make him shaky inside. But he could no longer imagine his life without his Miriam as an integral part of it, and the moment was rapidly approaching when he could no longer wait to ask her to be his wife and share the rest of his life with him.
The Mendelssohn piece came to a gentle conclusion, and Sydney rose from his chair and walked over to where Miriam sat and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I haven't heard that one for a very long time," he commented softly and deposited a kiss on her neck below her ear. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," she smiled, unable to control blushing from the compliment. She knew he liked to hear her play - indeed, he'd bought this magnificent piano for her so that he didn't have to take her to her mother's to practice anymore - but hearing his encouragement was still very new.
He bent and bumped her hip with his on the piano bench to get her to scoot over a little so he could sit next to her. He could wait until a fancy dinner at a restaurant, but something told him that putting his question to her right away would be far more effective at preventing his nervous anticipation from giving his intentions away than waiting. There was really no way to prepare for this, after all. "I have something for you..." he began a little hesitantly.
"You've given me so much already, Sydney," she responded, turning to him and putting a hand on his chest after closing the keyboard cover.
He wrapped an arm around her waist and held her close. "I need to give you this, though, because it's really a gift I'm giving myself in the process," he responded mysteriously and slipped his other hand into his pocket. "But I have to ask you something first."
"What's that?" she asked, closing in to nestle her head on his shoulder comfortably.
It was now or never - and Sydney decided that clear and concise was the best way to proceed. He closed his eyes and tried not to gulp, then simply asked, "Will you marry me?"
As Miriam straightened and turned to stare into Sydney's face with shock in her ebony eyes, Sydney's hand came up, holding the little jeweler's box open to reveal the diamond and platinum ring nestled in its depths. The larger round stone was bracketed on either side by a line of smaller square baguettes in elegant simplicity. She gazed for a long moment without moving at the ring in its little box, then back up into those well-loved chestnut eyes. "You mean it?" she whispered, stunned.
"I've never meant anything so much in my life," he replied in a voice so overwhelmed by emotion that it, too, was reduced to a whisper. "I love you more than my life, and I know I can't live without you anymore. I want you in my life from now on, completely." His arm tightened around her waist. "God, Miriam! Please say yes..."
"It's times like this that I start to fear that this is only just a dream," she replied, a hand reaching up for his face, "because I love you so much that it's almost painful." She pushed her head forward and dropped a very soft kiss on his lips. "Yes, Sydney, I will marry you. Gladly."
A smile that was nearly blinding in its brightness broke out across that normally controlled face. Sydney quickly pulled his arm from around her so that he could use the hand to remove the ring from its temporary home and place it on the left hand of the woman who had stolen his heart from almost the first moment. He didn't even give her a chance to admire the sparkle on her finger that indicated her new status before he had reached out and gathered her to him in a tight, possessive embrace. "My Miriam," he whispered determinedly. "Mine."
"My Sydney," she whispered back, her arms surrounding him and holding him back just as tightly, still barely able to believe what had happened in the past few moments. And yet, deep within, she could feel that tiny little nugget of doubt and worry that had been her protection against losing his affection begin to disintegrate at long last. "Husband," she whispered even softer, tasting the word on her tongue.
"Wife," he whispered back, then loosened his hold on her just enough so that he could lower his lips to hers and claim them in a fiery kiss that literally stole her breath from her body. With her affirmative answer to the most important question he'd ever asked anyone in his life, all of the nervousness that he had so carefully hidden from her lately had evaporated, leaving him supremely happy. Suddenly, it didn't matter that they both needed to be at work early the next morning - nothing else mattered at all except having her in his arms and making slow and passionate love to her as if they had all the time in the world.
His lips slipped seductively from hers, traced a hot and moist trail up the line of her chin to rest against her ear. "I love you so much, my Miriam," he whispered hoarsely to her as one hand left its companion spread wide across the small of her back to come seeking upwards and forwards for more interesting terrain.
Miriam groaned as nimble fingers teased at the very edges of her breast before slipping slowly and insistently for a nipple already hard and aching in anticipation beneath the material of her clothing. Sydney's touch never failed to enflame her senses, and he seemed to know instinctually what to do to set her every nerve quivering with desire. She arched herself into his chest and dropped one hand to his thigh, running her hand slowly from mid-thigh to his hip. She smiled in triumph when she heard his answering groan.
"This needs to move to a more appropriate setting," she managed just before he captured her lips again and kissed her deeply and thoroughly and turned her very bones to jelly.
When at last lack of oxygen made them separate, Sydney nuzzled her hair. "I agree entirely," he responded, then pulled her with him to stand and head for the open archway and the staircase beyond.
"The lights," she remembered suddenly and pulled away to reach for the light switch.
"Later," he countered impatiently, pulling her back to him just as suddenly and then bending and sweeping a hand behind her knees to lift her off her feet and up into his arms. She squeaked in surprise, but then settled her arms contentedly around his neck and tangled her fingers into the long hair at his collar playfully. As he bore her carefully up the stairs, he stole first one fleeting kiss after another, each getting just a little more passionate than the last as the bedroom door drew nearer.
When at last the front of his knees hit the edge of their bed, Sydney pulled his head back so that he could once more lose himself in her dark eyes, then lowered his lips to hers again. When he bent to deposit her gently on the bed, Miriam held onto him and pulled him down on top of her, then began reaching for shirt buttons as soon as she felt his weight settle on her comfortably.
She only managed one more breathy "My Sydney," before his lips closed on hers again and his hands began exploring newly uncovered and sensitive skin. And then no more words were needed.
~~~~~~~~
Sydney closed down his daily report and shut off his computer terminal early. He hadn't come down from the exhilaration of having had her accept his proposal the night before, and it had shown. He'd been as giddy as he had been when their relationship was new, giving even Miss Parker cause to comment knowingly on his mood and Broots cause to smirk conspiratorially. And now he awaited the arrival of her mail cart with the same kind of impatience that he had demonstrated as he had slowly fallen so deeply in love, barely wanting to draw the murder mystery novel from its drawer.
He had leaned back in his comfortable chair, propped his feet up on the desk and was daydreaming - reliving their lovemaking from the night before - when the phone on his desk rang sharply and broke his reverie.
"This is Sydney."
"Sydney?"
He pulled his feet back under him in surprise. "Michelle? Is that you?"
"How are you?"
He blinked, rallying his scattered wits as quickly as he could as the mail cart chose that moment to begin rumbling through the Sim Lab outside his door. "I'm fine. Is everything alright with Nicholas?"
"Yes, of course." Michelle's laughter was bell-like. "I was wondering if you were free for dinner tonight? I'm staying in Dover and thought I might drive down for a visit this evening."
Sydney reached out almost blindly for Miriam with one arm and dragged her over to hug her as if holding an amulet when she hurried to his side. "Dinner? Tonight?" He raised his eyes to her and cringed at the insecurity he saw swelling in her eyes, insecurity that he'd evidently never completely been able to banish. He shook his head at her. "I'd love to, but you should know I'll be bringing someone with me." He smiled up at Miriam encouragingly. "Somebody I'd like very much for you to meet."
He nodded at the phone a couple of times without letting go of his hold on Miriam. "Eight-thirty at the Rawhide Steakhouse. You'll make the reservations?" He paused again. "We'll see you there, then." Carefully he reseated the receiver, then looked back up at Miriam, who stared down at him with the question she needed answered obvious in her eyes. "It's Michelle. She's in town and wants to meet for dinner. I want you to come too."
"Sydney..." Miriam knew very well that Michelle occupied a very special place in Sydney's life as the mother of his only child. "She probably wants to see just you - I'll just be in the way."
He rose to his feet next to her, shaking his head. "No, you won't. You are a part of me now, practically my wife - you will never be in the way for me. Besides, you will need to at least meet her, since I would like very much for Nicholas to be at our wedding." He bent and put a hand on both sides of her face gently. "Besides, I saw that look you gave me. I remember seeing one just like it the day I asked you out the first time - and I refuse to have the same kind of misunderstanding between us this late in the game."
He kissed her nose, then her cheek. "Finish your rounds, and I'll meet you at the car. I made sure we'd have time to see to your mother's meal before we left, but we will have to make it a short visit with her tonight, I'm afraid."
"Are you sure? I can just have you drop me at the house..."
"Absolutely not. I want you with me, my love, if for no other reason than to show you once and for all that you have nothing to fear." He pulled her close and held her gently, then set her away from him. "Now finish your rounds," he urged, taking his own outbox and putting it in the cart for her. "I'll see you in a bit. Just remember, I love you, and I'm going to marry you, no matter what."
Miriam cast him a lingering glance over her shoulder as she exited the Sim Lab. Even with the beautiful diamond on her left hand branding her visibly as his, she knew that Michelle commanded a part of Sydney's life that she would never be able to touch. Michelle had been Sydney's first love; he had been very open with Miriam about what had happened, how deeply Michelle's leaving him all those years ago had wounded him. He'd not hidden how he had hoped for a resumption of his relationship with Michelle after her husband had died - only to be continually disappointed that it never came about. And while Miriam had come to feel secure in his affections among his present-day comrades and friends, she had always secretly entertained the occasional nightmare about Michelle hopping back into Sydney's life and whisking him away from her with but a crook of her finger.
And now it seemed as if the nightmare had come to pass.
She forced herself to keep up her regular pace on the mail drop, but inside her heart was weeping blood and making her feet feel as if made of lead. Each step she imagined taking her closer to the moment when Michelle would look up at Sydney and steal him from her arms. As she walked past the Sim Lab heading toward the elevator, her eyes were too full of tears to see whether he was still in his office, or if he had already headed for the car to wait for her.
It seemed that a day that had started on such a joyous note was heading for disaster, and there was nothing she could do to prevent the catastophe.
~~~~~~~~
While Sarah was overjoyed at the news when Sydney broke it to her, and clucked approvingly over the ring, she could tell that Miriam was upset enough to have lost the sparkle that should have been in her demeanor from becoming engaged within the last twenty-four hours. The old lady laid a hand on Sydney's arm when Miriam went back into the kitchen to finish the meal preparations. "Talk to me, Sydney," was all she said.
"We're meeting Michelle for dinner after we leave here," he explained patiently with a note of worry. Sarah, too, knew the story of Michelle. "I think Miriam's feeling a little insecure."
"I know she is," Sarah confided with a careful glance into the kitchen to make sure her daughter was otherwise occupied. She then turned deeply concerned ebony eyes - so like her daughter's - in Sydney's direction and leaned forward to explain, "She told me once there was only one person she thought capable of ruining everything between you. I would assume from her mood tonight, considering everything else that's happened, that this Michelle must be that one person."
Sydney shook his head. "That's what I was afraid of. I don't know what else I can do, Sarah, besides simply have her there with me the whole time. Maybe she can see that I'm ready to let that part of my life be finished finally - that I'm ready to let Michelle be a part of my past so that SHE can be my future."
"Be patient with her, then, Sydney," Sarah advised in a soft voice, patting the arm she had continued to hang onto and then returning her arm to her wheelchair. "It will be alright in the end."
"What are you two conspiring about?" Miriam asked as she came from the kitchen wiping her hands on a small towel.
"Nothing, dear," Sarah said, pushing at the wheels of her chair to get it moving toward the kitchen and then sighing as Sydney obliged to save her the extra effort by pushing her the rest of the way. "I'm just telling your beau that I'm happy that he'll soon be officially family at last, because I've considered him a son-in-law in fact for quite a while now."
"Mom," Miriam sighed and rolled her eyes indulgently, then kissed her mother's cheek as Sydney rolled her past and up to her place at the kitchen table. "We'll see you tomorrow evening."
"Have a nice dinner, dear," Sarah called, then looked up into Sydney's face and reached over a shoulder to pat his hand on the handle one last time with a meaningful and encouraging look on her face. "Enjoy yourselves, both of you." Sydney bent and gave the old lady a fond peck of his own on her cheek, whereupon the woman tsked at him. "Go on with you, now."
He squeezed her shoulder gently in gratitude, was rewarded by an acknowledging nod, then moved to help Miriam with her coat and scarf. He then made a point of capturing a hand and holding it tightly in his as they walked side by side down the sidewalk through the enclosed entry out to the car.
Miriam settled into the passenger seat, buckled her seatbelt, then sat with her hands in her lap, playing absently with the ring on her left hand. All too soon, they were pulling into the parking lot of the steakhouse.
Sydney had just stepped to Miriam's door and was handing her out when a woman's voice sounded behind him: "Sydney! So good to see you again!" He turned just in time to have a small body push itself into his arms and hug him tightly.
"Michelle!" he responded as he gave her a gentle hug in response and then set her very gently and deliberately away from him. "You're looking well."
"And you look marvelous, my dear. Better even than you did the last time I saw you," Michelle purred at him with a confident smile.
"Um... thank you," Sydney answered, then turned to wrap a possessive arm around Miriam's shoulders and pull her forward. "But if I'm looking better, then I'll have to give credit where credit is due. This is Miriam." He could see Michelle's look of surprise, and he knew that he needed to set the record straight immediately. "My fiancée." He turned to Miriam and noted that the look of insecurity had wavered slightly, and he smiled at her in his most loving way. "Miriam, this is Michelle, a very old and dear friend of mine - Nicholas' mother."
Michelle recovered first, and put out a hand to the woman who now was carefully and lovingly tucked into Sydney's embrace. "Fiancée? This is..." she swallowed and looked up at Sydney's face, which he had carefully schooled into gentle firmness, "...quite a surprise. Very nice to meet you."
Miriam nodded, not daring to speak lest her tremulous voice give away her tumultuous emotions. Michelle was far more pretty that she had even imagined, a petite woman a petite woman with stylishly short auburn hair. She had the kind of beauty that age only enhanced and made gracious. Even though she was even smaller than Michelle, the woman's dancer's grace made Miriam feel like a clumsy peasant with her long salt-and-pepper braid.
"Let's go in, shall we?" Sydney suggested, well aware that the tension of the evening had just gone up several levels and determined to provide leadership through the meal.
Miriam leaned up to Sydney's ear. "I think I'm going to duck into the ladies' room for a minute. Why don't you and Michelle go on to our table, and I'll join you shortly."
"Don't be long," Sydney whispered at her and dropped a kiss on her cheek. "I'll miss you." He watched her head off down the hall, then turned to Michelle.
"A fiancée, Sydney?" she asked with raised eyebrows, then turned to follow the waiter to their table. "Whatever happened to the man who would call me every weekend, to see how I was faring?"
"He woke up and smelled the coffee after two years of unrequited pining, Michelle," he replied gently, with understanding, as he pulled out her chair for her, "and then he happened to work late one night and met someone new." He seated himself directly across the table from her, very obviously and deliberately putting a seat between them.
Michelle let her blue eyes speak her feelings across the table. "I came this evening, hoping that you would still be ready to try again with US, Sydney." She laid her hand palm up on the table, reaching for him. "We share a son, can't we..."
"No," he shook his head gently yet firmly, and took her hand in his with no trace of the passion with which he had once held her. "I'm engaged to be married, Michelle. I love Miriam - as much as I ever loved you. I will always love you; and you're right, we share a son that will tie us together for the rest of our lives. But I'm IN love with Miriam. I belong with her."
Michelle pulled back her hand from Sydney's keeping and looked down at her place setting. "I waited too long," she chided herself. "I did the one thing I promised I'd never do to another human being, I took you for granted, took your always being there patiently waiting for me for granted." Then she looked up again, and her blue eyes were swimming. "And now I've lost you."
"I'm sorry, Michelle," Sydney responded sadly. "When the Centre convinced you to leave, our time really was ended - even when the Centre was no longer an obstacle. You eventually found happiness with George; can't you see that I'm finding it with Miriam now?"
"I can see very little else, my dear," she said, sniffling and wiping at an escaped tear with trembling fingers, then rose. "Look, I'm not going to make a fuss, or try to convince you to change your mind. I know you've waited a very long time for happiness, and I'm glad you've finally found it. Really." She stepped over to him and bent to drop a very soft and sad kiss on his cheek. "Congratulations, Sydney. I hope you two will be very happy together." She gathered up her coat, which she'd laid over the back of one of the extra chairs, and walked resolutely toward the door.
Sydney had risen the moment he'd figured out what Michelle was up to, then seated himself with a sigh of released tension to wait for Miriam to return. They would be having a private dinner after all.
Another five minutes passed, and when no Miriam had come to the table, Sydney motioned to the waiter. "There was another lady in my party," he began, whereupon the waiter began nodding.
"Yes. She left about ten minutes ago."
Sydney stared at the man. "She WHAT? Did she leave a message?"
"No, sir, she just rushed out after calling a cab, I think."
Sydney reached numbly into his wallet for a few bills and dropped them abruptly on the table. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, and rushed from the restaurant.
His car was still sitting in the parking lot where he'd left it. He looked madly up and down the street, then remembered the waiter telling him she had called a cab to get home. He quickly climbed into the car and brought the engine to life. The trip through the streets of Blue Cove had never seemed to take so long, but soon he was pulling up into his driveway.
And his heart fell into his shoes when the garage door had lifted far enough that he could see that her little Nova was no longer in its spot next to where his town car fit.
Frantic now, he rushed into the kitchen and grabbed up the handset to the phone and dialed a number from memory.
"Hello?"
"Sarah? This is Sydney..."
"Sydney! And how did..."
"Is Miriam over there?"
There was a pause on the other end of the line. "No," the old woman answered slowly and with deep concern in her voice. "What happened?"
"She never even came and sat down at the table," he related, his voice raising as his worry approached critical mass, "she excused herself to the ladies' room and then evidently left from there."
"Oh, Sydney..." He could tell that Sarah was as stunned and upset as he was. "She isn't here, dear, and I haven't heard a word from her."
"Will you tell her..." His voice broke before he could finish his sentence.
"Of course I will," the old woman reassured him. "Don't worry. She'll be back."
"God..." Sydney replaced the receiver in its cradle and sank into a kitchen chair when his legs would no longer support him. He had just buried his face in his hands when the phone began ringing. He snatched at the handset.
"Miriam? Where are you?" he demanded frantically.
"Sydney?" Jarod inquired in a puzzled tone after a short pause of surprise. "Is something wrong?"
"Jarod." Sydney breathed the name of his protégé in frustration.
"What's going on, Syd?" the younger man now demanded.
"Miriam's gone." Sydney stood, no longer able to stay quietly seated, and carried the handset of the phone with him as he walked slowly through the house. At every step he couldn't help noticing painfully all the little changes of décor that wore Miriam's signature. He paused in the doorway of the living room, then turned on the light so he could see the piano, sitting silent in the corner of the room.
"Oh, God!" he choked, hardly able to breathe and feeling his heart constrict even more painfully at the sight of the diamond ring sitting on top of the closed keyboard cover. It was an exquisitely clear message; and in that moment, Sydney's life shattered.
"Sydney!" Jarod was getting seriously worried.
Sydney merely pushed the button to disconnect the call with numb fingers, then set the handset gently on an end table and sank to his knees next to the piano bench. "My Miriam," he whispered brokenly, carefully taking the ring in his hand, "come home to me." He then laid his head on the piano bench and cried.
~~~~~~~~
Miss Parker guided her Boxter through the nighttime streets of Blue Cove with grim intent. She had been just about to turn in when she had received two phone calls in rapid succession. The first was from Sarah, knowing that she was Sydney's close friend and worrying into her ear about his reaction to Miriam's extreme response to Michelle's return. That was enough to get Miss Parker scrambling back into her street clothing, but then Jarod had called and nearly screamed into her ear to get to Sydney immediately - that the older man was in trouble and needed help.
She pulled her car in behind Sydney's town car, and shuddered at the sight of the empty space in the garage even as she hurried through the connecting door and into the house, calling his name. She stopped, paused, and listened, then followed the sounds of the soft sighing and weeping to the door of the living room. The sight of a man whom she'd known since childhood, reduced to tears and in a crumpled heap on the floor with his head buried in his arms on the piano bench, was almost more than she could handle. She took a deep breath to steel herself against her own tears, and walked quietly to her old friend's side, knelt next to him and put an arm around his shoulder.
"Syd?" she called gently. "C'mon, Sydney, I'm here."
"Miriam's gone," he repeated in a toneless, dead voice. "I've lost her."
"We'll find her," Miss Parker reassured him quickly, his grief jelling her determination. "I'll get Broots and Jarod to help, and we'll find her for you."
It took considerable urging, but finally she was able to convince the grieving psychiatrist to get to his feet and sit at the end of his couch. Only then, when she finally seated herself next to him and put her arm about his shoulders again, did Sydney break down completely and begin sobbing out his loss on her shoulder. At a loss at first, Miss Parker remembered the last time she had found herself in the position of having to comfort her old friend as he grieved. Then once more she encircled him with her arms and held him and let him cry himself out, murmuring the occasional words of comfort and soothing in his ear when she thought he might hear them.
At last exhausted and without any strength left with which to argue with her, Sydney numbly let her bully him into laying down and letting her stuff sofa pillows beneath his head. With the knit afghan from the back of the couch thrown over him for warmth, he conceded to her urging him to close his eyes and try to sleep on the couch for the night. Miss Parker dimmed the light and then carried the phone handset with her toward the kitchen. She caught the next call after the first ring.
"What?"
"Is he OK?" Jarod was too worried to bother with niceties or games.
"We gotta find her for him, Jarod," she responded, dropping into a kitchen chair and putting her face in her hand. "I've never seen him like this. It's like he's gone dead inside."
"What the hell happened?" Jarod demanded. "He was deliriously happy, the last time I talked to him."
Miss Parker sighed. "He'd just asked Miriam to marry him..."
"About damned time..."
"Do you want to hear this or no?"
The chagrin of his pause communicated clearly. "Sorry. Please..."
"Well, Michelle chose this moment to come back."
Now the pause communicated shock - the same kind she'd experienced when Sarah had filled her in. "Oh damn."
"Yeah. And evidently Miriam made a wrong assumption, and left him at the restaurant."
"How? Did she take Syd's car?"
"Nope. Called a cab."
"That's where we start, then..."
Miss Parker sighed again, this time in frustration. "Ya think, boy-genius?"
"Look, we can't afford to bicker right now, Parker. This is Sydney's life we're trying to salvage."
"I know..." she sighed again, then straightened. "But the fact is that we already know that she came home - to Sydney's, that is. Her car is gone. Going to the cab company won't give us anything we don't already know."
"Then get her license plate from the Centre database, and I'll get her inputted into the police database with an APB." He paused, thinking. "What about Sydney?"
"I've got him laying down and sleeping on the couch for the moment," she informed him tiredly.
"Can you stay with him?"
"I suppose I can bed down in an easy chair next to him," she responded, rubbing her eye tiredly.
"We'll find her, Parker. And until we do, we'll have to have one of us stick to him like glue, so he doesn't do anything... precipitous."
"You don't think..."
"You saw him," Jarod reminded her grimly. "You're the one there in the house with him. What do you think?"
She shuddered. "We have to find her, Jarod." She gazed in the direction of the living room. "You're right, one of us is going to have to stay with him; because I don't think I want to face what will happen if we don't."
~~~~~~~~
Miriam rolled over in bed and groaned, then covered her eyes against the bright sunlight that streamed through the motel window and onto her face. That's right, she reminded herself, she WAS in a motel - and today she would not be going to work. Her work in Blue Cove was finished; she would never be able to return there. She would re-establish herself, then send for her mother eventually.
No, that wasn't right. Her mother needed her close by. Miriam's eyes filled with tears that she let flow freely. She was still trapped in Blue Cove, where she would be forced to know that another woman had taken her place at her Sydney's side and have that fact shoot a crippling dart into her heart every day for the rest of her life. Her worst nightmare had come to pass - she'd known it when she'd stepped into the dining room and seen Sydney take Michelle's hand across the table.
She stumbled from bed toward the bathroom and stood for a very long time under the hot spray of the shower until the water was beginning to get uncomfortably cold. Then, shivering, she dried herself and climbed back into her work clothes from the day before. She was hungry - she hadn't eaten dinner after all nor purchased herself any food after fleeing the restaurant - but the pain in her stomach was one she could focus her mind on in order to distract herself from the agony of a broken heart.
Without having even opened her suitcase except to extract her toiletries, she had very little to repack again. Then, finished, she was sitting on the edge of her bed struggling to control the tears that just kept flowing down her cheeks when she heard a gentle tapping on her door.
She wiped swiftly at her face with backs of her hands then opened the door as far as the security chain would allow. "Yes?"
The young man outside her door had gentle, dark eyes. "Are you Miriam?" he asked without any preamble.
The question took her aback. "Why?"
"My name is Jarod," he stated softly. Jarod. Sydney had told her so much about his protégé - the man whom he considered as a son to him, the man whom he assured her was a genius who had managed to keep the Centre resources completely bamboozled and at a loss to find him for well over five years. And he'd found her in just a few hours.
"Jarod," she breathed. "What do you want?"
"Can I come in?"
If everything Sydney had told her about this young man were true, then she had little to fear from him. She closed the door enough to dislodge the security chain, then opened the door to him.
"I hope you don't mind, but I brought somebody with me that I think you need to talk to," the young man said as he stepped through the door, then turned and stretched out a hand to someone standing out of sight and pulled Michelle with him into the room.
A hand to her mouth in shock and confusion, Miriam backed up until the bed caught her behind the knees and forced her to sit down suddenly. "Michelle!"
"Can I have a moment with her, alone?" the mother of Sydney's son turned and asked Jarod quietly, and the young man ducked his head and stepped back through the open motel room door and out onto the sidewalk of the parking lot.
Michelle looked down at the confused woman on the bed. "Do you have any idea what you've done?" she asked her with no small amount of frustration.
Miriam blinked, then found strength for her voice in the grief she bore. "Of course I do. I stepped aside so that Sydney could be happy with you."
The other woman got the strangest look of disbelief and frustration on her face, then shook her head and backed up until she too could sit down, only in one of the uncomfortably padded chairs near the door. "That's what Jarod said you'd say, and I couldn't believe that you'd be that foolish."
"Foolish? Is it foolish to want Sydney's happiness?" Miriam cried, her voice breaking.
"No. But it IS foolishness to think that Sydney's happiness included me." Michelle's voice held a note of grief of her own that made Miriam sit up and take notice.
"What are you saying?"
"That he told me that he was marrying you - that while he would always love me as the mother of his son, that he was IN love with you and belonged with you." Michelle smiled sadly. "I remember when the look on his face when he looked at you was the one he gave me. I waited too long, and now I've lost him. It's so obvious, I can't understand how you could possibly believe otherwise: he's completely devoted to you. I didn't stand a chance - and if I'd been honest with myself, I would have known that the moment he introduced you to me."
"What?!"
Having unashamedly listened to the two women speak through the still-open door, Jarod decided to stay out of the conversation no longer. "She means that she walked out on Sydney just a few minutes after you left the restaurant, leaving him alone and waiting for you to come back from the restroom." Those expressive chocolate eyes rested on her with mild reproach. "And when you didn't, he became frantic. Then, when he got home and found you gone, leaving your engagement diamond behind..."
Miriam swallowed. How could she have been so wrong? Hadn't he told her that she had nothing to fear? Why hadn't she believed him? Why hadn't she trusted him?
"Miriam." Jarod called to her to break through her self-condemnation. "For God's sake, please. He needs you. Your disappearance has just about killed him."
"He loves YOU," Michelle added her voice to Jarod's. "You need to go home. Take good care of him for me, will you? I know you already have, but I need to know that you'll keep on taking care of him. Please, I love him too..."
"But..." Miriam swallowed, and then shook her head. "I've... hurt him badly now... He won't want..."
"Please." Jarod had never known such desperation. "If you don't love him after all, that's one thing. But if you do love him at all, then for God's sake go home NOW! I don't know how much longer he can survive without you with him. Parker and Broots are doing shift work to stay with him every minute, in case he gets it in his head to harm himself..."
Miriam looked at her beloved's protégé closely, then at Michelle, and finally allowed their desperate worry for Sydney's welfare to register fully. "My God!" she whispered. "What have I done?"
~~~~~~~~
Miss Parker sat in the Sim Lab, pushing the papers around in front of her in distraction, barely paying attention to what they said. She had moved into the Sim Lab, and her paperwork that normally would keep her in her own office was now scattered across the test subject table. All this so that she could keep her eye on the man seated dejectedly inside the glass doors of his office, staring at the walls without seeing them.
Jarod had called very early that morning to tell her he had a lead and that he would be in touch. Since that call, however, he had been uncommunicative - something that had not helped her mood one bit.
Sydney had been passively responsive to being bullied again into showering and changing into clean clothes to come in to work. Miss Parker had decided to take the shaving razor out of his hand and perform that intimate task for him herself, however, when she saw the way he'd been looking at the razor. It had been a long day since then. She had given him busy-work paperwork to occupy his mind after she'd canceled his psychological research for the day and sent all of his test subjects packing.
Now, with the day ended and nearly everyone gone home, she knew she would soon have to go into that office and bully him again - something she really DIDN'T enjoy doing very much at all under the circumstances - into coming home with her. She would take him to her house this time, so that he wouldn't be surrounded with reminders of his lost love to make his agony more acute. Miss Parker sighed for what was the probably at least the hundredth time that day and started pushing her paperwork back into their respective file folders so the whole lot could be shoved unceremoniously back into her briefcase. She would need to get moving now, because it was nearly seven-thirty, and yet another reminder of what he'd lost would soon be coming...
Too late. She could hear the rumble of the mail cart making its way down the corridor from the elevator door toward the Sim Lab. With a quick glance at the office to see whether Sydney had noticed yet, she got to her feet and walked swiftly over to the Sim Lab doors in order to close them. Then she saw the person pushing the mail cart and froze in her tracks as the cart came steadily closer.
"If you EVER hurt him like that again," she snarled in a fierce whisper into Miriam's ear, "I'll kill you myself. Do you understand me?"
Miriam looked up into the tall brunette's enraged face, a tear she'd promised herself she wouldn't shed escaping to her cheek anyway. She remembered her first meeting with the imposing Chairman's daughter and the quick reassurance that, contrary to popular belief, her bark was far worse than her bite. Now, suddenly, she was very certain that both could be quite dangerous and potentially lethal. "I swear to you that if I ever hurt him again like that," she whispered back penitently, "you won't have to worry. I'll do the job myself long before you could get to me."
Miss Parker nodded, satisfied that Miriam had understood the serious nature of her threat, then stood aside and jerked her head at the Sim Lab office door. "Leave the cart to me, then. Just get your ass in there and fix what you broke."
Without a word, Miriam stepped away from the mail cart and into the Sim Lab proper, her eyes fixed on the open door to the office and the slumped figure sitting at the desk. Now she could see his despond, his utter defeat - and she understood the fear that had motivated his friends and former lover to move Heaven and Earth to find her. Sydney's hair was unkempt, as if he had run his hands through it so many times that it looked as if he'd been in a wind tunnel. His chestnut eyes, so expressive of emotions he would otherwise hold in check, were blank, dead.
It was like a stab in the heart. SHE had done this - over nothing.
There was no way she could prevent the tears from streaming down her face. She moved quietly into the office, not avoiding being seen by him but knowing he wasn't paying attention to anyone or anything around him, and over to his side to kneel by his chair. "I'm so sorry, my Sydney," she whispered finally, and put her hand on his arm.
Slowly the chestnut eyes focussed marginally on the room around him, then looked down at the weeping woman at his arm. It was too much to hope that he wouldn't start hallucinating again, he thought with the portion of his mind that was the scientist being the only one capable of function. Grief could drive a man insane - make him see things that weren't there. "My Miriam," he murmured brokenly to himself, staring at the vision of his love kneeling next to him. How he wished she were really there, but he knew better.
Miriam suddenly realized that he hadn't really perceived her return yet. She reached up a hand and cupped his cheek. "Sydney," she called softly to him. "My love. Come back to me."
He smiled sadly at the hallucination, which had apparently advanced to the point that he could even feel a touch on his face. Madness. "I didn't leave," he complained with very little inflection, his voice as dead as his expression. "I didn't leave."
"Sydney!" She was getting worried, and her hand moved back to his arm and shook him a little, and then again. "Sydney!"
He blinked. This hallucination was different from the others he'd had so far - he had felt that shake as surely as if it were Miss Parker bullying him again. Maybe it was... He sighed and stretched tiredly, feeling in his neck and back the stiffness of having stayed seated for nearly the entire day - and yet found it inexplicably impossible to move his arm. He looked down again. The vision was still there, hanging onto the arm tightly now.
"God, I wish you were real," he sighed, reaching out his other hand and expecting it to pass straight through her head without encountering anything but air - only to land it in soft hair and against a very solid-feeling skull. He blinked again, and shook his head.
"I AM real, my Sydney," Miriam breathed, tears flowing down her chin and neck. She put her hand on his as it lay against her face. "I'm here. I'm real."
He was like a drowning man suddenly dragged to the surface and able to pull air again. His eyes widened, first in surprise and then in desperation, and he reached out the other trembling hand for the other side of her face. "Miriam?"
Miriam turned and landed a kiss in the palm before it had settled against her.
"Miriam?" The chestnut eyes had lost their deadness, but had filled with tears of pain and betrayal instead. He pulled his hands from her as if burned, accepting her presence at last as reality but still reeling enough from his shock and grief that he was instinctively unwilling to make himself vulnerable to her. "At least I know you're safe," he managed after several deep breaths to steel his heart against being abandoned again.
"Sydney, I'm so sorry," Miriam choked, then leaned her head against his thigh. "I saw... I thought..." She felt his hand brush against her hair very fleetingly.
"I know what you saw," he replied as if from a distance. "I told you I didn't want another misunderstanding, remember? Only it happened anyway..." He sighed deeply, and Miriam could hear the broken heart in that sigh in a sound that shattered her composure utterly. "I don't know else what I could do to make you believe me. Why didn't you trust me?"
It was a question she had asked herself during the entire time Jarod had driven her back to Blue Cove from Dover, and a question which had required her to do some painful soul-searching to answer.
"It wasn't you, my love. It was me I couldn't trust," she replied, and began sobbing. "I told you that I kept waiting for the dream to end, because I couldn't imagine anybody loving me that way. And then Michelle was so pretty - graceful - and she had given you a son. I knew I couldn't compete - I'm too old to give you a child now. I just couldn't let myself believe you'd choose me over that beauty and history." She raised her head and looked at him. "Can you forgive me?"
"I can't do anything else, Miriam. I love you," he answered simply, too tired and depleted to do more than keep his emotions carefully locked behind walls usually used to keep himself scientifically neutral. "But I can't live like this, with your distrust of yourself putting our life together at risk. If I can't convince you that you mean more to me than life itself, then this needs to end here - WE need to end here. Now." A tear slipped from his eye and onto the pale cheek beneath. "No matter how painful that might be."
"Sydney," she was sobbing again. "I never knew anybody could love me as much as you do - and I don't know how I'll go on if you feel we need to end this." The pain was too great - and suddenly the urge to escape was overwhelming. She moved quickly to her feet. "I'm sorry, Sydney. I swear to you I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much... But if this needs to end now, then I need to..." She spun on her heel and began toward the office door, her eyes clouding with tears that made it hard to see.
Finally, with her sudden movement, Sydney snapped out of his torpor. He sprang to his feet and reached out a desperate hand and snagged an arm to yank her to a stop before she could get more than just a few steps. "NO! Not like this. Not again!"
"Sydney," she pleaded, turning to him blinded with tears.
"Do you love me?" he demanded, his voice, once dead, now hoarse with his demand.
"Yes," she sobbed. "So much it hurts."
"Do you still want to marry me?" he insisted in a still-demanding voice.
"Yes," she sighed, the question shocking her from her sobs. "More than anything."
"Do you believe me when I say I love you?" he insisted, his voice growing softer.
"Yes," she whispered. "I know I could never have hurt you like this if it weren't true. I'm so sorry..."
"Then stay with me," he responded and pulled on her until he could gather her into his arms and hold her against him tightly. "I can't live without you, my Miriam. I don't even want to try anymore."
"Sydney," Miriam wrapped her arms around him and held him back as tightly as he held her, for the moment unable to believe that she had survived her nightmare with a life intact. That her fear that she had lost him was nothing but illusion after all. She felt him lean his cheek on the top of her head, and then felt the moisture of his tears on her scalp. "I'm so sorry." The apology came from the very bottom of her soul.
"Shhhhhhhhhh..." he soothed brokenly. "I'm sorry too. We're together now, and that's all that matters. It will be alright..."
They stood in the Sim Lab holding each other close without speaking for a very long time. Then, finally, Miriam stirred in his arms. "Take me home, Sydney? Please?"
Sydney loosened his hold on her and put a hand in his trouser pocket and pulled it out again slowly. Between his fingers, the diamonds sparkled. Hoping against hope, he hadn't been able to leave it behind that morning, fearing that it would be all he would ever have of her. He took a deep breath, then took her left hand in his and put the ring back on her finger where it belonged. He lifted the hand to his lips, then held it against his wet cheek. "It's you who'll have to take ME home, I'm afraid. Miss Parker wouldn't let me drive this morning," he informed her with tired chagrin.
"My purse is in clerical," she replied with a very shaky smile and then wrapped her hand into the crook of his elbow. "And so are my keys. I'm afraid you'll have to try to fit into the Nova..."
He put his other hand on top of hers and held on tightly, as if fearful that she would pull away from him again. "I can do that. You're home. I can do anything if I know you're with me."
They walked together to the elevator and waited for the sliding door to open, only to find themselves facing a very concerned Miss Parker stepping out of the elevator instead. She handed Miriam her purse after satisfying herself that Sydney had at last regained a measure of composure, control and peace of mind. "Take him home and take CARE of him," she demanded quietly and insistently. "And I want you both to take the day off tomorrow to put yourselves back together again." She leaned and deposited a gentle kiss on Sydney's pale cheek, then landed a fond and meaningful glare at Miriam. "Go on, now. Get out of here and don't let me see either of you for at least another thirty-six hours. I've already cleared it with your supervisor."
Then she stepped out of the way so they could get into the elevator car.
~~~~~~~~
Miriam lay quietly within the warm circle of Sydney's arms, her head pillowed comfortably on his pectorals, and wept her relief and her guilt. This was where she belonged - the one and only place she ever really and truly wanted to be - and she would never stray far again. She had learned her lesson.
They had driven home quietly and with very little discussion shared a light meal designed more to take the edge from their hunger than anything else. Neither could remember the last time they'd eaten. Miriam had finally worked up the courage to call her mother, and then sat quietly and listened patiently as Sarah chastised her verbally at length for what she'd put Sydney through. Sydney had come to sit next to her at the table at about the time the tears began to fall again and had held her in his arms. Eventually he took the phone away from her and assured Sarah gently that Miriam was well aware of her error and would never make the same mistake again before saying goodbye and hanging up.
Then there had been the phone call from Jarod, checking up on his mentor and then demanding to speak to her so that he could quietly issue a threat of his own that was identical to Miss Parker's. She smiled sadly. Sydney had very loyal, very capable friends who were determined to see to his welfare - friends that included her own mother now - and she knew she had her job cut out for her if she were ever to win their trust back. She knew she deserved that mistrust now, and she stifled a sob at the thought that she'd failed so many people with one incredibly stupid move - and that she'd failed herself the worst of all.
Sydney's arms immediately tightened around her, and he bent his head down to drop a kiss onto the top of her head. He hadn't been asleep after all, but also resting quietly and enjoying the peace that came from holding his beloved in his arms. "Shhhhhh," he soothed in a whisper. "Don't cry, my love."
"I can't help it," she replied, turning into him and laying a possessive arm across his waist. She kissed his chest through the pajama top and nestled her head in closer. "I almost ruined this."
"But you came back." Sydney's whisper was firm, almost as if he was reclaiming his security with that statement. His hand came up to hold her face against him gently. "That's all that matters."
Her hand at his waist began stroking his side slowly and gently. "I love you, my Sydney."
He shifted against her until he could capture her lips with his. The kiss began as a soft and gentle kiss of comforting, but very quickly became insistent, hungry, and demanding that she respond in kind. It was as if all of the strong emotions he'd held in check up to this point were suddenly let loose again. "Don't ever leave me again," he whispered fiercely as he gently settled her back into her pillow and began running one hand down her side, over her hip to her thigh to seek out the hem of her nightgown and slip beneath it.
"I won't," she replied, breathless with desire as she surrounded him with her arms and pulled him over on top of her. "Love me!"
"I do love you. Wife," he murmured passionately as his hand found what it was seeking and soon had her arching against him and reaching out in turn.
"Husband," she managed as he claimed her lips as his again in a searing kiss and made her heart sing again at last.
And then no more words were needed.
