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Chapter or Story
My Name Is Sydney - by MMB
Chapter 6: Settling Accounts
Sydney moved the file folders of pending simulations to the front end of the top drawer of his file cabinet, his face carefully schooled into completely expressionless neutrality all the while dancing for joy on the inside. There would be no simulations run today or any other day - not with Jamie, at any rate. The little boy was gone, and the Centre was in a complete uproar.
Jarod had not told him the exact details of his plan to extract the child from inside a Centre holding cell - Sydney hadn't asked, nor wanted to know THAT much. The less he knew about the specifics, the less he might be forced to disclose later. But Jarod had told his former mentor enough that he knew that it was Jarod who had literally entered the Centre, found the boy, and spirited him out again without being detected. Sydney also had his suspicions that Jarod had made use of the help of the one loose cannon inmate the Centre possessed. Angelo had been scarce and hard to locate lately, and it was likely that he had been in contact with the little boy - to comfort and soothe him, if nothing else. Angelo would be a likely ally for any attempt by Jarod at a rescue, and Sydney had quietly kept that suspicion to himself.
However, if all was holding to the elements of the plan that Jarod had given him the night before, Jarod had the boy with him and would be taking him back to California in very short order. The two of them would want to lay low for a while until the Centre's intense scrutiny of public transportation channels abated somewhat. In the meanwhile, Sydney knew the older Pretender had already made arrangements for the boy's parents' relocation with a new name and history, with more than sufficient money to last them until Mr. Milburn had managed to find another job that would support them all. The Milburns would have a chance to establish themselves a bit before contacted, and then Jamie would be returned to them in their new home, given a new name himself, and a chance to live a normal life.
As it was, Raines was livid and on the warpath. No sooner had Sydney's report to the Tower that the sweeper sent to fetch Jamie to the Sim Lab to work had found the boy missing been received but the oxygen-starved titular head of the Centre had made his way down. Once there, he had railed at Sydney at length in a voice that sounded at the virtual edge of doom itself, obviously wanting to blame the psychiatrist for aiding and abetting the boy's escape. But, with the evidence of Sydney standing right in front of him, he was unable to justify, and thus reluctant to voice, such a ridiculous charge. A five and a half-year old simply couldn't have pulled this escape off on his own, nor remained without supervision for long. Sydney's being present and accounted for in the Sim Lab ready to work and obviously with no intention of leaving before the end of the day logically disqualified him from consideration. That, in itself, rankled the Chairman more than anything else.
A new Pretender hunt was launched - this time for a child Pretender. Sydney found himself once more teamed with Miss Parker and Sam this time to check out possible places to look for the boy. The three “hunters” had stared at each other in amused dismay at the idea of trying to figure out where a small child could be hidden, whether it was inside or outside the Centre walls, or how to detect clues that would lead them to their goal. They all knew their job was probably futile - and none of them were really all that anxious to succeed.
Miss Parker and Sydney had shared a quiet look between them around the middle of the afternoon while they were alone briefly, that clearly established that the head of SIS would NOT be putting her best effort into this latest boondoggle. And, it appeared, she would not be asking for the head of Psychogenics Department to do much better.
The look of understated satisfaction on Sydney's face and the current of relief along their shared inner channels, not to mention the general lack of pain and worry in his expression and voice, was like a soothing balm to Miss Parker. She had packed a large thermos of the mint tea Jarod had prescribed against the psychiatrist's digestive woes that morning, but she knew that even that couldn't have made THAT much difference already. No, it was the knowledge that Jamie, an innocent child, was no longer in the clutches of the Centre that had worked magic on the man's very being.
But Sam's sympathy for the boy - once carefully kept hidden but now revealed clearly to two others who shared the sentiment - had flabbergasted both the psychiatrist and the head of SIS. The sweeper had been taken aback momentarily at the apparent lack of concern shown by the psychiatrist at the news his little charge had vanished, as well as at the lack of fire in Miss Parker's demeanor while organizing the hunt. The hulking ex-wrestler had observed both of them very carefully over the following hours, and discovered that the scientist's façade of unfeeling neutrality that he'd grown accustomed to seeing in Sydney all these years had been ONLY a façade. What was more, Miss Parker had in some way reclaimed the serenity she'd exuded since the hunt for Jarod had ended. In a moment of revelation, Sam knew he could trust his coworkers with his true feelings.
Still, those traitorous feelings had to be kept inside while the three of them outwardly processed information and brainstormed possible ways and means for a little boy to have vanished from his locked room. A secondary sweeper team was dispatched to track down and locate Angelo on the premise that the empath would be able to tell them how the deed was accomplished. Sydney's subsequent interview of the odd little man who lived more in the Centre's ventilation ducts than anywhere else accomplished a duo purpose - he prepped Angelo for “helping” the hunt and with repeated questions gave the autistic man training on how to avoid answering questions.
As the day wound down to its conclusion, Sydney felt as if he'd spent the entire time spinning his wheels uselessly. He was ready at the stroke of five for Miss Parker to stop by and take him home again after having driven him into work that morning herself. She had been so worried about him the evening before that, while doing the shopping Jarod had asked of her, she'd packed a quick overnight bag and parked herself in his guest room to help nurse him through the night. Jarod's prescription had made short order of his cramping, however, and they both had been amazed that such a simple thing could ease such desperate pain. The thermos of the soothing tea was now empty, however, and Sydney was ready to make a fresh pot to see him through the evening - knowing that he'd already had the best medicine for what ailed him he could have gotten.
"You gonna be OK tonight, Syd?" she asked him as he collected his briefcase from the floorboard of her Boxster after climbing out onto his driveway pad.
"I'll be fine, Parker, don't worry," he responded gently and with feeling. "I have a feeling I'll be resting very well tonight for a change."
She nodded in the fading twilight. "You'll call if you need..."
"I'll be OK," Sydney insisted with a smile and extended a hand into the car to smooth against her shoulder. "I have a hunch that the worst is past for me now."
"See you in the morning, then," she said, catching at his hand and squeezing it briefly before letting it go again.
Sydney straightened out of the car and closed the passenger door, then waved her on her way to her own home before turning to his front door. He had made it just inside the door when his telephone began ringing. "This is Sydney."
"Syd." It was Jarod. "You're home."
"Thank you." Sydney couldn't think of another thing he needed to say to his former protégé - a man he secretly thought of as a son. "Thank you."
"Thank YOU." The Pretender's voice was soft and forgiving. "Do me a favor, though?"
"What's that?"
"Unlock your patio door. Jamie and I spent the day in a safe place, but it's no place for a little boy to spend the nights before we begin his trip home. I was thinking..."
"Say no more. You're both more than welcome to my guest room and couch for as long as you need it. I'm going to unlock the door as we speak," Sydney said, carrying the wireless handset with him as he walked through his dark house into the kitchen-dining area and flipped the lock on the arcadia door there. "Are you two hungry? I can throw together something simple..."
"Any ice cream?" He could hear the smile in Jarod's voice, and knew he was looking down at a child who had been sweets-deprived for far too long.
"As a matter of fact, I do," the older man smiled at his phone. "It's only vanilla, though."
"That'll do," Jarod sounded pleased. "We'll be there shortly."
Sydney busied himself while waiting for his guests to arrive with getting a pot of cream of chicken soup cooking and then setting his little kitchen table for three. He was just setting glasses of milk on the table for his guests, knowing Jarod's love for the white stuff, when he heard the glass door behind him slip in its channel. He turned to greet Jarod and a wary and distrustful Jamie.
"Supper will be ready in a few minutes," he announced, clapping the Pretender on the back in a warm embrace. He looked down at Jamie's closed face and didn't even try to approach the boy.
Jarod saw the direction of Sydney's glance and followed it, then looked back up at his former mentor with a small sigh. "We've been doing a lot of talking today, Syd. Jamie is very angry at you."
"I'm not surprised," Sydney shrugged and turned back to his cooking. "I'd be angry at me too in his position. I made him do things no child should ever have to do; and to make matters worse, force-fed him something disgusting and unappetizing that looked like it came out of a horror movie." He carefully carried the heavy pot of soup to the table and began ladling it into their bowls. "For all he knows, I'm a monster. He had no time or reason to learn otherwise."
The psychiatrist met his protégé's gaze unflinchingly. "You were very angry with me for a long time too, Jarod. Remember? You still are a bit as well, when something catches you unexpectedly."
Jarod's expression grew thoughtful, but he set those musings aside to put a warm hand on the boy's back and urge him into a chair between himself and Sydney. "I told you he'd understand," he stated pointedly to the boy.
Jamie merely glared up at his former mentor, then very gingerly lifted his nose over his bowl and sniffed. This stuff was definitely NOT the same yucky stuff Sydney had been thrusting under his nose in that dark place! With a look of surprise and pleasure, the boy lifted his spoon and took a careful sip - then dug in.
"There's some French bread to go with your soup," Sydney mentioned, holding out a platter of warmed and buttered bread. Jamie looked up at him with surprise, and then warily snagged a piece of bread and nibbled. "It's good," he admitted begrudgingly.
Sydney nodded graciously but didn't try to draw the boy out. He turned his eye to his older protégé. "How long do you need to stay here?"
"At least tonight and tomorrow," Jarod said after doing a few quick calculations in his head. "The Centre is going to be watching every possible avenue of escape very closely for the next day or so - but their attention will thin as they have to expand their arena of study."
"Technically, it's Miss Parker and I and Sam who will be supposedly “after” Jamie," Sydney informed them after swallowing some of his soup. "But I think it safe to say that none of us are going to be giving this task our best efforts. It seems even Sam didn't approve of what he had to do."
Sydney shifted his gaze to Jamie. "You should have seen Sam's face when you threw your breakfast against the wall. He may not have said anything, but he was cheering you on the inside - just like I was." He saw the boy give him a glare of utter disbelief. "I know you don't believe me - I don't blame you - but it's the truth. I couldn't show you how I felt, ever. If the people who had ordered me to work with you had known how much I wanted you to be free, how sad I was that they'd found you and locked you up in the Centre, they'd have taken you away and made it impossible for anyone to help you."
"Sydney's the one who called me, Jamie," Jarod added gently, drawing the little boy's attention. "He asked me to help get you out, get you back to your mom and dad."
Now the little boy's gaze came back to Sydney's, and this time it was full of questions. "You... called Jarod? To get me out of there?"
"Yes." Sydney sighed. "Jarod was another little boy given to me to work with, much like I was working with you, only a very long time ago. I worked with Jarod until long after he was grown up. Then, when he got away, I started to learn that he'd been stolen - just as you were stolen. I couldn't change what happened to Jarod, but when I saw them trying to do it again with you, I couldn't let it continue." He turned in his chair to face the boy straight on. "I am sorry I had to make you eat that horrid food, and go through those simulations."
The little boy's eyes were boring holes directly into the heart of Sydney's soul. "You didn't really want to do that? Any of it?"
"No, I didn't." Sydney felt a faint surge from his still-touchy stomach. "What I really wanted to do was pick you up and carry you right out the door and back to your parents. But I knew if I tried, we'd both get hurt - maybe killed. I had to have help and play the game the people there wanted me to play until you were free again." He felt his stomach stab at him again viciously for the first time all day and turned away to sip carefully at his freshly-brewed mint tea, willing the liquid to work quickly.
Jarod had seen the subtle grimace. "Sydney made himself sick worrying about you, Jamie. He's still hurting."
Jamie looked at the older man quickly. "Sydney?" he asked, his voice concerned for the first time.
The psychiatrist laid a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. "Don't worry about me, Jamie," he soothed, shooting Jarod a pointed look of frustration for handing the boy any guilt at all. "Once I know that you're safe with your parents again, I'll be just fine."
"I didn't know," the little boy said softly, then got out of his chair and came over to Sydney, putting a hand on his arm. "I don't want you to hurt, Sydney."
"I know, Jamie," the older man said, turning in his chair to face the child.
"I'm not mad at you anymore," Jamie added, his eyes growing hopeful. "Will that help you feel better?"
Touched beyond words, Sydney reached out and very carefully gathered the little boy to him and held him very gently.
"I'm not mad anymore either, Syd," Jarod added his voice to Jamie's, his eyes on his mentor and saying what had been in his heart for a very long time. "I haven't really been mad for a very long time. You were as trapped as I was - as Jamie was. I know that now."
Sydney closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. He hadn't deserved this forgiveness, but they were forgiving him anyway. He felt Jamie's little arms hold him back as best they could, and at long last let that release - that unexpected and oh-so-sweet forgiveness - soothe him.
Maybe, someday, he might even be able to see himself as a human being again.
Chapter 6: Settling Accounts
Sydney moved the file folders of pending simulations to the front end of the top drawer of his file cabinet, his face carefully schooled into completely expressionless neutrality all the while dancing for joy on the inside. There would be no simulations run today or any other day - not with Jamie, at any rate. The little boy was gone, and the Centre was in a complete uproar.
Jarod had not told him the exact details of his plan to extract the child from inside a Centre holding cell - Sydney hadn't asked, nor wanted to know THAT much. The less he knew about the specifics, the less he might be forced to disclose later. But Jarod had told his former mentor enough that he knew that it was Jarod who had literally entered the Centre, found the boy, and spirited him out again without being detected. Sydney also had his suspicions that Jarod had made use of the help of the one loose cannon inmate the Centre possessed. Angelo had been scarce and hard to locate lately, and it was likely that he had been in contact with the little boy - to comfort and soothe him, if nothing else. Angelo would be a likely ally for any attempt by Jarod at a rescue, and Sydney had quietly kept that suspicion to himself.
However, if all was holding to the elements of the plan that Jarod had given him the night before, Jarod had the boy with him and would be taking him back to California in very short order. The two of them would want to lay low for a while until the Centre's intense scrutiny of public transportation channels abated somewhat. In the meanwhile, Sydney knew the older Pretender had already made arrangements for the boy's parents' relocation with a new name and history, with more than sufficient money to last them until Mr. Milburn had managed to find another job that would support them all. The Milburns would have a chance to establish themselves a bit before contacted, and then Jamie would be returned to them in their new home, given a new name himself, and a chance to live a normal life.
As it was, Raines was livid and on the warpath. No sooner had Sydney's report to the Tower that the sweeper sent to fetch Jamie to the Sim Lab to work had found the boy missing been received but the oxygen-starved titular head of the Centre had made his way down. Once there, he had railed at Sydney at length in a voice that sounded at the virtual edge of doom itself, obviously wanting to blame the psychiatrist for aiding and abetting the boy's escape. But, with the evidence of Sydney standing right in front of him, he was unable to justify, and thus reluctant to voice, such a ridiculous charge. A five and a half-year old simply couldn't have pulled this escape off on his own, nor remained without supervision for long. Sydney's being present and accounted for in the Sim Lab ready to work and obviously with no intention of leaving before the end of the day logically disqualified him from consideration. That, in itself, rankled the Chairman more than anything else.
A new Pretender hunt was launched - this time for a child Pretender. Sydney found himself once more teamed with Miss Parker and Sam this time to check out possible places to look for the boy. The three “hunters” had stared at each other in amused dismay at the idea of trying to figure out where a small child could be hidden, whether it was inside or outside the Centre walls, or how to detect clues that would lead them to their goal. They all knew their job was probably futile - and none of them were really all that anxious to succeed.
Miss Parker and Sydney had shared a quiet look between them around the middle of the afternoon while they were alone briefly, that clearly established that the head of SIS would NOT be putting her best effort into this latest boondoggle. And, it appeared, she would not be asking for the head of Psychogenics Department to do much better.
The look of understated satisfaction on Sydney's face and the current of relief along their shared inner channels, not to mention the general lack of pain and worry in his expression and voice, was like a soothing balm to Miss Parker. She had packed a large thermos of the mint tea Jarod had prescribed against the psychiatrist's digestive woes that morning, but she knew that even that couldn't have made THAT much difference already. No, it was the knowledge that Jamie, an innocent child, was no longer in the clutches of the Centre that had worked magic on the man's very being.
But Sam's sympathy for the boy - once carefully kept hidden but now revealed clearly to two others who shared the sentiment - had flabbergasted both the psychiatrist and the head of SIS. The sweeper had been taken aback momentarily at the apparent lack of concern shown by the psychiatrist at the news his little charge had vanished, as well as at the lack of fire in Miss Parker's demeanor while organizing the hunt. The hulking ex-wrestler had observed both of them very carefully over the following hours, and discovered that the scientist's façade of unfeeling neutrality that he'd grown accustomed to seeing in Sydney all these years had been ONLY a façade. What was more, Miss Parker had in some way reclaimed the serenity she'd exuded since the hunt for Jarod had ended. In a moment of revelation, Sam knew he could trust his coworkers with his true feelings.
Still, those traitorous feelings had to be kept inside while the three of them outwardly processed information and brainstormed possible ways and means for a little boy to have vanished from his locked room. A secondary sweeper team was dispatched to track down and locate Angelo on the premise that the empath would be able to tell them how the deed was accomplished. Sydney's subsequent interview of the odd little man who lived more in the Centre's ventilation ducts than anywhere else accomplished a duo purpose - he prepped Angelo for “helping” the hunt and with repeated questions gave the autistic man training on how to avoid answering questions.
As the day wound down to its conclusion, Sydney felt as if he'd spent the entire time spinning his wheels uselessly. He was ready at the stroke of five for Miss Parker to stop by and take him home again after having driven him into work that morning herself. She had been so worried about him the evening before that, while doing the shopping Jarod had asked of her, she'd packed a quick overnight bag and parked herself in his guest room to help nurse him through the night. Jarod's prescription had made short order of his cramping, however, and they both had been amazed that such a simple thing could ease such desperate pain. The thermos of the soothing tea was now empty, however, and Sydney was ready to make a fresh pot to see him through the evening - knowing that he'd already had the best medicine for what ailed him he could have gotten.
"You gonna be OK tonight, Syd?" she asked him as he collected his briefcase from the floorboard of her Boxster after climbing out onto his driveway pad.
"I'll be fine, Parker, don't worry," he responded gently and with feeling. "I have a feeling I'll be resting very well tonight for a change."
She nodded in the fading twilight. "You'll call if you need..."
"I'll be OK," Sydney insisted with a smile and extended a hand into the car to smooth against her shoulder. "I have a hunch that the worst is past for me now."
"See you in the morning, then," she said, catching at his hand and squeezing it briefly before letting it go again.
Sydney straightened out of the car and closed the passenger door, then waved her on her way to her own home before turning to his front door. He had made it just inside the door when his telephone began ringing. "This is Sydney."
"Syd." It was Jarod. "You're home."
"Thank you." Sydney couldn't think of another thing he needed to say to his former protégé - a man he secretly thought of as a son. "Thank you."
"Thank YOU." The Pretender's voice was soft and forgiving. "Do me a favor, though?"
"What's that?"
"Unlock your patio door. Jamie and I spent the day in a safe place, but it's no place for a little boy to spend the nights before we begin his trip home. I was thinking..."
"Say no more. You're both more than welcome to my guest room and couch for as long as you need it. I'm going to unlock the door as we speak," Sydney said, carrying the wireless handset with him as he walked through his dark house into the kitchen-dining area and flipped the lock on the arcadia door there. "Are you two hungry? I can throw together something simple..."
"Any ice cream?" He could hear the smile in Jarod's voice, and knew he was looking down at a child who had been sweets-deprived for far too long.
"As a matter of fact, I do," the older man smiled at his phone. "It's only vanilla, though."
"That'll do," Jarod sounded pleased. "We'll be there shortly."
Sydney busied himself while waiting for his guests to arrive with getting a pot of cream of chicken soup cooking and then setting his little kitchen table for three. He was just setting glasses of milk on the table for his guests, knowing Jarod's love for the white stuff, when he heard the glass door behind him slip in its channel. He turned to greet Jarod and a wary and distrustful Jamie.
"Supper will be ready in a few minutes," he announced, clapping the Pretender on the back in a warm embrace. He looked down at Jamie's closed face and didn't even try to approach the boy.
Jarod saw the direction of Sydney's glance and followed it, then looked back up at his former mentor with a small sigh. "We've been doing a lot of talking today, Syd. Jamie is very angry at you."
"I'm not surprised," Sydney shrugged and turned back to his cooking. "I'd be angry at me too in his position. I made him do things no child should ever have to do; and to make matters worse, force-fed him something disgusting and unappetizing that looked like it came out of a horror movie." He carefully carried the heavy pot of soup to the table and began ladling it into their bowls. "For all he knows, I'm a monster. He had no time or reason to learn otherwise."
The psychiatrist met his protégé's gaze unflinchingly. "You were very angry with me for a long time too, Jarod. Remember? You still are a bit as well, when something catches you unexpectedly."
Jarod's expression grew thoughtful, but he set those musings aside to put a warm hand on the boy's back and urge him into a chair between himself and Sydney. "I told you he'd understand," he stated pointedly to the boy.
Jamie merely glared up at his former mentor, then very gingerly lifted his nose over his bowl and sniffed. This stuff was definitely NOT the same yucky stuff Sydney had been thrusting under his nose in that dark place! With a look of surprise and pleasure, the boy lifted his spoon and took a careful sip - then dug in.
"There's some French bread to go with your soup," Sydney mentioned, holding out a platter of warmed and buttered bread. Jamie looked up at him with surprise, and then warily snagged a piece of bread and nibbled. "It's good," he admitted begrudgingly.
Sydney nodded graciously but didn't try to draw the boy out. He turned his eye to his older protégé. "How long do you need to stay here?"
"At least tonight and tomorrow," Jarod said after doing a few quick calculations in his head. "The Centre is going to be watching every possible avenue of escape very closely for the next day or so - but their attention will thin as they have to expand their arena of study."
"Technically, it's Miss Parker and I and Sam who will be supposedly “after” Jamie," Sydney informed them after swallowing some of his soup. "But I think it safe to say that none of us are going to be giving this task our best efforts. It seems even Sam didn't approve of what he had to do."
Sydney shifted his gaze to Jamie. "You should have seen Sam's face when you threw your breakfast against the wall. He may not have said anything, but he was cheering you on the inside - just like I was." He saw the boy give him a glare of utter disbelief. "I know you don't believe me - I don't blame you - but it's the truth. I couldn't show you how I felt, ever. If the people who had ordered me to work with you had known how much I wanted you to be free, how sad I was that they'd found you and locked you up in the Centre, they'd have taken you away and made it impossible for anyone to help you."
"Sydney's the one who called me, Jamie," Jarod added gently, drawing the little boy's attention. "He asked me to help get you out, get you back to your mom and dad."
Now the little boy's gaze came back to Sydney's, and this time it was full of questions. "You... called Jarod? To get me out of there?"
"Yes." Sydney sighed. "Jarod was another little boy given to me to work with, much like I was working with you, only a very long time ago. I worked with Jarod until long after he was grown up. Then, when he got away, I started to learn that he'd been stolen - just as you were stolen. I couldn't change what happened to Jarod, but when I saw them trying to do it again with you, I couldn't let it continue." He turned in his chair to face the boy straight on. "I am sorry I had to make you eat that horrid food, and go through those simulations."
The little boy's eyes were boring holes directly into the heart of Sydney's soul. "You didn't really want to do that? Any of it?"
"No, I didn't." Sydney felt a faint surge from his still-touchy stomach. "What I really wanted to do was pick you up and carry you right out the door and back to your parents. But I knew if I tried, we'd both get hurt - maybe killed. I had to have help and play the game the people there wanted me to play until you were free again." He felt his stomach stab at him again viciously for the first time all day and turned away to sip carefully at his freshly-brewed mint tea, willing the liquid to work quickly.
Jarod had seen the subtle grimace. "Sydney made himself sick worrying about you, Jamie. He's still hurting."
Jamie looked at the older man quickly. "Sydney?" he asked, his voice concerned for the first time.
The psychiatrist laid a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. "Don't worry about me, Jamie," he soothed, shooting Jarod a pointed look of frustration for handing the boy any guilt at all. "Once I know that you're safe with your parents again, I'll be just fine."
"I didn't know," the little boy said softly, then got out of his chair and came over to Sydney, putting a hand on his arm. "I don't want you to hurt, Sydney."
"I know, Jamie," the older man said, turning in his chair to face the child.
"I'm not mad at you anymore," Jamie added, his eyes growing hopeful. "Will that help you feel better?"
Touched beyond words, Sydney reached out and very carefully gathered the little boy to him and held him very gently.
"I'm not mad anymore either, Syd," Jarod added his voice to Jamie's, his eyes on his mentor and saying what had been in his heart for a very long time. "I haven't really been mad for a very long time. You were as trapped as I was - as Jamie was. I know that now."
Sydney closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. He hadn't deserved this forgiveness, but they were forgiving him anyway. He felt Jamie's little arms hold him back as best they could, and at long last let that release - that unexpected and oh-so-sweet forgiveness - soothe him.
Maybe, someday, he might even be able to see himself as a human being again.
