Disclaimer: The characters Miss Parker, Sydney, Jarod, Broots etc. and the fictional Centre, are all property of MTM, TNT and NBC Productions and used without permission. I'm not making any money out of this and no infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This is a shippy story, but it does answer something that has always made me wonder. If Jarod and Miss Parker were so close as kids, why aren't they anymore? And, if you call now, I'll throw in a free first name for Miss Parker. Yes you heard me right, a 19.95 value, yours, for this one time low price :-)





When She Loved Me
by ~*Ashley*~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"BUZZZZZZZ!"

My alarm clock goes off right by my ear. I fumble around to turn it off. With a smack on its top the incessant noise stops and I drag myself out of bed. What it wrong with me today? It as if my body doesn't want me to get out of bed today. I wonder why?

I shuffle into the kitchen and fix a pot of coffee. The strong aroma brings me more to my senses. When the pot is done I move to the fridge to get out some milk. As I open the door something catches my eye. The calendar I have up on the fridge door stares back at me and I suddenly forget what I am doing. Now it is very clear why I had to force myself out of bed this morning. Some how I must have known that today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life.

I stumble back and catch myself. This shouldn't affect me so much. After all, it has been over twenty years since that day. But like every year this day catches me off my guard. I can't help but to relive every painful moment in my mind. That is one curse of being able to play out any circumstance in my head, sometimes old memories get replayed.

I remember that day as if it were yesterday. It started out so perfectly.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour we spent together
lives within my heart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I had just finished my latest Sim. It was a rather easy one. They wanted me to predict the stock market weather for the next year. No biggie. After the sim I was free to do what I wanted. Sydney always made sure that I had some free time in the afternoon. Although, if any of the higher ups were to find that out they wouldn't be pleased. This afternoon I was waiting for her the way I did ever summer afternoon.

Miss Parker was right on time, as she was every time. She came to visit me every day when she wasn't away at school. She hadn't missed one day this summer. I awaited her visits with great joy. She technically wasn't supposed to even be down here, but she came anyway, despite consequences, to see me.

"Morgan, over here!" I whispered from the shadows. She smiled and moved towards me, careful to avoid any watching cameras.

She looked beautiful. She always had a way of making her drab clothing (the only kind her father would allow) look absolutely wonderful. Her gray skirt and blue blouse were accented by her dark hair and warm, sky blue eyes. I imagined, at least, that her eyes were the color of the sky. I knew it to be blue, and from the way she described it to me on some of our many conversations, its greatness could only be suited to be the color of her eyes. I didn't know any color that could do it such justice, I still don't.

"Come with me." She whispered in my ear when she got close enough. I followed her.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise." Her smile now was one of playful mischief.

We walked along many back corridors. The Centre was such a maze of twists and turns I was suprised that she had any idea where we were.

After twenty minutes of taking back ways around cameras and avoiding sweepers stationed around the halls I could see a light around the next corner. Not the standard issue neon light of the Centre lighting, but a soft, bright light.

She put her hands over my eyes and led me around the corner.

"Tada!" She let go.

I stood facing a giant window. It looked onto what I assumed to be the back of the centre. An expanse of wooded forest behind a grassy meadow greeted my eyes. The blue sky seemed a little dull compared to what I had imagined it to be.

I turned around to face her, my smile now as big as hers. "Morgan! How did you find this?" I quickly turned back to the window, absorbing the sight before me.

"Angelo found it actually, but he wanted me to show it to you."

We stood there in comfortable silence for a couple more minutes. "Jarod, we need to talk."

I tore my gaze from the window and to her face. I didn't like the tone of her voice. "What is it?" I asked cautiously.

She took a deep breathe and stepped closer to me. "It's beautiful isn't it?" I nodded still confused. "I knew that you would like it. There is so much more like that out there. And I think that you should be able to see it all...with me." She added quickly.

I was incredibly confused by then, I think she could see it in my eyes.

"They are going to send me away Jarod. They, my father, want me to go away to college."

"You can come back on breaks like you always do." I tried to reason. What was the big deal about going away to college? She already went away to boarding school, what's the difference?

"They are sending me to Tokyo."

My eyes widened. She continued, "They found out about all the time I spend down here, they weren't too happy. They think that I distract you. They are going to send me far away. They are hoping that while I am gone I'll forget about you. But I can't forget about you. Never." She looked at me intently, "Do you get what I am saying?"

"They can't keep us apart!" I was suddenly afraid that I would never see her again. A sick feeling came over me, things would never be the same.

"Yes they can...unless we stop them."

"What do you mean?"

"Run away with me Jarod. They can't keep us apart if we are out of their grasp."

"What?" I was taken aback. Run away from the Centre? That was a little drastic, and very dangerous.

"I just have a feeling that if we don't leave now, we'll never get away. They'll tear us apart. Jarod I...I...I love you. I can't lose you."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And when she was sad
I was there to dry her tears
and when she was happy so was I
when she loved me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Tears welled up in my eyes. I had always known that we loved each other, but since the death of her mother all those years ago she had been very emotionally closed off. I knew what it cost her to say that. It made me so happy and so sad all at the same time.

"I love you too. You know I do, but run away? Why would you want to run away? What about your Father? Sydney? The Centre would find us. The only way to make sure that they never could would be to cut off all ties to The Centre, including the people we love. And what about all the work I still have to do. All the people left to save?"

"You don't want to leave?" Tears were clearly running down her face now.

"Hey," I took her hand, "I just don't think that we have to do something to drastic. Nothing could keep us apart. Not Tokyo, not The Centre, no one, nothing." I wiped the tears off her face with my free hand, "You can find a way to come back on breaks. We'll still have summer vacation. We have made it through all of these years just having those precious moments together, we can do it for a couple more. Some day, when my work is done, I know they'll let me go. Then we can be together. Forever."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Through the summer and the fall
we had each other that was all
just she and I together
like it was meant to be
and when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
and I knew that she loved me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


She smiled again at me. I thought at that moment, that no matter what happened, no matter what they threw at us, together we would survive.

"I have to go soon, Daddy will be wondering where I went." She leaned in and gave me a sweet kiss on the lips. "I love you, always."

She smiled one last time and disappeared into the shadows as I looked after her.

"I love you too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She didn't come the next day. Or the next. The only information I could get from Sydney was that he had been told that her father had sent her away shortly after we talked.

I waited for her Thanksgiving return. She didn't come. That was ok, she must have just been too busy with family to stop by. Then came Christmas, winter break, Easter, and finally summer vacation. She never came to see me. Every day she was supposed to be back I waited in the shadows of our usual meeting place.

After three years went by and she didn't come back, I knew that she must not have wanted to. You see, if she had really wanted to see me she would have. A Parker always get what she wants. She had forgotten about me, just like they said she would. And I was left behind, still holding on to our love.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So the years went by
I stayed the same
but she began to drift away
I was left alone
still I waited for the day
when she'd say
I will always love you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It was many years later when I saw her again. Centre gossip told me that after college she had been given a job at the corporate after doing some sweeper work for her father. She was so close to me, but so far away. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me when I saw her.

Sydney and I were on our way to somewhere, I'm not sure exactly where, but I do remember what happened next. I was lost deep in thought, contemplating my next sim. Sydney was saying something to me.

I guess I forgot to watch where I was going. In a flutter of papers and folders I ran into some one who must have been lost in thought too. I didn't even look up before I bent down to help pick up the papers. The person I ran into was muttering some obscenities under her breath. I spotted a pink sheet of paper. I reached over to pick it up at the same time she did. Our hands touched. Instantly a shock ran through my body. It was something I hadn't felt in a long time. She must have felt it too because next thing I knew her beautiful blue eyes were staring back into mine.

"Jarod." She breathed, her eyes widening. For a second I thought she was going to either hug me or shoot me, I don't know which. I also saw a pain in her eyes that I had never seen before.

"Morgan." I replied. I was so happy to see her. I had missed her so much.

She immediately straightened standing up, "That is Miss Parker to you." She snapped. "You better remember that."

With a huff she stomped away. Any emotion I had seen in her eyes was gone. That confirmed the other rumor the Centre gossip mill had provided me, that the little Morgan everyone had known and loved was never the same after the day she asked me to run away with her. She became what the techs referred to as an Ice Queen.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lonely and forgotten
never thought she'd look my way
and she smiled at me
and held me
just like she used to do
like she loved me
when she loved me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


With that stomp as she ran out of my reach I could feel my heart breaking. I lost any hope that we would be together forever. Now all I am left with is the memory of what it was like to love her, and to have her love me back. The way she smiled at me. Her delicate touch. It was all gone now.

So each year I allow myself one day to miss her. To love her. You'd think that after all of this time I would be over it, I would have moved on, but I never could. You never move on from loving your soul mate.

I don't know what happened to her while she was gone to make her hate me so much. The last words she said to me were that she loved me. I had naively believed her. I guess that some part of me is still that naive kid. I still love her, and that part of me still hopes that maybe someday, just maybe, she'll love me too.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When somebody loved me
everything was beautiful
every hour we spent together
lives within my heart
When she loved me...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Note: I bet you never thought that Miss Parker would ever ask Jarod to run away with her and he would say no! hehe. The italic verses are from When She Loved Me by Sarah McLachlan.

Disclaimer: The characters Miss Parker, Sydney, Jarod, Broots etc. and the fictional Centre, are all property of MTM, TNT and NBC Productions and used without permission. I'm not making any money out of this and no infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This piece was written as a sequel/companion piece to When She Loved Me. It further explains what happened to tear Miss Parker and Jarod apart. You need to read When She Loved Me first to understand this story.



When She Loved Me
2 : To Love The Loathed
by ~*Ashley*~





Every time I close my eyes it is as if I am transported to another life. The dreams that haunt me, tempt me, through the night go on in the darkness of my subconscious, and for that second I am no longer the Miss Parker known and hated by all, I am Morgan. I am myself. My life is no longer the lonely mess it has become. It no longer hurts me to feel happiness. I am happy. I am loved, I love.

I realize the foolishness of my fantasy. But at one time I believed with all my heart that I would find happiness and love. I recall evenings of wishing on falling stars outside of my window for that life that I dreamt of. That dream, though, was not mine alone. It was his dream too. Jarod and I used to sit for hours on end in the shadows of the Centre building our imaginary future together. The perfect 2.4 children, the little house, and the white Pickett fence. We were innocent enough to believe that we could have such a thing. We should have known better.

I still believed that the day I asked Jarod to run away with me. I honestly thought that he would want to leave with me, want to have that dream life. I longed to lie upon a hilltop under the stars, a fresh breeze flowing through my hair, with Jarod at my side.

I had only begun to realize that there was no way that The Centre was going to let that happen. They had already planned to send me away. Something inside of me told me that if I didn't act right then, I would lose my chance, perhaps forever. So I asked him to run away with me. He promised me that nothing could keep us apart. He told me that one day they would let him go free and then we would be together.

"Forever."

He convinced me that running away wasn't a good idea. Looking back I know it wasn't but I would have done anything to be with him. Reassured by his confidence in our loved beating all, I told him I loved him and kissed him goodbye. I had no idea that was the kiss goodbye.

That night Daddy told me to pack my things, my flight out would be at four the next morning.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Late August 1979

"What!?!?" I yelled at my father.

"You heard me Angel. You have to leave now if you want to get all of your top choice courses."

"But I am not ready!"

He set down the paper he had been reading, "You are ready and you are leaving tomorrow."

"But I didn't get to say goodbye."

"To whom?"

"Um, Sydney." I lied.

It was obvious that he saw right through that one. He was quite aware of my "attachment to the Pretender". It was one of his reasons for urging me to go to a college so far away from Blue Cove.

"Well Angel, you can always send him letters."

That gave me an idea. Sydney was always an advocate of my relationship with Jarod. He could forward letters to him for me.

"Yes Daddy."

I went to pack, content that I had discovered away to make the months away from Jarod easier to bare.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Present

I wrote those letters. I wrote one to him every day I was away for the first semester. I was confident that Sydney would forward my messages to him, so I was astonished not to receive any reply. It was a simple venture to sneak into the Centre mailroom to mail a letter. It would have been even easier for Jarod with his skills.

Each night, after homework of course, I would sit by my window dreaming that wonderful dream. I could barely wait to see him again. I described to him, in my letters, every sight I saw, ever experience I had. I wanted him to be there with me through my words, to see what I saw through my eyes.

I would tell myself at first that Jarod was too busy with his sims to write back. That I had to give him time. He would write back. Right?

At Thanksgiving my father came to me. I was shocked that he would come to see me in Tokyo like that, but he had insisted that he come to me instead of me having to take that long flight back to Blue Cove. He said he was in Asia on business anyway.

I regretted not being able to return to The Centre to see Jarod, but Daddy showed me such a wonderful time I almost forgot about him. That was the first time Daddy introduced me to a nice young man who he though I might enjoy spending time with. He invited several ambitious entreprunures to dinner with us (They all obviously cared more about impressing my father than me). He completely ignored my protests that I was not interested in meeting anyone. Even after he went back home, he had his friends and associates set up these dates for me. He would tell me that he was worried about me being here alone and that he only wanted his Angel to be happy. I believed him and grudgedly went along with the show.

At Christmas I convinced my father that we couldn't have any decent holiday away from home. As soon as I arrived back in Blue Cove I was off to The Centre to see Jarod. I pacified my father with the excuse that I was only anxious to see how much it had changed without me. I spent all morning preparing, my skirt never seemed to look quite right, and it had to be changed several times. I was, to say the least, nervous about seeing him again. It had been almost four months since our last visit, longer than ever before. I still had fresh memories about our parting. I had missed him so much. Maybe he could give me an explanation to the lack of reply to my letters.

I knew that Sydney usually let Jarod have some free time around three in the afternoon. I managed to wait until about two before I lost my patience. I drove over there so quickly I am surprised that I got no speeding ticket.

I made my appearance at my father's office and was off to the Sim Lab within fifteen minutes. I was careful to avoid any unwanted attention. There was no need to alert my father to this little excursion. As I approached I moved into the shadows hoping to surprise Jarod.

I could see, from my hiding place, Jarod. I knew him by his never changing, Center issue hair cut. What caught me off guard was that he was not alone. Sitting close to him, VERY close to him was a blonde woman. She was obviously flirting with him by the way she tossed her hair back every time she laughed.

What I saw next remains burned into my mind's eye to this very day. She whispered something into his ear and turned his head to her with her hand. He seemed a bit uncomfortable but that didn't stop her from giving him a big kiss on the lips.

After watching for a couple seconds and not seeing him pull away I ran. I ran as far away from the Sim Lab and Jarod as I could. He never even knew I was there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

What I didn't see, what I didn't know until today, was that within moments of my departure he jumped from his seat. I sit here watching the DSA of him angrily telling her not to do that again, that they were to work together on this one sim and that was it. I see in my hand the memo from my father detailing how that blonde would stage a kiss for my benefit.

The DSA and memo arrived in the mail this morning. They didn't have a return address or a name. I didn’t need one to know whom it was from. What was Jarod trying to tell me this time?

My father's betrayal doesn't come as much of a surprise. I have known for a long time that he will do anything to keep me from being happy. He needs me as a pawn in whatever twisted power game he plays with the powers that be.

What truly hurts was the knowledge that I spent so many years angry with the wrong person. That anger changed me in ways I shutter to think of. If I had known then what I know now I am sure I would have become a different person.

But I didn't know that the never kissed her back. I was so angry, so hurt. I was always faithful to him. I never even kissed one of those men Daddy set me up with. I couldn't believe how much temptation I had resisted only to find him in the arms of the next girl he met!

I flew back to college on the next flight after Christmas. I resolved to forget Jarod. To move on and enjoy the college atmosphere that I had been denied in the moths I spent pining for him. I wrote him one last letter. I used that he didn't know I had seen the kiss to my advantage. I wrote to him of what a great time I was having, how I didn't miss him or that freak show one bit, and of how many drop dead gorgeous guys I had dated. I hoped to hurt him as much as he had hurt me. As it turns out, that was the only of my letters that ever made it to Sydney and into Jarod's hands. The others had been intercepted before they even left the mailbox in front of the campus library.

I went wild. I didn't care anymore about love or the future. I lived for the here and the now. I smoked and drank, I discarded boyfriend after meaningless boyfriend every time I felt he was getting too close. I would NOT make the same mistake twice. I would not allow myself to ever love again. I knew I could never love anyone like I loved Jarod.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After four years away I came back to work at The Centre. I had changed from an innocent little girl to a hardened woman. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get it. Nothing got in my way. There was only one reminder of the happiness and love I once felt. Every night I was visited by my dream, our dream. It was like a horrible flu that wouldn't go away. I was horrified that somewhere deep down I still wanted that dream to become true.

The day I ran into Jarod in the hall after not seeing him for so long was a shock to me. I had not seen him face to face since the day I told him I would love him forever. The look in his eyes brought back a flood of memories. He reminded me of what I had become and what should have been. The only way that I could retain some form of composure was for me to slip into the ice queen façade I had become so accustomed to. I pushed him away.

I could see the pain in his eyes. The pain that I had caused. I reminded myself over and over that he had done that to himself. He cheated on me, not the other way around. I tried not to think about how I never gave him a chance to explain, or how my leaving so abruptly may have caused that incident of infidelity in the first place. It was his fault, all his fault. I repeated that mantra in my head until it became like a prayer to me.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The day I was assigned to the hunt for The Pretender I was furious. I had asked him to run away with me all of those years ago and he had said no. Now it seemed to be so easy for him to leave. To leave without me, to leave me in this place. I had never imagined that he would go without me.

Why Sydney had requested that I be a part of the pursuit I do not know why. Maybe he thought that because of our history I would never hurt Jarod. Sydney was correct as always.

I tried to convince my father that my services would be better utilized in the corporate. He countered that I was the Centre employee who knew Jarod best, save Sydney.

And so started the chase. He left clues behind for us, little hints. He soon began sending information about my mother. He dared me to feel things that I had hidden deep within my soul. But I was so scared that I would get hurt again. The pain was still so sharp within my heart that another devastation like that would have killed me I am sure.

Jarod must have recognized my fear. He knew that we could never be together, The Centre wouldn't allow it and I was too closed off to him. The years of hatred had left a wound not yet ready to heal. He couldn't be there for me, so he gave me the next best thing. He gave me some one who would love me. He gave me Tommy.

Tommy was a special man. He made me realize how much I missed being loved. I loved Tommy, but he must have known that Daddy wasn't the only reason I didn't want to leave with him. I knew in my heart that I wasn't supposed to run away with him, I was supposed to run away with Jarod.

The reality of the situation was that Tommy seemed to be my last chance with any kind of happiness. I assured myself that even though Tommy could never make me as happy as I knew Jarod could, he would make me happy. When Jarod called and told me to leave with Tommy I could feel my heart breaking again. Not only didn't he want to be with me, he was trying to get rid of me forever. I came within inches of totally giving up on my dream.

When Bridgett killed Tommy it broke my heart. I was overcome with guilt. If he hadn't been with me he would be alive right now. I didn't even love him like he loved me, like he deserved to be loved. I just hoped that he knew I did love him, even if I could never love him as much as I had loved Jarod.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If only Jarod knew what went through my head every time he called. That whenever I threatened to shoot him in the foot I was just covering for my urge to kiss him. My anger is the only way that I can hide my feelings. I know that if I let that mask slip even a little bit, it would be my ruin. If I allow myself to love him I will never be able to stop. The feelings bottled up in my heart would come pouring out like a broken dam. That is not something that The Centre would approve of. They'd have me killed if they even thought I liked their lab rat.

Every day my mind does battle with my heart. It is a constant struggle with what I know I should do, and what I feel I should do.

Tell him that you love him. You should be with him. You have known since you were children that you were meant to be together. It would be so easy. He has always proven his devotion to you. He never really kissed that girl. He was waiting for you. He loves you.

Don't ever tell him how you feel. He doesn't love you. You were only ever just a childhood crush. He has moved on. You've seen the proof of that. You've met his girlfriends. He torments you. He hates you. Stop doing this to yourself right now. He isn't worth it. He doesn't love you, he never did.

Neither side ever really wins. I always end up in a compromise between my head and my heart. I continue to love him, but I don't let him know. I don't let anyone know.

The only solstice I have is our dream. The life we could have, should have had. I allow myself to be completely absorbed by the fantasy. The perfection of that life is a Gibraltar’s rock to me. Deep inside I still believe that someday we can live that life. That all hope is not lost. It is what keeps me from breaking down and giving up.

Someday I will tell him how I feel. Be damned the consequences. I love him. We will be together. We will have our perfect little house, with the white Pickett fence, and the 2.4 children. And we will live happily ever after.

I smile as I pick up a book that came with the DSA and memo. A simple passage is highlighted.

My only love, sprung from my only hate.
Too early seen unknown, known too late!
Prodigious birth of love it is to me.
That I must love a loathed enemy!

Maybe he does still love me.

"I love you, Jarod. I always have. I always will." I whispered into the night air. My words getting lost in breeze.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Epilogue

Somewhere, in a minimally furnished apartment, Jarod lay dreaming. It was the same dream he had been having all of his life. It was the one dream that he welcomed. In the dream, he and Parker were together. They were happy. He could see images of children and a picturesque house.

At this part of the dream he and Parker sat upon a hilltop gazing at the stars. He could almost feel the gentle wind caressing his face. Parker turned her face to look at him. The love in her eyes made his breath catch.

"I love you, Jarod. I always have. I always will." The words seemed so real. It was as if he were truly hearing them being spoken from her lips. She had never told him this in his dreams before. He could almost believe that she was with him saying those magic words.

A small smile graced his lips. For the first time in a long time he didn't have any bad dreams that night. He slept soundly, suddenly filled with a new hope. A hope that someday the dream wouldn't be just a dream. That it could be reality.

"I love you, Parker. I always have. I always will." He whispered in his sleep.

Somehow he knew that she had heard him.