Two things you should know:

1. Run. Run now.
2. Run faster. RUN FASTER I TELL YOU!

Still here?

Fine. Your funeral. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

You probably didn’t know this but the characters come in different types. There is the canon!Jarod (key: word before the exclamation point is the characteristics/action/feature and the name after is that of the character. Thus you can get, for example, gothy!Jarod which is a Jarod dressed up in black rivalling Hillary Duff for eyeliner amounts) and then there is fanon!Jarod.

Jarod:

Physical description: tall (about 6 foot), muscular, without-sideburns, often has a couple of days stubble on his chin, his eyes are ‘chocolate brown’ or ‘caramel’ or some other food stuff and also described with a temperature (‘warm, cold, fiery’). He can eat as much sweets and junk food as he likes without gaining a pound or getting toothache. Now that’s genius.

Bio: Has three hundred and forty eight illegitimate children. Three hundred forty of them are Pretenders and/or some other supwer kewl talent. He has impregnated almost every female even mentioned on the show save those he’s related to (and on one memorable occasion, one of the men). His crusade to save the little guy has turned into money making schemes so he can make his child support payments. In his spare time he whines, moans, cries, finds his family, and saves “Parker” from danger. He also brings down the Centre frequently and gets a dog. There are a few types of fanon!Jarod:

Crossover!Jarod: In which it's discovered Jarod is the key to the major secret/mystery in any other show you can possibly think of. There's also Crossing Jordan's Jordan'sBastardBrother!Jarod, in which he's not even Jarod but James, Jordan's long-lost insane bastard brother with Daddy issues. And Mommy issues. And Adoptive Family issues. And quite possibly actually Jarod, pretending to be Jordan's long-lost insane bastard brother in order to solve the murder of Jordan's mom, because I'm convinced that the writers of Crossing Jordan were smoking the same crack as the writers of the Pretender that season. (Thanks to Katie for this one ^^)

Druggie!Jarod: When everything is just too hard (and it is) Druggie!Jarod turns to his habit to make all the pain go away. Cocaine is his friend. Heroin is his cuddle blanket. Sydney and Miss Parker? Annoyances in between times spent getting high.

Everything-is-perfect!Jarod: often combined with Must-save-Parker!Jarod and Father-of-the-ten-thousand!Jarod. This is Jarod after everything has gone peachy keen. He’s absolutely perfect and has no faults – except perhaps loving his family too much. Usually found in a sequel and usually involves some sort of kidnapping. Now the family must band together to race against Time and save little Catherine-Catherine Jr. He will usually live in a big house, be chief of residency in a local hospital, have a dog – or failing that – kids. Having a dog/children will have made him emotional and weepy and he will spend most of his time consoling Parker/making a clenched jaw face/crying.

Everything-a-girl-could-want!Jarod a romantic Jarod. More than that, he’s God’s gift to women. He cooks, he cleans, he wants to pamper his chosen girl and won’t take no for an answer. He’s a family man and looking for the one. Young girls and housewives ooze into a puddle upon spotting him. Easily identified by sentiments such as “I need you, I love you.” He is often unintentionally funny to those not a puddle on their chair.

Evil!Jarod: Good is totally overrated; being bad is the new good. Evil!Jarod has let go of the past, he’s not interested in that family shite any more. He has seen the light and it is the dark side. Usually Evil!Jarod appears because the author hates him and wants to be justified in killing him. He comes in a variety of forms, the lesser being Don’t-care-about-my-family-anymore!Jarod to the most extreme psycho!Jarod in the middle you may find drunk!Jarod who is just fun.

Father-of-the-ten-thousand!Jarod closely related to the Baby Parker Fic of the Apocalypse but not quite. Story either revolves around Jarod discovering he’s the father (because his ‘seed’ was stolen in a variety of disgusting ways) of twenty children or one of the suwper special finding him. Even when the number of children reaches expediential at no point shall Father-of-the-ten-thousand!Jarod consider jumping off a handy bridge. Eventually they’ll move into a big house in the middle of no where and use the grandparents as babysitters. If reading such a story and Mr Raines enters Jarod’s room with a cup scroll down for all you are worth!

Hurt!Jarod: Poor, beaten, abused Jarod. This Jarod needs hug, stat. Be it from Sydney, Miss Parker, his family or Broots doesn't really matter. Not that we'd give him one, after all he does hurt so pretty. Hurt!Jarod's life has been so hard. So very, very hard. This Jarod often turns into Druggie!Jarod or Why-doesn’t-anyone-love-me?!Jarod.
Probably the most canon Jarod mentioned in fic.

Must-save-Parker!Jarod: The most frequent of them all. This Jarod drops everything because his one twu luv is in danger. Easily identified by statements like “I have to save her! I love her!” Often this Jarod will drop the trail of his family to save “Parker”. This Jarod is sometimes annoying but mostly harmless, combined with I-never-asked-you-to-save-me!Parker makes for some trite times. Be on the look out for growing numbers of OCs (original characters) as it’s often one of the signs of the Baby Parker Fic Of The Apocalypse.

Slash!Jarod: Very rare and usually with Lyle. Slash!Jarod is mostly out of character or being raped. He will always deal with this by doing one of two things: 1. Crying. 2. Clenching his jaw and crying. Slash!Jarod usually has no motives behind his new found gay and often hatred of Miss Parker except that boys are just that pretty. If your Jarod starts acting kinda girly and staring at Lyle then he may be morphing into one. Be careful.

Supa!Jarod: is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s Jarod feeding the sick, healing the homeless and pausing for the camera, and that’s just on Sunday. Mostly self explanatory. Often cries when a dog is run over etc.

Why-doesn’t-anyone-love-me?!Jarod Self explanatory but sometimes also involves torture. Chapters and chapters of angst woe angst will hit its peak with either the bringing in of a loved one (sometimes Miss Parker) or Jarod’s self inflicted death. The ending often depends on how much candy the writer has had and the reviewers.



Miss Parker:

Description: Tall, thin (even thinner than in the show) unless she’s been impregnated/got pregnant in which case she will “glow” with the wouldbemum whatnots. She shows her temperature through her eyes also with a variety of ‘icy,’ ‘frosty’. If she’s not icy then she’s ‘sea blue’ or ‘grey-green’ or any other mixture of ocean and colour. Her eyes are also like a love metre. It starts with “icy cold blue” and ends with “the walls crumbled, he could see it in her eyes”. No we don’t know what colour wall is either.