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A large percentage of this chapter is recap of the tp:2001. Feel free to skip.
The Pretender Survival Guide: A Guide For The New And Used in The Pretender Fandom.
Part Two: The Movies
Yes. That was just the show. This is where things get really weird.
After The Pretender was cancelled (obligatory booo, hissssss) the fans lobbied together to get more. Petitions were signed, emails were sent in bulk, and there was much protesting. For our efforts we got The Pretender: 2001 and The Pretender: Island Of the Haunted.
I know. I wish I could get my emails and time back too.
Efforts continue to get a third movie that supposedly TNT signed on for, but then cut because of funding. Thus far the movement to get 1 million fans has got about 213 or so.
Here’s a brief recap and summary. Mostly because the plot's that thin anyway.
The Pretender: 2001
The first movie. Takes place a little while after the last episode of season 4. No one has died - not even Ethan. I know, we cry too.
Summary: Things blow up, blah blah blah Miss Parker is so darn important to Jarod ... bungee jump... weeeee... the end. ™ Sezzie
What you actually need to know: Miss Parker is important to Jarod. Ethan has run away. Two other pretenders escaped with Jarod. Miss Parker and Jarod’s mothers knew each other well enough to stand together for a picture. Mr Raines is king of creepy incest-sounding phrases. Lyle gets and loses another thumb. Jarod/Broots is practically canon. Mr Parker isn’t Miss Parker’s father… wait? This is news?
Recap:
We open with two random people learning about The Pretender. This is presumably for people who never caught the series. The music tells us these are Bad Men. Anyway, let’s fast forward.
Zip zip zip.
Beginning: (We skip two creepy men in a room explaining the plot because I’ve just done that in the last part and my way was better but longer, so nyeh.) Miss Parker is having reoccurring dreams and not of the fun kind. Ethan is an annoying DSA-watching tool. Got it? Goodie.
Anyway, Jarod watches TV and finds something useful: that the other Pretender he escaped with, Eddie, has been shot. Mr Parker has disappeared, but this isn’t really anything new, Lyle being the last on the redial is though.
Miss Parker talks to Lyle in one of the best scenes in the movie. Lyle had Mr Raines’s thumb grafted onto his hand. Jarod is now a CIA agent and can read Apache; also, Alex’s CIA name is ‘the chameleon’ this is all meaningful and stuff because it’s like what Jarod could have been omg if he had chosen the Dark Side, Luke.
Apparently Catherine Parker had that same reoccurring dream about the super-shiny ring, or so Sydney tells us. Great. Freaky dreams are hereditary. Anyway, no Sydney will not help young Miss Parker-Skywalker, as his last apprentice went to the Dark Side. In other news, ‘the chameleon’ (OMG JAROD THIS COULD BE YOU DON’T TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS!) has been killing the deepest, most hidden CIA agents. He’s got ‘em all except for one. Great. Then everyone sits around and talks about how they’ve found his location. They sit around a bit more and then go to where ‘the chameleon’ is.
Cue thing pacing in front of window and holding a gun. The CIA agents with no family bust in first and take out a clown. Good. I hate those freaky things. Now the more important CIA agents come in and fan out. Jarod finds cards of his head pasted onto pictures of all ‘the chameleons’ victims. He gathers them up because sometimes he’s a smart genius.
Miss Parker is tuning in the Other Side. She gets no lotto numbers, only T.T. Jarod accuses The Centre of using his head on pictures or something, Sydney’s just glad he’s alive. Ethan is hearing about double T as well. He and Miss Parker bond over this and then she sends Broots to go find out about it. Jarod doesn’t tell them about ‘the chameleon’ and how he totally could have been on the dark side because that’s “need to know”. Jarod has genius-phone-sex with the chameleon. There are mentions of Eddie getting involved in a threesome now that he’s out of the coma.
Jarod runs off to ask. Eddie’s not to hot on the idea but does agree to a hug but only so he can steal Jarod’s gun, but it’s okay because Jarod talks him down. Then ‘the chameleon’ comes in on his pod racer and kills Eddie. Eddie gasps out “he’s a dead man” with effort in reply to Jarod’s “did you see him?” which is daft, because “Alex” is one syllable. Dumbass. As the helicopter flies away a ghostly wind echoes “that could have been you, mama's boy”.
Ethan and Broots have both found out the Tommy Thompson was involved with The Centre. I think this is supposed to come as a surprise.
Flashback: Eddie thinks the Centre is going to kill him. Jarod will make his escape plan work for two people. He’s interrupted by Agent Zane who’s putting a wireless tap on his phone. Conveniently ‘the chameleon’ rings from some beach where he’s playing with an origami bird and informing Jarod that he knows all about him. Jarod clenches his jaw which means he’s confused/angry/upset/constipated/lusting after Broots. Oh yeah, and the trace puts the beach in Blue Cove, Delaware. Yay.
Miss Parker wants Sydney Reposit of All Knowledge to tell her about Tommy Thompson. Sydney and his super memory recall that Mr Parker actively disliked him and he was only there a short time. Broots informs everyone that Lyle was looking for him too.
Jarod and all the important agents are on the beach tanning. Or searching a boat that’s full of stuff Jarod’s already discovered. Jarod is visible uncomfortable/angry/peeved off/lusting after Agent Zane. It’s hard to tell. In the middle of all the toys Jarod finds a set of opera glasses and a book on American Sign Language. Jarod’s thinking/lusting after Agent Zane when he hears Mr Lyle’s voice outside. Oh noes! Lyle has been out jogging with a couple of sweepers, or maybe they’re just fanboys. Lyle tells them that the waters are restricted and people don’t swim in them because of the current. There is lots of dialogue that ends with Agent Whatever telling Lyle his thumb is bleeding. Lyle makes a joke about raiding body parts isn’t what it used to be. No one laughs except me.
Conversation between Sydney and Jarod about someone did a project called Starpoints. Apparently it was Dr Thompson’s project, Sydney hints that he’s not the only one interested in Dr Thompson. Jarod then does his guilt trip on Sydney that lives depend on it. Sydney looks a bit sad. It’s probably because of the huge piece of wood he’s been hit with that says “you brought this upon yourself, you semi-evil bastard.”
Other cool scene in this thing: Miss Parker comes up to Lyle’s car and asks if he’s on his way to meet Dr Thompson. Lyle looks pissed and tells her to stay out. Miss Parker says she can’t because it’s tied to her mother. Lyle tells her not to believe everything inner voices says and then after she leaves calls someone and says “Cut off his anaesthesia. I'm coming down to see him now and I need him alert” and then heads off in some strange direction. From behind a pillar Miss Parker and Broots watch and follow.
Mr Raines isn’t dead. Again. Again. Again. He is thumbless and is unimpressed with being thumbless though.
New lair: genius Jarod and useless half-brother puzzle over the pictures. Eventually Jarod figures out that in each picture the person is making an obscene hand gesture, or maybe its sign language and spelling out a word. The movie doesn’t say.
Miss Parker tells Sydney all about seeing Raines. Sydney goes on about missing links and mothers and stuff. Who cares? There’s not enough slash in this scene to make it interesting. Unless you ‘ship Sydney/Broots, in which case you need help.
Yes. That was just the show. This is where things get really weird.
After The Pretender was cancelled (obligatory booo, hissssss) the fans lobbied together to get more. Petitions were signed, emails were sent in bulk, and there was much protesting. For our efforts we got The Pretender: 2001 and The Pretender: Island Of the Haunted.
I know. I wish I could get my emails and time back too.
Efforts continue to get a third movie that supposedly TNT signed on for, but then cut because of funding. Thus far the movement to get 1 million fans has got about 213 or so.
Here’s a brief recap and summary. Mostly because the plot's that thin anyway.
The Pretender: 2001
The first movie. Takes place a little while after the last episode of season 4. No one has died - not even Ethan. I know, we cry too.
Summary: Things blow up, blah blah blah Miss Parker is so darn important to Jarod ... bungee jump... weeeee... the end. ™ Sezzie
What you actually need to know: Miss Parker is important to Jarod. Ethan has run away. Two other pretenders escaped with Jarod. Miss Parker and Jarod’s mothers knew each other well enough to stand together for a picture. Mr Raines is king of creepy incest-sounding phrases. Lyle gets and loses another thumb. Jarod/Broots is practically canon. Mr Parker isn’t Miss Parker’s father… wait? This is news?
Recap:
We open with two random people learning about The Pretender. This is presumably for people who never caught the series. The music tells us these are Bad Men. Anyway, let’s fast forward.
Zip zip zip.
Beginning: (We skip two creepy men in a room explaining the plot because I’ve just done that in the last part and my way was better but longer, so nyeh.) Miss Parker is having reoccurring dreams and not of the fun kind. Ethan is an annoying DSA-watching tool. Got it? Goodie.
Anyway, Jarod watches TV and finds something useful: that the other Pretender he escaped with, Eddie, has been shot. Mr Parker has disappeared, but this isn’t really anything new, Lyle being the last on the redial is though.
Miss Parker talks to Lyle in one of the best scenes in the movie. Lyle had Mr Raines’s thumb grafted onto his hand. Jarod is now a CIA agent and can read Apache; also, Alex’s CIA name is ‘the chameleon’ this is all meaningful and stuff because it’s like what Jarod could have been omg if he had chosen the Dark Side, Luke.
Apparently Catherine Parker had that same reoccurring dream about the super-shiny ring, or so Sydney tells us. Great. Freaky dreams are hereditary. Anyway, no Sydney will not help young Miss Parker-Skywalker, as his last apprentice went to the Dark Side. In other news, ‘the chameleon’ (OMG JAROD THIS COULD BE YOU DON’T TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS!) has been killing the deepest, most hidden CIA agents. He’s got ‘em all except for one. Great. Then everyone sits around and talks about how they’ve found his location. They sit around a bit more and then go to where ‘the chameleon’ is.
Cue thing pacing in front of window and holding a gun. The CIA agents with no family bust in first and take out a clown. Good. I hate those freaky things. Now the more important CIA agents come in and fan out. Jarod finds cards of his head pasted onto pictures of all ‘the chameleons’ victims. He gathers them up because sometimes he’s a smart genius.
Miss Parker is tuning in the Other Side. She gets no lotto numbers, only T.T. Jarod accuses The Centre of using his head on pictures or something, Sydney’s just glad he’s alive. Ethan is hearing about double T as well. He and Miss Parker bond over this and then she sends Broots to go find out about it. Jarod doesn’t tell them about ‘the chameleon’ and how he totally could have been on the dark side because that’s “need to know”. Jarod has genius-phone-sex with the chameleon. There are mentions of Eddie getting involved in a threesome now that he’s out of the coma.
Jarod runs off to ask. Eddie’s not to hot on the idea but does agree to a hug but only so he can steal Jarod’s gun, but it’s okay because Jarod talks him down. Then ‘the chameleon’ comes in on his pod racer and kills Eddie. Eddie gasps out “he’s a dead man” with effort in reply to Jarod’s “did you see him?” which is daft, because “Alex” is one syllable. Dumbass. As the helicopter flies away a ghostly wind echoes “that could have been you, mama's boy”.
Ethan and Broots have both found out the Tommy Thompson was involved with The Centre. I think this is supposed to come as a surprise.
Flashback: Eddie thinks the Centre is going to kill him. Jarod will make his escape plan work for two people. He’s interrupted by Agent Zane who’s putting a wireless tap on his phone. Conveniently ‘the chameleon’ rings from some beach where he’s playing with an origami bird and informing Jarod that he knows all about him. Jarod clenches his jaw which means he’s confused/angry/upset/constipated/lusting after Broots. Oh yeah, and the trace puts the beach in Blue Cove, Delaware. Yay.
Miss Parker wants Sydney Reposit of All Knowledge to tell her about Tommy Thompson. Sydney and his super memory recall that Mr Parker actively disliked him and he was only there a short time. Broots informs everyone that Lyle was looking for him too.
Jarod and all the important agents are on the beach tanning. Or searching a boat that’s full of stuff Jarod’s already discovered. Jarod is visible uncomfortable/angry/peeved off/lusting after Agent Zane. It’s hard to tell. In the middle of all the toys Jarod finds a set of opera glasses and a book on American Sign Language. Jarod’s thinking/lusting after Agent Zane when he hears Mr Lyle’s voice outside. Oh noes! Lyle has been out jogging with a couple of sweepers, or maybe they’re just fanboys. Lyle tells them that the waters are restricted and people don’t swim in them because of the current. There is lots of dialogue that ends with Agent Whatever telling Lyle his thumb is bleeding. Lyle makes a joke about raiding body parts isn’t what it used to be. No one laughs except me.
Conversation between Sydney and Jarod about someone did a project called Starpoints. Apparently it was Dr Thompson’s project, Sydney hints that he’s not the only one interested in Dr Thompson. Jarod then does his guilt trip on Sydney that lives depend on it. Sydney looks a bit sad. It’s probably because of the huge piece of wood he’s been hit with that says “you brought this upon yourself, you semi-evil bastard.”
Other cool scene in this thing: Miss Parker comes up to Lyle’s car and asks if he’s on his way to meet Dr Thompson. Lyle looks pissed and tells her to stay out. Miss Parker says she can’t because it’s tied to her mother. Lyle tells her not to believe everything inner voices says and then after she leaves calls someone and says “Cut off his anaesthesia. I'm coming down to see him now and I need him alert” and then heads off in some strange direction. From behind a pillar Miss Parker and Broots watch and follow.
Mr Raines isn’t dead. Again. Again. Again. He is thumbless and is unimpressed with being thumbless though.
New lair: genius Jarod and useless half-brother puzzle over the pictures. Eventually Jarod figures out that in each picture the person is making an obscene hand gesture, or maybe its sign language and spelling out a word. The movie doesn’t say.
Miss Parker tells Sydney all about seeing Raines. Sydney goes on about missing links and mothers and stuff. Who cares? There’s not enough slash in this scene to make it interesting. Unless you ‘ship Sydney/Broots, in which case you need help.
