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Disclaimer: The characters Miss Parker, Sydney, Jarod, Broots etc. and the fictional Centre, are all property of MTM, TNT and NBC Productions and used without permission. I'm not making any money out of this and no infringement is intended.
Jarod´s Wedding (Pretender/Roseanne Crossover) by Nexusofdreams translation by fb698

Jarod ran along a freeway. He was somewhere in Illinois and thought about it like it was for his members of the family what they were doing just at this that moment. He was lost in the thought of hope meeting everyone once living with them, in a town which is peaceful and without fear of tracing by The Centre. Perhaps founding a family of one's own and his grandparents, his parents would live two houses got further, in a street with lots of trees. However, got to him conscious, that he still had not even a wife and sadness spread across his face. His forehead put himself in wrinkles and he felt lonesome, as already in his life. He didn't hear how a car approached from behind. A woman sat at the steering wheel but she didn't turn the look towards the street. She had to be lifted a bag of chips which had slipped of the passenger seat. She extended her arm and looked for the bag of chips gropingly. For a moment she turned her eyes towards the bottom of the vehicle to locate on the object of her desire. At this she didn't remark how her left hand turned the steering wheel right. Suddenly she heard something.A dull tone so as if she drove over a toad but they weren't away to this season actually. She braked and got out. Holding the bag of chips in her hand she went behind the car in the expectation to get a shock at once because an uncomfortable feeling crept around her. When she saw an arm at which ran along blood at the roadside she yelled out loudly and dreadfully and dropped the bag of chips which was a proof-finding piece of circumstantial evidence of her unstoppable eating amounts. In this case even a proof of a negligent killing? Jarod woke up slowly. He felt a pain at his left arm and left leg. He only opened hesitantly his eyes. He saw, that he was lying on a sofa under a crocheted, colored patchwork blanket. Suddenly he heard a voice. "How are you? You don't have any pains from the small bump, do you?" Jarod looked into the face of a brown-haired, stout woman, who expectantly looked at him and added: "I also have picked up your funny small suitcase from the roadside. This was the only one what I have found. Otherwise you didn't have had any baggage there?" Jarod was confused and saw his notebook computer lying on an old, worn living room table which had already well seen something.

"Where am I?"
"Hey, you don't know that? You haven't got an amnesia or something like that? Welcome in the hell! You are in Lanfort, Illinois and I am Roseanne Conner but call me Roseanne". "I am Jarod... Jarod Stewart. How do I come here?" "Oh, you ran along on the freeway 51 , the sun blinded me and there I have pushed you lightly with my car. However, you didn't seem to have any serious injuries.That's why I have taken you to my home. You know, poor American antisocial scum cannot afford it absolutely to take any hitch-hiker who happens along to a hospital. How are you feeling now?" Roseanne asked worriedly because she didn't know, whether this Jarod Stewart didn't want to do possibly proceedings against her anyway.
"I think I have broken nothing. It is only a couple of contusions and grazes. Don't worry I will do nothing against you, I only have to rest a couple of days. Do you know, where there is a hotel?"
"Here in Lanfort there are only hotels, in which the cockroaches feel well. If you want, you can stay with us a couple of days, that brings purely a little change here." Roseanne said and looked at Jarod with a strange look as if she planned a thing by which Jarod still would be surprised. Jarod saw the mischievous smile of Roseanne and thought, that he is left in peace of Ms. Parker and the sweepers of The Centre and agreed to stay with the Conners. Perhaps he also got to know, how harmonic it can be to live in a family. Although the smile of Roseanne's face made him uncertain a little bit. Roseanne went into the kitchen to the telephone and chose fast the number of her sister Jackie. She was so excited, that her tongue ran out from the corner of her mouth and one had the impression that she would let a bomb go rise, at once. "Jackie, you must come to a meal tonight. You have become far too thinly again and you need a decent meat loaf so that your hips get curves again, too. Oh yes, don't put on your slurping jumper again, please, we have got a guest ". Roseanne disconnected fast, so that Jackie couldn't cancel. In the meantime Jarod had escaped from the talons of the patchwork blanket and looked at the photos on the wrong mantelpiece when Roseanne came to the room again. "This is my husband Dan and this is my daughter Darleene, the most charming little daughter, that you can imagine. You will get to know the rest of the family tonight. I will make my famous Roti á la viande hachée. You wouldn't have expected to be fed in Lanford with a French food? Hahahahahahaahaa." Jarod smiled because his French was perfect and he knew that it was an ordinary meat loaf. But he only said:"I am very pleased to meet your family." " Don't say that too early, Jarod!" Jarod was glad to be at Roseanne, she was a woman with the heart at the right place and that let forget him his hunters from The Centre a little. He only worried whether The Centre wouldn't be got out perhaps again where he stayed and he took people again to danger. Jackie came through the back door into Roseanne's kitchen. Roseanne, who just shut the baking stove door, turned round and said to Jackie: "Ah, there you are. At least you haven't put on your tramp look. Take a seat. I have to tell you something." Jackie had put on her red mini-dress and was excited: "Who is your guest and why I mustn't put on my favorite jumper?"
" It's so Jackie, I have run into somebody on the Freeway and brought him and he is exactly the right man for you. He simply looks perfect and seems to look for a woman. You would be the right one anyway."
"Oh no, Roseanne, I choose my husbands for myself!"
"Take a look on him!"

"What does he do professionally?" Roseanne stared at Jackie nonplussed. "I still haven't asked him at all but it also can't get worse at the previous flops which you had". Jackie went to the living room door and opened it a little to take a look on the guest. Then after all Roseanne was right, even worse types couldn't cross her way. What her eyes discovered weren't obviously bad and showed a strange expression of ecstasy and nervousness itself there. Roseanne gave her sister a push and so Jackie stumbled into the living room. Jarod turned round and said ", Hello, you must be Jackie, Roseanne's sister". Jackie, fascinated by Jarod's sight, moved nervously her dress and walked awkward on her red court shoes towards Jarod. "Yes, yes. I'm Roseanne's younger sister. Ah, what's your profession?" "I am an architect however, at the moment I am on vacation and discovering our country on foot. A true alternative to the usual mass tourism." "Ah yes, I have to help my sister in the kitchen. Do you want a beer?" "A beer? Barleyjuice? Oh yes, I would like to try." " Where have you built houses? Doesn't give beer there where you come from?" "I didn't have any opportunity to drink beer till now, although it's a very old concoction and spare made by the old Egyptians ..." Even more nervous than before, confused by his answer, Jackie interrupted Jarod and said she would going to fetch him a beer from the refridge. She escaped to Roseanne into the kitchen, leant against the wall and held her hand on to the forehead. She breathed hectically and stuttered: " Roseanne, this ..., this is the ... the first time that you drag along for me a type, who is so ... so, you already know what I mean. And he is an architect." "Yes, I even knew, this is the right one for you. I've always told it to you, trust me ". Meanwhile on the freeway 51. A car held at the place where the accident happened. Miss Parker, Sydney and Broots got off the car. "What in all the world does our fugitive genius want in this goddamned, boring area"? "He was on the way to Chicago as far as I have pursued this correctly." Broots said and looked admiring at Miss Parker hoping that she gave him the attention of which he dreamed of. "All of us know this Broots but his trace loses himself here. What does he plan again? Into which trap he wants to lure us this time?" Miss Parker hissed. "The next town is called Lanfort. We should try it there best." Sidney suggested. "Yes Sidney, you are right otherwise what we have left. Come on Broots, stir your sox up and get into the car." Broots winced and mumbled quietly: "What? Stir up the sox? I wish she ... " " Broots, didn't you listen to what I said? We're gonna loose Jarod because of your daydreams!" Miss Parker slammed the car door with a loud bang whereupon Broots winced once more and got fast into the car. Jackie went armed with a bottleof beer to Jarod. " Here's your beer and tell me how you like it." "A bottle of beer from such a soft hand can taste only good." Jarod said and looked such outrageously deep into her eyes that she at first returned his look rigidly and then saw coyly aside. She got a little red behind the ears and hoped, that she knew nothing for to reply on this look, that Roseanne came in and freed her from this embarrassed situation. She saw pleading to the kitchen door but she only saw that Roseanne held back the door broadly a gap and to watch her grinning in her plight. Jarod took a large drink from the bottle. "Mmmmhhhh, this is much better than the protein juice I got as child! What are you doing here in Lanfort, Jackie?" At this moment Darleene came inside and answered instead of Jackie:" Aunt Jackie has tried to find the man for life for 25 years but she won't get it in this dress." Darleene passed by the two into the kitchen. Jackie looked at her badly. "Thank you Darleene, this time, it guaranteed that it is not my dress but at my insolent niece. You must excuse, Jarod, but there are well some members in our family who apparently are less interested in the luck of the others." Toward the end of her rate her vote got pure and she looked after Darleene and her face twisted with anger. "If you want, you can stay also with me. I have a house quite nearby and you can study the wonderful architecture of my house and you wouldn't have to sleep on an old, by sat sofa there." "Yes exactly, I just wanted to suggest it because later Dan comes home and he doesn't like it at all, if his favourite sofa is occupied by men which I had to take home because of an accident. Go with Jackie," Roseanne said and brought a piece of meat loafs wrapped up into aluminum foil. "If everybody means that, why not? Jackie, it would be a pleasure for me to admire your architecture." He beamed on Jackie because he had got a feeling in his stomach, when he looked at her he never sensed before. And he felt that he didn't care for everything at the sight of Jackie. She seemed such wonderfully and fascinating, that he didn't want anything else than to be alone with Jackie. They took their jackets and left the house. In the fast decision going to Jackie, Jarod forgot his notebook computer on the table. A black car drove over the Main Street of Lanfort. "And where shall we begin? Shall we knock and ask at every house whether somebody has seen a genius run away?" Miss Parker asked. "Miss Parker, I could try to find Jarod notebook computer. At the last time the sweeper have built-in a GPS transmitter unite and I have succeeded it to interfere with the signal." Broots said. "Don't drivel and make it already." Broots chopped as wild on his notebook computer around. He noticed with a contend smile that Miss Parker depent on him. "Now make it already, this cannot last so long anyway." "Yes, I am just ready. I've got it! We must take left, then right and the signal comes approx. 200 m further there." Meanwhile Roseanne was alone again. When Darleene noticed that her mother devoted herself to the meat food again she left the house under protest at once.
Roseanne didn't remark that a black car stopped in front of the house. Miss Parker pulled her pistol away and took the way to the back-door. Sydney and Broots took position ahead of the house. Ms. Parker slowly approached the back door.Then she pushed the door open with her foot like a puma on the hunting which attacks his spoils at once. She pointed the weapon at Roseanne who sat at the table and spluttered when she looked into a weapon. A piece of the meat loaf had slipped into the windpipe and she turned red because she suddenly suffered from heavy oxygen deficiency. When Ms. Parker saw Roseanne struggling for air, Sydney and Broots also came into the front door. "Jarod doesn't seem to be here, only his notebook computer lay on the table", Broots said. "Broots, you have joined a course in first aid. You help the woman, perhaps she can help us along," Ms. Parker instructed him. He looked at Roseanne, which looked as if her head would burst at once. She waved wildly the arms around herself. He got doubt whether he could help Roseanne at thoughts at which he must use the Heimlichgrip. He extended his arms to assess whether he also had arms which were long enough to comprise Roseanne. The expression in her eyes changed from panic into rage when Roseanne noticed this. However since Broots couldn't refuse any order of Ms. Parker, he went behind Roseanne and took hold of her thorax with both arms around. Ms. Parker couldn't see anything of Broots except his arms because Roseanne covered him with her body mass. A smile darted about Ms. Parkers face. Broots jerked repeatedly to and fro with Roseanne through the kitchen.Finally the piece of meat loaf flew out of Roseanne's neck in a high bend. It landed in the decolleté of Ms. Parker, who at first shut her eyes and then opened and saw the meat loaf in her neckline. She took a napkin, took the piece of meat loaf and threw it into the garbage can. She turned around to Broots. "When will you ever make something right, without standing like a jumping jack. And you Mrs Conner are telling us now where is Jarod!" Meanwhile Jackie and Jarod had arrived in Jackies house. "Do you also have a sister?" Jackie asked. "Yes but I have been separated by my family since my childhood and I would like to have a family". He looked at Jackie and stated, that he had fallen in love with her and approached her and kissed her.They hugged and let themselves be fallen on Jackies bed. Jarod didn't think about The Centre and the flight from his catchpoles any more. He was tired of it and finally wanted to think of himself and immediately passed with the thought Jackie get married. Jackie went out of the bedroom and fetched a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Jarod leant against the door and looked at Jackie. "What do you think about if we get married immediately? I love you." Jackie turned round and stared at him, approached and hugged him. "What? Now?" "Yes, get dressed we go to the justice of peace."

Jackie thought over a moment and said "Yes, yes, I love you." The two got dressed and went to the justice of peace. Jackie wrote fast on a piece of paper: Roseanne, I'm going to marry! We are at the justice of peace. Ms. Parker, Sydney and Broots had gone to Jackies house with Roseanne. When Ms. Parker pushed the front door open this time, they found an empty house. Ms. Parker approached Roseanne who was held tight by Broots. She set her the pistol to the head. " You have lain to us. You will have to pay dearly for that," she threatened Roseanne. "
I have said the truth. Take the pistol and tell the clown here he shall let me off ". Ms. Parker turned round, furious about that they wouldn't get anything out of Roseanne. Then she discovered the piece of paper, which Jackie has placed for Roseanne on the table. "Unbelievable, Jarod is always good for surprises. We are driving to the justice of peace." Roseanne didn't think to trust her ears. How could Jackie get marry without letting Roseanne organize the wedding. Jackie and Jarodwere standing in front of the justice of peace whom they had woken up from the sleep and had to comply with his duties, if he wanted to or not. He spoke the words which he already had said so often with a tired voice. "If somebody has to object something to the marriage of these of both people, who are standing in front of us, so he may speak now or be silent for ever." At this moment Ms. Parker opened the door and shouted: "Yes, I! This man belongs to me!" Jackie and Jarod turned around.They looked at Ms. Parker, who pointed the gun at him. Jarod was furiously, desperate and deep disappointed. Once again he had been tracked down by The Centre and they still destroyed his life. With a sudden jerk Roseanne tore herself away from Broots. She packed him and pushed him against Ms. Parker. When he pulled down Ms.Parker, the pistol fell out of her hand. As Roseanne saw that Ms. Parker tried to come behind Broots to reach for the pistol she yelled: "Run away, Jarod!!!" And Roseanne threw herself with her whole weight on Broots and Ms. Parker which couldn't move both any more. Jarod looked deeply into the eyes of Jackie. "I'm sorry. I will come back!"

Once again he kissed the crying Jackie. Then he looked at Sydney, who did nothing. He ran out for certain, he only will be able to marry Jackie when he had destroyed The Centre.

So nothing else had left but to continue his flight.

Nexusofdreams
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