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Disclaimer: The characters Miss Parker, Sydney, Jarod, Broots etc. and the fictional Centre, are all property of MTM, TNT and NBC Productions and used
without permission. I'm not making any money out of this and no infringement is intended.

Ten Things Or More I Hate About You
Felicity Drummond





“Why do I hate him?”

Because everybody loves him, because he has something to search for and I’m sorry lab rat but I really don’t find your self-pity attractive. Damn him, What does he have I don’t. Why do they all want to save him and care about him and feel sorry for him. Why do I hate him so much? I know he thinks he is saving the world. That his good deeds actually make a difference?

His black and white world should be shattered by the grey areas yet somehow he clings on to the difference. He never crosses the line because, because why? Because he is some avenging angel and he is good and we are all bad. When did he manipulate me into thinking that way?

I used to think I was the one with the higher standing the moral vindication. Now I’m torn, confused and out of control and it is all his fault as everything is as he thinks he controls everything. He is so wrong. I have a little knowledge of the conversations he’s had with Syd. As with everything in the Centre they are recorded. I wonder how many we miss.

But I’ve listened to their little debates, his accusations. The guilt he piles on Sydney. Maybe that is what angers me most. Sydney who sacrificed his life for Jarod’s and is made everyday to feel guilty for it. But yes I’ve listened and fumed and smoked and it all comes back to one subject, himself. He could kill someone and I’d bet anything they’d give him a commendation.

He’d moan and groan about it. Caught in the recesses of moral struggle and indignity. He can never understand that there are so many things in life out of our control it’s either his entire fault or all anybody else’s. There is never any in betweens. That is the main difference between us. I live between the lines while he exists neatly above them. I hate his arrogant attitude; his self-satisfied smirk how dare he tell me I’ve had too much to drink when the only reason I’m drinking is to drown out his sacrificial tidbit’s about our mutual pasts. I don’t want answers. I never asked for them.

I was ordered back to the field and subsequently back to the past that I’d spent years forgetting. Few People know why Daddy sent me back here. He could have chosen any other operative to run across the country after their elusive Pretender. Just because I felt suicidal one week and accidentally shot a sweeper. Too much stress he says, you just need a change of scene.

How dare Daddy make that judgement when it was only after I started chasing Jarod that I got an ulcer? So far I’ve been strip searched, caught in a hurricane. He actually gave me the flu! Hell the list goes on and on and on and It is all his fault.

No, not Daddy’s Jarod’s. Jarod, Jarod, Jarod. Sydney says I have unresolved issues. That my ulcer will never get better as long as I harbour such bitterness towards my evil counterpart. Well he is the bad guy I tell you. I have a whole secret organisation to back me up. He only has himself the interminable and very weird friends he keeps making and setting up as obstacles. Of course I’m the good guy it’s just a twisted true to life story where the bad guys win.

But then wait a minute. Who says I wanted to be good, why should I desire that role? Being bad is so much more fun less restricted. I have this uncanny skill of breaking the rules. He can’t even lie. I wish he would once in a while. I wish he’d make up his mind either tell the whole truth or none at all. But I hate most that I’m curious, desperate even. Now I know half to know everything. I want answers and Patience well it’s not a Parker family trait.

That’ s all I’m saying. Sydney says. Now how did I get on that line of thought? Sydney says this and Sydney says that. It’s not like I give a Damn what Sydney says. Not officially anyway. It hurts what they see in me. It hurts that I can’t explain and they can’t understand because I’m too afraid of feeling numb.

Every time I get hurt I lose another part of myself, I don’t want to fade away or cease to exist but with every betrayal I grow less and less significant I care less and less about myself and maybe that’s what I hate about him most of all. That he can live with himself and I can’t that he gladly grounds me into dust everyday undermines, humiliates and degrades yet I’m supposed to accept it for I’m in the wrong and that makes him right? Every person I’ve ever allowed myself to love has been taken from me because of him. Not directly of course but there’s always been this connection My mother, Sydney, Now he is ‘directly’ taking away my father.

The only one I’ll allow inside that is left. It is true he hurts me. A part of me dies every time he betrays or stands me up. But with Jarod’s onslaught of truths I could normally turn a blind eye to he has stolen my father along with everyone else. They are all so interested in Jarod. Poor Jarod, I guess he never asked for it. I don’t think I would hate him quite so much if he didn’t hate me. If he didn’t resent me and claim I had the perfect childhood that I was loved and cherished and privileged. If he didn’t claim I’d betrayed him instead of him betraying me if I wasn’t all-alone and he was taking all I had left while searching for everything he had always wanted and finding it.

In bits and pieces but finding it all the same. See the greatest difference between us he could never understand or see is that at the end of all this for him lies truth and a loving family and a dream. All that lies at the end for me is emptiness, loneliness and possible suicide. In finding his family he takes mine away. In cherishing his freedom he stole my only chance at it.

I hate him because I love him in spite of everything and will subsequently never take him back.









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