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Just wanted to say thankyouthankyouthankyou to RaChell for giving me a hand with my writing on this one. Couldn't (and probably wouldn't since you're the one who pushed me into doing it...) have done it without you ;)
Disclamer: I don't own the character from the show or anything related to the show. I'm not making any euros, pesos, dollars, kroners or any other currency you could think of, from this or any other fanfic story.
Summary of the "plot" so far: A first time fic writer is having some problems with her first story, leaving Jarod and Miss Parker stuck and having to deal with her rather annoying muse.
The writer's story is italics and the rest is what's happening "behind the scenes".
"Achoo!" Jarod sneezed and was instantly rewarded with hard punch in the gut. "Ouch! What did you do that for?"
"For waking me up you idiot. The writer has us up very ten minutes. I need to get some sleep! "
"Sorry, but your hair was covering my nose. And...well, you do use a lot of hairspray."
"Oh, no! You did not just go there!" She glared at Jarod and his unnaturally shiny hair. "Your monthly gel cost is enough to feed a family of seven for a year."
"I'm just using the opportunity to style while I still have hair. After Carthis, every writer seems to cut my hair short. G.I Joe-short. "He ran a hand through his hair. "Did it really look that bad?"
"Yes." She said simply and fished a cigarette out from under the mattress. She needed a major dose of nicotine to deal with a cranky, sugar deprived Jarod.
"You could have at least thought about it first..." He muttered and put on a sulky three year old face.
She was going to say something, but was interrupted by the loudspeaker.
"Here we go again!" Parker put out her cigarette on the bedpost.
"Oh Jarod, are you awake?" She adjusted her glowing body in his masculine arms.
"Yes, the nightmares are just too much to bear. Oh my dear Morgan, how you glow in the moonlight is- - is - - -
The story stopped and was replaced by a long line of profanities. Then the speaker turned off. This had been going on for days.
"You know, I'm beginning to miss the finger tapping." Miss Parker sighed.
"Hopefully she's packed it in for today and we can finally get some sleep."
"Hopefully." Miss Parker echoed. She was doing her best to locate her zippo, which for some reason rolled under the bed when Jarod began to sing.
"Cree Craw toad's foot.. G-"
"If you sing that nitwit song one more time I'll tell you who's going to get a toads foot." She was so angry her eyes were spitting fire.
"Parker, that doesn't even make any sense."
"I haven't gotten more than a couple of hours sleep for over a week, excuse me if my death-threats aren't accurate enough for you"
Suddenly a crib appeared in the middle of the room. In it was baby-Kyle and he was crying. Loudly.
"Shouldn't that thing have been kidnapped by the Centre by now?" Miss Parker mumbled, and took a long, hopefully soothing, drag from a fresh cigarette.
"It's the writer's block. Nothing is going according to schedule." Jarod coughed as he tried to wave the cigarette smoke away from him.
"Honey, just stay in bed. I'll get him." Jarod said lovingly to his dear Mandy as he climbed out of bed.
"I thought I was 'Morgan' in this one?" She had to yell over Kyle's intensive screams.
"Guess she changed her mind." Jarod shrugged. He felt something tug, and looked down "Oh great!" He found he was, once again wearing nothing but a black silk boxer two sizes too small. "If they continue to put me in stuff like this I doubt we're gonna have another fic-child." Jarod said as he did his best to keep the silk from getting too acquainted with his more personal areas.
"I can't say I'd miss it." Parker cleared her throat and turned around to fluff her over fluffy pillow, clearly just as uncomfortable with his outfit as Jarod was.
She laid down to fully admire his rugged torso. He was - - - he was - - -
The baby screamed a little louder.
"Oh no! Don't freeze on us now writer. Don't you dare!" Jarod screamed with desperation.
"He was....sweaty, hot, sexy, manly...hairy!" Parker tried to get the ball rolling.
The writer remained dangerously quiet.
"A stud then! Anything! Think you bloody idiot!" She was desperate. She needed the writer to stop that screaming baby.
But to no use. The next thing they heard was a heavy sigh and then the sound system was turned off.
"NOO!" Jarod screamed.
Miss Parker just sat there, completely flabbergasted. "I can't believe she just left us here with a crying baby. That's beyond cruel."
Obviously baby Kyle agreed because his screams increased, both in pitch and volume.
"You really think I'm a stud?" Jarod said hopefully.
"Shut up, Jarod." She began fluffing her pillow again.
Several long hours had passed and there was still no word from the writer, and Kyle continued to scream like never before. Jarod was rocking the baby back and forth. He had a striking resemblance to a hostage victim; desperate and willing to do anything to get out of the current situation.
He had tried everything, he had rocked the baby, both on it's back, belly and side. Burped him, played with him, gave him a horse back ride. Even the oh-so-popular "ignore method", which lasted about five seconds until Parker got so sick at the increasing volume she picked him up herself. She held him like an atomic bomb for about five minutes before she gave up on her maternal instincts entirely and handed him back to Jarod. But apparently not even pretenders can outsmart plot bunnies.
After two hours and forty three minutes, Parker's patience came to a sudden stop. She opened the top drawer of her nightstand and found, who other than her dear old friends.... Smith and Wesson.
'Well at least some things are in character.' A smile formed on her face as she clicked off the safety.
Jarod turned around in panic. "Parker, what the hell are you doing?!" He yelled as quietly as he could, trying not to make the baby scream any louder.
"Jeez, Jarod. Calm down. I'm only going to fire a warning shot." She chambered a round.
"What?!" He hissed.
"To shut it up. It always works. Even you stop your annoying rambling after I shoot once or twice in the ceiling."
"Yes, but I'm not a baby! It'll only scare him, and make him cry even louder. So unless your plan is to make us deaf and escape the noise that way..."
She stopped to consider her options. Deaf did sound remarkably tempting compared to another hour of this...
She sighed deeply before she ejected the round and cleared the chamber, put the safety back on and slammed the gun back into the nightstand.
"If you say so Jarod."
They stopped dead in their tracks.
He gave her a questioning look."What did you just say? "
"I- -I don't know!" She whispered in terror and collapsed down on the satin sheets.
"If you say so Jarod?" He mimicked in disbelief.
Miss Parker picked up a pink furry pillow and clenched it tight, looking utterly traumatized. " Now we know we've been living together too long."
Jarod nodded in agreement, he looked just as scared as she did.
"We need to do something to get out of this. Fast!" She said muffled into the pillow.
"Of course, why didn't I think of it sooner!" Jarod's face lit up like a cheesy trailer park in December.
"The muse! The writers are always talking about how much they have to do with what's written or not. For once we can use it to our advantage!"
"Now why didn't you think of five days ago?" Parker scowled at him.
"Are you seriously going to yell at me because I have a good idea?" The sulky three year old returned as Jarod muttered under his breath: "It's a good idea"
"Yeah...'course it is" She shot him a smile that was anything but friendly, then inhaled deeply. "MUSE! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!" She yelled, directly into both Jarod's and baby Kyle's ears. The baby's screams increased once again.
About five minutes later a beam of light appeared and in it was a young woman carrying a big leather bound trunk. Except from her rather large, sixties glasses, she looked like she was going to a toga-party. When she spotted the people in front of her she completely froze. "Oh...my....gawd...." For the next few minutes she just stood there and stared at Jarod, practically drooling.
He was busy trying to get the baby to quiet down and completely oblivious to the whole thing.
"Hey. Over here." Miss Parker waved to get her attention, it only partially worked. "Who are you?"
Her gaze followed Jarod as she stepped out of the light beam dragging the trunk after her. "I-I'm your new muse" She said absent mindly and continued to stare. "Jarod...and Miss Parker of course. I would just like to say what an honor it is to finally meet you..." Parker could swear she could see her mouth water as she watched Jarod lay the baby down on the queen size bed. "I mean the both of you...In person and...here." She sighed and gave them a goofy, slightly possessed smile. " I'm such a big fan."
Apparently the baby didn't like their bed anymore than his own so Jarod picked him up again. As he turned around he practically tripped over the muse who was standing right behind him. "Well, hello. Nice to meet you too." When he shook her hand, she looked like she was about to faint.
"Where did our old one go?" Parker asked as the muse continued to shake Jarod's hand.
"Huh?" The handshake had become creepy long, even by Jarod's standards. So he began the complicated job of retracting from the girl's grip. At first he tried to gently wiggle his way out, when that didn't work he tried the slot machine approach, which only made her tighten her grip.
"Strong handshake you've got there." He looked down at his hand, waiting for her to get a clue.
Parker had had enough and simply jerked the Muse's arm to separate her from Jarod.
"Hey!" Parker snapped her fingers to get her attention. "The muse. The old one. Where is she?"
She said it as slowly as humanly possible, hoping some of the information would make it's way into the distracted Muse's mind.
"She's on vacation." She used air-quotes. "In a place where the walls are quite...soft. Padded in fact. But you didn't hear that from me."
"Oh... she's in a mental institution." Jarod chuckled a bit.
"No, she's taken a job at a fabric store. Of course a mental institution, what did you think moron?" Parker said agitated. Either Jarod had to shut up or the baby had to, because she couldn't deal with both of them at the same time.
Jarod was about to comment but considering Parker's current mood, he decided it wasn't such a good idea and changed the subject. "So... what kind of people do you muse for?"
"I'm a fanfic muse. They don't trust me with anything else..." Before Parker could cut in she continued. "Puh, this case is so heavy." She obviously expected the night-in-shining-armor-routine from Jarod.
She didn't receive it.
"Then why drag it with you everywhere? Can't you just make it appear when you need it, like the other woman did?" Jarod suggested before he returned his attention back to baby Kyle.
"Oh, I'm not allowed to do that anymore. I'm back to the old fashion way, light beams." She intentionally dropped a book on the floor planning to pick it up in a sensual way. But she ended up looking more like a forklift stuck in the mud as she bent down for the fifteenth time, still unsuccessful at finding a way to bend without her dress falling apart.
"Why?" Parker rolled her eyes, cleared her throat and picked up the book effortlessly in her shorty robe.
Jarod was oblivious to anything other than the baby's screams.
"You see...there was an incident." The muse glared at Parker and moved closer to Jarod, who returned the gesture by moving further away in the other direction.
"Oh?" Miss Parker had to stifle a laugh at Jarod's unintentional response.
The muse ignored her and continued. "Lets just say some things that really shouldn't disappear, did...during a smut scene."
"O...k." Miss Parker frowned and watched Jarod's eyes widen as he clenched baby Kyle a little closer to his chest. He began to hyperventilate and had to apply one of the breathing tecnices Sydney taught him as a child.
Parker decided he could probably use a minute and continued for him "Anyway, the reason we called you down here, we have been living together for weeks now. And we just can't take it anymore. Can you help us?"
"I'd love to, believe you me." She looked at Parker "But she's a first time writer who just got a new muse. Losing her characters as well... muses taking total control over stories like that is frowned upon. Under normal circumstances it has been known to cause high blood pressure, insomnia, great declines in grade point averages and worse. So imagine what would happen if I did it after all that happened. Not that I have the ability too..." She sat down on her trunk and shot puppy dog eyes at Jarod who had finally managed to calm down.
Parker had to admit, she actually missed the previous muse.
"Maybe you can help us with something else then," Jarod readjusted the shrieking lump in his arms, "Almost three hours ago the writer left us here with baby Kyle crying. And she hasn't written anything since. The baby is tired, we are tired. Could you do something to sh...quiet him down?" In the background Miss Parker did her best to fake a smile as she grinded out her cigarette butt pretending it was the Muse's head.
"I can't make any promises. But I'll do my best." She grabbed her trunk and opened it. After a bit of digging she pulled out a walkie talkie and turned it on.
"Beam me up, Scotty."
"Oh, I get it. Cause you're a fanfic muse, right?" Jarod chuckled, she was quite cleaver this muse.
The light beam appeared on the other side of the room. She sighed deeply and dragged the heavy trunk with her. "No. Because the guy in the control room is called Scotty." She made sure the trunk was securely locked. "What does 'Scotty' have to do with fanfic anyway?"
"Cree craw toad's foot. Geese walk barefoot" Jarod sang quietly to his son. Baby Kyle instantly fell asleep in the crib.
"HA! 'Instantly' my cute little butt!"
"Shhh! You'll wake him up again." Jarod whispered and pulled the blanket over the baby before he made his way to the bed as quietly as he could. After several days of the same fight over the only piece of furniture, they had come to terms with the fact that if either of them wanted to catch some sleep they would have to share the bed. So for now it had turned into a quiet battle over who had most of the sheets.
"Silence. The most beautiful sound in the world." Miss Parker sighed happily for the first time in days.
"You going soft on me Parker?"
"Shut up Jarod."
Jarod strangled a laugh in a furry pink pillow.
Not more than a half hour later Parker was awakened by someone poking her shoulder repeatedly.
"If you have any desire to keep the finger attached to your hand, I suggest you stop. Now."
The poking continued.
"Jarod!" She spun around in fury, but instead of Jarod's evil grin, she was faced with the weary expression of a familiar woman in a toga. "MUSE! Why are you poking me?!" She yelled while doing her best not to strangle the woman for waking her up. She had managed to put the baby to sleep, she could be useful later.
Jarod was still sound asleep, which was odd. Parker had always pictured him as a light sleeper. He was snoring too, she would have to mock him for that later.
"I- - I need your help. I can't take it anymore. She is constantly slipping in and out of writers block. So every time she tries to write something, I have to come to her rescue. They gave me one chance to prove I'm a worthy muse, and they stuck me with her! She's impossible! She can't even finish a sentence without getting stuck. Why can't she be like other writers? Write a little, then take a break, then write a little more, then take a little break. She writes a couple of words, then nothing. Then after staring at it for half an hour she deletes it. Then it starts all over again a half hour later. Why?!" The muse grabbed a hold of Parker's bra straps with both hands to fully underline the dramatic affect."Why, I ask you? WHY!?!"
"Hey, hands off Juliette." The muse plummeted to the ground and began to sob quietly. "Unfortunately," Parker readjusted her bra strap and looked down at the muse with disgust. "most writers are that way. At least from time to time. It's your job to get her out of it." This was like trying to explain quanta physics to the janitors in SL15.
"I used to have such a nice writer, such a good writer. He only wrote during the day time. Do you know how rare that is? And then he would write two or three pages. And then leave it for a few days. Then write another few pages. But then I had a few mishaps and he didn't want me anymore. And now I'm stuck here with her."
Parker wondered if her gun was still in the drawer after the writer's latest chapter of this never ending saga. "Yeah I get it, your life sucks. Boo-hoo for you."
"Hehe, that rhymes." The muse giggled a little and was rewarded with an icy stare. "Well, it does." Parker continued to stare. "Hey, I'm supposed to notice these things. It's my job."
"Yeah whatever. Just tell me why you woke me up so I can get back to sleep." It was a long time since Parker had done a little target practice, perhaps muse was here to volunteer.
"Well, in an attempt to get the writer sorted out, I've been told to stay close by. Up to now I've been staying in a hotel. But my boss won't pay the bill anymore. He's claiming I ordered too much room service. Like champagne is really that expensive! And I'm not exactly being paid for this assignment, so I can't afford to stay there on my own. The payment is simply keeping my job. Or so he claims. So...I was wondering if I could crash here for a while." Her face was one big hopeful smile.
"If I stayed a little closer I might be able to get to her before she loses her train of thought. And she might be able to finish the story, and you'll be done. End of story!"
Miss Parker found that idea very tempting. Jarod was beginning to get into her head. She was even beginning to think like him. Just this morning she woke up craving, not cigarettes, but pez. It must be some brainwashing thing he learned at the Centre. All she knew was that she needed to get out of this. Fast. So against her better judgment...
"Jarod?" She gave the motionless lump next to her a push.
"Muse will be staying with us for a while."
"Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She put her arms around Parker and gave her a big hug.
"What did I just say?"
She instantly let go and put up her arms to show her complete surrender.
"But if you're going to live here, you're going to take of the little bundle of joy in the corner there. Stop its screaming. You'll feed it, burp it, change it. Whatever needs doing with it, it's your job."
"Actually, I think it's a him. The writer named him Kyle"
"Whatever you say muse. I don't bond with original characters."
"Not even a baby as cute as him?"
"As long as I'm not the one who has to change its dirty dipers, it could be a alien spy for all I care."
"Don't!" The muse said in terror "At this point the writer is so desperate for ideas she'll use anything."
"Very true." She handed the muse a purple glitter pillow. "Find yourself a nice spot in the corner. We'll talk tomorrow"
They were rudely awakened by the squeak of a microphone.
Jarod and Miranda rose from their sleep and made their way to the kitchen, little Kyle in their arms.
"Oh, finally! Food!" Jarod grinned in anticipation as the bed evaporated and a suburban kitchen appeared in it's place.
Melanie began making a healthy breakfast while Jarod brought out a big bag of his favorite sweets and a huge bucket of ice cream. And - - and - - -
"I think that's my signal." The muse said and went to get her walkie talkie.
Jarod covered the baby's ears just as the writer began to swear and grinned at the growing heap of deliciousness in front of him.
"You know, I think I can really grow to enjoy this whole writer's block-thing!" He said and took a big scoop of ice cream.