Sydney sat behind the steering wheel of his car, impatiently drumming his fingers against the wheel, and sighing in annoyance. Where the hell was he?

A movement in his review mirror caught Sydney’s attention. Glancing over his shoulder, Sydney saw Jarod running awkwardly over to his car, hiding behind a few others on his way. Jarod finally climbed into the car out of breath.

“What took you so long?” Sydney asked, harshly, letting his annoyance show.

Jarod glanced at Sydney unbelievingly. He had just escaped the Centre again. Hiding from the camera’s, dodging the sweepers that on two occasions almost spotted the injured man, sprinted across a 1000 space car park, and all he could do was ask what took so long?

“I’m sorry Sydney. It’s harder than...” Jarod panted heavily, he could hardly comprehend Sydney's cold attitude.

“I’m sure you could have done it faster, I know you have before.” Sydney interrupted Jarod’s explanation with a hate filled voice.

“Sydney...” Jarod tried desperately to explain. Sydney was all ready furious with him for the crash and Miss Parker's death, he didn’t want him any madder because he had trouble getting out of the Centre.

“Keep it to yourself pretender, I don’t care anymore.” Sydney said in a emotionless voice.

Jarod gasped as he straightened up. Sydney had never called Jarod by anything other than his name.

PRETENDER!!?? Oh god Sydney! How many times am I going to have to say I’m sorry? I didn’t mean to kill her, you’re not helping by calling me that. Please don’t be like this to me Sydney! Please!

Jarod sank even lower into the seat as he pulled his seat belt over him, wincing in pain as he did so. Turning away from the fire in his mentor’s eyes, Jarod stared out of the window, crying silently.

The ride was made back in an uncomfortable silence, bar the occasional sniff and escaped sob from Jarod’s body. Jarod clung for dear life onto the armrest attached to the door, frightened that Sydney might crash the car as well. He had risked a glance at Sydney a few times, and each time made him shrink away. The older man’s jaw was tightened in anger, rage burned in his eyes, his lips pressed together in a straight line.

#######

Pulling into the drive way, Sydney slammed the brakes on bringing the car to a halt. Throwing open the door as he got out, Sydney walked up to the front door and entered his house, not bothering to wait for the younger man.

Jarod cringed at the sudden and violent movements that Sydney made. This was totally against his character. He had always hidden his feelings, always remained cool and calm. He had never even so much as shown Jarod a smile while he had been in The Centre unless it was to say 'good work Jarod’.

Would Sydney have shown this much emotion if I had been the one to die? Would he ever show this amount of pain, anger, sadness if I died? Would he ever show that he cared?... Would he care?

This realisation triggered a fresh wave of grief. Jarod had always wondered, always hoped that Sydney would show this kind of emotion towards him. Jarod had consoled himself throughout his entire life with the belief that Sydney was incapable of showing any really strong emotion. But Jarod realised now that the fault was within himself, and it always had. He was not worthy of Sydney's love, and now, he never would be.

It wasn't fair. Sydney was showing emotions that Jarod had never seen before, emotions that were for Miss Parker. Jarod wanted so badly for Sydney to show this much feeling for him. It wasn't fair! She had always had the better life, always had people that cared for her, family. Jarod was consumed with guilt. He had taken it all away from her. It was his fault. He couldn't blame The Centre or anybody else this time. He had done this. It had been his decision, and his alone. Had he been so consumed with jealousy that he wanted to see her hurt? So obsessed with his own freedom that he had been willing to sacrifice her very life? Oh God! He was so sorry! Remorse tore at him. How could he make Sydney understand how sorry he was?

Slowly climbing out of the car, Jarod eventually made it to the front door. Hesitating at the threshold, wondering if he should just turn and run. Disappear. Vanish. Hide forever. Never face Sydney, or Broots, or her family. Granted, he never wanted to face her family, but now it was worse. Especially her father. He would have no second thoughts about dumping him in SL-27, under Raines' dubious 'care'. Mr. Parker wouldn't care if Jarod was left in any shape after Raines' torture, to do SIM's for them. Perhaps that is no better than what he deserved.

Before he could change his mind, a hand grabbed his wrist and yanked him around the corner forcibly. Sydney stood there, pointing to the wooden chair in the middle of the lounge room. Taking the hint, Jarod slowly hobbled over to the wooden kitchen chair, and gingerly sat down. Before Sydney moved from his spot, he flicked on the over head light, illuminating the room up brightly.

This was the first time Sydney had a chance to see the extant of Jarod’s injuries. Sydney gasped in horror. How could he have missed it? Why didn’t Jarod mention it?

I know why Jarod didn’t say anything. I was laying on the guilt. Venting my hurt and anger on him.

Sighing, Sydney walked closer to the man for a more intense inspection. Reaching his hand out for Jarod’s face, Sydney didn’t fail to see Jarod jerk back in fear.

What have I done? He is afraid of me!

Sydney reached out again to try and take a hold of the man’s face but Jarod jumped off of the chair and scooted back.

“I’m not going to hurt you, you should know that.” Sydney almost laughed at himself; the way he was acting contradicted everything he normally was. Jarod had every right to be terrified. Sydney decided to take the approach he had been on already. It seemed, at the moment, like it worked better, got through his confusion and shock.

“Sit down pretender!” Sydney growled, bring up all his anger and pain again.

The growl startled Jarod badly, slowly inching forward, Jarod sat down.

“Thank you.” Sydney said softly, noticing the confusion flash in his eyes.

Reaching out his hand for the third time, he watched Jarod flinch under his touch. Grabbing a hold of his chin, Sydney turned it up to the light. Jarod had split his lip, a cut above his left eye, a huge gash on the right side of his forehead. The blood smeared across half of his face and throughout his hair and was still steadily seeping out. His cheek bone was bruised with the chance of being fractured.

Letting go of his face, Sydney instructed Jarod to remover his tops. After five minutes, they were finally off. Jarod had a bruise from where his body slammed against the seat belt. His right collar bone was dislocated, also from the impact of the seat belt. The rest of his torso seemed fine, with the exception of a few scratches, his ribs were tender but nothing broken.

Jarod’s right wrist was swollen, and the pretender let out a strangled cry as Sydney applied pressure. It was badly broken, at the very least, multiple fractures. Sydney briefly wondered how Jarod got up into and out of the vents with his wrist.

Bending down, Sydney gently took off Jarod’s shoes and socks, paying attention to Jarod’s sore ankle, which was concluded only to be a sprain. Noticing blood on his pants, Sydney asked Jarod to take them off. After a brief pause, Jarod obeyed. The older man noticed pieces of glass sticking into Jarod’s flesh. Reaching into the first aid box that Sydney had grabbed from the bathroom, he pulled out a pair of tweezers. First pulling out the biggest pieces, Sydney then moved onto the smaller ones. It took what was left of Jarod’s strength to stay still and not sway or fall over. He wished Sydney would have said to lie on the couch, instead of standing. After Sydney was sure all the glass was out, he got to work fixing the rest of his body.

First wrapping both legs with bandages to help stop the bleeding, Sydney put Jarod’s collar bone back in place and wrapped his wrist. Placing his right arm into a sling, making a mental note to take him to a hospital for an x-ray of the wrist and to get it plastered. Placing small gauzes over the scratches on Jarod’s torso, he moved onto Jarod’s face. Wiping the blood from the two small cuts and from the gash, Sydney noticed that the cut on his forehead would need to be stitched.

Grabbing the bottom half of the pyjama’s Sydney had grabbed for the injured man, he helped Jarod step into the too short pants. Turning Jarod around to guide him to the couch, Sydney took notice of the major bruising on his back. Siting Jarod down on the soft couch Sydney told Jarod what had to be done.

“I need to stitch the gash on your forehead. I don’t have any anaesthesia on me, and only a sewing needle and thread.”

“I can handle it, I deserve the pain anyway.” Jarod responded sadly.

“Do you want a drink first?” Sydney asked softly. He was beginning to regret his earlier harshness.

Turning his head towards the psychiatrists, he shook his head. He didn’t deserve to be numb, he deserved the pain, the punishment. Sydney saw the unshed tears that were sparkling in his protégé’s eyes.

Nodding, Sydney got to work. After sterilising the needed equipment in some Vodka Sydney had in his small corner bar he carefully stitched Jarod’s wound. Jarod couldn’t help but to flinch a few times when the needle threaded through the tender skin. The slight throb that was there before was replaced with a searing pain as the sharp needle pierced small holes in the soft skin, pulling cotton through it as the needle made its journey.

Sydney quickly finished, wiping the fresh blood away. Walking into the kitchen, Sydney filled a glass of water and took it out to the man on his couch. Jarod gratefully took it. All the crying had strangely enough made him thirsty. He had never cried so much in his life. On a few occasions he had wept but never cried.

#######

Jarod had finally fallen asleep, granted it was a restless slumber, but it was still rest. Sydney sat in the armchair watching the rise and fall of Jarod’s chest. Reflecting on his behaviour, especially the way he reacted towards his protégé, he was deeply ashamed.

Jarod had just been through a very traumatic experience and all he had done was make it worse. Jarod had repeatedly reached out for help and comfort and what had he done? Push him away, isolated him, punished him for what happened.

How was Sydney ever going to repair the damage done? The young man was terrified of him. Sydney still couldn’t believe that he had called Jarod ‘pretender’, Jarod would never forgive him.

But should Sydney ever forgive Jarod? He caused the car crash that killed Miss Parker. But on the other hand, the Centre had said it was Jarod. They do have a tendency to lie. But would Sam lie about something like that? He was loyal to Miss Parker and he didn’t need another excuse to hate the pretender. Sighing, Sydney decide to wait for Jarod to wake up, ask what had happen, and if need be, beg for forgiveness.

Sydney continued to watch Jarod sleep. The tortured man was obviously in the midst of a horrendous nightmare, sweat dripped down his injured face, his brow furrowed in painful emotions.

#######

The vents seemed much smaller then they used to be, more constricting, trying to grab at him as he travelled through them. Did they always seem so small?

Where was she? He had to find her!

There!

She’s alive! She’s alive! Thank god! She is breathing, alive!

Relief flooded through his veins like a warm drug. Looking up with his eyes closed, and for the first time in his life, he said a silent prayer to the gods. Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life.

The covering of the vent obscured his slightly blurred vision. They were cutting her! There’s so much blood! Oh god! Oh god! So much blood. There was a hole in her perfect, soft, flat stomach. So much blood. Its ok, she's still breathing.

She lay on that hard, cold, tortuous metal table. The sight of those tables would always haunt the man. Her arm hung off the table at an unnatural 90 degree angle. Her face was covered in almost one whole bruise. Her leg. Someone fix her leg! It must be hurting her like hell! Fix her leg!

She will never forgive me! Never! Why did I run? Why didn’t I stay?

No, no, no! She’s not breathing, oh god! Someone help her! Please god, help her! Make her breathe! Don’t you dare give up on her! Please don’t give up! You son of a bitch! Don’t you dare read out the time of death! No... no... no... Parker NOOOOOOO!

I have to get out. I have to go somewhere, anywhere! She’s dead! I killed her! I ran and left her to die!

Somewhere safe, somewhere comforting. Sydney. Sydney will understand. He will still want me! I’m so sorry!

Dark comer, I need to curl up and disappear. I killed her.

Sydney. I’m so sorry! I killed her!

Sydney! Please don’t yell at me! You don't understand... Why aren’t you comforting me and telling me lies. I need you to lie. Tell me I didn’t kill her. Please tell me it was her fault!

Why didn’t she just bring me in? I would have voluntarily walked through the front fucking doors!

Sydney! I told her not to do it! You have to understand, I tried to stop her but she wasn’t listening. She wanted to save me! Oh god I killed her! I pushed for ‘little’ Miss Parker, ‘more like her mother’ Miss Parker. And I found her! Sydney after all this time I finally found her, only for her to want to do what her momma wanted, and set me free! And now she's dead too! I’m so sorry!

Sydney please forgive me! Please don’t push me away! Please don’t hate me! I need you Sydney! Please Sydney!

Sydney don’t leave me! Please don’t walk out the door!

I killed her! What have I done?

Oh Jar-rod!! ...It can’t be her. What's Miss Parker doing in Sydney's office? She's dead, she can't be here.

Miss Parker?

Why’d you kill me genius?! Was it so I'd stop chasing you? I was giving you your freedom, you didn't need to kill me! ... God she is so mad!

I’m so sorry Parker, I didn’t want you to die.

I didn’t die rat, you killed me remember? You ran away, with your god damn tail between your legs! Oh look, a few sweepers. Any other time you'd take them on. But nooo, this time you just had to run! You just left me there to die. You killed me! ... please Parker, don’t yell at me!

I’m so sorry! I didn’t want to run, but they were there, I thought they would help you!

Ha! When do sweepers ever help? They always screw things up!

I didn’t want to run. You made me promise. ... I’m begging you to understand,
please Miss Parker, don’t hate me!

The first time in your life that you decide to follow an order, a request, and you choice to do so when I need you the most! I thought you would have stayed to help me. I thought you cared enough for me to want me to live. ... she is so sad! I made her sad. I never wanted her to be sad.

Miss Parker, I do care for you, a lot. I wanted to stay, but I couldn’t. I ran. I was a coward. I was so scared, so terrified. I didn’t want you to die. But I couldn’t stop myself! I ran!

How could you let me die Jarod? ... Oh god! She’s crying! I made her cry! The ice queen!

Parker, please don’t hate me! I’m so sorry! Please Parker... please!!

#######

“Parker. Please don’t hate me! I’m so sorry! Please Parker... please!!”

Sydney watched as the young man begged for Miss Parker’s forgiveness as the tears cascaded down his red face.

“Parker!!!!! Come back! Parker don’t leave me!!!!” Jarod yelled as he bolted upright.

Jarod’s head swung from side to side as his eyes darted around the room. Fear and remorse filled the puppy dog browns. The sparkle had left, only leaving pain.

“Are you alright Jarod?” Sydney asked softly.

Jarod cringed at the use of his name, he isn’t Jarod to Sydney anymore, only pretender.

This is a trick! He wants me to relax, to have a false sense of security, to believe that he doesn’t hate me. I won’t let him hurt me anymore. I am ‘his’ pretender, I will follow his orders but I won’t let myself think he doesn’t hate me! Jarod thought angrily.

“Fine, thank you.” Jarod said with a distance in his voice.

The more impersonal I make this, the easier it will be on me. I don’t want to lose two people I care for in one day but I can’t let Sydney lay the guilt on, I can't handle it.

Sydney was taken aback at the lack of feeling Jarod was showing towards him. He only now realised how badly Jarod had needed him, and how badly he had let him down. He had some serious making up ahead of him.

“Jarod I’m...” Sydney began only to be stopped by the man on his couch.

“Don’t! Just don’t!”

“Jarod, I realise...” Sydney tried again.

“No! I won’t let you destroy me anymore! I can’t handle the anger, the guilt, the blame... the sadness from you. I am laying it on myself enough!”

“Jarod, if you just...”

“If I just what? I killed her and I am never going to be able to bring her back, even with all my ‘talents‘ I can never bring her back. Her family will be hunting for me even more ruthlessly, never even so much as a second to breathe. I’m not even sure that I shouldn’t just turn myself in. Broots is going to hate me forever, I took the only woman in his daughter's life away from her. I killed the only ‘child’ you loved, and if you even think of forgiving me, don’t! I don’t deserve forgiveness.” Jarod’s voice softened, showing the utter pain and sadness he was feeling, “Please just go and leave me alone. I will be out of here in a few minutes.”

“You’re not going anywhere Jarod.” Sydney said softly.

Jarod looked into Sydney’s eyes only to find fear, concern, worry. Sydney’s face had returned to the beneficent face he remembered from his life at the Centre. A little distant maybe, but it was the face that Jarod would always love, the face that he would always associate with the word ‘father’.

“Jarod, I’m beyond sorry for how I treated you earlier. You must understand, I have known Miss Parker almost as long as I have known you. She was like a daughter to me.” As soon as that comment came out of his mouth, it registered what Jarod said. I killed the only ‘child’ you loved. “Jarod, what did you mean, the only child I loved?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.”

In Jarod’s minds eye, he had a quick flashback to when he was trying to save Broots life from Damon, only the wording was reversed.

“Please Sydney, just leave it. For once in your life, don’t analyse what I have done or said.”

“You don’t believe that I don’t think of you as a child, as my ’child’?”

“What have you ever said or done to make me believe that I am anything other than a Pretender to you, especially the way you were acting towards me earlier. Dammit Sydney, I needed you.” Jarod looked down at his hands and the rest was only a whisper, “I always will.”

“Jarod, you must understand. I was angry, hurt. I was shocked, I just lost someone else I cared deeply for. Another innocent life lost because of the hell we are associated with. Sam told Broots and I that you were responsible. Despite my better judgment, I believed it somewhat. I saw what state she was in before the surgery and then I was told she died on the table. It all finally exploded when you said it was your fault. It reinforced the story we were told. I could not control myself, I didn’t want to hurt you Jarod, I truly didn’t.”

“Sydney, I’m incredibly sorry for what I have done. I didn’t want her to die!” Jarod burst into tears. The realisation that this was all real, that Miss Parker truly wasn’t going to walk through Sydney’s front door with gun in hand, was sinking in.

“I know Jarod, I know you are.”

“Oh Sydney, I can’t bring her back! I can’t! For all I’m good for, the one time I need my intelligence, my gifts, I can’t use them.”

“I know you want to bring her back, we all want her back. But it isn’t going to happen, we have to accept this. Jarod...” Sydney called his name a little louder trying to get the younger man to look at him.

He got what he wanted. Jarod looked up at Sydney with emotion filled eyes, tears trying to escape.

“I’m sorry I called you pretender. You needed my help, comfort, my love. All I gave you was hatred, pain, guilt and blame. I am sorry, I will do what ever it takes for you to forgive me.” Sydney said sincerely. Even if Jarod did cause the crash, Sydney did not want to lose another person he loved.

“Forgive you?!” Jarod asked incredulous. “I’m the one that needs to beg for forgiveness, I’m the one that should be throwing themselves onto their knees grovelling for forgiveness!” Jarod said fighting back the tears, time to be strong.

“Jarod, what did happen to cause the crash? As you know, the Centre doesn’t exactly pride themselves on telling the truth.”

Jarod pondered the question for a while. What was he going to tell his mentor? If he told the truth, that Miss Parker willingly drove the car into the tree so Jarod would have a chance to escape, Sydney would never speak to him again. He didn’t want to have Miss Parker forever haunting his dreams because he didn’t tell Sydney the truth, after all she did, he would want her memory honoured. Or should he take the opposite blame, saying he caused the car to collide with the tree? A failed escape attempted, he panicked and tried to get control of the car, causing Miss Parker to lose control and to hit the tree. What should he say?

“Jarod, please don’t lie to me. I want the truth, I want to know what really happened.”

Jarod swallowed the fear and nervousness. He opened his mouth, and before he could do anything, the words came flooding out of his mouth.