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Sibling Rivalry VII
Part One
by: chopsticks
g
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Miss Parker ducked around the corner quietly, remaining completely unseen. She had been shadowing Mr. Lyle’s secretary, and now that the girl was off to lunch, it was Parker’s perfect chance.
"Linda," Miss Parker said coldly, startling the young woman.
"Oh, Miss Parker! I did not see you-"
"Cut the chitchat. I have a request for you," Miss Parker said, waving a dismissing hand.
"Yes, ma’am?" Linda inquired meekly. If there was one thing she had learned while being at The Centre, it was to never, ever talk back to Miss Parker.
"I know that your boss had Broots post the last list outside my door. I could smell the horrendous cologne he wears all over the paper. Now, I want you to post this." Miss Parker shoved a piece of paper in Linda’s hand and stalked off, leaving the younger woman vaguely disoriented.
Linda blinked several times and the swirling mass that was the cafeteria slowly righted itself. One could never be prepared for a confrontation with the Ice Queen herself.
Linda decided that this could actually be rather fun, and it would be a great way to get back at Lyle for all those leering looks he’d been sending her way. They gave her the chills up and down her spine every single time.
She began the trek back to Mr. Lyle’s office, reading along the way.
Lyle--
I know you do many of these already (especially the last one), but I figured even you could use a few tips.
33 Ways to Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with: "That's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words: ". . .in accordance with prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Staple all your papers in the middle of your paper.
Linda had to keep from doubling-over in laughter. She had seen Lyle do a various number of the above things, and, as was noted above the list, especially the last one. She couldn’t even begin to count how many times she’d had to dig out the staples from the middle and re-staple the entire lot.
She paused outside her superior’s door and fumbled with the tack she had grabbed off her desk. After finally situating it correctly, she stuck the piece of paper on the wall and spun around, letting out a small gasp at the sight before her.
At least a dozen people had already congregated around the area, and they were obviously straining to see past her to the sheet of paper. Linda quickly moved out of the way and returned to the cafeteria. She could hear the muffled giggles of the group as she continued down the hall, encountering several people that were heading for the area.
As more and more people began to gather, the door slammed open once again, and there stood Mr. Lyle. This time, though, instead of saying anything, he simply grabbed the nearest person by the elbow and the piece of paper off the wall. He dragged the poor soul into his office and slammed the door shut, leaving the stunned crowd to scatter as they saw fit.
The crowd slowly broke apart, each person mumbling about how awful the poor soul must be doing in there with Mr. Lyle. . .
-----
the end.
feedback welcomed at spacedoutwriter@hotmail.com.
Part One
by: chopsticks
g
-----
Miss Parker ducked around the corner quietly, remaining completely unseen. She had been shadowing Mr. Lyle’s secretary, and now that the girl was off to lunch, it was Parker’s perfect chance.
"Linda," Miss Parker said coldly, startling the young woman.
"Oh, Miss Parker! I did not see you-"
"Cut the chitchat. I have a request for you," Miss Parker said, waving a dismissing hand.
"Yes, ma’am?" Linda inquired meekly. If there was one thing she had learned while being at The Centre, it was to never, ever talk back to Miss Parker.
"I know that your boss had Broots post the last list outside my door. I could smell the horrendous cologne he wears all over the paper. Now, I want you to post this." Miss Parker shoved a piece of paper in Linda’s hand and stalked off, leaving the younger woman vaguely disoriented.
Linda blinked several times and the swirling mass that was the cafeteria slowly righted itself. One could never be prepared for a confrontation with the Ice Queen herself.
Linda decided that this could actually be rather fun, and it would be a great way to get back at Lyle for all those leering looks he’d been sending her way. They gave her the chills up and down her spine every single time.
She began the trek back to Mr. Lyle’s office, reading along the way.
Lyle--
I know you do many of these already (especially the last one), but I figured even you could use a few tips.
33 Ways to Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with: "That's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words: ". . .in accordance with prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Staple all your papers in the middle of your paper.
Linda had to keep from doubling-over in laughter. She had seen Lyle do a various number of the above things, and, as was noted above the list, especially the last one. She couldn’t even begin to count how many times she’d had to dig out the staples from the middle and re-staple the entire lot.
She paused outside her superior’s door and fumbled with the tack she had grabbed off her desk. After finally situating it correctly, she stuck the piece of paper on the wall and spun around, letting out a small gasp at the sight before her.
At least a dozen people had already congregated around the area, and they were obviously straining to see past her to the sheet of paper. Linda quickly moved out of the way and returned to the cafeteria. She could hear the muffled giggles of the group as she continued down the hall, encountering several people that were heading for the area.
As more and more people began to gather, the door slammed open once again, and there stood Mr. Lyle. This time, though, instead of saying anything, he simply grabbed the nearest person by the elbow and the piece of paper off the wall. He dragged the poor soul into his office and slammed the door shut, leaving the stunned crowd to scatter as they saw fit.
The crowd slowly broke apart, each person mumbling about how awful the poor soul must be doing in there with Mr. Lyle. . .
the end.
feedback welcomed at spacedoutwriter@hotmail.com.
