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Don't look now
by Mareen
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My thanks go to Tatjana for beta-reading. :-)
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Being shot doesn't hurt as much as you may expect.
Well, okay, there's the shock. But pain...actually I don't feel any pain.One moment I look into my father`s face, next moment I am lying on the ground. And I'm even laughing inside.
I mean, did anyone of you ever had a "Death dream", one in which you die or at least nearly die? I had one of those once.
I dreamt I was on a street and there was this very big van and suddenly the van hit me and I just knew I was going to die. But instead of feeling pain or fear, I was amused. I was dying in this dream, but could hardly stop myself from laughing, because, you know, there I was, working for the Centre, being around people like Raines or Lyle and I was dying in a stupid accident.
Get the point?
Well, and being shot now, in reality, was more a thing I had expected myself to die from. Maybe since my mother died...was murdered...I had expected the same happening to me, too.
I'd tried to prevent it. I tried to be strong and fought everything inside of me that made me be the slightest bit like her....
But, well, did anyone of you ever try to cheat fate? You can try, but you'll never win. I know it.... Hell, I was probably shot by the same man who shot my mother. If you don't call that one "fate", I don't know what.
So, that's why I'm laughing inside.
But on the other hand, after all, I will die in an "respectable" manner. Respectable, if you work for the Centre, that is.If you work for the Centre and you die as an oldie in your sleep, though, you must have done something wrong, like, not taking your job serious enough and therefore not making as many enemies as you could have. Yeah, you could even be considered a loser then.
Well, seeing it that way, I was pretty successful here. Shot at that age...only my mother managed to go there before me. Daddy will be very proud of me.But somehow, this is quite unfair, you know. I came that close to the truth. That close to find and kill my mothers murderer at last. And maybe even Thomas' murderer. And then I get damn SHOT!
This is so unfair.
There are so many things I've wanted to do.Not just taking revenge, but things like living my LIFE at last, something I have never been able to do before, or things like being free at last, from all these ghosts.
It makes me sad, that I will never have the chance to live my dreams. It really makes me sad, lying here in the sand, bleeding and dying, feeling death coming nearer. I open my eyes then and look at "him", Death, and, you know, strangely, Death is looking good somehow. It's another way of being free. It's like giving up at last, letting go. "Follow your heart." What if my heart tells me *that* right now, to just let go?
"Follow your heart." Jarod told me that.
Strange, that I think about Jarod now, within the last few moments of my life. I wonder, what he's doing right now. Is he gone?
Escape Plan B.
Jarod always has an Ecape Plan B. So he's probably already gone, has left me here, bleeding, in the sand, dying.
Strange, that this is another thing, that makes me sad, that Jarod isn't here with me now, in my last moments. He could hold my hand, don't you think? He could tell me a story. Something to soothe me...or maybe to soothe himself, which would be totally okay, too, because I know, I mean that much to him so he would need the soothing.
Isn't it funny, that he's probably one of the few people who would mourn over my death? Jarod will, and Sydney and Broots.
Who else?
Daddy? I hope so.
But with the exception of these, there's no-one. A life lived. And only three or four people who will mourn over my death. Seeing it that way, maybe I wasn't as successful in living as I was in "dying the most respectable way". What a shame, isn't it?
Maybe, if I had more time...maybe I could make a change. But I can't. I'm going to die. I can see Death, looking at me, smiling.
I don't feel like laughing anymore. I don't want to die right now. It's too early. Just not my time to die. There is a time to live and a time to die and I'm suddenly not sure that my time to die has come already.
I can see Death and can do nothing to make it stop.
I'm lying in the sand, bleeding, and no-one's there to stop me from going with him, with Death.
Maybe Jarod could... He always does these kind of things. Making the impossible possible.
But all I can do is looking at Death and watch it coming.
And then there is Jarod's voice in my head, telling me something.
"Don't look at death", he says. "Don't look now."
And I want to believe him. This time, I desperately want to believe him. I always tried not to, but this time, it's different. I want to believe that he can stop Death coming nearer. And if he believes this is the right path, I think I'll try.
"Don't look now", he says again.
So I don't.
Don't look now
by Mareen
--------------------------------------
My thanks go to Tatjana for beta-reading. :-)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being shot doesn't hurt as much as you may expect.
Well, okay, there's the shock. But pain...actually I don't feel any pain.One moment I look into my father`s face, next moment I am lying on the ground. And I'm even laughing inside.
I mean, did anyone of you ever had a "Death dream", one in which you die or at least nearly die? I had one of those once.
I dreamt I was on a street and there was this very big van and suddenly the van hit me and I just knew I was going to die. But instead of feeling pain or fear, I was amused. I was dying in this dream, but could hardly stop myself from laughing, because, you know, there I was, working for the Centre, being around people like Raines or Lyle and I was dying in a stupid accident.
Get the point?
Well, and being shot now, in reality, was more a thing I had expected myself to die from. Maybe since my mother died...was murdered...I had expected the same happening to me, too.
I'd tried to prevent it. I tried to be strong and fought everything inside of me that made me be the slightest bit like her....
But, well, did anyone of you ever try to cheat fate? You can try, but you'll never win. I know it.... Hell, I was probably shot by the same man who shot my mother. If you don't call that one "fate", I don't know what.
So, that's why I'm laughing inside.
But on the other hand, after all, I will die in an "respectable" manner. Respectable, if you work for the Centre, that is.If you work for the Centre and you die as an oldie in your sleep, though, you must have done something wrong, like, not taking your job serious enough and therefore not making as many enemies as you could have. Yeah, you could even be considered a loser then.
Well, seeing it that way, I was pretty successful here. Shot at that age...only my mother managed to go there before me. Daddy will be very proud of me.But somehow, this is quite unfair, you know. I came that close to the truth. That close to find and kill my mothers murderer at last. And maybe even Thomas' murderer. And then I get damn SHOT!
This is so unfair.
There are so many things I've wanted to do.Not just taking revenge, but things like living my LIFE at last, something I have never been able to do before, or things like being free at last, from all these ghosts.
It makes me sad, that I will never have the chance to live my dreams. It really makes me sad, lying here in the sand, bleeding and dying, feeling death coming nearer. I open my eyes then and look at "him", Death, and, you know, strangely, Death is looking good somehow. It's another way of being free. It's like giving up at last, letting go. "Follow your heart." What if my heart tells me *that* right now, to just let go?
"Follow your heart." Jarod told me that.
Strange, that I think about Jarod now, within the last few moments of my life. I wonder, what he's doing right now. Is he gone?
Escape Plan B.
Jarod always has an Ecape Plan B. So he's probably already gone, has left me here, bleeding, in the sand, dying.
Strange, that this is another thing, that makes me sad, that Jarod isn't here with me now, in my last moments. He could hold my hand, don't you think? He could tell me a story. Something to soothe me...or maybe to soothe himself, which would be totally okay, too, because I know, I mean that much to him so he would need the soothing.
Isn't it funny, that he's probably one of the few people who would mourn over my death? Jarod will, and Sydney and Broots.
Who else?
Daddy? I hope so.
But with the exception of these, there's no-one. A life lived. And only three or four people who will mourn over my death. Seeing it that way, maybe I wasn't as successful in living as I was in "dying the most respectable way". What a shame, isn't it?
Maybe, if I had more time...maybe I could make a change. But I can't. I'm going to die. I can see Death, looking at me, smiling.
I don't feel like laughing anymore. I don't want to die right now. It's too early. Just not my time to die. There is a time to live and a time to die and I'm suddenly not sure that my time to die has come already.
I can see Death and can do nothing to make it stop.
I'm lying in the sand, bleeding, and no-one's there to stop me from going with him, with Death.
Maybe Jarod could... He always does these kind of things. Making the impossible possible.
But all I can do is looking at Death and watch it coming.
And then there is Jarod's voice in my head, telling me something.
"Don't look at death", he says. "Don't look now."
And I want to believe him. This time, I desperately want to believe him. I always tried not to, but this time, it's different. I want to believe that he can stop Death coming nearer. And if he believes this is the right path, I think I'll try.
"Don't look now", he says again.
So I don't.
