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disclaimer : NBC owns the characters, I own the words
note : based on a true mid-year exam paper from a Washington University


WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER
by Schuyler


An eighteen year old Jarod sat at a lone desk in the SIM lab, pen in hand, waiting for Sydney to give him the signal.


‘You may begin.’


Jarod turned his exam paper over and began to write, his confidence brimming as he answered the first twenty questions with ease, and all in the space of under fifteen minutes.


This was simple. Sydney should have known better than to surprise him with a Chemistry test. After all, it was one of his favorite subjects; he was well prepared for anything that his mentor could throw at him. If he were a normal teenager, taking this test in a normal high school, he would have been given the traditional two hours to complete the exam. But he was a child genius, and this was the Centre, so Jarod gave himself at least a half hour, forty-five minutes tops.


Sydney paced the floor behind him, holding a stopwatch, occasionally glancing at his charge. Jarod had been slacking off lately, and, in order to keep a brilliant mind from becoming idle, he decided to have the Pretender sit a formal examination, something different from the dull routine of doing SIMs.


As Jarod approached the last question, he suddenly stopped, a flustered look spreading over his features, causing Sydney to glare at him suspiciously. He lowered his head again and scribbled down his answer, hoping that it would be sufficient.


‘Done.’


Pausing the stopwatch, the psychiatrist took the papers off the young man and allowed him to stand up, escorting him back to his room. When the door to Jarod’s residence was safely locked, Sydney retreated back to his office to go over the test results.


Just as he had predicted, they were all correct, the information relevant and thoroughly explained. He didn’t bother to read too closely, just skimmed over the words and pages. However, when he came upon the very last question, Sydney saw where Jarod had hesitated, and made a mental note. The question, in itself was absolutely ludicrous.
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.


Interested in what the Pretender had written down, he started to read:


First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. Therefore, we need to establish the rate of which Souls are moving into Hell and the pace that they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a Soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Thus, no Souls are leaving.


Interesting opening Sydney thought, turning the page over and continuing on with his review.


As for how many Souls are entering Hell, we then need to look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member or do not practice the beliefs of that particular faith, then you will go to Hell.


He nodded, acknowledging the truthfulness in Jarod’s words.


Since the number of these religions is fairly vast, and people tend to belong to only one, we can project that all people and all Souls go to Hell. And with birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of Souls in Hell to increase exponentially.


‘Huh?’ Sydney involuntarily uttered out loud. His brow furrowed, eyes going back to the previous paragraph, rereading the sentences. ‘Where are you coming up with these explanations?’


Now we have to observe the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, its volume has to expand as Souls are added. This gives us two possibilities.


The psychiatrist paused, refraining himself from reading more as he took an excruciatingly slow sip of his coffee, seeing how strong his will power could hold up against impatience and curiosity.


It wasn’t very long.


First option is, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than that of which Souls are entering, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Number two, however, is that if Hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of Souls, the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


Closing his gaping mouth, Sydney mentally congratulated Jarod on his ability to produce a somewhat reasonable, scientific answer to a seemingly absurd question. If it had been himself taking the test, who knew what kind of explanation that would have appeared on the pages. But of course, Jarod is a child prodigy, light years ahead of average human beings like me. He has an advantage he considered.


Yes, that was it. That was the reason why this Pretender knew so much more than he did. Because Jarod was smarter than him.


‘So, which is it?’ Sydney inquired, scanning the page to find where he had left off.


If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Parker a year ago, that ‘it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account that I still have not succeeded in that area, then number two cannot be true, conclusion being Hell is exothermic.


There was silence.


Absolute, utter complete silence, but only until the doctor burst out laughing, clutching the sides of his desk in an effort not to topple over out of his seat and onto the ground. It rattled with the violent shaking caused by Sydney’s body, his eyes squeezed tightly shut as loud melodious waves of sound escaped from his mouth. Several employees passing by the man’s office looked at each other in confusion, unsure whether the person inside whom was creating the boisterous racket was truly happy or just insane.


Happy? In the Centre? Surely not. They scurried off, back to their own departments before they were caught by the Chairman and his wheezing cohort.


It took Sydney a while to calm down, his roaring laughter reduced to a quiet chuckle, wiping the tears away from his eyes. If Mr Parker’s daughter ever found out she was used in such an example, he was sure Jarod would be found the next day, hacked into tiny pieces.


For his first exam, Jarod had done particularly well, and he needed no time to decide what mark to appoint to the paper.


It definitely deserved an A+



(c) copyrighted 10.25.99 , 15:20:49









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