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Some Dreams Fall Through


I watch him finishing up the last of some the never-ending clue he is going to leave behind for them. A time-honored tradition I have never quite understood and now know I probably never will. I mean it has always been my understanding that he was running from them with the intention of not getting caught, so needs less to say I have always thought it quite odd that the man leaves a trail trickling behind him with every intention of them following.

He brushes a lock of hair from his eyes and I can’t help but stare for a moment or two at those big brown pools I have been captivated by since our first meeting. Only they are different now, the sparkle I used to catch there is missing somehow. It has been strange since his return from Carthis; things have been different, in a way that I can’t put my finger on but know is there. He is distant and I tell myself for the millionth time that I am just over reacting.

I walk over and tug lovingly on his sleeve but he seems oblivious to my being next to him as he concentrates on the work in front of him. I sigh and move back over to the door murmuring something about waiting in the car. He doesn’t say anything and I am a little hurt by his aloofness, but again calk it up to the fact that we are yet again about to move to a new place.

I slump down in the front seat of the car and study the sky above me. It’s filled with a million stars and for a time I get lost in the vastness of it. Before I know what is happening, he slides in beside me and starts the car. I notice that he doesn’t even bother to look at me and that sick feeling in my stomach starts again. He looks tired. I close my eyes and think about better days; when we used to laugh and cuddle close while driving.

The sound of the car being shut off wakes me from dreaming. I open my eyes to see a neon sign with the words vacancy blinking under it. Yawning, I stretch and look around. I see Jarod inside at the desk and climb out of the car to investigate our new surroundings a bit more closely. Walking up behind him, I wrap my arms loosely around his waist, resting my head on his arm. The clerk smiles at me and I return the gesture as Jarod takes the key and leads me back out to the car.

My stomach growls and I ask if he wants to get a bite to eat. He simply shrugs his shoulders and unloads our bags from the trunk. I want to ask if there is anything wrong but I don’t really want to know the answer, so I opt for telling him I’ll bring him back a sandwich and head for the pub across the parking lot.

I walk into the smoke filled room and grab a menu off the bar. When the waitress comes over I order Jarod and myself some dinner then ask for a beer while I wait. She hands me the bottle and leaves me alone to ponder my life. The dance floor is filled with couples swaying back and forth, and I am jealous by the closeness most seem to share. My mind floats back to Jarod. I wonder where his mind has been in these past three weeks. It’s a question a part of me already knows the answer to and I focus on the dance floor so I don’t allow myself to know the answer.

Our food comes and I pay the bill flashing a smile at the guy behind the register; a little harmless flirting. He smiles back and asks if I am in town long. I am honest and reply with an " I don’t know." He asks where I am staying and I’m not sure why but I tell him. With that I leave feeling a bit guilty now.

Back at the hotel room, I hear the shower running as I enter. So I slip out of my clothes and into the bathroom. Jarod looks amazing and all I want is to be with him. It has been a long time since he has held me and I miss him. I wrap my fingers around his eyes. He grabs them away and spins to look at me. There it is that look in his eyes; the one that says I wish you were someone else. I’ve seen it before, too many times before.

He finishes his shower and steps out to dry off leaving me alone in the misty hot room. I wash up and get out slipping into a sexy black teddy I picked up a week or so ago. I waltz out into the room to find him gorging himself on a hamburger and fries. He doesn’t seem to notice me at all.

I sigh and sit down to join him. We make small talk: you know that polite conversation you make with people you hardly know. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach returns. He looks exhausted but doesn’t seem to want to sleep. He sits down at his lap top and begins the newest nightly ritual; looking for clues on his mother. I miss the old days.

An hour or so passes, I’m starting to get bored with the TV show I’m watching. I turn down the bed and climb in, the cold of the sheets against my skin chilling. I steal a glance over at him. He rubs his eyes and at last I convince him to give it up for the evening. He slips in beside me, as I flip through the radio stations. I have found that going to sleep to music soothes me. At last I find one and snuggle down beside him. He puts his arm around me but I can tell it is more out of habit than wanting to be close to me.

I reach up and kiss his cheek as the sweet solemn sounds of Bonnie Raitt fill the air.


Turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronize
don't patronize me


I can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something it won't
here in the dark
these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I feel the power
but you won't
no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
if you don't



I whisper I love you but he doesn’t say it back and a part of me knows he never will. He drifts off to sleep and I lay awake listening to the soft sound of his breathing beside me. Wondering if I could have done something different; if I could have changed how this was going to end. I snuggle down deeper into his arms cradling my head in his chest. I can feel his heart pounding beneath my ear and I know the nightmares that haunt his sleeping hours have returned. I hold him tighter whispering that I love him softly next to his bare skin. But my voice only seems to make him more restless so I grow quiet stealing a glance at the clock next to me; it’s three in the morning.


I close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me
morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me til then
to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something it won't
here in the dark
these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
and I can't make you love me
if you don't



I close my eyes praying that the love I feel for him will be enough to soothe him. Suddenly I feel him move. I open my eyes again to see him slipping from the bed. He doesn’t bother to look back at me, as he moves across the floor. He takes his cell phone from his coat and steps into the bathroom leaving the door cracked open slightly. I hear him say her name and with it his voice changes; becoming soft and tender the way one would speak to a lover. I lay there listening and watching as with only her voice she chases away his demons, something I have never been able to give him. As he turns, I see that sparkle I have been missing return to his eyes, only it is no longer me who puts it there. I start to wonder if it ever was me at all.

After what feels like forever, he comes back to bed. I keep my eyes closed pretending I have been asleep all along. This time he doesn’t even touch me, I understand now or maybe I always have. You can’t compete with the heart you’ll lose every time. I wrap my arms around his waist resting my head on his back and breathing in the scent of him. I know this will be the last time I hold him and for tonight I want to pretend he wants me to. The morning will bring truth but for now just these few hours I want him to be mine. If only in my mind, I want him to be mine. Tears run down my cheeks and I let them hoping the pain will wash away with them.


Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
something it won't
here in the dark
these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
and I can't make you love me
if you don't


There ain't no use in you trying
if you don't love me Baby!
ain't no use in you trying
if you don't
if you don't
if you don't
if you don't love me
there ain't nothing I can do



In his sleep, he whispers her name and I know for sure that it is over, but I hold him just a few more hours. It's easier to lie to yourself in the dark, but with the sun comes facing the truth and I know that I can't make him love me If he doesn't. I know that he loves her and maybe in someways it has always been her. When ever there was a choice to make he has always chose her.I was always second even when he promised I was frist, in his heart I was always second. Some dreams come true but some dreams fall through and as I lay next to him I understand our dreams fell though and now I must say goodbye.


The End.











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