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"I'm not a present for your friends to open" - Elton John, "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"


When she was five, Miss Parker was picked to play the part of the Angel in her classes' Christmas Play.

April Cavendish was picked to play Mary and lorded it over all the other girls, especially the three girls who were relegated to playing sheep and thus only had one line: 'baa.' Miss Parker didn't like April, and so during rehearsal one day she took great pleasure in telling her that the only reason she was Mary was because her mother was on the school board. Besides, Mary only got to wear a boring brown dress and a blue shawl whilst she got to wear a pretty white dress and paper mache wings, so why would she care if April got to be the mother of baby Jesus? April replied by kicking Miss Parker in the shins, and their rehearsal Nativity soon turned into a scene from the more violent sections of the Bible.

Twenty minutes later found the two girls sitting outside the Headmistress' office, waiting for their parents to arrive, solemn faced and no longer featuring in the class play. And that was the end, as such, of Miss Parker's acting career.

Not that she particularly wanted to be an actress, but sometimes she thought that having a script to follow would be easier. No more fumbling for things to say, for explanations or even bald-faced lies; just a set of pre-written scenarios to follow. A series of pantomimes, bound in book form and with chapters titled 'What to say in case of Curious Jarod' or 'What to say in case of Angry Father'.

Or even 'What to say in case of Inquisitive Girls You've only just Met and now have to Live With'.

Which, Miss Parker thinks as she looks at the two girls she's going to have to live with for the next four years of expensive all-girls senior college schooling, would really come in handy right about now.









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