All chances have passed. He's gone, and it's all my fault. I'm forever without him, and there's no one to blame but myself. Way to go, Parker.
Categories: Season 3 Characters:
Jarod, Miss Parker
Character Musing, DramaWarnings:
1. Gone but not forgotten by JavaJunkieAddict
2. If you love something, set it free by JavaJunkieAddict
3. It all comes down to love by JavaJunkieAddict
Scenes from an airport
Gone but not forgotten by JavaJunkieAddict
IMPORTANT: THIS FIC WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED UNDER MY OTHER PEN NAME ParkerAsDominatrix. THAT STORY HAS SINCE BEEN DELETED FROM THAT PEN NAME AND MOVED OVER HERE. I ALSO CHANGED THE PEN NAME AS I MAY CHANGE MY CURRENT PEN NAME TO THE PARKER DOMINATRIX ONE. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? BASICLY THERE WAS NO LONGER ANY POINT TO HAVING 2 PEN NAMES, SO INSTEAD OF DELETING AND MOVING 4 FICS OVER TO 1 PEN NAME I FELT IT EASIER TO MOVE THE 1 FIC. UNDERSTAND? I HOPE SO.
Disclaimer: I OWN THEM!!! THEY'RE ALL MINE!!!! MWA-HAHAHA! * slaps herself and clears throat * Okay, disregard all that. TNT owns the Pretender (lucky stiffs) and I'm simply borrowing them for as long as they'll have me. * smiles sweetly *
Please note that this is my first attempt at writing anything for any fandom. SO PLEASE BE GENTLE. Also this has not officially been to an editor/beta since I don't have one. A few friends looked over it but other than that. Oh and while I know non passengers can't go thru the airport gates with passengers anymore, but when I had the idea for the story they could. As for if there will be more to the story after this, I don't know. I have struggled and struggled with where to take this story. Who knew there were so many ways a story could go. If anyone has any thoughts about the angle please feel free to let me know.
He got the job offer in San Francisco almost a month ago. We had already been going back and forth about it for days by this time, and the fact that he asked me to go with him for some reason just angered me even more. I knew, and still know now, that all I had to do was ask him to stay here with me - and he would. No contest. Since even before San Francisco became an issue in our relationship, he's tried to show me that he wants nothing more than to be with me.
The more I started to think about it, the more I realized that this job was everything he could ever ask for. The job offered him a chance at so many opportunities. So many things he deserved. So many more opportunities that staying here could not give him.
I had to really work to even convince him that he should at least fly to San Francisco and check the job out. He finally agreed. Of course, it was probably more due to the fact that he knew I would never leave him alone if he didn't at least go and check it out. Ya know what they say though; a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I did a lot of thinking in the two days he was gone. While I missed him terribly, I knew I would get used to being without him. Being alone was definitely nothing new to me. I came to the conclusion that Jarod deserves more than the life that is being offered to him here. He deserves a fresh start, which by staying here, he definitely couldn't get.
After he got back, knowing that he would never lie to me, I asked him if the job was everything it seemed to be, and if he thought he would be happy in San Francisco and happy with the job. I told him he needed to accept the job, and he said he would only on one condition: if I would move with him to San Francisco. I put on my best ice queen facade and said no. We fought over this for days. Jarod even at one point said if turning the job down in California meant keeping me, then so be it.
When he told me that, I just wanted to scream that I loved him and that I wanted to go with him. But, for some reason, I couldn't. I have no idea why saying this is so hard. Why can't I just open up and admit that I can't survive without him near me? The past ten months since we have officially become a couple have been a combination of my inner doubts and self-hatred; my fear that he would one day leave by his own choosing. Pushing him away is easier to deal with than watching him walk away because he no longer wants me. And I know if I would just tell him this, even right now, he would cancel his flight and turn down the job in California. He would stay with me. Forever.
But I'm too afraid that I'll hurt him. Too afraid that he'll get pulled into the vortex of my crazy life and be drained of everything that is good in him. I don't want to be responsible for ruining his life. I just want him to be happy. And I really don't believe that he can be happy with me. I'll never be happier than I am when I'm with him, but a huge part of me is sure that his chance at happiness will be destroyed if he remains in my life.
And I can't let that happen.
So I'm letting him go.
I've never loved someone so much in my entire life, but I'm so goddamn self-deprecating that I can't allow myself to be loved in return. If I can't do that, how can I allow the one I love to be damaged by a life with me? I've hurt him enough already. Just pushing him away was painful enough for both of us. And I hate myself for hurting him as much as I already have, which is why it's a good thing he's leaving.
But, with him, things have always been different. I was with other men for comfort and security, nothing more. There was no emotional attachment. Jarod, however… I was emotionally attached to Jarod the moment I met him as a child, though I would never admit it. Well, more like I was never allowed to admit it. He's the only man that has ever truly understood me. He knows me better than I know myself. I've never felt so safe… so adored. There were plenty of moments in our relationship when I could imagine being with him forever. I could picture us on our wedding day, making vows of love and faithfulness. I've seen marriage vows broken before, but dreaming of marrying Jarod - I knew that those vows would never be broken. He would never hurt me. He loves me more than any person has ever loved me. No one will ever love me better than he could.
And I love him just the same. My heart literally aches when he's not around, and the past few days - the arguing, the bickering, the cruel words and insults… the stress - have been torture. I must be a masochist, because I brought it all upon myself. If I hadn't been so scared to take a leap of faith and give in to my feelings, none of this would have ever happened. I wouldn't be slowly walking through the halls of the airport, knowing that he's gone. Forever 3,000 miles away from me. Forever out of my life. And that's the last thing I want. Unfortunately I think I realized it too late.
I stop dead in my tracks, realizing what I've just done. I've just willingly let only man that I have ever truly loved walk away. And he's only leaving because I never asked him to stay. I never told him that I loved him. He's the best thing in my life, and I pushed him away because of self-doubt. Is my own inability to love myself really worth not being loved by him? I thought it was, but that was before he was actually gone. I had convinced myself that this was for the best, but now it's over and done with and I can hardly breathe.
Oh god, what have I done?
This can't be happening…
With a rush of adrenaline, I turn around and begin running back in the direction that I had just come from.
Please let it be delayed. Please don't let that plane be gone…
Right before I reach the gate where I left him not even an hour ago, I stop in front of an Arrival/Departure screen and search for his flight number.
Please say delayed, please say delayed. Please.
Ah, there it is… Flight 2396
No. Please no.
The words on the screen are clear as day, but I feel as though the world has stopped spinning.
Flight 2396: San Francisco - In Transit
Well, now I've really done it.
This is not happening. This can't be happening.
Why was I so stupid? Why couldn't I just be honest with him when I had the chance? It's over now. All chances have passed. He's gone, and it's all my fault. I'm forever without him, and there's no one to blame but myself. Way to go, Parker. It's the crowning moment of self-loathing and stupidity.
Slowly, I take a few steps back to the gate where I saw him leave from. I don't know how I ended up there. I guess I thought if I secretly watched him go, it would somehow bring me more closure. Eyes closed and my face in my hands, I let it out. The emotions overwhelm me and I can no longer pretend as if this is what I wanted. I can no longer act as if this is okay. Nothing is okay. Nothing is right. He's gone. I missed my chance.
If you love something, set it free by JavaJunkieAddict
A/N: Okay first off I don't currently have a beta so my apologies on spelling and grammatical errors. I dunno if there is a real hospital called San Francisco Memorial or not. I looked up all the hospitals in San Francisco and didn't find one. If there really is a San Francisco Memorial Hospital, then consider me now saying I don't own it, nor have I ever claimed to own it. Also any medical mumbo jumbo I may use in any part of this fic was taken from the TV show ER (GREAT SHOW) and no infringement is intended yada yada yada. As far as mileage and time flight wise. 10 hours is a pretty much a guess. I searched every airline and ticket site I could find and COULD not get any flights from Dover, DE to SF. Flights I did find were really iffy because they for some reason would have you taking a train from DE to PA to catch a flight. Anyway I looked up driving directions and it said Total Distance from DE to SF was: 2896.74 miles and Total Time (driving wise) 47 hours, 16 minutes. ((Takes a breath)) When I looked it up I was told that every 5 hours in a car= 1 hour on a plane (give or take a minute here or there). SO that means a 47 hour drive would mean a long ass 10 hour flight. So I made it that he is taking off from Philly with a stop over in between. That would make his flight a little over 7 ½ hours. My math totally sucks, so if I am somehow way off (its very possible. knowing how dense I can be) then I guess just deal with it. This is a fanfic, not a research paper. Jeebus all I go thru just to get 1 chapter of a fic written. I seriously need a life. Who knows maybe Jarod didn't even get on the plane.
DISCLAIMER: See chapter 1
If you love something, set it free.
I slink down in a chair and just sit there with my face in my hands. I sit there thinking. Thinking how I wished I had just told him how I felt. Suddenly and idea came to me, I could simply just take the next flight out to San Francisco, I mean after all I knew where he was going. San Francisco Memorial I said to myself. Unfortunately that's all I know. I remember Jarod trying to tell me about the job and me just pushing him away and tuning him out. I know what I can do. I'll just call the hospital and say I have an appointment with him. Half an hour later and I think I have been routed to every damn part of the hospital. God I hate these damn automated message things. Press one for press two for. The only thing I wanna press in the trigger of my 9 mm.
Ugh, I am getting no where with this I tell myself and shut my cell phone. I just want to backtrack to 3 weeks ago and do it over again. I should have told him. I should have asked him to stay. He would have. I know he wanted to. But without my asking him to do so, there was nothing left for him here. There was no reason for him not to go on to a better lifestyle and a better job in sunny San Francisco. I love him, though. I do. I've never loved someone so much, and yet I lost him. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually did refuse to stay, even if I had asked. I would deserve it, after what I've done and how much pain I've caused. Sighing heavily, I lift my head toward the window, staring out into the sky that now carries the only happiness I've ever known.
Suddenly my cell phone rings. I answer it. Jarod!? I say hoping and praying that it's him. Oh no sorry you must have the wrong number I tell the caller on the other end and hang up. God Parker you are so stupid I tell myself. Jarod isn't gonna call, I mean he is how every many thousand feel in the air right now. Suddenly my phone beeps and alerts me that I have a voice mail message. That's probably Debbie wondering where I am. I was supposed to take her out shopping today. Much to the dismay of poor Broots. I swear I think he's scared to death that she is gonna come back wearing leather head to toe, cussing, and chain smoking. I lightly laugh at the thought as I enter my password to check my voice mail. You have two new voice messages. First new message received today at 2:56 pm. Hi Miss. Parker it's Debbie, I was just wondering if you maybe forgot about taking me shopping. Dad is here pacing back and forth scared something has happened to you. Please call us back when you get this message kay? Bye. Click Next message received today at 3:16 pm. All of the sudden my mind goes blank and my heart skips a beat as I hear the voice on the other end of the phone.
Parker, it's me. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I just wanted to tell you that I have always and will always love you. I miss you Cleo, and for what it's worth I'm sorry. Bye.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I listened to the message. I touch the phone as if it were him and whisper I love you too. God Parker, you've really screwed this one up I think to myself. I wipe the tears away and listen to the message again Parker, it's me. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I just wanted to tell you that I have always and will always love you. I miss you Cleo, and for what it's worth I'm sorry. Bye.
I smile as I remember how Jarod called me Cleopatra Queen of Denial as a smart ass comment, and how it seem to of become my nickname that he affectionately called me. 3:16 I note the time and look at my watch 3:37 pm. I realize he must have called me when I was on the phone with the hospital trying to track him down. God Parker not only does he miss you; I say to myself he is apologizing when the only thing he ever did was love me unconditionally. I listen to the message again trying to hear what the noise in the background is. It sounds like one of those stupid airport messages that repeat over and over about having your luggage with you at all times. God I hate those messages. The more I think about it thought the more confused I become. I mean I know there is no way his plane has landed. Even if he had a layover somewhere, he's only been in the air forty-eight minutes.
Suddenly my cell rings again. That's probably Debbie or Broots calling me again wanting to know what's going on I think to myself. Hello I calmly say hoping my voice won't lead on that I've been crying. Why are you not home yet? The voice on the other end asks. Ja Ja Jarod I stammer. How did you know I'm not at home? I ask. I have my ways he says. That you do I say sort of half smiling that you do. Parker he says. But before he can say whatever it is he is going to say I interrupt him. God, Jarod, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you; I didn't mean to push you away. I say. This wins me silence on the other end of the phone which means wherever he is, he's probably got a sarcastic type look of the unbelieving nature on his face. I'm still greeted with silence on the other end of the line. Jarod please, say something I whine in a pleading voice.
What do you want me to say Parker? He asks. Anything. I answer. Yell at me; tell me you hate me, whatever. Just say something Please. I could never hate you Parker he responds in a low voice. We are both silent for what seems like an eternity. It's amazing how only a few seconds can feel like forever. Jarod I say breaking the silence. For what it's worth, I really am sorry. I honestly didn't mean to hurt you; I didn't mean to push you away. I'm greeted with silence yet again. "Okay, so maybe I did mean to push you away. I admit. But I didn't want to hurt you. And that's why I did it. I was and am scared that you'll be hurt if you were with me. I just kind felt I was holding you back from having a life Jarod. But that doesn't change the fact that… I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I know you're sorry, but saying you're sorry, well that doesn't change things Parker. It's a step in the right direction yes, and an even bigger step for you I know, but. And then there is silence. But it's not enough I say hoping to god I'm wrong.
Right now, no not really. Jarod answers. I sniff as tears start to roll down my cheeks again. I love you Parker he says. I always have and I always will. That is something that no matter how hard I have tried to fight it over the years, is something that is never going to change. But like you told me before I left, sometimes love just isn't enough. I didn't mean it I say matter of factly. Ah but you did Parker, you did. And on many levels you're right, love isn't enough. Once again there is silence. Parker he says. I sit there in the airport chair felling an overwhelming sense of numbness. Parker he says again this time more urgently. I open my mouth to speak but no words come out as I come to the realization that I have probably just completely lost the only man I have ever truly loved, and it's my own damn fault. Parker he says again more franticly. PLEASE, say something. Parker, are you there are you ok he asks franticly. Come on baby please say something you're scaring me. I'm sorry is all I manage to say. I'm, just so sorry Jarod.
Ever since Tommy had been killed, I swore I'd never fall in love again. I said. The problem was I've been in love with you all along Jarod. I've been too scared to admit until now, and now, is too late. Why is now too late? He asks. Because you've left me I respond. Okay first off he says sighing heavily into the phone. God Parker he says, we go round and round in circles chasing our tails but we never get anywhere. Is that you want? Do you want now to be too late? What do you want I ask him almost afraid of his answer. I honestly Parker I don't know. I mean, I want to be with you. But I just can't come back and resume sitting around waiting and hoping for you to open up enough and show me the real you. I'm sorry Parker but I can't do that. Does that mean that were over? That this time I've pushed you too far and you aren't coming back? I ask.
END CHAPTER 2. You know the drill. You give me feedback and I'll give you another chapter.
It all comes down to love by JavaJunkieAddict
A/N: I know this chapter is really really short compared to the other chapters, but I have had an evil case of writers block. ::Runs after writers block with Nerf Bat:: Ya know, they should really make pills for those. Writers block I mean. There are already pills for people like me. It's called Prozac. I promise I will try to make chapter 4 longer. You don't like how short that chapter is, you take it up with the muses. I am not sure at the moment how many chapters this story will be. I am hoping to wrap it up with 5 chapters. I may do a Prequel to fic and show how they got involved. May even Sequal to show what happens. I just don't know yet. I guess it really depends on what feedback I get about the idea. Any advice or help on where you would like to see the story go next would be helpful. As for any spelling or grammar errors, they're there deal with it. I'm sorry if I sound a bit nagging, but will you please not review on my spelling or grammar errors. I just got a beta and will be sending her the entire series to be betad.
I'm greeted with yet more silence. I hear him breathing and just as I am about to say his name, he talks.
Honestly, he says and then once again silence. I know in my heart this is difficult, but this silence thing is killing me.
Honestly what? I ask scared yet again to find out his answer. Honestly he starts out and then I hear him breath heavily again and then starts to speak. Honestly, I just I can't stay with you and watch you throw your life away anymore. He says. God knows I want to be with you, but I just can't do it Parker, I'm sorry. I care about you too much to sit by and watch you destroy yourself. I just can't do it Parker, he says again. I'm sorry. I can't go back to the way things were.
I feel tears run down my cheek, and mumble as I wipe my tears away that I understand. I start to hang up but before I get the chance I hear him say my name. Look Parker, lately, everything between us… I don't know what happened, but something's gotten in the way. I don't want us to fall right back into the pattern of fighting and insults that's been the definition of who we are the past few years. I know in my heart that I want to be with you, but I can't go back to the way things were. It just being that way it hurt me too much Parker. He said.
I never wanted to hurt you Jarod, really I didn't. I replied.
Then why did you? He asked.
I took a deep breath and
Scared of what? He asked
I dunno. I respond. Everything! You, Me, Everything!
So you're just gonna throw it all away? Everything we could have... because you're afraid of them? He asks.
Well ya know what? He says. I'm scared too.
I live everyday of my life afraid, he says. Afraid I am gonna wake up and all of this has just been a dream.
I'm afraid; he continues that all I will ever be to you is a lab rat. I am deathly afraid that you are going to wake up one morning, think you have made a major mistake by being with me and you are just going to leave.
Jarod, I say but am interrupted by his voice again.
But you know what scares me most of all Parker? He asks.
What? I ask trying to choke back tears.
Not being with you. He answers.
I am about to say something but am once again cut off by his voice before I get a chance.
This is starting to become a habit I think to myself.
Look Parker, I love you he says. But...
And once again there is that awkward silence. I think to myself
But what? I ask yet again a little afraid to here what he says.
But, if you pushed me away because you don't love me, I need to know. He says.
This time I am the one that goes silent. Unsure how exactly to respond to what he has just said.
Well Parker, is that it? He asks? Do you not love me? Is that why you pushed me away?
I am still silent.
Please Parker? He asks. I need to know if that is why you pushed me away.
What if it is? I ask.
Then, he says well then atleasest I will know, and I will stop beating myself up over losing something that I guess wasn't really mine to begin with.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.