All chances have passed. He's gone, and it's all my fault. I'm forever without him, and there's no one to blame but myself. Way to go, Parker.
Categories: Season 3 Characters:
Jarod, Miss Parker
Character Musing, DramaWarnings:
Gone but not forgotten by JavaJunkieAddict
Scenes from an airport
IMPORTANT: THIS FIC WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED UNDER MY OTHER PEN NAME ParkerAsDominatrix. THAT STORY HAS SINCE BEEN DELETED FROM THAT PEN NAME AND MOVED OVER HERE. I ALSO CHANGED THE PEN NAME AS I MAY CHANGE MY CURRENT PEN NAME TO THE PARKER DOMINATRIX ONE. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? BASICLY THERE WAS NO LONGER ANY POINT TO HAVING 2 PEN NAMES, SO INSTEAD OF DELETING AND MOVING 4 FICS OVER TO 1 PEN NAME I FELT IT EASIER TO MOVE THE 1 FIC. UNDERSTAND? I HOPE SO.
Disclaimer: I OWN THEM!!! THEY'RE ALL MINE!!!! MWA-HAHAHA! * slaps herself and clears throat * Okay, disregard all that. TNT owns the Pretender (lucky stiffs) and I'm simply borrowing them for as long as they'll have me. * smiles sweetly *
Please note that this is my first attempt at writing anything for any fandom. SO PLEASE BE GENTLE. Also this has not officially been to an editor/beta since I don't have one. A few friends looked over it but other than that. Oh and while I know non passengers can't go thru the airport gates with passengers anymore, but when I had the idea for the story they could. As for if there will be more to the story after this, I don't know. I have struggled and struggled with where to take this story. Who knew there were so many ways a story could go. If anyone has any thoughts about the angle please feel free to let me know.
He got the job offer in San Francisco almost a month ago. We had already been going back and forth about it for days by this time, and the fact that he asked me to go with him for some reason just angered me even more. I knew, and still know now, that all I had to do was ask him to stay here with me - and he would. No contest. Since even before San Francisco became an issue in our relationship, he's tried to show me that he wants nothing more than to be with me.
The more I started to think about it, the more I realized that this job was everything he could ever ask for. The job offered him a chance at so many opportunities. So many things he deserved. So many more opportunities that staying here could not give him.
I had to really work to even convince him that he should at least fly to San Francisco and check the job out. He finally agreed. Of course, it was probably more due to the fact that he knew I would never leave him alone if he didn't at least go and check it out. Ya know what they say though; a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I did a lot of thinking in the two days he was gone. While I missed him terribly, I knew I would get used to being without him. Being alone was definitely nothing new to me. I came to the conclusion that Jarod deserves more than the life that is being offered to him here. He deserves a fresh start, which by staying here, he definitely couldn't get.
After he got back, knowing that he would never lie to me, I asked him if the job was everything it seemed to be, and if he thought he would be happy in San Francisco and happy with the job. I told him he needed to accept the job, and he said he would only on one condition: if I would move with him to San Francisco. I put on my best ice queen facade and said no. We fought over this for days. Jarod even at one point said if turning the job down in California meant keeping me, then so be it.
When he told me that, I just wanted to scream that I loved him and that I wanted to go with him. But, for some reason, I couldn't. I have no idea why saying this is so hard. Why can't I just open up and admit that I can't survive without him near me? The past ten months since we have officially become a couple have been a combination of my inner doubts and self-hatred; my fear that he would one day leave by his own choosing. Pushing him away is easier to deal with than watching him walk away because he no longer wants me. And I know if I would just tell him this, even right now, he would cancel his flight and turn down the job in California. He would stay with me. Forever.
But I'm too afraid that I'll hurt him. Too afraid that he'll get pulled into the vortex of my crazy life and be drained of everything that is good in him. I don't want to be responsible for ruining his life. I just want him to be happy. And I really don't believe that he can be happy with me. I'll never be happier than I am when I'm with him, but a huge part of me is sure that his chance at happiness will be destroyed if he remains in my life.
And I can't let that happen.
So I'm letting him go.
I've never loved someone so much in my entire life, but I'm so goddamn self-deprecating that I can't allow myself to be loved in return. If I can't do that, how can I allow the one I love to be damaged by a life with me? I've hurt him enough already. Just pushing him away was painful enough for both of us. And I hate myself for hurting him as much as I already have, which is why it's a good thing he's leaving.
But, with him, things have always been different. I was with other men for comfort and security, nothing more. There was no emotional attachment. Jarod, however… I was emotionally attached to Jarod the moment I met him as a child, though I would never admit it. Well, more like I was never allowed to admit it. He's the only man that has ever truly understood me. He knows me better than I know myself. I've never felt so safe… so adored. There were plenty of moments in our relationship when I could imagine being with him forever. I could picture us on our wedding day, making vows of love and faithfulness. I've seen marriage vows broken before, but dreaming of marrying Jarod - I knew that those vows would never be broken. He would never hurt me. He loves me more than any person has ever loved me. No one will ever love me better than he could.
And I love him just the same. My heart literally aches when he's not around, and the past few days - the arguing, the bickering, the cruel words and insults… the stress - have been torture. I must be a masochist, because I brought it all upon myself. If I hadn't been so scared to take a leap of faith and give in to my feelings, none of this would have ever happened. I wouldn't be slowly walking through the halls of the airport, knowing that he's gone. Forever 3,000 miles away from me. Forever out of my life. And that's the last thing I want. Unfortunately I think I realized it too late.
I stop dead in my tracks, realizing what I've just done. I've just willingly let only man that I have ever truly loved walk away. And he's only leaving because I never asked him to stay. I never told him that I loved him. He's the best thing in my life, and I pushed him away because of self-doubt. Is my own inability to love myself really worth not being loved by him? I thought it was, but that was before he was actually gone. I had convinced myself that this was for the best, but now it's over and done with and I can hardly breathe.
Oh god, what have I done?
This can't be happening…
With a rush of adrenaline, I turn around and begin running back in the direction that I had just come from.
Please let it be delayed. Please don't let that plane be gone…
Right before I reach the gate where I left him not even an hour ago, I stop in front of an Arrival/Departure screen and search for his flight number.
Please say delayed, please say delayed. Please.
Ah, there it is… Flight 2396
No. Please no.
The words on the screen are clear as day, but I feel as though the world has stopped spinning.
Flight 2396: San Francisco - In Transit
Well, now I've really done it.
This is not happening. This can't be happening.
Why was I so stupid? Why couldn't I just be honest with him when I had the chance? It's over now. All chances have passed. He's gone, and it's all my fault. I'm forever without him, and there's no one to blame but myself. Way to go, Parker. It's the crowning moment of self-loathing and stupidity.
Slowly, I take a few steps back to the gate where I saw him leave from. I don't know how I ended up there. I guess I thought if I secretly watched him go, it would somehow bring me more closure. Eyes closed and my face in my hands, I let it out. The emotions overwhelm me and I can no longer pretend as if this is what I wanted. I can no longer act as if this is okay. Nothing is okay. Nothing is right. He's gone. I missed my chance.
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