A Pretender's Thoughts by SireesAnwar
Summary: Jarod's thoughts as he's running from Miss Parker and The Centre. The funny things that run through your mind when you're trying to escape the clutches of an evil corporation hell bent on capturing you so you can perform experiments to further their agenda. Now if that ran through your head it might not be funny but disturbing.
Categories: Plot? What Plot? Characters: Jarod
Genres: Comedy
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes Word count: 3301 Read: 5320 Published: 18/04/05 Updated: 21/09/05

1. Toys and Food by SireesAnwar

2. The Mall by SireesAnwar

Toys and Food by SireesAnwar

I consider this story finished but I may add more "journal" entries by Jarod and other characters. Haven't decided yet.

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Toys & Food



The funny things that run through your mind when you're trying to escape the clutches of an evil corporation hell bent on capturing you so you can perform experiments to further their agenda. Now if that ran through your head it might not be funny but disturbing. Of course, in my case it is also true. Sad isn't it?

I'm currently running from a place called The Centre and I can't seem to think of anything critical to escaping. (Just in case you don't know my story, they stole me from my parents when I was three and-told me they were dead.) Anyways... Sometimes I wonder if my genius is what it used to be, not that it would really matter. I find it strange - that my thoughts are consumed by the toys currently shifting around in my pack as I run. Yes, you read it right. My mind is consumed by the strangeness of such things.

Take Pez Dispensers. They come with these tiny packs of sugar candy which you open, fidget with each candy trying to put them into the dispenser only to turn around and take them right out so you can eat them, which takes about a minute. What were the makers thinking? Now don't get me wrong. If you knew me, you'd know how much I enjoy those dispensers and the tasty sugar squares that come with them, but had I made them they would have candy in them when you purchased them.

Moving on. What else do I have in there? Oh, yes the Rubix Cube. A fascinating toy. You twist it and turn it to mix it up and then rearrange it to get it back to looking like it did when you purchased it. Someone I met once told me they never figured it out, so they threw it out, bought a new one, and let everyone believe they had. Deceiving, truly deplorable. Another person told me they removed the stickers and just put them the way they should go. Do these people find this funny? You know the Rubix Cube comes with instructions, a virtual cheat sheet if you will. I understand the difficultly but come on. I know you can do it on your own. You should know it doesn't take a genius to figure this toy out- but it helps.

Next toy. Mr. Potato Head. Have you any clue why I love this toy so much? Well here's a thought. When I look at this toy I'm absolutely baffled. I mean think about it. Who looked at a potato one day and thought -If you put a hat and a face on it, it will make a delightful toy?- Actually, I know who did that but the point is a potato? Of course, I find the little guy irresistible. He has a wife you know.

Aw the Slinky, one of the more fascinating to watch and the most annoying to untangle. Speaking of which I hope it isn't getting tangled in this bag of mine. The slinky's most interesting ability is its slinking ability which by the way is the same ability Lyle uses around the Centre. I saw this movie with a guy named Jim Carey playing a detective who helped locate pets; he showed us one of the more fun things to do with a slinky, though I still think he should have started over. I wanted to see the slinky reach the bottom of the stairs. Someone told me I misunderstood the movie.

The Rabbits Foot was disturbing at first glance but once it was explained- I still found it puzzling that people believed a severed rabbit's foot is a good luck charm. Now that's not to say I don't carry one. I need the luck when running from the Centre. Whenever I see a rabbit's foot I instantly picture a slew of rabbit's limping around without feet though I truly believe that isn't the case, though the thought still comes to mind.

View Masters are extraordinary toys that are under appreciated. The slides aren't too hard to make though apparently Miss Parker didn't appreciate that I sent her one. Sometimes it is hard to buy a gift for the woman who hates everything. I enjoy it. Did you know they have projectors now? You can put those little slides into a projector and see the pictures on the wall. I think their a bit big for my bag but I'm considering getting one.

The Magic 8-Ball is more than likely my favorite. Someone told me I'd like something called an etch-a-sketch. I'm looking into it, but I love the little globe that gives me advice on how to proceed with a pretend. Of course, sometimes it isn't ready to answer your question and it asks you to ask again later. It has never specified the amount of time, but I usually give it a few hours before asking again.

Oh, by the way, Miss Parker's outlook is not so good. She missed me again. I'm currently on a train relaxing as I speed towards my next pretend. I have no doubt she will catch up to me yet again, I left sufficient clues. Of course, that doesn't always help them find me and sometimes I wish I hadn't left those clues, but how else would Miss Parker find out the many- many secrets of the Centre?

Since I'm on the train and seriously considering the grumbling in my stomach; why not shift the subject of my thoughts to food.

Oreo Cookies. What can I say about Oreo Cookies? There are always repeated by never duplicated? Oreos are an essential part of the cookie world. Of course, I was amazed to learn there are quite a few rules you should follow while consuming said cookies. My personal favorite is twisting them opened and eating out the delicious cream. I still don't understand why they don't sell the cream seperately.

Ice Cream has far less rules and many more flavors. There are stores dedicated to the ice cold treat. Baskin Robins is probably the most widely known. They have 31 flavors which I have tried. Some of them are absolutely delicious while others- less so. I like TCBY which has more than just ice cream and frozen yogurt. You can get smoothies and milk shakes. Truly a wonderful place. There's the Dairy Queen and Rite Aid's have that Thrifty ice cream, but my favorite place to go is Cold Stone. Have you been there? If not you're missing out. You get to pick your ice cream and things you want in it and then they mix it up on a cold stone right before your eyes. I'm particularly fond of bananas in my ice cream.

Man, now I'm really hungry. Let me see if I have any thing in my bag. Twinkies! Yes. I love these things. Word to the wise- do not buy Twinkies off the truck no matter how badly you want them. Their far less expensive in the stores and at markets you can even buy boxes of them. Anyways, I marvel at the genius of this little pastry. I mean the cake is wonderful and then someone thought let's put cream in the middle. Genius! I like to tear the Twinkie in half and lick the cream out but I usually do that when I'm not in public. People tend to stare.

I just noticed I also have Pop Tarts in my bag. Broots and I both enjoy these tasty treats. They have 11 essential vitamins and minerals. They recently put out the flavor smores, which baffled me because I didn't understand why they would call the flavor more, which they misspelled. The woman at the store looked at me like I was nuts and explained that smores are chocolate and marshmallow melted inside of two graham crackers. I bought the Pop Tarts and marshmallows, graham crackers, and a chocolate bar. The "smores" were very good but the Pop Tarts are easier to carry on the run.

Train rides over. I'm still very hungry and luckily for my there is a corn dog stand. I love corn dogs. Hot dogs wrapped in a corn bun. It was a fascinating idea. I've seen a lot of people grab mustard and drench their corn dogs. I prefer ketchup myself, but corn dogs should always be eaten the way the consumer chooses. "I'll take a corn dog. No mustard."

Hmm. He is also serving lemonade. Zoe introduced me to this delightful drink. One should know that making lemonade is an art form. You should always mix the squeezed lemon juice with water and sugar. I forgot the sugar step once. Didn't go over well. "I'll have lemonade."


Such a nice man. He makes good corn dogs and lemonade too. What was I saying- oh, I'm hungry. Actually, I'm not anymore. I'm heading to my next pretend which- what is that. "Excuse me what is that?" He's telling me it's called a hacky sack. This hacky sack is small enough to fit into my bag. Do you know these things? He's telling me the rules. I'm in awe of the performer currently manipulating his body so as to prevent this hacky sack from hitting the ground. I want to try this so I'm going to stop thinking of and entry to my journal of thoughts- which I plan to write down later. Bye. Maybe I shouldn't say bye to a journal.

The Mall by SireesAnwar
The Mall


The mall. The first time I heard those words I actually said, “I’ve read about those. What are they like?”

The looks people give you when they think you’re strange. You know what looks I’m talking about. Their brow furrows, sometimes an eyebrow goes up and their eyes focus on you like you have two heads. Honestly these looks seem to be common place. Seems like I see it everyday… less and less of late. Of course, I chalk this up to being in the outside world for nine years.

The first year was the worst. I really knew nothing about the world. Granted I knew nearly everything you could learn from a textbook, but the real world is so much more complicated than you realize. For instance there is specific ways to eat a variety of foods. Oreos and Peanut Butter cups for example, of course, that wasn’t the subject of this entry. Maybe another time.

No the subject was the Mall. I hadn’t really gone in all my years out here on the run. But the other day I was driving by and decided to stop. I wasn’t really in a hurry. Miss Parker hadn’t caught up to me yet, so there I was circling the parking lot looking for a parking spot. Seriously. It is really hard to find parking at the mall.

So I finally parked and went in. It was weird. There was a directory right as I walked in but it was of little help. It really explains nothing but at the same time kept me interested in everything in the mall. Little did I know I would be somewhat disappointed.

Regis Hairstylists: I’m not so completely out of it that I don’t know who Regis is, but I couldn’t figure out why his hairstylist would have a store in the mall. Of course, once I got to the store, they assured me it had nothing to do with the talk show host. This was something of a disappointment because I was also hoping to meet Kelly. She is funny and I think the perfect match for Regis. Needless to say I didn’t stick around this store.

Gap: Is this some sort of sign warning of impending danger? As I discovered it is not, but still the name was strange though I found the clothing very intriguing. I love the look of things. Since I’ve been out in the world I’ve noticed the styles people wear. I can’t say I’m a big fan of everything in the store but it is very stylish. Though they don’t know it, yet, the Centre just bought me a large portion of a new wardrobe.

Foot Locker: This puzzled me as I read it off the directory. I would go so far as to say I was concerned about it, but as it turned out it was an ingenious name for a shoe store. I like shoes, but I got out of their quickly. The man took one look at me and told me my shoe size. How could a complete stranger know so much about me? They must be owned by the Centre.

Limited Too: Limited Too? This name had me wondering. Too as in also? So what else was limited? As I entered the store, and went back out to make sure I had the right store, I found my self wondering how anything in this shop is limited. I asked the store clerk but she didn’t seem to know or was just humoring me. Of course, as I left I turned back to look at her and there was that eyebrow raised above her normal brow line. I kept going.

Wet Seal: Now being a literal person I was actually expecting exactly what the name implies. I expected to see a space set aside for the lovable creatures. Instead I found clothing, handbags, and accessories. Not at all what I was expecting and definitely not where I wanted to be. Again, I left.

Auntie Annie’s Pretzels: Refreshing. At least I got what I expected, a pretzel. I love these things. Of course, according to the man behind the counter I couldn’t tell Auntie Annie that her pretzels were wonderful and that I enjoyed stopping by her shop. And then there was the look. Yep, again with the look. I decided it was best to move on.

Body Shop: When I saw this on the directory, along with Foot Locker, my Centre radar went up. I actually wondered if Lyle would visit such a shop but when I got there I was a bit surprised. Lotions, bath oils… all of these things reminded me of Miss Parker. I bought a few things. I hope she’ll like them.

Mrs. Field’s Cookies: Great, but again Mrs. Field’s wasn’t available for my comments. This time though the people behind the counter laughed. I’m sure I turned red. A very nice girl smiled at me and told me that this store was just one of many nation-wide and that Mrs. Fields isn’t actually at any of them. This made me think about Auntie Annie’s Pretzels. No wonder I got the look.

Sweet Factory: This seemed very logical to me. A factory of sweets. I entered, I saw, and I left an extremely happy man with bags of goodies to try. The clerk, Shelly, was very happy to help me go through the different types of candies. She picked out a few of her favorites and was beyond shocked that I didn’t know what some of the things were. M&M’s I’ve heard of but Every Flavor Beans are definitely new to me. There is also the Coca Cola gummy bottles. They aren’t as good as the real thing but very intriguing.

Vans: Of course, I expected the automobile but what seems to be a reoccurring theme in this place… again I was surprised. Vans are shoes! You might have known this and hopefully your eyebrows are staying at your normal brow line. The point is I didn’t expect shoes, but happily I inspected the different styles. I just don’t picture myself wearing those. I’m a leather guy.

Hot Dog on a Stick: When I read this I wondered why they didn’t just call it corn dog. I asked Erica, she works there, and she chuckled and said it didn’t sound as interesting. Then she said something that made me smile, “The name got you up here didn’t it?” Yes it did. And truth be told, the hot dog on a stick and the cheese on a stick are delicious. Loved the lemonade too. Very good. I suggest stopping by at least once.

Lids: I found it strange there would be a store dedicated to lids. Of course, at the same time I was happy because I’d lost the lids to a container I like to store my candy in. It kept the candy safe from ants and it stayed fresh… even candy can start tasting bad. Problem was, when I got there and the store was nothing but hats, I was dumbfounded. I really asked the clerk where the lids where and he laughed and said all over. I looked… didn’t find even one. This place disturbs me.

Things Remembered: This sounded intriguing because there are people in the world who can’t remember things and I thought this place helped those people. Not so, but on the upside they have pictures of memorable people. I thought I was memorable the man at the store didn’t think so. To each their own… opinion that is.

Icing: I like icing. It is after all the best part of the cake. Sometimes I make… usually buy icing and eat it all by itself. Sometimes I get chocolate icing and smother it over a graham cracker. Very tasty. When I saw the sign and what was in the store I wanted to scream. I was so looking forward to icing but instead I got jewelry. Not at all what I wanted. As you can guess, I didn’t stick around.

Hot Topic: This store seemed like it could help me with what was really the ‘hot topic’ amongst the people of the world. Have you been in this store? Very loud. But not bad really. I was intrigued by the shirt that said, “Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.” They are right, duct tape is silver but how would they know silence is golden? Then I suspected they meant it was preferred and chuckled to myself as another loud song started. I kept looking because it seemed like the stores I got my gothic cloths at when I was trying to help Frank Bracken find his daughter Jessica. Some of the people who work here have tons of piercing which still intrigue me but I can’t insert myself, easily, into any walk of life if I try out the piercing look.

Spencer’s Gifts: Last on my list to investigate is Spencer’s Gifts. Sounds like a store dedicated to selling gifts a man received but didn’t want. When I got there I realized I was right and went back to Hot Topic to ask what the shirt that said, “my other car is a warthog,” meant. How can a car be a warthog?

All in all, the mall was an interesting place. All those stores in one place. Very smart idea. I’m reminded of a project the Centre wanted me to work on. It had to do with the most efficient way of laying out a city. I suggested putting the necessities together. This isn’t what I meant.
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