Learning to Fly
Part 1

Jarod felt the tears begin to trickle down his cheeks as he stood and looked out of the window. He could hear the voices behind him, Michelle’s and that of her son, both of whom had been unsurprised by the news. Rebecca had already let them know. But it was the sound of their grief that was setting off his own. He fought against it for several long moments, trying to contain the pain that was gradually building up in his chest. He heard them get up to leave the room and turned to find that Parker was the only one there. For a long time they stared at each other before, finally, he held out his arms and she ran into them. Their tears mingled as they both expressed their shared pain.

“Jarod, can you hear me?”

He blinked several times and opened his eyes to look up into the dim light above him. A shape moved into the light, indecipherable in the faint glow and he squinted to try and make out the features. Gradually the light increased and he could see her shining brown eyes and long blond hair falling, as usual, over one shoulder.

“R…Rebecca?”

“Hi.” She gently stroked his cheek, sitting down beside him. “How are you feeling?”

”Um…” he looked around. “How should I be feeling?”

Her laughter was warm and she threw her head back in amusement, her hair glowing in the golden beams of fading sunlight that surrounded them. Looking down again, she placed one hand on his.

“Probably pretty good, really. No pain this time, like I promised.”

“Where…?” He looked around, finding himself lying on a bed in a room that seemed strangely familiar.

“You’re at home, Jarod. For the moment, anyway.”

“And what…happened?”

Her face became more serious. “You’ll remember. I’ll help you.”

“I don’t have to do it…myself?”

“Not any more.” She smiled again. “What do you remember?”

“Not a lot.”

“But you remember some things,” she said with certainty.

His eyes fell. “I remember you…”

“You remember me dying, yes. That was hard for you. I’m sorry. The two of us at once made it even harder.”

“Why?”

“Because it was time, Jarod. For me, it was because I had nothing left to do.”

“And…Sydney?”

“Because he had done enough.”

“But – why then?”

“Do you remember me saying that sometimes there is no reason?”

He nodded.

“Well, this was one of those times.”

He nodded, before his eyes travelled once more around the room before he pulled himself up into a sitting position. It was the same as he had last seen it, even to the extent of his jacket being over the back of the chair that sat in front of his desk where he had placed it before lying down on the bed.

“Where…?”

“Like I said, Jarod, you’re at home. This is your house, remember?”

“How do you…?”

“I always knew.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She laughed again. “You wanted me to come back into your life, dead, and tell you that you were about to die?”

“Well, maybe not.” His face slowly broke into a smile. “So, if you’re dead, does that mean I’m…?”

“I was wondering how long it would take you. Yes, Jarod.”

“But what are we still doing here? Isn’t there somewhere else?”

“Yes, there is.” She smiled in response. “And it’s wonderful. You’ll be so happy there. But first you have to remember.”

“Why?”

“So that you’ll understand when you get there.”

“And did you…was it hard for you?”

“Yes, I had difficulties. We sat in that room for a long time, trying to remember. It was even long enough for us to see you again.”

“Who’s ‘we’?”

She smiled again. “Jacob was there, waiting for us, just like I was here, waiting for you.”

He stood at the grave, the wooden cross now replaced by a headstone of marble that contained the engraved names. The money had come from the final downfall of the Centre and they had decided that it would be a fitting way to celebrate that event. Next to the double grave was a single one. The headstone was smaller and contained only the few facts that they had been able to find in the Centre’s records – a date of birth and a surname. All information about her past and the work she had done had been deleted years earlier. A third grave was only a short distance away. Looking over he could see her placing the roses gently on the new mound of earth. When it settled they would place the third stone there to remember the man who had died only months later, it seemed, of a broken heart.

“Angelo missed you a lot.”

“I know.” She smiled. “We were very grateful for what you did for him. He was, too, although he never got the chance to tell you.”

His eyes dimmed. “I…I always felt guilty…”

“Jarod.” Placing one hand under her chin, she forced him to look at her. “He was dying anyway. It was just that you were – if you want to put it like this – in the wrong place at the wrong time. That guilt doesn’t belong to you. The only person who should feel guilty about him is Raines. He was the only person who ever had any blame at all.”

His expression was pleading when he looked up again. “Promise?”

“He never blamed you. He was only every grateful for your friendship and the efforts you made to give him a new chance at life.”

“Even that failed.” Jarod allowed a tear to slip down his face.

“Only because he made the choice,” she admonished gently, wiping it away with a loving hand. “You can’t blame yourself for other people’s decisions.”

“And…is he happy?”

“Very happy now, and looking forward to seeing you again.”

“I will?”

“Yes, Jarod. After you remember, you will.”

He began to rise but she stopped him with a smile.

“You don’t have to hurry, Jarod. We have all the time we need. Infinity. That should be time enough, even for you.”

“Infinity…” he breathed.

“After a lifetime of struggle, yes. And that lifetime is short, compared to the time afterwards.” She reached forward, gently stroking the gray hair at his temples.

“You look exactly the same.”

She smiled. “You look the same to me, too, but I know that you looked older. We see people the way that we remember them best.”

“Remember…”

“Yes, Jarod.” She touched his hand. “What else do you remember?”

He watched her slowly walk through the doors, wearily pushing the luggage cart in front of her and turning away from him, heading for the taxis.

“Parker.”

She stopped and looked around, the sadness on her face vanishing as she saw him walking towards her.

“Jarod!”

He held out his arms, as he had several years earlier at Michelle’s house, and she walked into them, barely hiding her tears as she held him tightly.

“How did you know, Jarod?”

He smiled and gently placed his hand over her heart. “The same way I knew about everything else, Parker. The way she showed us.” He placed one hand on the trolley and left the other around her shoulders. “How are you?”

“It’s a long flight.”

“Your room’s ready for you.”

She looked up at him, smiling. “I was hoping you’d be here.”

“It’s been three years, Parker.” He bent down and kissed her softly. “How could I not be?”

“You never let it break.” There was a small smile on her face as she said this.

He looked down at her, her head at the same level as his shoulder. “How could we, Rebecca? It was the only thing you ever asked of us, after all you did to help us. We were determined not to.”

She smiled up at him. “He knew immediately that it had happened.”

“He was irate,” Jarod reminisced. “Especially when the Centre was destroyed. He wrote to her from prison…”

“And you intercepted the letter, to protect her.” Rebecca smiled. “I should tell you that she found it anyway, years later. But it couldn’t hurt her then. He couldn’t hurt her anymore.”

“Is he…there?”

“No, Jarod.” She shook her head.

“So there is a…hell?”

“Not exactly. The place where we’re going is where the people we want to see are. If you don’t want to see someone, you won’t. It’s that simple.”

He nodded, his thoughts drifting.

“It hurt you when she left.” Her voice was soft but drew his attention back. “But you knew she had to go. And that knowledge made her love you more than ever.”

“I know.” He smiled. “I know how she felt about me.”

“So you understood why she wouldn’t marry you.”

“Yes…” His voice was soft.

“Jarod, please. Don’t ask me.”

“Parker, I have to know.”

She sighed and got up, walking away from the table in their house. “I can’t marry you, Jarod.”

“Are you…there’s no-one else?”

“No. There’s only me.” She sighed and looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes and beginning to slide down her cheeks. “I couldn’t…”

He got up and walked over, placing one hand gently on her cheek. She looked up to meet his gaze and he nodded.

“I understand.”

“She knew that you did understand, although she never said so. It made it easier on her that you both remained friends and that it never caused enough stress to destroy that link.”

He nodded silently and turned his eyes down again.

“You weren’t surprised that she said no.”

“Not really.” He looked up at her. “I’d had three years to consider what she might say and my final feelings were that she would refuse.”

“And what would you have said if she’d asked you?”

His expression showed his surprise. “I never really thought about it.”

“I think you would have said the same.”

“Probably.”

“And for the same reason – you were just too close.” He nodded and she continued. “That connection would have meant that you stifled each other with what you knew. You needed the distance so that, despite what you knew of each other, you could have separate lives.”

“But we still shared a house…”

“For the times that either of you were there.” Rebecca laughed again. “I think it might be better described as time-share. When you were there, she wasn’t and vice versa.”

He smiled. “That sounds pretty accurate.” Stopping, he looked at her more closely. “You’ve changed.”

“I know. I had to. You can’t stay the same there. Not because the people change, although they do, but because all of the hardness and limitations are gone.” She smiled again. “You’ll see a difference in Sydney.”

Sydney.

Even eight years later, the pain was still there. He woke up one night, after dreaming that he was once more in that hotel room, and found himself again in agony. This time, however, it was his chest that seemed it was on fire and there was no nightmare accompanying it. This time it was real. He stretched out one hand for the phone that lay beside his bed, trying, at the same time, not to scream aloud as a shaft of pain shot through his chest and down his left arm. With his right hand reached out, fumbling desperately for the phone, and only succeeded in knocking the device off the table and under the bed, out of reach.

For a moment, arm still outstretched, he seemed to sway, until he overbalanced and fell, landing hard on the floor. The pain made him gasp, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get away from it. He heard a noise and, as he opened his eyes, he could see her there with two men who lifted him onto a stretcher.

“Catherine told her daughter that one day that connection would save her life or yours,” Rebecca told him quietly, placing her hand gently on his. “She was right.”

“I would…”

“You would have been dead by morning. That heart attack was life threatening. If she hadn’t found you…”

He nodded. “I could feel how bad it was – I knew immediately what it was – but it never occurred to me to yell for help. Somehow, I knew she would come.”

He could hear the regular, high-pitched beeping and he opened his eyes to a blinding whiteness that, several seconds later, resolved itself into curtains. He was sitting half-upright in bed facing the screen of curtains. The beeping was coming from away to his left but he could feel a slight pressure on his right hand and looked over to find her sitting and watching him.

“Hi, Jarod.” She reached up to lightly stroke his cheek. “Rebecca couldn’t come so she sent me instead.”

He tried to smile and then realized that he had a tube in his throat. Reaching up, he was about to pull it out when she stopped him.

“No, Jarod. Leave it. It’s helping you breathe.”

He raised an eyebrow at her and she laughed. “I know, I know. You can breathe on your own. But if you have to then your heart will overwork and…” Her voice broke and tears filled her eyes. She picked up his hand and gently kissed it. “I was so scared that you were going to leave me.”

“She didn’t sleep until you finally recovered consciousness that day. It was five days before the doctor could say to her that you would definitely live. She went through mental anguish every minute.”

“I don’t remember,” he murmured.

“I know.” She placed one hand gently on his. “I’m filling in the gaps for you. But what do you remember about that time? What else?”

“I remember,” he smiled, “how much I hated that damned tube. I was so happy when they finally took it out.”

He slowly reached up one hand and brushed away the tears. “I’m still here, Parker. It takes more than that to get rid of me.”

She tried to laugh but choked. Gently she put up a hand and placed it on his chest, on top of the place where the bandages covered his stitches. He put his hand on top of hers and raised it to his face, kissing each finger gently before putting it back down.

“You have to have another operation tomorrow.”

“I know.” He smiled. “But I’m not afraid and I don’t want you to be either.”

“I’m not afraid of the operation, just what might happen as a result of it.”

“I don’t know for sure what will happen in the future but I hope…”

“Like she did.”

He nodded. “Like she did. I hope that I will still be here for a long time yet.”

“I hope so too.” Her eyes filled again. “I don’t know how I’d live without you.”

Jarod slid a finger down his chest, where the scar was hidden by his shirt. “Is that…?”

“Yes, Jarod.” She smiled gently. “That’s why I’m here now. You overworked your poor heart again and it gave up on you.”

“And why…isn’t she here?”

Rebecca moved over to sit beside him again. “Your connection with each other is strong. It’s so strong now, after all this time of building it, that one of you can’t live without the other.”

Tears filled his eyes and, even as they also came into hers, she laughed.

“What are you crying for? Remember, you’re dead too. Would you want her to go on living without you, or you without her?” Slowly he shook his head.

“So…where is she?”

“At the place where she died, Jarod. And, ironically, it was the place where she was born, too. She went back to the Centre to oversee the last of its destruction, to see it razed to the ground.”

“And how…?”

“You don’t want to know that.”

“I do!” He grabbed her hand as she tried to get up. “You always wanted to hide that sort of thing from me, but I have to know!”

Rebecca paused, loosening herself easily from his grasp. Finally, however, she turned and looked at him.

“She thought that she heard a voice inside the building. She went inside to look, just as the explosion happened. It was very quick,” she added as she saw his eyes begin to fill with tears once more. “She didn’t feel any pain. She didn’t know anything until she saw her mother and sister there.”

“Faith?” He stared at her. “Faith went to her?”

“Yes, Jarod. We talked about it beforehand, about who would go where. Finally, we decided that this was the best.”

“So you knew…again.”

“I’ve always known, Jarod. Even on the day I died, I knew when you would die.”

“Your curse again.”

She nodded and came back to sit beside him. “When I wrote that letter, I thought about telling you, or leaving some hint of what I knew. But, when it came to it, I couldn’t. It would have been too hard. Besides, I learned during my lifetime that I couldn’t change what happened. I just had to let it occur.”

“Can I see her?”

“Soon, Jarod. I told you, we have lots of time. We still have to remember a few more things first.”

“Like what?”

“Like when you saved her life. Do you remember that, too?”

The heat coming from the car was intense but he could hear the screams as well, screams of pain. Setting his teeth, he reached an arm in through the open window and opened the door from the inside, yanking on the belt until it gave and then pulling her free, beating at the flames with his bare hands. When they were finally out, he bent over her, gasping for breath but still checking her, trying to find out if she was alive and ignoring the pain of the burns on his skin. As the others reached him, he finally felt the faint pulse under his fingertips and soft breath on his cheek as she exhaled. Then the hands, gentle but firm, were pulling him away so that the ambulance officers could take his place.

He stared down at his hands, turning them over and looking at all of the fine lines and scars that were there, reminders of that day. She reached over and covered his hands with hers.

“Don’t look at them anymore, Jarod. When we leave here, they’ll be gone.”

“Really?”

“You know I wouldn’t lie to you.”

He nodded. “And she…will her scars be gone too?”

“I told you, you’ll see her as you remember her best, and that was the way she was before the accident. But all of the scars that a person gains in a lifetime vanish when the lifetime is over.”

He looked up at her. “Mental scars too?”

“Yes, Jarod. Mental scars too.” She placed her hand softly on his cheek, looking up at him out of glowing eyes, full of promise. “No more nightmares, ever again.”

He looked up from the bandages that were being applied to his hands to see her rolled past him on a stretcher. If hands hadn’t held him in place, he would have jumped up and followed.

“Just a few more minutes. They’ll settle her into bed and then you can go in and see her, Jarod.”

When he finally could go, he froze outside the window and stared in at her body on the bed. A person appeared beside him, stethoscope around her neck.

“Jarod?”

He looked down in shock, instantly recognizing her.

“Pam?”

“It’s been three years since we worked together, Jarod. I’m impressed that you remember.”

“You knew me.”

“She’s asking for you.”

“You mean, she’s…?”

“Yes, Jarod.” The doctor reached out and touched his shoulder. “She’s awake and fully conscious, and with a few months of intense therapy, she should recover almost fully. You were quick, Jarod. If you hadn’t been, she might not have been so lucky.”

“That was the worst nightmare,” he spoke quietly. “I never thought that, after the Centre was destroyed, I could have nightmares that bad again but I dreamed for months afterwards about that accident.”

“I know. And it was hard. But you saved her, Jarod.”

“I couldn’t live without her.”

“Parker…”

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, tears slipping from the corners as her eyes traveled over his face. Gently he picked up her hand, mercifully unburned, and held it in his.

“You’re hurt.”

She spoke the words slowly but he could see the pain in her eyes at the thought that he had suffered.

“I would have been more hurt if you were worse, Parker.” He brushed the tear away, allowing the bandages on his fingers to absorb the moisture. “I would have been devastated if you had been worse. This,” he raised a hand and wiggled his fingers. “This is nothing.”

“And…was anybody…else…?”

“No, Parker. The car went into a tree. There was nobody else involved except you and your car.”

“And…you knew…”

“I just wasn’t too late, Parker.” He smiled. “And that’s the most important thing.”

“I never believed it when you said how bad it was, to be too late, until I nearly was.” He looked up at her.

“It’s the worst kind of guilt,” she said quietly. “Because you know that there’s nobody else that can take the blame.”

“And…did Jacob…?”

”He forgave me,” she responded. “But it took me a lot longer to forgive myself, in the same way that Sydney could never forgive himself. I think we both still have moments where we wonder…”

They sat silently for a little longer before she spoke again.

“You were a good nurse, Jarod. Her recovery would have been a lot slower if you hadn’t been there.”

“She said the same thing to me.”

Rebecca nodded. “But you still felt you had to leave.”

“Yes.”

“Why? Tell me.”

“It was like you said – we knew too much about each other. I could tell if she was in pain or uncomfortable. In the end, it began to get too much for us both.”

“Where will you go?”

“I don’t know, Parker.” He looked from her to the bag. “But I’ll find somewhere and settle down for a while, just like I used to.”

“Nobody’s chasing you now.”

“Please, Parker.” He took her hands in his. “You know why I’m going. It was the same reason that you went away for so long.”

She nodded slowly. “I’ll miss you.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a mobile phone, handing it to her.

“My number’s programmed into it. You can call whenever you want. Or email.”

“But you’ll come back…?”

“Of course I will, Parker.” He placed his hand on her cheek. “I couldn’t stay away. That’s why I’m leaving.”

“A confused statement,” Rebecca smiled, “but she knew what you meant.”

“I know she did.” He looked down at his hands again, one finger lightly tracing the small lines. “That conversation replayed itself over and over in my head, almost the whole time that I was away.”

“Seven years was a long time.”

“Coming back didn’t feel right until then.” He tried to justify it to her, as he had tried to justify it to himself.

“I know.” She paused. “And do you remember what happened when you did finally come back?”

He opened the door of the house quietly, placing his bag in the hallway and turned to close it. Looking over his shoulder, he saw her standing there. A few grey strands shone in her dark hair, illuminated by the light above her head but otherwise she looked no different.

“Jarod…”

She choked over the word and he walked slowly towards her. Several paces away, he stopped, unsure of what her reaction would be.

“Hello, Parker.”

She threw herself into his arms and he held her for a long time, neither speaking but each silently crying away the pain of the seven years. Finally she looked up.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

He blinked several times and then looked around the room, staring hard at each surface before looking at her.

“What…?”

“It’s fading away, Jarod. The world that you’ve lived in is contained within the place that we’re going to. As you remember more about your life, that world will fade and be replaced by our destination.”

“And how long…?”

She laughed again. “You always did have an obsession with time. But time is immaterial now. Our conversation is immeasurable. It could have taken a few seconds or a few centuries. Who knows?”

“But…what will it be like?”

“Why don’t you wait and see when we get there? I’m sure you can be patient until then.”

“You never were very patient, were you, Jarod?”

Her voice came from behind him, teasing him, and he turned to face her. She shrieked and he could feel her moving away.

“Don’t move! If you knock over the…my surprise, I’ll kill you!”

“A-ha!” He laughed. “You nearly told me!”

“I know I did.” He could hear her placing something on the table in front of him and it was only with difficulty that he restrained himself from tearing off the blindfold to see what it was. Impatiently he tapped his fingers on the wooden surface and heard her laugh in his ear.

“Patience is a virtue.”

“It’s not mine…or yours either,” he responded quickly, “so don’t you start trying to be hypocritical!”

She laughed again. “All right. Are you ready?”

“Ready?! If you don’t take it off soon, I’ll tear it off myself!”

He could feel her hands fumbling with the material at the back of his head and finally it slipped away. He looked at the object in front of him and then back up at her, frustration evident in his eyes.

“My computer.”

She laughed and leaned forward, touching the keyboard. He watched as the black screen dissolved and the faces appeared.

Tears sparkled in his eyes. “That was the best birthday present she could have given me.”

“I know.” Rebecca smiled before becoming more serious. “And it was just in time too.”

He grabbed her hand. “Tell me, how long was it? We only found out that they’d been killed more than a year later.”

“It was just a few weeks, Jarod. A few short weeks before Lyle found them.” She heard the breath hissing from between his teeth and he got up from the bed and walked over to the window.

“Why?” He turned to face her and she could see the tears on his cheeks but his face was calm. “Why on earth, after ten years, did he decide…?”

“He’d spent the whole time building up anger against you and your family. When he got the chance to escape, he saw it as the opportunity to act on his anger. So he found them and killed them.”

“And then what happened?”

She sighed but looked back up at him. “I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but I will because it will help you to know.”

Walking over to the window, she took his hands in hers and turned him to face her. “Lyle left the house immediately. He was coming to find Parker next and then, finally, you. He had a Polaroid in his hand – he’d taken photos of what he’d done so that he could prove to you that it had happened. But the flashes and muffled screams had alerted a neighbor. She called the police. They were waiting for him outside.”

She watched the tears run down his face, not attempting to comfort him until the whole story was told.

“When he saw them, he began to run. Not because he was afraid of them, but because he hope that, if he could avoid them, he could get to the two of you before they found him. He didn’t stop when they ordered him to…and he was shot at by a number of officers simultaneously. He died several hours later.”

“Was he in pain?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Jarod.” She wiped his cheeks with her hands. “I’m not telling you this so that you’ll be angry or full of hate. I’m telling you because you need to know what happened. You will lose the anger anyway, so let it go now.”

“I can’t, Rebecca.”

“Even though they’re happy now, and waiting for you?”

“Were they in pain?”

“No, Jarod. He killed them…humanely, if there is such a notion.”

“Then why…?”

”The screams were from fear, because they knew what he would do. But they died quickly and painlessly. I promise you.”

She held his face in her hands, wiping away the tears that continued to fall from his eyes. Slowly he sank to his knees on the floor and she lowered herself to be on the same level.

“Jarod, there’s still things to remember. We aren’t finished yet. And it’s easier from here on. That was the hardest, I promise.”

“I…can’t…”

“You have to. There’s no choice. Your life was so full, Jarod. You can’t expect it all to be good. There are bad parts as well.”

“Like the Centre.”

“But the pain of that faded. Do you remember?”

He sat on the sofa, staring up at the calendar on the wall. She had crossed off the days as she always did, marking the end of one period and the beginning of another. But something about this day was familiar. He just couldn’t place
it.

“What is it?”

He heard her come in and she sat beside him.

“I can’t remember.”

“What, Jarod? What can’t you remember?”

“The important event that happened today. Every other year…”

She looked up also and then back at him. “It was the Centre, Jarod. This is the thirtieth anniversary of the day that you first escaped from the Centre.”

“How did I forget that?” He turned to her, his face wearing an expression of shock. “How could I possibly have forgotten?”

“Because the rest of your life, after the Centre was gone, had so much of an impact that it drove your memory of that time away. It became more important than always trying to remember what they did to you. That was why, when you lost the DSAs, it didn’t seem to matter.”

“Lost them?”

“Actually, no.” She nodded to the place on the wall where there had once been a cupboard. “Miss Parker put them up there, just after you went away. She was trying to hide them from her sight, because they reminded her too much of you and that was painful for her. You never asked about them again. One day, you thought about them briefly but eventually decided that they had simply been lost.”

“And why did she remember…?”

“Because it meant so much to her. She felt guilty for so long about the role she played in that pursuit. It’s been her biggest regret in life. You, having no need for guilt about being there, forgot it sooner than she did.”

“But I never forgot…”

She smoothed his hair with one hand. “You never forgot what you did to people, I know. The simulations were something that you couldn’t forget. But the pain of them eased over time. As it did for her.”

“It did?”

“She has no regrets anymore, Jarod. She knows that you forgave her.”

“I did, a long time ago.”

“When we were in that hotel room.” She smiled. “When you told her that you always knew it wasn’t her fault, that was the start of both her healing and your own. We, Sydney and I, would only have been reminders of that pain. Perhaps that was why…”

“I never think about that time anymore, Parker. Do you?”

“Sometimes.” She stared at the calendar while he watched her. “Sometimes I still dream about it.”

“Good dreams or bad?”

“What good was there in that place?”

He moved over next to her and held her in his arms. “There was our friendship, Parker. Surely that was something good…”

He looked up to find that they were no longer alone. He saw the figure standing behind her and felt the figure that was behind him.

“What…?”

“That’s it, Jarod.” She reached up and used the hand of the person behind her to rise to her feet. “You’ve remembered everything that you need to. Welcome to your new home.” She leaned over and kissed him gently on one cheek before helping him up.

“Jacob,” she turned to the figure behind her. “Is she…?”

He nodded. “Almost. There’s just time, before she comes.”

Jarod turned as the man behind placed one hand on his shoulder. For a moment the two looked at each other, neither smiling nor sad, simply remembering. But, as they embraced, Rebecca had to smile.

“What?” Jacob noticed and looked down at her. “What is it?”

“That’s the first time that they’ve ever…”

“I know,” Jacob interrupted.

She smiled at him. “You always did know, somehow.”

“Almost as well as you.” He laughed and kissed her gently. “You did well.” With a mock-curtsey, she acknowledged his compliment and he laughed.

“He was right. You have changed.”

“I know.” She smiled. “So have you. We all have.”

Jarod turned back to Rebecca, tears standing out in his eyes. Before he could speak, however, she took his hand and led him to the door. Opening it, she stepped through and he followed her out into what looked like a long hallway, at the other end of which stood another door. Slowly they began to walk towards it.

“What…?”

She smiled. “Just wait, Jarod.”

“I never liked waiting.”

“No,” she laughed. “I noticed that.”

They had almost reached the middle when the door at the other end opened and two figures passed through together, a third behind them. For a moment the group paused and then, as Rebecca stood aside, the other two did the same.

“Go on, Jarod.”

“Who…?”

“It’s her, Jarod. It’s Parker.”

“What…?”

“Yes, Jarod.” She gave him a gentle push. “I mean it. Go on.” He looked at her once, looked back at the figure, still some distance away, and then began to run towards it.

~*~*~

Rebecca’s eyes took in the far distant mountains as she sat in a chair on her balcony with her legs folded up underneath her and her chin resting on one hand. When the door behind her opened, she didn’t look around, knowing the identity of her visitor.

“Hello, Miss Parker.”

“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you knew it was me. You always did know.” Parker sat down. “But I thought, to quote you, that your knowledge stopped at all things earthly.”

“It does.” Rebecca laughed. “If our positions were reversed, you would have known.”

“I hope so.” Miss Parker smiled. “I always envied you your knowledge.”

“And I always envied the fact that you managed to find a place for yourself in the world.” Rebecca smiled in return. “But we don’t need to be jealous anymore.”

Miss Parker looked away for a moment, before looking back again. “Why did you come to Jarod and not to me?”

“Because we felt that your memories of Faith and your mother were stronger than those of me. You hadn’t forgotten me, but you remembered the others more often. And besides,” Rebecca laughed. “I couldn’t be in two places at once.”

“But why not Sydney, or…?”

“Because he didn’t want to.”

“Why not?”

The blond woman sighed. “The hardest parts of Jarod's memories had to do more with Sydney than with me. It would have been too difficult, too emotional, if Sydney had had to face them again. He had a bad enough time when he was remembering for himself.”

“Was that difficult…for you too?”

“Yes.” Rebecca’s face became serious. “I don’t think it’s easy for anyone. We’ve all done things in our lives that are painful to remember.”

“But now…?”

“Now we need only remember the good parts, unless we want to do otherwise.” She sighed. “And that’s the best thing about being here, to my way of thinking.”

“I think that’s right,” a male voice broke in.

Miss Parker looked up to see the newcomer in the doorway, but was hesitant to pronounce a name, fearing to get it wrong.

“It’s me, Parker.” He came and sat down beside her. “You’ll have to work out a difference between the two of us.”

“I’m surprised you don’t, Miss Parker.” Rebecca smiled, amused. “I wouldn’t have expected you to remember Sydney when he was younger. Or not as well as you did later in life.”

“I’m still…making up my mind.”

“That’s all right, Parker. You still have time.”

“How much?”

“How much do you need?” Sydney laughed. “You can have forever. Is that long enough?”

Miss Parker laughed also, stopping when Rebecca joined in. “I never heard you laugh before.”

“You never heard me do a lot of things before. Four meetings aren’t enough to establish that kind of knowledge. Especially as none of them was particularly cheerful, for any of us.”

“It was hard on you?”

“I was dying, Miss Parker. I knew that from the start. How easy could it be?”

“I…never knew.”

“You couldn’t.” She came over and knelt in front of the other woman, taking both hands in hers. “And I wouldn’t expect you to. So don’t waste your feelings on guilt here. There are so many better things to feel.”

Learning To Fly

Part 2

“You’re lonely, Rebecca.”

The blond woman turned to find Jacob on the balcony and sat down beside him, leaning her head against his shoulder. “You know me well.”

He nodded. “Better than you know yourself.”

“Perhaps that’s true.”

“So what are you feeling now?”

She rolled her eyes and stood up. “Please, Jacob, don’t try out your psychiatrist stunt on me.”

He laughed. “It’s a habit.”

“A bad one.”

“Only because you don’t want to talk about it.” He paused and watched her for a moment in silence. “Thomas found Miss Parker earlier.”

“I thought he would. I hoped he would.”

“They were never in love, you know.”

“Miss Parker and Thomas?”

Jacob smiled and shook his head. “Miss Parker and Jarod. They only loved each other. There’s a difference. A big one.”

“No,” Rebecca shook her head. “I know where you’re leading me, Jacob, and I’m not coming with you. I don’t want to go down that path. It’s…not right.”

She stood up and walked to the edge of the balcony, resting her hands on the railing and leaning over the edge. Suddenly she looked back at him.

“Did you ever wonder what would happen if you did something here that would have gotten you killed before?”

He smiled. “Often.”

“And did you ever do it?”

“I’ve never been game.”

“You don’t die.”

“Well, there’s a surprise!”

She laughed and looked up as she heard an echo of her laughter from the doorway to see Jarod standing there. He raised an eyebrow, stepping out onto the slate tiles.

“So what happens?”

“Want to try?”

He stepped backwards and raised both hands in the air. “Uh, no thanks.”

“Oh, come on. It’s fun.”

“Does it hurt?”

“I told you, Jarod – no more pain.”

“You even promised.”

“I keep my promises.”

She held out one hand and stepped up onto the railing. As he stepped closer to her, though, she leaned backward just that little bit too far…

He ran to the edge as she disappeared from view, his eyes searching the ground for her. Seeing nothing, he turned to Jacob in panic, his instincts taking over, forgetful of where he was.

“All right, Rebecca.” There was a severe tone in the older man’s voice. “That wasn’t funny.”

“Don’t be angry with me, Jacob.” Her voice appeared from nowhere and yet everywhere, increasing Jarod's mystification. “Please.”

“Where is she?”

Jacob pointed downwards and hid a smile. “Hiding. And if she doesn’t get up here soon…”

“You’re no fun.” A hand appeared on the railing and she pulled herself up, to perch on absolutely nothing and grumble at him. Jarod stared at her.

“How did you…?”

She smiled. “When I was a child, I dreamed of flying. When I first got here, I tried it and found that it worked.”

“And you can…?” His own voice was eager.

“I once told you we weren’t that different.” Her smile faded and her face took on a slightly sad expression. “We even shared our dreams as children.”

“And will you show me…?”

“You didn’t want to.” She lowered herself to the ground and began to walk across the balcony away from him. “I take you at your word.”

“Rebecca…” the older man began warningly.

“No, Jacob.” She shook her head. “He said he didn’t want to.”

“They would be perfect together.”

Sydney laughed. “Jacob, you’re trying to match-make for a pair of children.”

“She would be able to give him everything that he needs.”

“And he would hate the fact that Rebecca knew his weaknesses. That will be Jarod's problem for the rest of his life.”

“Still,” Jacob turned back to the form he was filling out. “I personally believe they would be perfect together.

“Rebecca?”

She rolled over on the sofa and looked up at the man standing in the doorway. “Hello, Sydney.”

“I just talked to my brother…”

Rebecca picked up a cushion and put it over her head. “Go away, Sydney.”

He laughed. “That’s not quite the reception I expected.”

”You got a welcome.” She looked up at him. “If you talked to Jacob, you should have known what reception to expect. I know what you want, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why not?”

“First you and then him.” She groaned, throwing the cushion at him. “Can’t you both realize – I don’t want to discuss it. No whats, whys or wherefores.” She rolled off the sofa and got up, walking over to the doorway and stepping out onto the balcony.

“But I think you should.”

 

“I don’t care what you think.”

Sydney came out onto the balcony with her. “You used to.”

“No,” she corrected him. “I used to care what Jacob thought. You never really entered the picture, except in so far as he was part of it.”

The man watched her for a moment in silence, before speaking quietly. “He’s lonely too.”

“He can go talk to his family.”

“He has.”

“They’ve caught up already? I’m impressed.”

“Rebecca, please.”

“Sydney!” She turned on him, her eyes sparkling with an anger that she hadn’t remembered she could ever feel. “I was part of his life for less than two days.”

“And you made more impression on him than any other person he ever met.”

“He forgot me.”

“He wasn’t allowed to remember.”

“You made him forget.”

“Yes.” Sydney's admission was soft. “I did.”

“You made him forget because you couldn’t cope with what happened. And you couldn’t cope with me.”

“That’s true.”

“And now…” She choked and didn’t finish the sentence.

”You’ve been lonely ever since you got here, Rebecca.”

“I don’t even know what I’m doing here.” She looked around. “I had nobody who wanted to see me. Almost nobody even knows who I am. Or who I was.”

“We did,” Sydney volunteered.

“But you had your family…” She stopped, knowing she’d said too much.

“And you never had yours. That was what you regretted. And, ever since, you’ve been waiting for this, to find out if things would be different.”

“And things aren’t,” she snapped. “Things aren’t any different from the way they were before.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“Rebecca.”

The voice was a faint whisper but she heard it and buried her face in her pillow to escape from it.

“No,” she moaned. “Go away. I don’t want to remember you. I don’t want you to remember me.”

“Please, Rebecca. I miss you.”

“No.” She stuck her fingers in her ears and buried her head under her blanket, trying futilely to block out the sound that she could hear in her mind. “Go away, Jarod. You shouldn’t remember me anymore”

“Do you love me, Rebecca?”

“You shouldn’t remember me, Jarod. Not even in your dreams.”

“I miss you so much, Rebecca. Please come back.”

“I can’t, Jarod. We both know I can’t.” She hadn’t realized that she’d spoken the words aloud until she felt the blanket gently pulled away and looked up to see Jacob standing above her.

“That dream wasn’t so long ago.”

“No, Sydney. Please. I don’t want to think about this now.”

 

“He missed you badly, Rebecca. His link to Miss Parker wasn’t enough. He left to try and find somebody to replace you, but he never did. He searched the world for seven years and never found the right person.”

“He left because of their connection.” The words came through gritted teeth.

“But he stayed away because of you.”

“No!” The word was almost a cry.

“You saw him falling in love with her. You thought that she would love him back, but you hoped she wouldn’t and when she didn’t, you were happy.”

“Sydney, please.” The first tears began to slide down her cheeks. “Don’t make me remember this. It’s too hard.”

“You were happy,” he emphasized. “You were happy because you could keep hoping that she was still in love with Thomas. It was you, not her that watched over him when he had the heart attack. She slept and you stayed awake to watch because you couldn’t bear the thought of him being alone. She suffered but you suffered more. You changed history when you were talking to him today.”

“He doesn’t need me,” she mumbled.

“That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you.”

“Yes it does.” The words were forced out. “It means the same thing, or it always did to him. He only wanted what he needed. He never learned about excess.”

“You know that’s not true, Rebecca.”

“It might as well be.” She stood up. “I should never have waited for this.”

“Where are you going?”

“Somewhere. Anywhere. There has to be somewhere that I can – ” She stopped, again knowing that she had said too much.

“Somewhere you can forget him?” Sydney shook his head. “There isn’t anywhere you could go where you could forget him. Your whole life was focused around him. How can you be any different now?”

His brown eyes watched her, sparkling with expectation, but he remained silent for some minutes before finally speaking again.

“You’re even still jealous of her.”

“That’s not true,” she shot back.

“Yes it is, Rebecca,” he contradicted. “You’ve been jealous of her since the day they met. You were hurt by how quickly they forgot you, especially when they found each other.”

“If I’d been jealous of her, I would never have come to her after Catherine’s funeral,” she protested. “I would’ve stayed away.”

“No, you wouldn’t have.” Sydney shook his head. “Your sense of loyalty wouldn’t have allowed you to stay away.”

“It wasn’t loyalty.” She backed away from him into the corner of the balcony.

“Friendship, then.”

“No, not friendship either.”

“Guilt,” a new voice offered.

She looked up to see Jacob standing in the doorway and sank down to her knees on the tiles with a low cry. He came and knelt next to her, gently lifting her head, forcing her to look at him. “It was guilt, wasn’t it, Rebecca? You hoped that, by helping her, you would be able to make up for not saving me.”

She sobbed as she nodded. “Yes, Jacob. That was why I went back. I thought, if I put myself in as much danger as you were in, by going back to the Centre where I ran the risk of being seen by Mr Parker or Mr Raines, that it would make up for it.”

“But it didn’t.”

“No, Jacob.” Her tears ran over his hand and dropped onto the ground and he used the other hand to wipe them away. “It didn’t. Nothing ever did that.”

~*~*~

 

 “His whole focus of life, for the last thirty years, has been her, not me. And now, suddenly, you can believe that he would change that focus.” She was facing them both now, the anger having risen again. “I’ve got news for you. It’s a lot harder than that to change a focus. I should know.”

“No, Rebecca.” It was Sydney who corrected her. “His conscious focus has been on her, because she was in front of him. But his dreams never focused on her.”

“What are dreams? The subconscious going for a short vacation.”

“The only pleasant dreams he had were about you,” Sydney stated. “The others, the nightmares, contained her. For that reason only, he could never have formed the sort of attachment with her that he formed with you.”

“The only attachment he formed with me was that, when he was in pain, he would remember me,” she mocked. “That’s not exactly healthy.”

“But it was what he needed,” Jacob told her calmly.

“He needed it then. He doesn’t need it now. He doesn’t need me now. He’ll never have pain again. I promised him that.”

“You broke your promise,” Sydney informed her. “He’s in pain now.”

“No…” she protested.

“Yes, he is, Rebecca. He’s in pain because of what you said to him, about him, earlier.”

“He said he didn’t want…”

“He changed his mind.”

She looked up, her eyes wet. “All he has to do is stand on the edge and jump. It’s not all that hard.”

“But he’s scared,” Sydney responded.

“Then go and comfort him. That is your job, Sydney.”

“I can’t give him the comfort he needs now.”

“And I suppose you’re going to tell me that I can?” Her voice was almost a sneer and she turned away.

“Yes,” he spoke firmly. “That’s exactly what I’m going to tell you.”

“No,” she shook her head again. “I can’t…”

“Because you’re afraid of what he’ll say. You’re afraid that he’ll reject you.”

She backed away once more into the corner, struggling to remain silent.

 “You used to call it a curse but what you knew then would be a blessing to you now, Rebecca,” Jacob suggested. “You’d know the right things to do and say. But you don’t, and that’s why you won’t try.” 

“No…” The word was a whisper, full of pain and the tears she was fighting. “I don’t want to hear this. Please.” She looked up at them. “If you ever loved me, either of you, please stop now. I can’t take it. It hurts too much. Please!” She sank down again, her face buried in her hands.

“It’s because we love you that we’re telling you all this.”

“I can’t bear it – I don’t want to know!” She stuffed her fingers in her ears to try and block out the sounds. When she looked up, her eyes were red. “Please – go away. Leave me alone.”

The two of them looked at one another and then, at a nod from Jacob, Sydney rose and left the balcony. Jacob slowly got up out of his seat and walked over to her again, picking her up in his arms and carrying her into the room. There, as she sobbed, he laid her down on the sofa and gently began to stroke her hair.

“Rebecca…”

“No!”

“The guilt you felt about me – still feel about me – is what’s stopping you. You felt that, because of what happened, you didn’t deserve the chance to be happy ever again. That’s not true. It’s not right, either. We all deserve that chance. And we all have it. But you have to take advantage of what is offered to you.”

“The only people offering it to me are the two of you,” her voice was muffled in the cushion where she buried her head. “And you can’t offer me something that isn’t yours.”

“Not even if we know?”

“But you don’t know!”

“Yes, we do. I do.” He bent down and kissed her gently but she pulled backwards as though he had slapped her. “I only had to look at him today, when you went over the edge of the balcony, to know what you mean to him.”

She was sobbing convulsively now, the pain of her lifetime being poured out onto the cushion in which she was trying to hide from what he was telling her.

“All…I ever wanted…was…for him…to be…happy.”

“So you tried to make him fall in love with Miss Parker.”

“I didn’t…influence him…”

“But it didn’t work.” Jacob placed one hand on either shoulder and easily turned her over, pulling the cushion out of her grasp and resting her head on his lap. “It couldn’t work, because he was already in love. Even today, when he would have thanked you, when he had something important to say, you always brought the conversation back to her, keeping him focused on her.”

“She’s…important…to him.”

“So are you.”

“No…”

“Yes.” Jacob placed a hand on her cheek. “You’re just as important to him. He loves her, but he’s always been in love with you.”

She watched him as he lay there, tears pouring down his face, but lying still and not moving as he had before. She knew the pain that he was feeling but didn’t want to admit it, even to herself.

“It’s all right, Jarod.” Eventually, unable to bear it, she sat beside him and placed one hand on his cheek. “She’s safe.”

“You’re not.”

She froze, one hand still making contact with him, and then leaned forward.

“I’m happy, Jarod. Don’t dream about me anymore.”

“You’re not happy, Rebecca. You’re lonely. And I am too.”

“How did he know?” Her voice was a soft and pain-filled whisper.

“He knew because he was always in love with you, Rebecca. And that’s the strongest type of knowledge.”

“Why are you doing this to me, Jacob? Why are you torturing me like this? Don’t you love me anymore?” The tears filled her eyes once more. 

He held her in his arms, rocking her gently, trying to calm her. “Of course I still love you. I couldn’t help it. But this is important.”

“Why? To cause me the pain that I never suffered in life? I promised him today that he’d never feel pain and, if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t feel it.”

“He would search everywhere until he found you,” Jacob assured her lovingly.

“He’d never find me.”

“Yes he would. His determination – his love for you – would mean that he would find you. He has all infinity to look for you, remember.”

“I have all infinity to hide in.”

“And, while he searched, he would regret ever coming here. He would begin to regret the day that he ever saw you. And then he would hate you, even as he still loved you.”

“And that would be the best thing he could do.”

“Hating you?” Jacob’s face wore an expression of amazement. “No, Rebecca, it wouldn’t. It would poison him and that would ruin his chances at happiness.” He leaned forward. “Would you really want that?”

“Not…for him.”

“Would you want it for yourself?”

“It wouldn’t…make any difference.”

She sat and watched him, half-sitting up in the bed, his eyes closed and the many machines keeping him alive. Looking over, she could see Miss Parker sitting beside the bed, her eyes closed, her head on the mattress and her hand resting gently on his. A spasm of pain crossed her face and she walked over, placing one hand on his cheek.

“I’m sorry, Jarod. You have so much more to go through.”

“Take me with you.”

She could hear his voice in her mind and shook her head.

“No, Jarod. You have to stay here. You have much more to do.”

“Please, Rebecca, I want to go with you.”

“You couldn’t leave her here, alone.”

She watched as a tear eased out from under his eyelid and slowly slid down his cheek. Gently she brushed it away.

“Do you love me, Rebecca?”

Jarod lay on the bed in his room, hands linked behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. When the door opened, he looked over to it.

“Sydney…”

“Hello, Jarod.”

The younger man rolled over and stared out through the window. Sydney came and sat down next to him, one hand gently stroking the back of his head.

“Jarod, you’re not happy.”

“I am!” he protested.

“No,” Sydney smiled sadly, “you’re not. But you don’t have to be, if you don’t want to.”

“She said…”

“Just because she said it doesn’t mean that it’s true. You can suffer pain here too, as well as happiness.”

“I don’t know what I feel,” Jarod extemporized.

“You’re lonely.”

“She promised…” The words were a whisper.

“She tried. She didn’t want you to be in pain anymore. She hoped you wouldn’t be, but she didn’t know.”

“And is she…?”

“No, Jarod.” Sydney looked down at him. “She isn’t happy either.”

“Why?”

“She missed you.”

“I missed her, too,” Jarod murmured.

“I know.”

“Does she?”

“Yes, Jarod. She knows.”

“I used to dream about her.”

“You said to her that all your dreams were bad.”

“Only the ones where she wasn’t there.”

Sydney smiled. “Why didn’t you tell her that?”

“How could I? How do you tell someone…what you always thought of them and what they meant to you?”

“You make the effort, and you do it.”

“And what if they don’t…?”

“Don’t what, Jarod?”

“Don’t want to know?”

“You won’t know until you tell her.”

“But…I can’t!”

Sydney silently sighed, foreseeing a long struggle. “Why not?”

“Because…”

“Because of what you feel.”

Jarod rolled over and stared at him. “How do you know what I feel?”

“I always have.”

Jarod tried to smile, but couldn’t. After a long pause, Sydney spoke again.

“You feel guilty, Jarod. You feel guilty, and always have done, because you were happy while we were dying.”

“It wasn’t fair…” His voice was a soft whisper.

“Life wasn’t fair, Jarod. That’s why it was so difficult. And then you felt even more guilty because she told you not to and yet you couldn’t help yourself.”

“Why, Sydney?”

“Why what, Jarod?”

“Why couldn’t I have known?”

“She gave you a reason and I’m going to give you the same one – sometimes there isn’t a reason.”

“But…you were suffering…”

“No, Jarod.” Sydney smiled. “I didn’t suffer at all. Not then.”

“Later.”

“Yes, later. Like you, my life was hard to look back on. I had guilt too. But you couldn’t have done anything about that guilt, or that suffering.”

“And…her?”

“She suffered too, Jarod. But not the suffering you could do anything about either.”

“I could at least have said goodbye.”

“That’s always been your greatest regret. That you never had the chance to say goodbye.”

Jarod nodded, a tear sliding out of his eye and down his cheek. But when he spoke, it was about something else.

“Is…Parker happy?”

“Yes, Jarod,” Sydney smiled. “She’s very happy.”

The Pretender nodded slowly, before suddenly looking up. “Why does she get to be happy, and I don’t?”

“Because you won’t take the chance.”

His eyes filled. “I don’t want to get hurt again.”

“Again?” Sydney looked down in consternation. “What do you mean, ‘again’?”

“I used to…imagine that I could talk to her. When I used to…dream about her, she always said no.”

“Always?”

Unable to speak, Jarod simply nodded and rolled over, burying his face in his arms with a soft moan.

“And what did you ask her?”

Sydney waited for several moments but Jarod remained silent. Finally the older man placed one hand on his shoulder, rolling him over and looking down to see the tears that he had silently shed.

“You asked her if she loved you.”

Jarod remained speechless and Sydney continued.

“Not only that, but you even asked her to take you with her. But, in your heart, the only answer that you ever heard was no.” He leaned in closer. “But was that what she really said, or only what you only thought she’d say?”

“I…I don’t…know.”

“Yes you do, Jarod.” Sydney placed one hand on the younger man’s chest. “You know, in here, that you were only saying it because you believed that you would never see her again and you thought that, by saying that, it would protect you from any more hurt.”

When he opened his eyes, he was in the hotel room again. He got up off the bed and walked into the other room, watching her as she put the letter on the table and stroked it with a gentle finger before leaving it there.

“You’re leaving me, Rebecca.”

A single tear slid down her cheek. “Yes, Jarod.”

He watched as she walked past him to the window and looked out before walking over and lying on the bed.

“Do you love me, Rebecca?”

He watched as she blinked once before running over to the bed, sliding down on his knees beside it, clutching at her hand, his hand stroking the side of her face, looking down at her closed eyes as the color left her lips.

“Please, Rebecca, don’t leave me. I love you…” 

“What did you think when she fell off the balcony today?”

Jarod looked up, startled. “How did you know…?”

“I just do.”

“I thought…she was going to die.”

Sydney laughed. “Instinct. I thought the same.”

“What?” Jarod's eyes were wide. “What do you mean?”

“She did the same thing to me, soon after she found out about it. I thought she was going to die, too. Jacob found it entertaining.”

Jarod grabbed his hand. “Show me.”

“No, Jarod.” Sydney shook his head. “I’ve never done it. Let her show you.”

“She never will.”

“Have you asked?” Sydney prompted.

“I asked today.”

“Ask her again.”

“It won’t change anything.”

“How do you know?” Sydney placed one hand on the side of his head. “If you don’t ask, how can you possibly know?”

“I shouldn’t have asked her. I should have asked you.”

“I would have said no, Jarod.”

“Why?”

“Jarod, I was dying. I couldn’t marry you when I was dying.”

“Would you ever have married me?”

“You never asked.”

“Do you love me, Rebecca?”

Rebecca stood, looking around the room, before stepping out onto the balcony. The tears continued to pour down her cheeks but she had given up trying to wipe them away. More always followed.

“Show me.”

“Why, Jarod?” She rested both hands on the railing and stared out into the darkness. “You said…”

“I changed my mind, Rebecca. Can’t I do that?”

“Of course you can. You can do everything you ever wanted to here.”

 

“No.” She didn’t see the sad expression that crossed his face as he spoke. “I can’t do everything I want.”

There was a pause.

“You were going to leave,” he suggested.

“Yes, Jarod.” Her voice was soft. “I still am.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know.” And, she added silently, I wouldn’t tell you, even if I did know.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me, Rebecca?”

She turned, blinking away the tears, to stare at him, her voice a whisper. “How did you know?”

“I just did.” He took a step closer. “You’re going to leave me.”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

“I don’t belong here. I know that now.”

“But…”

“Please, Jarod.” She looked up at him. “Don’t make this harder than it is.”

“If it’s so hard, why do it?”

“Because I have to.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” he protested.

“That’s not true.” She nodded. “I know, finally, that this is something I have to do.”

He looked down at her. “Take me with you.”

She made a sound in her throat, a half-laugh, half-sob. “No, Jarod. Your family is here. I couldn’t take you away from them. Not now, when they’ve finally got you back with them.”

“And yours…?”

“I don’t have one. That’s why I don’t belong.”

“Jacob…Sydney…”

“Sydney has Michelle and Nicholas now, as well as Jacob, and Jacob has Sydney and the rest of his family. They don’t need me.”

“I need you.”

She stopped, her gaze faltering between him and the mountains. “You don’t, Jarod.” Her voice was soft, a painful whisper. “You have her.”

“She has Thomas.” His own voice was lower now and he walked over, standing only a short distance away, trying to see her face. “She doesn’t need me.”

She hid the sob that she could feel working its way to the surface and wished, as she had never wished before, that she knew what he was thinking, that she knew the right answer to give now.

He placed one hand on the balustrade, moving closer to her. She stepped a short distance away, still turned away from him, until the railing prevented her from moving any further.

“Rebecca.”

His voice was hesitant, soft. Slowly he reached out with one hand. For a moment he held it over her shoulder, finally allowing it to come to rest gently there. It was a long time before she moved, but gradually she raised her own hand and placed it on top of his. He let out a breath that he didn’t know he had been holding and slowly turned her so that she was facing him.

“Why are you crying?”

“I don’t…know.”

With his other hand, he reached up and brushed the tears softly away, smiling tenderly at her. “You always used to know.”

“I told you I’d changed.”

He laughed, placing his hand gently on the back of her head, and felt her hair running through his fingers. With that hand, he drew her closer to himself, releasing his hold on her shoulder to wrap both arms around her. For a moment he felt her tense.

“Are you sure?”

Her whisper was full of suppressed pain and he looked down at her.

“Yes, Rebecca.” His own whisper was full of love. “I’m very sure.”

She relaxed against him, her arms slipping around behind his back, and he could finally allow himself to trust that what he was doing was right. Pulling back slightly, he freed one arm and placed it under her chin, turning her head so that she looked up at him.

“Do you love me, Rebecca?”

She smiled up at him, blinking the last of the tears away. “Do you know how many times I’ve heard you ask that?”

“Will you finally answer it?”

“Yes, Jarod.” She reached up and touched his cheek. “I do love you. I always have, from the first day.”

He smiled and covered her hand with his, moving it slightly and kissing her fingers gently.

”And do you know how much I love you?”

“I did once.” She smiled up at him. “I don’t know anymore.”

 

“How can I show you?”

“By being you.” She leaned against him. “That’s all you have to do.”

For a moment, he just looked down at her as she nestled against him, before something occurred to him. “Why, Rebecca? Why did you try and make me fall in love with her?”

She looked up out of sad eyes. “Because I didn’t want you to love me, Jarod. I knew what was going to happen and I didn’t want to cause you any more pain.”

“You promised me,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry, Jarod. I didn’t want to be the one to cause it.”

“Is that why you were leaving?”

She nodded, momentarily speechless.

“You would just have – vanished? Not been there in the morning?”

“Yes, Jarod.”

“I would have looked for you.”

“You would never have found me.”

“I would.” He nodded definitively. “I would have looked for you, found you and brought you back with me. Back home.”

~*~*~

 

“Show me.”

She pulled away a little and looked up at him. “Are you sure?”

“Don’t I sound sure?”

“We-ell…”

He watched as she smiled and then reached down, picked her up in his arms and carried her to the edge.

“Can you do it if I throw you,” he laughed, “or only if you choose to?”

“I don’t know, Jarod.” She slipped an arm around his neck. “You’ve never thrown me before.”

“I’ve never done a lot of things before.”

“Including flown,” she replied smartly.

“I have!”

“With a 747, yes. That’s cheating.”

“Even if I’m the pilot?”

She laughed. “Especially if you’re ‘pretending’ to be the pilot.” Leaning forward, she put one hand on his chin. “That was always cheating.” Gently she brushed his lips with hers. His eyes widened for a second, before he leaned closer to her, looking deeply into her eyes as she drew away slightly.

“Do that again,” he ordered softly.

She smiled and leaned forward, feeling his hand move to the back of her head, preventing her from pulling away.

It was some time before they broke apart. As they did, she brought her second arm up from where it had been resting on his chest so that the two were linked loosely around his neck and smiled.

“Look down.”

He glanced towards what had been the balcony and found himself floating about twenty feet above it. She felt him tense slightly and placed one hand on the side of his head, stroking gently.

“Relax, Jarod. You’re perfectly safe.”

“I don’t feel safe.”

“That old instinct about life is obviously still hanging around. Don’t worry. We’ll get rid of it.”

He looked at her. “Who’s doing it? You or me?”

“Both.” She stepped out of his arms. “If I let go of you now, you’d still be able to stay up here. All you have to do is think about it.”

“Do it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Not really, but do it anyway.”

Laughing, she slowly released her grasp on him and stepped away. His eyes immediately slipped shut and she smiled, touching one of his hands with hers.

“The benefits disappear if you don’t watch. You’ve flown inside your mind often enough to know what that felt like. But I know you’ve never seen it. Especially somewhere this beautiful.”

He slowly opened his eyes to find himself looking down on a city that was spread below him, lights twinkling. His eyes widened as he took in the scene that stretched in every direction as far as he could see. Looking up, her could see that the stars and moon illuminated the sky around them and that she sat opposite, resting on a cloud, watching him.

“I told you…”

“You always told me the truth.”

She nodded before reaching forward and pulling him closer to her. He wrapped both arms around her, happy at finally being able to do so. She nestled closer to him, her small frame protected by his larger one. Reaching up, she brought her mouth near his ear. “And I always will. I promise.”