Parody of the epsidoes. I thought it was on the line between PG and PG-13, but just to be safe.... As much as I enjoy the Pretender, I'm not a die-hard fan, nor am I a writer, but when I thought of this I had to write it down.
Categories: Spoofs / Parodies Characters:
Broots, Jarod, Miss Parker, Original Character, Sydney
Dirty Closets by csievers
Disclaimer: The characters Miss Parker, Sydney, Jarod, Broots etc. and the fictional Centre, are all property of MTM, TNT and NBC Productions and used without permission. I'm not making any money out of this and no infringement is intended.
Characters: garbage man Phil
garbage man Ed
garbage man Ken
sanitation supervisor Jim
(Shot: City Sanitation Department.)
(Scene: Inside building.)
Garbage man Phil: Hey guys, this is Jarod. He used to work at the nearby city’s sanitation department and was the best garbage man around.
Jarod: Hello guys, how are you doing?
Garbage man Ed: Wow, I used to work for that city’s department. I’ll be sure to let Joe there know how you’re doing.
Jarod: Er, don’t do that.
Phil: I never actually talked to anyone who Jarod used to work for, but he’s got a letter of recommendation and a sanitation department certificate of achievement, which is pretty impressive since I didn’t know we had such things. So I just hired him without talking to anyone.
Jarod: I’ll do a good job as a garbage man, fellas.
Garbage man Ken: We call ourselves “Sanitation Engineers”, Jarod.
Jarod: “Sanitation Engineer”? How fascinating. (To Ed): hey what are you reading?
Ed: Oh. Umm…
Jarod: Fascinating. They publish this material? What do you call it?
Jarod: (Looking it over in his hands) “Porn”. How fascinating.
Ed: What, you been living under a rock for the last 30 years?
Jarod: No, I grew up in a secret place called the “centre”, where a small collection of surprisingly dense people secretly control the world through an illuminati type situation.
Ed: Uh… yeah. Forget I asked.
(Begin Credits. There are pretenders among us…)
(Scene: Inside the centre. Broots and Sydney are sitting in front of a computer, talking.)
Sydney: Don’t you see, Broots, the hypothalamus creates locomus control among the inner receptors. But this is the source of subconscious control among the buried mental id memories of the memory receptors!”
Broots: Ah yeah, whatever.
Sydney: So a subcutaneous incision on the dorsal salin’s nerve will produce a dythemia in the alemia tendril! Do you know what this means, Broots?
Broots: Shut up.
(Raines enters room.)
Raines: Well hello, Gentlemen.
Broots (loud whisper that Raines surely can hear): Man, that guy freaks me out.
Sydney smiles enigmatically.
Raines: I have just come from sector 22. And I must tell you gentlemen, there is absolutely no reason for you to go down there.
Raines: There is absolutely no incriminating evidence in sector 22. Nothing at all. Yet I must warn you gentlemen not to go down there. Should I find you have violated my directions I will come back down here and stare at you ominously.
Broots: Not a problem.
Raines: So don’t go to sector 22. Or sector 36. Nothing there, don’t bother. Absolutely nothing incriminating in sectors 22 or 36.
Broots: Got it.
(Enter Ms. Parker.)
Parker: Hello Raines, aren’t you dead yet? If not I can help speed the process.
Raines: Hello Ms. Parker, always a joy. (To Broots and Sydney) So don’t go in sectors 22, 36, or 58. Now I’m off to sector 12 where absolutely nothing is happening. Nothing at all. (Raines looks at them ominously and leaves.)
Broots: Man I hate it when that guy looks at me ominously.
Sydney: So are you going down to sector 22?
Broots: Screw it, why bother? Whatever I find there will be forgotten by the next episode anyway. I’ll just stay here and play Tetris.
Parker: Hello Broots, hello Sydney.
Broots: Er, hello Ms. Parker.
Sydney: Hello Ms. Parker.
Parker: Shut up Sydney, I wasn’t talking to you. So Broots, you little worm ridden maggot, have you found anything on Jarod or do I have to punish you like the dog you are?
Broots: Um, well, er…
Parker: Out with it, slime, or I’ll punish you until you beg me for mercy.
Broots: Well, we found something, but it’s not about Jarod. It’s about your mother. I walked past the sleeping security guard in the lobby and into your father’s office. There I opened up the box on his desk that said “Do not open”. It’s a letter. But I really don’t think you should see it.
Parker: Give it to me now, worm, or I’ll take you home, chain you up, and whip you until you call me mommy.
Broots: Er, okay. It’s a signed and sworn letter from your father saying he’s an evil man and he directly caused the death of your mother. In fact, right here it says: “finally got rid of the old lady, now I’m free to date again.”
Sydney: Do you think this means that your father knew about the death of your mother, Ms. Parker?
Parker: Shut up Sydney, nobody’s talking to you. (To Broots) I’ll take care of this you sniveling piece of feces.
Broots: er, okay.
(Scene: Back inside the sanitation department. Jarod is sitting at a desk, reading porn. He looks up as some garbage men approach.)
Jarod: Hello Phil.
Phil: Hello Jarod, How ya doing? It’s really great to have you around, I heard you did the Elm Street Route in less than 5 minutes. You’re really something.
Jarod: You bet. Hello Ed.
Ed: Hello Jarod. Hope you’re having a great day. Hey, thanks for doing open heart surgery on me the other day.
Jarod: No problem. Hello Department Supervisor Jim.
Jim: Hello Jarod.
(Jarod looking suspicious) He’s not very friendly, is he?
Ed: Oh, don’t worry about Jim. He’s just that way. Unfortunately he’s our boss.
Jarod: How did that happen?
Ed: He wasn’t always our boss. We used to work for supervisor Tom, a great guy. Then one day Tom and Jim went into a closet. We heard some loud noise, and when Jim walked out, Tom was dead! Tom’s head and been bashed in. And none of us ever thought the guy was capable of committing suicide. A real shame too, cause Tom left behind an immigrant wife who’s about to be deported, and 20 kids. Tom was also the president of the Red Cross, and it’s about to go bankrupt.
Jarod: How about that.
Ed: Fortunately Jim was able to cope with being in the same room as Tom when Tom committed suicide, and he became our boss.
Jarod: Raises eyebrow and looks suspiciously after Jim.
Ed: Hey, you okay, Jarod? You’ve been just standing there looking suspiciously in that direction for the last half-hour.
Jarod: Oh. Oh, sorry.
(Scene: Parker is entering her house. She’s about to unlock the door when she finds it unlocked. Pulling her gun, she steps into the house and hears the noise of a shower running. Carefully she walks over to the bathroom with her gun drawn. She opens the door and walks in. There’s someone taking a shower behind the shower curtain. She points her gun at the person and quickly pulls back the shower curtain.)
Father: Hello pumpkin!
(Parker sighs and holsters gun): Daddy, you scared me half to death.
(Father looks surprised) Sorry sweetheart, just thought I’d come by and get a quick shower in.
Parker: Don’t “sweetheart” me. How do you explain this? (holds up letter.)
(Father smiles kindly) Oh, pumpkin, you have to understand, it was the sixties. We were signing and swearing letters of confession left and right. It doesn’t mean anything. (Suddenly looks surprised.) You don’t think I had anything to do with the death of your mother, do you?
Parker: Well, it does look suspicious.
Father: Oh pumpkin, let’s go watch Daddy fire someone. Then we can go out for ice cream. You’ll have forgotten all about it by the next episode.
Parker: Well… I can be suspicious of you for the rest of this episode, right?
Father: Whatever you want, pumpkin.
(Scene: Sydney’s office. Sydney is sitting in the dark when the phone rings. He answers the phone.)
Sydney: Hello Jarod.
Jarod: Hello Sydney. You always know when it’s me. It must be that father-son type relationship.
Sydney: Yeah it’s not caller i.d. So what do you need to talk about, Jarod?
Jarod: Sydney, can one person kill another person?
Sydney: It’s happened before. Can you be a little more specific?
Jarod: If two people walk into a closet, and only walks out, and the other has his head caved in, does that imply murder?
Sydney: It’s certainly possible. (Pause) When are you coming back Jarod?
Jarod: Actually I was at the Centre yesterday. I walked around, picked up some classified documents, stole some tapes, and watched a little T.V. in the lounge.
Sydney: Very clever, Jarod! Did you parachute in to the top, sneak through the air ducts, cleverly jump past the moving lasers, and disable the security system computers?
Jarod: Actually the service entrance out back was unlocked. And I left you a little present. It’s in your desk.
Sydney: Why Jarod, how thoughtful! I… a pez dispenser?
Jarod: Yes, it dispenses candy. Neat, huh?
Sydney: You’re a super genius. You have access to massive bank accounts, can get your hands on a nuclear missile… and you give me a pez dispenser? A pez dispenser! How about a Porsche, you ungrateful little brat? Or a Switzerland bank account. I can BUY a damn candy dispenser!
Jarod: So long, Sydney.
(Scene: Abandoned warehouse. Nothing is in there except a garbage truck and a dumpster. Jarod is standing there. Jim approaches.)
Jim: Hey Jarod. Thanks for inviting me for a guy’s night out. Except you said there’d be beer and pizza.
Jarod: It’s in the truck’s scooper. Just climb right in there.
Jim: Okay. (Climbs in scooper.) Hey, there’s no pizza or beer in here!
(Jarod hops in the drivers side) Just like there was no beer or pizza in that closet where you killed Tom! (Raises scooper)
Jim (From scooper) What! You have no proof that I killed Tom!
Jarod: Oh, yeah, that’s true. Er, I mean- yes I do! And I’ll now dump you into a dumpster full of live scorpions just like you killed Tom!
Jim: Actually I bashed his head in, remember?
Jarod: That doesn’t get ratings. Die! (Jarod hits button and scooper begins to move to dumpster.)
Jim: Okay, I admit it! I killed Tom! I killed him! Oh, please! I’m too pretty to die! And I never learned to read! Ahhh…. (Scooper dumps Jim into dumpster.)
Jim: Hey, there’s no scorpions in here. It’s filled with porn magazines. What the hell?
(Jarod gets out of the cab and steps on the back of the truck.) That’s right. Take a few, they might come in handy in prison. And now that we know Tom’s death wasn’t a suicide, his widow will be able to stay legally in America, his 20 kids will go to college, and the Red Cross won’t have to file bankruptcy! Now let’s go, Ed!
(Ed steps into the cab of the truck) Well done, Jarod! (Drives the truck off.)
(Parker and 2 armed men run into the warehouse.)
Parker: Okay we finally figured out that damn riddle. Where’s Jarod?
(Jim points at the leaving truck. A smiling Jarod waves at Parker from the back of the truck as it leaves.)
Parker: son of a…..
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.