Let Me Be Myself by icd
Chapter 1 by icd
The song is "Let Me Be Myself" from 3 Doors Down

I guess I just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
Take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you one time... oooh
Let me be myself
Let me be me


Let Me Be Myself

He usually liked driving pure - no music, nothing else distracting him from the soothing sound of the high powered engine. The one time he flicked on the radio for a distraction, finding a local station, the lyrics had captured his attention.

Dual pain - psychological and physical had come next, closely after each other before blackness had engulfed him.

***

He woke to the smell of hospitals, the disinfectant. The pain and the despair seeped off the walls and into him before he was really awake.

Clawing his way back to consciousness, he pried his eyes open with great effort. The first thing he saw was unexpected, forcing the breath out of his lungs that had nothing to do with broken ribs.

His twin was at his side, perched uncomfortably in a hospital chair.

He didn't remember how he came to be here or why or what was wrong with him. Pain was distant, but a powerful surge of strength rushed through him upon having her around. Exhaustion followed close after, and his eyes drooped closed once more, blackness drawing him off. He couldn't be sure if he heard her speak or if that was wishful thinking, didn't care, the sight of her watching over him burned into his retina, committed to memory in case he wouldn't see it again.

***

She didn't come back for days after that - or rather, he was never awake when she was there. He could smell her perfume lingering in the room when he woke though, reassuring in a strange way.

Lyle didn't remember the accident, didn't remember losing control of the car on slippery asphalt. He hadn't even been speeding... but he had been distracted. He remembered fragments of music that had seeped into him, speaking to him on a deep level.

***

If it had been the accident, the music, the concussion or the presence of his twin that changed things, he couldn't tell. Maybe the presence - reoccurring presence - of his twin... yeah, it was probably her presence that meant a lot now.

She came for visits, making sure he remained in the hospital and wasn't taken back to the Centre's Infirmary. It might have been easier, but the Centre's Infirmary - or any medical place that had Raines' paw prints all over it - was a dangerous place for him; a place that promised no rest and no recovery. She knew it, or she realized it without him saying so.

Endless hours of loneliness in his hospital bed, interspersed with the happiness that came with her visits, he had too much time on his hands to think, to brood and to re-evaluate lots of things. Her visits were a distraction and as time went on, he came to cherish them more and more, cherish her presence when they were suddenly connected, when their connection mattered.

The light faded when she left in the evening, but the glowing ember remained when he became more certain in the belief that she would come back. Maybe they would get another chance, maybe in her, he could find a hold in the darkness that surrounded him.

He had lost himself so long ago, had bowed to the demands, to the pain and the torment. He got lost in that darkness, buried himself - the true character - so deeply he didn't even know where to look for himself anymore. Her visits, her strength brought hope though, hope that he could find comfort in her, finally have someone halt his fall. He was tired, tired of being alone, tired of fighting, of waiting. With her at his side, he might find the strength to keep fighting, to have a hold and fight together with her though, break free from his cell of darkness, from the hold of his personal demon.

***

His eyes were closed, warmth of a body beneath his head, the sound of her breathing in his ear, soothing him.

He had never expected her to bring him into her home, to take him in and watch over him once he was released from the hospital and not fully fit to take care of himself. He would have survived on his own - he always had - but once more, her presence, her decision mattered and he allowed himself to continue to show his remaining weakness in front of her, the remaining pain from his wounds, the exhaustion.

Her fingers moving through his hair further soothed him off to sleep, reassuring him of her presence as his body was curled up on the couch, his head resting on her abdomen. She hadn't only invited him into her home, she had invited him closer, strengthened him with calming touches like these and allowed him to be himself.

All his attempts to kill the pain deep within, kill it by killing humans, nothing had worked compared to the silence that fell upon his mind due to her presence. And suddenly it had become so easy to lower his guard, to be around her and to even allow himself to look for some remaining pieces of Bobby.

He had been tired of waiting for her, tired of fighting with her and hoping for some sort of connection with her, but then she had been there, unexpected but wanted. With her, he could fall and have a safety-net, one that he didn't have to provide for himself to soothe a fall. It was there, granted due to her, for him to fall back on. That feeling of safety, of there being someone who gave a damn... it was probably more addictive than the shedding of blood, the sound of money or the feel of power. It was a whole new dimension of power that had been opened to him.

He fought for that connection every day, fought to keep this little piece of heaven, this piece of freedom, this connection. He wanted to keep it and he fought with all he had to not lose it again, to not lose her again. With her, he suddenly could be himself again - or could be what was left of himself... which was more than he would have ever thought of regaining.



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