The Pretender Bride: A Spoof by Sarah, admin
The Pretender Bride: A Spoof by Sarah
The Pretender Bride: A Spoof
I guess I better put in the usual disclaimers before someone gets on my case, like, say, Pretender Productions or Rob Reiner.
Although, if they actually sued me all they'd get is a handful of spit and some lint from my pockets, cause that's all I got!! When I get this done these nasty little disclaimers will go at the bottom, so you won't be distracted. Until then, well, get used to it! Contained within this fic are elements of both The Pretender and The Princess Bride, and I claim none of the characters as my own.
I'd like to thank a few people for encouraging me in this: Jennie for pestering me to write it, Ana for giving me the guts to do it,
Hannah, my eternally loyal sister, for giving me the inspiration, and Lois for making me believe that I could actually write at all.
Thanks, guys!! I'm forever in your debt! And an extra special thanks and a kiss for Mom, who put up with my weirdness all
through the writing of this, and in real life. Mom, you're the best! One more thanks goes out to Jamie (you know who you
are :)) for putting up with my bad writing long enough to show me how it's really done. Bless you, Mr. Great One!!!
This story is copywrited by ME, as of December 23, 1998. So, don't get any ideas about making anything out of this without
contacting ME. If you wanna write and tell me off, give me encouragement, or just say what you think, try here:
JDsMoegirl@yahoo.com. Praise will be bronzed and hung on my wall, flames will be fed to Saint George Drake, my pet dragon.
Michael T. Wiess as Westley, er, Jarod
Andrea Parke r as Miss Parker (can you honestly see her as Buttercup?)
Jamie Denton as Prince Humperdink, or Prince Lyle
Billy Crystal as Miracle Max
Carol Cane as Valerie
Wallace Shawn as Vizzini
Harv Presnel as The King, otherwise known as Daddy Parker
Jeffery Donovan as Inigo, also Kyle
Paul Dillon as Fezzik, i.e. Angelo, Mushhead, Cousin It
Richard Marcus as Tyrone, or Dr. Raines
Jon Gries as Yellin
Amir Aboulela as The Albino called Gar
Willie Gault as The Silent Member of the Brute Squad
Pamela Gidley as Young Hag in Crowd with Lollipop
Patrick Baucau as The Impressive Clergyman
Westley: "I must go across the sea to seek my fortune
Miss Parker: "But what if something happens to you?"
Westley: "This is True Love, you think this happens every day?"
MP: "Of course it happens every day! Why do you think they make so many movies about it? If you leave now I'm gonna go
and marry the Prince!"
She flounces off, and Westley leaves anyway.
Later, back at the palace:
MP: "Oh, Prince, might I go on a morning ride this morning?"
Prince Humperdink: "OH, SURE. JUST DON'T LET WARRIORS OF GUILDER GET YOU." (This is how the Prince
talks, in all caps. He's not shouting, he's enunciating. That's what he told me, at least - AnonyMouse)
MP: "OK, thanks."
Later, in the woods far far from the castle:
Vizzini: "A word, M'Lady? We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a villiage nearby?"
MP: "There is nothing nearby, not for miles."
Vizzini: "Then there will be no one to hear you scream."
MP: "What? What are you talking about?"
Fezzik walks over to her and tries to grab her neck. MP whops him over the head and grabs his ears. Fezzik hates having his
ears pulled. MP doesn't see Inigo sneaking up behind her. WHOP! She falls from the horse.
In the boat:
Inigo: "What is that you are ripping?"
Vizzini: "It's fabric from the uniform of an officer of Guilder."
Fezzik: "Who's Guilder?"
Vizzini: "It's the Country Across the Sea. The sworn enemy of Floren. Go!" He slaps the horse. "The Prince will think the
Guildarians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder Frontier, his suspicions will be totally
Fezzik: "You never said anything about killing anyone."
Vizzini: "I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition."
Fezzik: "I just don't think it's right, killing a young girl."
Vizzini: "Young? Look at her, she must be at least thirty years old! How can you say she's young? Anyway, back to the script.
Am I going mad, or did the word THINK escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains you hippomatanic land mass!"
Inigo: "I agree with Fezzik."
Vizzini: "Oh, Mr. I-Decide-Who-Lives-Or-Dies has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern! I will kill her! And
remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so crazy mad you couldn't pretend to be normal!" (turns to
Fezzik) "And you! Brainless, friendless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were, stuck in an
air vent at the Centre!?" He stalks off, leaving Fezzik and Inigo alone.
Inigo: "Vizzini, he can fuss..."
Fezzik: "Fuss, fuss, I think he likes to scream at us."
Inigo: "Probably he means no harm."
Fezzik: "He's very very short on......Charm!"
Inigo: "You have a great gift for rhyme."
Fezzik: "Yes, yes, some of the time."
Vizzini: "Will you stop it!"
Inigo: "Fezzik! Are there rocks ahead?"
Fezzik: "If there are, we'll all be dead!"
Vizzini: "No more rhymes now, I mean it!"
Fezzik: "Anybody want a peanut?"
Vizzini: "DYAAAAAAAAHH!!!!" (looks up at the sky, talking to the Narrarator) "And while we're at it, will you quit calling
those two Fezzik and Inigo! Their names are Angelo and Kyle! Shape it up!"
Narrator: "Uh, well, OK. Back to the story..."
Later that night, on the Sea:
Miss Parker: "Despite what you think, you will be caught, and the Prince will see you all hanged."
Vizzini: "Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own."
Miss Parker: "Oh, I'm sure. I could take all three of you at one time and break your backs like so much sugar cane!"
Ini- uh -Kyle: "Then why don't you? It might make for some interesting plot development."
Miss Parker: "Haven't you read the script? In a few minutes I'm suposed to jump over board, and ruin this dress! Stupid
Vizzini: "Oh, quit grumbling!" (looks at Kyle) "Stop worrying. We can all relax now. It's almost over."
(looks up at Kyle again) "Why are you doing that?"
Kyle: "Are you sure sure nobody is following us."
Vizzini: "That would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconcievable! Nobody in Guilder knows what we've done, and
no one in Floren could have gotten here so fast!.........Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"
Kyle: "I just happened to glance behind us and saw something's there."
Vizzini: "It's probably a local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters."
Miss Parker: "Well, at least this dress is going for a good cause. Here I go!" SPLASH!!
Vizzini: "Go in! Get after her!"
Kyle: "I don't swim."
Angelo: "I only dog paddle."
(sound of eels swimming through the water)
Vizzini: "Do you know what that sound is, Highness? It's the sound of the Shrieking Eels. If you don't believe me, just wait.
They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh. If you swim back now I promise, no harm will come to
you. I doubt you'll get such an offer from the Eels."
Miss Parker whops an Eel over the snout and is basically holding her own. "I'm doing all right by myself. Care to join me?"
Vizzini is taken aback. "Uh, Kyle, do you want to get her?"
Kyle snorts as he leans up against the side of the ship, arms crossed. "Yeah, right. I decide who lives or dies, remember? And
right now I decide that she can die before me."
Vizzini: "Oh have it your way!"
Kyle: "You mean there's a Burger King around here? Where"
Vizzini: "Idiot! (turns to Angelo) Angelo!"
Angelo: "Sir! Yes Sir!"
Vizzini: "Get her!"
Angelo grabs Miss Parker out of a wrestling match with an Eel, and the Eel looks relieved as he swims off.
Vizzini, as he ties her hands: "I supose you think you're brave?"
Miss Parker: "Only compared to some, you spinless excuse for a human being!"
Vizzini whops her over the head, and she lies still.
Kyle: "He's right on top of us! I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using?"
Vizzini: "He's too late! See?! The Cliffs Of Insanity! Hurry up! Move, that thing! And, that other thing! Move it!!.....Only
Angelo is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours til he finds a harbor."
Angelo and the others start up the Cliffs. The Man In Black pulls up the the Cliffs and turns off his outboard motor. He
Kyle: "He's climbing the rope.....And he's gaining!"
Vizzini: "You were suposed to be this Colossus, you were this Great Legendary Thing, and yet he gains!"
Angelo: "Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself. And besides, I was a Pretender, not a Strong Man!"
Vizzini: "I do not accept excuses. I'm just going to have to find my self a new Pretender."
Angelo: "Don't say that, Vinzini, please."
The Man In Black is climbing the rope with the aid of a motorized winch tied around his waist. (Oh, knock it off with the
whining! This is my Fantasy! - AnonyMouse) Anyway, the Man In Black was gaining on the four of them. They reach the top of
the Cliff and Vizzini starts cutting the rope with a dagger so conveniently placed in his belt. Angelo climbes over the top of the
Cliff trying to stop the bleeding in his side where Vizzini's knife cut him. (Like I said, my Fantasy - AnonyMouse) The rope is
cut, and falls over the Cliff. All four rush to the edge to see the Man In Black go splat on the shore.
Angelo: "He's got very good arms."
Miss Parker: *sigh* "I'll say."
Vizzini, disgustedly: "Quit mooning." (sees the Man In Black) "He didn't fall! Inconcievable!"
Kyle: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." (they all look down at the Man In Black)
"Good grief, he climbing."
Vizzini: "Whoever he is he has obviously seen us with the Princess and must therefore die. You (to Angelo) carry her. (to Kyle)
We'll head straight for the Guilder Frontier. Catch up when he's dead."
Kyle: "I'm going to do this left-handed."
Vizzini: "You know what a hurry we're in!"
Kyle: "Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right....over too quickly."
Vizzini: "Oh, have it your way!"
They leave, leaving Kyle at the edge of the Cliff looking down at the Man In Black.
Kyle: "Hey there." (no response) "Slow going?"
Man In Black: "Look, this is not as easy as it looks so I would apreciate it if you wouldn't distract me."
Man In Black: "Thank you."
Kyle, who is fidgeting at the edge of the Cliff: "I don't suppose you could speed things up?"
Man In Black: "If you're in such a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do."
Kyle: "I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you."
Man In Black: "That does put a damper on our relationship."
Kyle: "But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top."
Man In Black: "That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait."
Kyle, muttering: "I hate waiting.....Could I give you my word as a Centre Worker?"
Man In Black, struggling up the Cliff: "No good. I've known too many Centre Workers."
Kyle: "I swear on the Medal, the Distinguished Flying Cross of my father, Major Charles, you will reach the top alive."
Man In Black: "Throw me the rope."
Kyle throws the rope to the Man In Black, and it hits his head and knocks him off the Cliff. On the way down the Man in Black
does a triple flip with a half twist and a double revolving salchow thrown in for spice on the way down. The judge's pannel on the
side of the Cliff hold up their cards. 9's across the board. Kyle looks down the Cliff in wonder.
Kyle: "Good job!" He has to yell to be heard. "But now what do we do? You're supposed to be up here, and you're down
Man In Black: "Hang on a sec, let me get my jetpack started." He pulls the starter rope and the engine kicks over. He flies to
the top of the Cliff. Kyle gives him a hand as he lands.
Man In Black: "Thank you."
Kyle: "Wait until you're ready."
Man In Black: "Again, thank you."
Kyle: I don't mean to pry, but you don't happen to have a Dark Suit, do you?"
Man In Black: "Let me check...." He pulls a garment bag out of his napsack, slung over his shoulder. "Um, ivory Armani, gold
lame' Elvis jumpsuit, black leather, nevermind, Uh, red Gucci, not this one, no, nope....Uh, Nope, no Dark Suit in here. Do you
always begin conversations this way?" He drops the garment bag over Cliff.
Kyle: "My father was slaughtered by a Man In A Dark Suit." (he brings out the Medal and shows it to the Man In Black)
Man In Black: "It's magnificent."
Kyle: "My father was a great Medal-Maker. When the Man In The Dark Suit came and requested a special Medal my father
took the job. He spent two years getting it right. Then the Man came to to claim his Medal, but at one tenth his promised price.
My father refused. Without a word the Man In The Dark Suit shot him through the heart. I love my father, so naturally I
challenge his murderer to a fight. I lose. The Man In The Dark Suit leave me alive. But he gave me this." (he shows the Man In
Black a scar on his thumb) "But the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the Man In The Dark Suit and say: 'Hello,
my name is Kyle. You stole my family. I decide who lives or dies.'"
Man In Black: "So you've done nothing but hunt him?"
Kyle: "Well, I've been hunting him for twenty years, and I'm starting to lose confidence that he is alive. I just work for Vinzini to
pay the bills."
Man In Black, standing: "Well, I certainly hope you find him someday."
Kyle: "So you are ready then?"
Man In Black: "Whether I am or not you've been more than fair."
Kyle: "You seem a decent fellow, I hate to beat you."
Man In Black: "You seem a decent fellow, I hate to lose."
The both bring out 9mm and set up targets. Each takes a shot at the bullseye, left-handed.
Kyle: "Very very close! I admit that you are better than I am!"
Man In Black: "Then why are you smiling?"
Kyle: "Because I know something you don't know."
Man in Black: "And what is that?"
Kyle: "I am not left-handed." He empties out the clip, using his right hand, and shoots the shape of a cross in the target, four
shots down, three shots across.
Man In Black: "There is something I ought to tell you."
Kyle: "Tell me."
Man In Black: "I'm not left-handed either." He empties out his clip and shoots the shape of Donald Duck in the target. Kyle
looks on in amazement.
Kyle: "Who are you?"
Man In Black: "No one of consequence."
Kyle: "I must know."
Man In Black: "Get used to disapointment."
Kyle: "Finish me quickly, then."
Man In Black: "I would sooner destroy a stainglass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following
me either..." He whacks Kyle over the back of the head and leaves, grabbing his gun holster on the way.
At the Stone Rings:
Vizzini, seeing the Man In Black running towards them: "Inconcievable! Catch up with us quickly!"
Angelo: "What do I do?"
Vizzini: "Finish him, finish him, your way!"
Angelo: "My way, thank you Vizzini! Hmmmm...Which one's my way?"
Vizzini: "Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the Boulder. In a few minutes the Man In Black will come running around the
bend. The minute his head is in veiw, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!"
Angelo: "My way is not very sportsmanlike." He shrugs and picks up a rock on the way behind the Boulder.
The Man In Black comes running around the Bend. He looks, wary, then a rock hits him on the head and knocks him cold.
Angelo: "Oops." He waits for the Man In Black to wake up.
Man In Black, as he awakes: "Ow! What'd ya do that for!" He looks at the script, which is conveniently placed on a rock
nearby. He takes his spectacles out of his pocket and puts them on. "It says here that you were supposed to miss my head and
hit the rock behind me." He takes off the spectacles and glares at Angelo. "What happened? Bad aim?"
Angelo, shruging: "Sorry. Anyway, I didn't have to hit you.....Wait, um, I didn't have to miss."
Man In Black: "But you DID hit me!"
Angelo, pulling the Man In Black to the side: "I'm trying to get back to the script, you dolt! Work with me here! (clears his
throat) I did that on purpose, I didn't have to miss."
Man In Black, sighs: "I believe you. (rubs head where the rock hit) So what do we do now?"
Angelo: "We face each other like God intended. No twicks, uh, *tricks*, no weapons, skill against skill alone."
Man In Black: "You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my gun and we'll kill each other like civilized men?"
Angelo, raises the rock: "I could kill you now?"
Man In Black, rubbing his head: "I think the odds are slightly in my favor seeing as how I have a gun and you have a rock."
Angelo, standing on his soapbox: "Is there no justice! All I want to do is make a movie. I don't need clowns like you messing up
the script! You were supposed to say that I was better than you, but Nooooooooo!!! You just have to be the best! You make
me SICK!! I'm losing my motivation here!! I'm a gentle soul, really, not one prone to violence........(Angelo breaks into song at
this point, the Man In Black is looking on in disgust) (tune of 'Don't Be Cruel', as sung by Elvis)
You know I can be found, standing here all alone,
If you can't come around at least please telephone,
Don't Be Cruel, to an actor that's true!!
Man In Black if I made you mad, with something I might have said,
Please forget my past, the future looks bright ahead,
Don't Be Cruel, to an actor that's true!!
I don't want no other job, this movie's still just what I'm, thinkin' of,
Don't stop thinkin' of me, don't make me feel this way,
Come on give me credit, SAG's just a week away,
Don't Be Cruel, to an actor that's true!"
At this point the Man In Black is so disgusted that he breaks into the singing and whacks Angelo over the head.
Man In Black: "Shut up, will you!! Elvis is dead! Let the man rest is peace!! OK, I'll get back to the script if you just quit
Angelo: "OK, now that we've got that settled, let's carry on." He takes the soapbox and shoves it under the nearest rock, and
continues with the script. "It's not my fault for being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exersize." He looks thoughtful.
"Why are you wearing those extra black sunglasses? Were you blinded by acid, or something?"
Man In Black: "Oh, no, it's just that they're terribly comfortable. I think that after seeing the movie 'Men In Black' everyone will
be wearing them."
Man In Black, looking over at the Stones: "OK, jump on that one, then leap to the next one, then roll over the Table in the
center, then dance and piruette down to the grass, nothing but the toes."
Angelo does it, then comes to the Man In Black.
Angelo: "OK, jump to the top of that one, run to the end of the next Stone and jump off, roll down the hill, and leap to the top
of the big Stone, nothing but the toes."
Man In Black: "Ah HA!! Now, for your test, jump to the top of that Stone and jump off, nothing but the toes!"
Angelo tries, but falls off the Stone to the ground.
Angelo: "I think I figured out why you're giving me so much trouble."
Man In Black: "And why is that?"
Angelo: "Well, you use different moves when you're jumping half a dozen rocks....than when you only......have to.....jump
one......" Angelo collapses from the fall.
The Man In Black rolls him over: "I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest
well, and dream of large air vents."
He takes off towards Miss Parker and Vinzini, who by this time has large bruises on his face from the pummeling Miss Parker
has given him. They are seated at a stone table in the middle of the countryside.
Meanwhile, back at the Cliffs Of Insanity:
Prince Humperdink, or Lyle: "IT WAS A MIGHTY DUEL!! THEY WERE BOTH MASTERS........"
Count Rougan, or Raines: "Who won? How did it end?"
Prince Lyle: "THE LOSER RAN OFF ALONE, AND THE WINNER FOLLOWED THOSE FOOTPRINTS TOWARDS
Raines: "Shall we track them both?"
Lyle: "THE LOSER IS NOTHING, ONLY THE PRINCESS MATTERS."
Raines steadies his oxygen tank on the saddle and they ride off.
At the Stone Table, Vizzini is seated with a Blindfolded Miss Parker
Vizzini: "So, it is down to you, and it is down to me, you be you, me be me, and we both be happy.......If you wish her dead, by
all means, keep moving foward."
The Man In Black stops: "Perhaps an arrangement could be made?"
Vizzini: "There will be no arrangement and you're killing her." Miss Parker whaps him over the head and he yells.
Vizzini: "Hey!" He whaps her back, she whaps him, he whaps her.....The Man In Black breaks in.
Man In Black: "Hold it!" They stop in mid whap and look at him. "Let me explain!"
Vizzini: "There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen."
Man In Black: "Then we are at a Mexican Standoff."
Vizzini: "I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains."
Man In Black: "You're that smart?"
Vizzini: "Let me put it this way: You ever hear of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"
MIB: "Then let me challenge you to a battle of wits."
Vizzini: "For the Princess?" MIB nods. "To the death?" Nods. "I accept."
MIB: "Good, then pour the wine." He reaches into his shirt and brings out a vial of something.
MIB: "Inhale this, but do not touch."
Vizzini: "I smell nothing."
MIB: "What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is oderless, tasteless, disolves instantly in liquid, and is among the
more deadly poisons known to man."
Miss Parker: "Kill him! Kill him now! Stop it with the mind games! Just grab that gun you've got and shoot the dang villain!!"
Vizzini whaps her over the head and knocks her out: "Now, shall we continue?"
MIB, puts the glasses on the table: "The Battle of Wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink. And find out
who is right, and who is dead."
Vizzini: "But it's all so simple. All I have to do is divine what I know of you....Are you the sort of person who would put the
poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because only a great
fool would reach for what he is given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you would
have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
MIB: "So you've made your decision then?"
Vizzini: "Not remotely! Because Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with
criminals! And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me so I can clearly not choose the
wine in front of you."
MIB: "Truly you have a dizzying intellect."
Vizzini: "Wait til I get going!!.....Where was I?"
Vizzini: "Yes, Australia! And you would have guessed that I would know the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the
wine in front of me."
MIB: "You're stalling."
Vizzini: "You'd like to think that wouldn't you! You've beaten my Angelo which means you must be exceptionally strong, so you
could have put the poison in your own goblet trusting on your strength to save you! So I can clearly not choose the wine in front
of you. But you've also bested my Kyle, which means you must have studied, and in studying you would have discovered that
man is mortal therefore you would have put the poison as far away from yourself as possible so I can clearly not choose the wine
in front of me!!"
MIB: "You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work."
Vizzini: "It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!!"
MIB: "Then make your choice!"
Vizzini: "I will! And I choose....What in the world is that!!" Points behind the MIB.
MIB: "What? Where?" Turns back, a bemused smile on his face. "I didn't see anything. What's so funny?"
Vizzini: "I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours!"
They drink, MIB speaks: "You guessed wrong."
Vizzini: "You only think I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! HAHA, you
fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous: never get involved in a land war in Asia. But only slightly
less well known is this: Never get involved with a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Miss Parker, who just woke up: "To think, all that time you could have killed him, but you let him drink himself to death."
MIB: "There was poison in both cu.....Wait!! Don't drink that!!Blast it, didn't you read the script? There's poison in those
cups!!" He slaps the cup out ot Miss Parker's hand.
Miss Parker: "You dolt! You mean you used *real* poison?? Now look what you've done! You killed Wallace Shawn! Do
you know what this is gonna do to the SAG Awards??" She stalks off in disgust.
MIB looks at Vinzini, then at the cup, then at Miss Parker, then at the camera crew. "Uh, sorry." He takes off after Miss
(I didn't feel the need to change this section of dialogue much since it was so silly without me. Don't worry,
Wallace Shawn is not dead, he's only Pretending *g* - AnonyMouse)
Back at the Stone Rings:
The Prince: ''SOMEONE HAS BEATEN THE SOCIOPATH. THERE WILL BE GREAT SUFFERING IN THE CENTRE
IF SHE DIES!"
Count Raines: "Well, it's not like there isn't already, but, whatever you say, Princy"
Prince: (mad) "DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
Continue to the Rock Field:
Miss Parker: "Rest. Whatever it is you want the Prince will pay it, I promise!"
MIB, puffing: "And....what is that (puff puff) worth.....the promise of a....(puff puff) woman? You are very funny Highness."
Miss Parker: "The Prince can't track a wooly mamoth through the snow on a clear day, but he can find you!!"
MIB: "Are you saying your deaest love will save you?"
Miss Parker: "I never said he was my dearest love, and yes he will save me."
MIB: "You admit to me you do not love your fiancee'?"
Miss Parker: "He knows I do not love him."
MIB: "Are not capable of love is what you really mean."
Miss Parker: "I have loved more deeply than a pretender like youself could ever dream!"
The Man In Black gets really ticked when she says that. He raises his hand to strike, but Miss Parker grabs him and pulls him
over her head in a judo move.
Miss Parker: Don't pull that stunt with me!! I could break you like a carrot stick!!"
MIB, on the ground, moaning: "That was supposed to be a warning, Highness, until you felled me!" He gets up. "Can we stop
with the judo moves and get on with this movie? My salary has been cut in half as it is!"
Miss Parker: "OK. Let's go.
At the Stone Table where Wallace Shawn is complaining to the camera men about the awful headache he has.
Shawn: ''What do you mean he put real poison in my cup? It wasn't REALLY real, was it?''
At the nods he throws his hands in the air.
Shawn: ''Oh, that's just great! Do you know what this is gonna do to the SAG awards!!??''
The Prince and Count Raines ride up.
Prince: "IOCAIN. I BET MY LIFE ON IT. AND LOOK. THERE ARE THE PRINCESS'S FOOTPRINTS. SHE IS
ALIVE, OR WAS AN HOUR AGO. IF SHE IS OTHERWISE WHEN I FIND HER I SHALL BE VERY PUT OUT."
They ride off without a second glance at the others, camera men or Shawn.
Shawn: "Well, how do you like that! Just ride off, not caring that I was almost killed......(thunk)"
He falls over, turning blue again. An ambulance drives up and takes him away.
Back at the Entrance to the Fire Swamp
Miss Parker: "I know who you are, your lack of stamina reveals everything! You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!"
Dread Pirate Roberts: "With Pride! What can I do for you?"
Miss Parker: "You can die slowly cut into a thousand pieces."
DPR: "Tch tch tch! Hardly complementary, your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?"
Miss Parker: "You killed my love."
DPR: "It's possible, I kill a lot of people. Who was this fiancee' of yours? Another prince like this one? Ugly rich and scabby?"
Miss Parker: "He was a Pretender, poor and perfect. With eyes like chocolate melted in the microwave just a tad too
long.......On the high seas your ship attacked! And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners."
DPR: "I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft people begin to disobey you and then
it's nothing but work work work all the time!"
Miss Parker, as she thumps him over the head: "You mock my pain!!"
DPR, as he ducks the blows: "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." He gets up and walks to
her. "I think I remember this Pretender of yours. This was what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?" (whump!) *groan*
Ow, well, I'm still telling it for the benefit of the readers. (rubbing ribs) He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or
blubbering. He simply said Please, Please I need to live. T'was the please that caught my memory. Then he went on to describe a
woman of surpassing beauty, I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what
you really are.
Miss Parker: "And what am I!?!?"
DPR: "Faithfulness, Highness, he talked about your enduring faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found out he was dead
did you run off and join your prince at the same hour or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?!"
Miss Parker, as she bops him over the head again: "You mocked me once, never do it again! I DIED that day!" They notice
the Prince and the Count topping the rise. "And you can die too for all I care." She pushes him down the cliff. DPR rolls down
the cliff, screaming.
DPR: "I'm a Pretender, not a stunt person! How could you let her push me like thaaaaa-aaaaaaaatt!!!!!!!"
Miss Parker: "Oh, joy. I just pushed Jarod down the cliff. Well, I go with my 'true love', just like the script says. Man oh man
are the writers gonna pay for this one. GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" She throws herself down the cliff, rolling
and bouncing over every stone.
Back to the Prince, standing on a grassy knoll watching the two disapear.
Prince: "THEY'VE DISAPEARED. PROBABLY FLEEING IN PANIC OVER THEIR ERROR. UNLESS I AM
WRONG, AND I AM NEVER WRONG, THEY ARE HEADED STRAIGHT INTO THE FIRE SWAMP."
Count Raines: (looking at the camera) "Obviously, we have no problems with ego."
Back to the Fire Swamp entrance:
Jarod: "Are you alright? Can you move at all?"
Miss Parker: "Move? You jerk! You had me fall down that stupid cliff and then you ask me if I can move? Get your hands off
me you lizard!"
Jarod: "Look, I didn't want this any more than you do, but it's in the script, we're being paid for it, and your agent is standing
over there with a gun aimed at us. So I suggest you get with the program." Miss Parker looked from Jarod to her agent, and then
back. She sighed.
Miss Parker: "OK, Consider me doing this for the money. Kiss me and die."
Jarod: (clears throat) (sweetly) "Can you move at all?"
Miss Parker: (reluctantly) "Move? If you want............I can.......Um, fly."
Jarod: "Why didn't you wait for me?"
Miss Parker: (looks at agent, who still has shotgun raised) "Well, you were dead."
Jarod: (longsuffering) "Death cannot stop True Love, yadda yadda yadda. Look, guys? I'm losing my motivation here!"
Miss Parker: "Here, try this." She kisses him, and when they come up for air Jarod has a shocked look on his face, along with
Jarod: "Thanks! OK (clears throat) Death cannot stop True Love. What it can do is delay it for a while." He moves in for
another kiss, but Miss Parker holds him off.
Miss Parker: "Look, buster, that kiss was just to get you back on track. Let's skip on to the Fire Swamp, shall we?"
The Director picks up a megaphone. "You're rich, I'll humor you. Let's roll tape!"
Jarod and Miss Parker raced along the ravine floor.
Miss Parker: "You'll never survive!"
Jarod: "What, with you along?"
Miss Parker: "No, the Fire Swamp."
Jarod: "Oh, that. You're just saying that because no one ever has."
In the Fire Swamp
Jarod: "Not that bad."
Miss Parker: "Look. I know you're just going with the script and all, but please stop it with the little Pollyanna-like quotes! It's
driving me insane!"
Jarod: "I think that ship has sailed, Miss Parker. (whop) Ow! OK, OK. (cough) I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home
here, but the trees are actually quite lovely. (whop!) Ow!"
Both enter the dark cave of trees that make up the Fire Swamp. Danger lurks all around, but our heroes are not afraid. Not
afraid of the flame spurts, of the deep ravines, of the....
Miss Parker: "Shut up, would you? You're wrecking my concentration!"
Uh, sorry. Anyway, our heroes travel deeper into the dread Fire Swamp. OK, they get past the Flame Spurts, and are talking
about Jarod's strange disapearance.
Jarod: "This will all soon be but a happy memory. Life at the far end, and Robert's ship Revenge. And I, as you know, am
Miss Parker: "Liar. He's been marauding for twenty years and you only left me five years ago."
Jarod: "I am often suprised at life's little quirks. He decided that he had grown so rich that he wanted to retire, so he took me
ashore, got a new crew, and came aboard as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left, and I
have been Roberts ever since. Is everything clear to you?"
Miss Parker: "Perfectly. While I was sitting in that stupid castle, being wined and dined, you were having all the fun on the high
sees, not bothering to call, not bothering to write, well, THANK YOU, Jarod."
With that Miss Parker stalked off, disapearing into the Lightning Sand pit. Jarod looked on in horror.
Jarod: "You mean I have to go down there and get her?" The Director nodded. Jarod sighed. "Oh, alright. Geronimo, I guess."
He jumped valiantly, or at least halfheartedly, into the Sand pit and came up after a few seconds, dragging Miss Parker by the
hair. He pulled her out and deposited her on the ground, beating his chest to get the sand out.
Jarod: "Man, loose some weight, sweety."
Miss Parker: "Don't you sweety me! And I am very trim, thank you. Maybe you should work out more." She finished shaking
the sand out of her hair and glanced around. "So what next? We'll never.......um, survive this terrible and awful.....uh, place."
Jarod: "No, we've already succeded and all that. I mean, what are the dangers of the Fire Swamp? First, the Flame Spurts. No
problem. There's smoke before each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand, but you were *so kind* to discover that, so
in the future we can avoid that too."
Miss Parker: "Aren't you forgetting something? What about the IRSAOUS's?"
Jarod: "Internal Revenue Service Agents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exsist."
Miss Parker: "I believe the correct response to that is, 'Famous Last Words.' Look behind you."
Jarod looked behind him, where three IRSAOUS's were aproaching with a wail, each three feet tall and holding a briefcase and
a 1040 form in their clawed little hands.
IRSAOUS #1: "You must fill in your tax form!"
IRSAOUS #2: "You must give us all your money!"
IRSAOUS #3: "Or we will take you house, wife, and firstborn child!"
The hideous agents advanced on Jarod, who tried to back away only to be surrounded.
Jarod: "Miss Parker, help me!"
Miss Parker: "Why should I?"
Jarod: "Because if they get me, you're next!"
Miss Parker: "Hold that thought, I'll be right back." She disapeared into the forest, returning with a man in tow. "Alright, you
little scum-sucking twerps! Here is my secret weapon, my Tax Lawyer!! He'll find deductions you've never heard of! Now,
The little IRSAOUS's backed away from the Tax Lawyer with a hideous wail, merged into one pile, and disapeared with a
squeal of pain and a puff of smoke.
Miss Parker: "Well, that settles that. Now come on, let's get out of here."
Jarod: (still trying to calm his heart) "I'm for that! Lead on, MacDuff."
Our heroes come to the end of the Fire Swamp, into a beautiful enchanted forest. Jarod looks at Miss Parker fondly.
Jarod: "We made it!" He leaned down for a kiss, but Miss Parker held him off.
Miss Parker: "Don't you EVEN try. Wait, what's that?"
Jarod: "The sound of my heart beating in it's love of you."
Miss Parker: "Shut up. Listen!"
They hear horses, and Jarod draws his gun as Prince Lyle and Count Raines ride up.
Jarod: "You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, accept."
Lyle: "I GIVE YOU FULL MARKS FOR BRAVERY, DON'T MAKE YOURSELF A FOOL."
Jarod: "Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp and can live there quite happily for some
time, so whenever you feel like being audited, feel free to visit."
Lyle: "I TELL YOU ONCE AGAIN, SURRENDER!"
Jarod: "Will not happen."
Lyle: "FOR THE LAST TIME, SURRENDER!!!!"
Jarod: "Death FIRST!"
Miss Parker: "Shut up you two! Now listen here, Princy boy, will you promise not to hurt him?"
Lyle: WHAT WAS THAT?"
Jarod: "What was that?"
Miss Paker: "Yeah, yeah, I know, I don't like him at all, but just think of the pay raise if we finish this movie. So, if I come with
you will you promise not to hurt him?"
Lyle: "MAY I LIVE A THOUSAND YEARS..."
Miss Parker: (thinking) "I hope not!"
Lyle: "...AND NEVER HUNT AGAIN."
Miss Parker: "He is a Pretender on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship, so I never have to look at him
Lyle: "I SWEAR IT WILL BE DONE. (to Count Raines) when we're out of sight throw him in the Pit of Dispair."
Count Raines: (with an incredulous look at Lyle) "I didn't know you could whisper, sir. But I swear it will be done."
Miss Parker: (to Jarod) "I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could do the honors myself. Bye bye, been nice
knowing ya." The Prince came up beside her and picked her up, falling off his horse as she took the reins and rode off without
him. Their last look at Lyle was of him running after his horse, shouting, "I AM THE PRINCE! YOU WILL STOP, THIS
Jarod: "Hmmm, interesting prince you got there."
Count Raines: "Interesting lady you got there. Now come. We must return you to your ship."
Jarod: "We are men of action, lies do not become us."
Raines: "Well spoken, sir. What are you looking at?"
Jarod: "You're wearing a Dark Suit. Someone was looking for you." (thump!) Jarod raised his head from the ground and glared
at the director. "Must we continue with the head thumps? I'm getting a headache!!"
Director: (shrugs) "It's in the script, my hands are tied."
Jarod: "Whatever." He laid his head back down on the ground and passed out.
Eveything is black for our Hero, Jarod. An omminous creaking of a door wakes him from a really cool dream about Miss
Parker, but it's his dream and I can't tell you about it (hehehehe! - AnonyMouse)
A white haired sweeper trots down the creaky stairs, a bowl of water and a rag on a tray. He goes to Jarod and starts cleaning
his wounds, taking special care not to muss Jarod's perfectly moussed hair. Jarod opens his eyes and looks around.
Jarod: "Where am I?"
Gar the White Haired Sweeper (or the Albino *g*): (in a horribly creaky voice) "The Pits of Dispair!! Don't even.... HACK
COUGH CHOKE GASP!!! (clears throat, speaks normally) The Pits of Dispair. Don't even think about trying to escape. The
chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued, either. The only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count, and I
know the way in and out."
Jarod: "Hey, wait a minute! Isn't that the original scipt, word for word? Whatever happened to improvising! To improving on a
theme! To originality!!?"
Gar: (shrugs) "I calls em like I reads em. That crazy Web Mistress told me to say it like that, I say it like that. I don't feel like
going around with no head, you know. She's very catty about things like that."
Jarod: "Yeah, so I've heard. Alright, get on with it. (big sigh) Then why bother curing me?"
Gar: "The Prince and the Count always insist on their victims being healthy before they're broken."
Jarod: "So it's to be torture." (Gar nodds happily) "I can cope with torture." (Gar shakes his head sadly) "What, you don't
Gar: "Well, you survived the IRSAOUS's, so you must be very brave, but nobody withstands the Machine."
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.